I am Nothing and nothing is all I shall ever be. I will never change the world. I will never reach out to someone else and alter their life in any way shape or form.. The people I meet will not remember me. And I will never be in love.
My name is Adara, or so they tell me. I am fifteen and not particularly memorable. But I was told once that my eyes shone brighter than the moon, and things like that then to stick to you. I don't think my heart has even beaten so fast.
There is a place for people like me, the lost, hopeless, soulless creatures that stalk the night. The children that paint their eyes black and their lips blood-red. Somewhere in this Godforsaken world there is a place for us. And I will find it. I will find them. And I will be home.
"Hey, Adara, you got a match?"
The voice pulls me from my self-induced haze. Well, maybe not entirely self induced. But mostly. I look up through the veil I've created with my long black hair. It's not natural, of course, but then again what really is? These days it seems like you can change almost anything you want on the drop of a hat. New name, new hair color, practically new face. You can create yourself into anything you want.
I pull a packet from my pocket, tossing across the room. The speaker in question catches it. It's his room we're in now, because he's rich and his parents don't give a damn what he does. The blonde looks up at me and smiles. His eyes are so bright, so innocent.
He's not, of course. None of us are.
"Thanks," Laine replies, striking one to light his cigarette. On the bed beside him, his girlfriend is sitting, looking around in boredom. Or, at least, she thinks she is his girlfriend. I question just how into her Laine really is. Julie, her name is.
My own amber gaze drops back to the carpeted floor. I don't want to be here. Not really. I don't fit in with these kids, these posers. They are so quick to accept their fate, so resigned to sit here and wallow in their pity. And all I can think about is getting out, getting out and nevernevernever coming back.
"Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Fucking teacher gave me detention…"
I twist my body around towards the source of the voice. It's coming from the doorway, and I know it well. After all, it belongs to my best friend. And every time hear it, it damn near breaks my heart. Shattered. Everything about him is so fragmented. Like me. And together in our brokenness, we complete each other.
Nothing comes into the room, trying to look confident and failing miserably. Not that it matters. None of the kids here are paying attention to him, except for Laine. And me, but that's a given.
Laine stands up and approaches him, leaving his so-called girlfriend behind. We all know he's into guys. Most of us are bi, and those who aren't pretend or get so high they cant tell the difference anyway.
I bring myself to my feet as well, reaching Nothing before Laine. His smile is golden, and so I offer up a little smile of my own. Nothing knows it's forced.
"Adara," he says, his way of greeting me. My name falls from his lips like honey. But before he can say whatever it is he wanted to, Laine is up beside us. He's a year younger, not that we pay much attention to age. But his eyes stare up at Nothing and I can see it there- raw adoration and a deep longing for something more. He wants him in every way possibly.
Nothing, of course, is oblivious. "Hey, Laine," he acknowledges in a lazy tone. "What's up?"
Laine shrugs a little. "Dunno. I'm so goddamn bored. I'm so sick of this scene."
Nothing looks away for the briefest of moments. Although he says not a word, I know by the spark in his eyes that he's been thinking the exact same thing. We all think it. But Nothing is fearless. He's the kind of guy that would actually have the spine to get out before they get a hold of him.
"Yeah," he murmurs at last. "This place is a joke."
We go on in this meaningless exchange for a few moments, and then Laine leaves us and returns to Julie. I glance over my shoulder as they fall back into the bed, rolling around and sort of half-kissing. However one manages that.
I turn back to Nothing, jumping a little. His eyes, the most precise mixture of green and blue and grey, are fixated on me in a stare that chills me to the core. To that empty place where I know my soul should be.
"He's ridiculous," Nothing stated softly, only for me to hear.
"He's definitely something," I reply. I'm looking at the wall beyond his head because I think if I meet his gaze again it just might kill me. Laine's got this huge poster of Robert Smith that makes me want to shoot myself.
Nothing smiles a little. "We need to hang soon," he tells me. "I feel like I never see you anymore."
"You don't," I reply, hating how harsh the words come out. It's like I'm incapable of dropping my guard, never mind that I trust Nothing with my life. That's sort of, like, part of the best friend package deal. Trust.
Nothing goes silent again. I know him well enough to know what he's doing: he's coping. He's shutting himself off, falling away from the world, into a better place. He's making himself into nothing. I don't know where he goes or what he does there, but when he does go, I can see on his face that it's a hell of a lot better than here.
Eventually the crowds start to break up. Kids start to leave for home, or wherever they go after the party ends. I watch without really seeing from where I'm sitting alone on the floor. My knees are pulled to my chest, my chin resting upon them. I've wrapped my arms around my body in a pathetic attempt to hold myself together.
Julie gets up from Laine's bed, her teased-up red hair all tangled around her face. She walks over to Nothing, pulling something from her bag and handing it to him. I frown slightly as I watch the one-sided trade. Then Julie's leaving out the door, and I realize that there are only three of us left.
Rising to my feet, I look over to Nothing and Laine. Nothing is doing his own personal version of a smile, which looks much too painful to be a happy notion. Laine looks sort of irritated. I know he wants me to leave so that ha can have some alone time with Nothing.
Forcing my own chapped lips to curl up, I lift my hand in a feeble wave. "I'll see you guys later, I guess," I mumble. Neither of them call me back. But I can feel that heavy stare upon my back as I retreat. Watching me. Waiting, maybe, though I cant imagine what for.
Nothing. I am nothing. And he is nothing. And two nothings don't amount to much of anything.