Gohan: Eternal Fashion Victim
Notes: This is a nice short silly fic, written in the style of an Eva Save- a-lot commercial – well sort of. That was the inspiration anyway. Hope you don't hate it. Feedback is always welcome, especially constructive.
Continuity: post Buu – have only seen cartoon network DBZ though so forgive any inadvertent discrepancies.
Gohan stretched, yawned, and shifted his massive calculus textbook. The softly lit library study room was piled with papers and texts. Across the table barely visible behind a skinnier calculus text, a very frustrated looking Videl was chewing an eraser in half. "I hate this. I'm never getting into college," Videl said. She slammed her text and crossed her arms defensively. "You might as well stop wasting your time."
Gohan smiled and shook his head. "Don't get upset. It isn't that hard. You're just over-thinking."
"Over-thinking is not the problem," Videl snapped. The little cell phone in Videl's pocket rang and she pulled it out quickly, anything to escape exam cramming. "Hey, Videl here."
Gohan perked up and watched Videl nod and grunt at her phone. Those calls were almost always the Satan City Police squad. She smiled and stashed her phone. "Want to help alleviate a hostage situation over at city hall?" Videl asked.
"I'm not the one who needs the cramming session," Gohan said. He smiled at the glare that statement earned him. "I'd love to help."
Videl nodded sharply. "Let's go then."
"Wait, let me just..." Gohan flipped the knob on his watch and a blue glow suffused the room for a moment.
Videl cringed. "Not Saiyaman," she whispered. She might have laughed at the power-ranger-esque monstrosity in red and green, but it was just too hideous. Super-brains, super-strength, and the soul of an angel, but no one could be perfect, and Gohan was born without any fashion sense to speak of. "You know there really isn't any reason to keep up the whole Saiyaman façade. Everybody at school knows about your secret identity after the World Martial Arts Tournament. What's the point really?"
Gohan grinned. "I like the Saiyaman thing. Everybody knows Saiyaman. Did you see the Saiyaman movie? Besides, the outfit is so cool."
You look like a complete dork, probably wasn't the best approach to address the problem, but Gohan was notoriously dense to subtle and not so subtle hints about his clothes. Did it really matter what he looked like though? They were off to fight crime, not to a fashion show. "Fine, you play Saiyaman. Let's just get moving."
The moment the duo poked their heads out of the library, a brilliant flash of white light momentarily blinded them.
"What the heck?" Videl gasped and covered her face.
"Stop in the name of all that's holy!" a squeaky voice announced.
Gohan frowned and stared at the being floating a few feet off the ground. Perky, blond, and clad in a Barbie-pink leather pantsuit, she was pursing glossy lips and staring down her nose at Gohan. A little white dog yipped from the crook of her arm and she nuzzled it. "Don't worry baby. Mommy is going to make it better."
"Who the heck are you?" Gohan said, forgetting to use his fake Saiyaman voice.
The new arrival snapped her fingers and smirked. "I am Jasmine, First Enforcement Officer of the Intergalactic Fashion Police Force. You mister, are cruising for a major citation."
Gohan laughed. "You're kidding right?"
"I never kid about crimes of fashion." Jasmine landed directly in front of Gohan and brandished a white leather-bound book. "Let's see, repeated juvenile offender. What were you thinking, those shoulder-pads, that armor? Look at yourself right now. Someone has to have told you that you look like a big dork." She turned and glared at Videl. "Are you his friend?"
"Yes?" Videl said. Until that point she'd been too shocked to shut her mouth long enough to form words.
"You're not much of one if you let him go out in public like that," Jasmine said. "Well to make this short, you, Mr. Gohan, have two choices. I could haul you in. You are a repeat offender. Or you can just agree to go through some fashion consulting and therapy."
Gohan turned to Videl. "This isn't real. There's no such police force. Besides, I look good."
Videl winced. It was almost a true statement. Well, Gohan was fashion impaired, but they had places to be and criminals to pound. "Look lady I don't know who you think you are, but you obviously don't have a clue who you're dealing with."
Jasmine's gaze turned decidedly chilly. "Are you disrespecting me and my position of authority?" She turned to her little dog. "They're disrespecting mommy. That was a mistake, wasn't it? We'll just let them feed their sob story to the judge, won't we?" Jasmine waved her free arm and all three of them vanished in a flash of light.
They reappeared in front of a massive pedestal, atop which perched an older woman in soft green judge's robes tastefully accessorized with silver jewelry. "First enforcement officer, Jasmine. Read the charges." The judge scanned Gohan slowly. "Good lord."
"Gohan, I think maybe this is, I don't know, REAL," Videl said.
Gohan shook his head. "No way."
"Turn off the Saiyaman getup, okay. Don't argue," Videl said.
Jasmine pulled out the leather bound book again and cleared her throat. "Quiet in the courtroom." There was a pale flash, and Gohan was left in his regular school clothes. Jasmine smiled. "Good for you, now that's a whole lot better, not perfect, but if you worked at it that look has real potential."
"Enforcement Officer, the charges, please," the judge snapped.
"Sorry, your honor. I'm also the caseworker on this one, and he is so cute. It is a crying shame the getups he puts himself in, or just lets himself be put in. Anyway." Jasmine threw up her hands as if in surrender and flipped through her book. "I have one hundred thirty documented class 4 infractions." A slide show of Gohan at various ages in different outrageous outfits flipped rapidly over a sidewall. "And repeated donning of the class 9 infraction, I like to call the Saija-dork." Jasmine pointed to the last frame on the screen. "Painful isn't it your honor. There are multiple minor violations that don't bear mentioning. I think this case makes itself."
Gohan frowned and his shoulders slumped. "I thought I looked cute as a kid with the little dragonball hat, and what was wrong with that armor?"
Videl patted Gohan on the back. It couldn't be pleasant, having your life in fashion dissected and dissed. Besides, who knew what these people thought valid punishment for being criminally unfashionable was. "Hey Gohan, you're a great guy and generally you look nice, really. There's more to life than looking perfect."
"You're right young lady," the judge said. "My records show, you've lived an otherwise exemplary life, Gohan. We're not going to punish you, but we are going to get you some help, while you're still a juvenile. Jasmine, you're the caseworker, right? Counseling, consultation, and follow-up in six months."
"I'm on it your honor. Follow me, you two. This should be relatively quick and painless," Jasmine said. She flounced along and out of the courtroom.
A very droopy Gohan and flabbergasted Videl followed the retreating pink figure. "I really look like a dork all the time?"
Videl smiled. "Not all the time, really."
Jasmine herded the two of them into a smallish but empty... well... department store. "Okay first, this is a gift from me." She handed Gohan a gold certificate. "A lifetime subscription to Vogue and GQ. Read one occasionally." Jasmine went over behind a counter and pulled out a color chart. "Now this important, so pay attention. You are an autumn. Your coloring, your hair, will be well complemented by warm tones, like oranges, and browns and golds, maybe a deep dark blue occasionally. Black and white are your neutral colors. They go with everything. Don't get carried away with the black though. You've never strayed down the goth-path before so don't start. Finally, don't mix primaries." She indicated the primary swatches with a perfectly manicured fingernail. "Even people with wonderful fashion sense can make errors mixing primaries."
Jasmine sighed and stowed the color chart and pulled out a chart with different patterns on it. "Patterns: stripes and plaids should never be mixed. Polka dots should only be used with extreme caution. Finally, I've noticed that your worst fashion mistakes often come in battle, so I'd like to put together an outfit that you and the people who have to look at you can be comfortable with."
Gohan nodded slowly. "Yes officer."
Videl leveled a glare at their fashion instructor. "You don't have to be so mean about it all. Gohan doesn't deserve your condescension."
Jasmine clicked her tongue and fluttered her eyes. "No? Well why don't you zip it, listen, and learn. You aren't exactly a fashion plate yourself. A form-fitting top, never hurt a girl with a decent figure, and what do you call those shoes? They're a little butch."
Videl pulled out her shirt and looked at her shoes. "Hey..."
"Shush!" Jasmine flounced over to a rack of pants and started rummaging around. "What do you need in battle attire?"
Gohan shrugged. "Freedom of movement? I train in weighted clothing."
Jasmine nodded. "Good enough. I've seen what you train in, and it isn't that bad. Mainly, I want to see Saiya-dork gone."
Videl looked like she was about to launch herself at the perky little harpy but Gohan restrained her. "Be calm."
"I found it!" Jasmine didn't brandish any clothes, instead she waved an arm and Gohan's clothes changed. "What do you think? The body suit is a polyester blend, practically indestructible, black to prevent staining, and very flattering to your build. The top is a dark blue with a symbol for your dad and your original trainer, Piccolo. I stuck with that same wrap- around top you fighters all seem to favor." She was practically bubbling over with enthusiasm. "The boots are arguably the crowning achievement, soft leather, dyed blue to complement your gi. The entire outfit has a protection spell. It will repair itself if you give it time." Jasmine paused to take a breath.
Gohan turned to Videl. "I look okay?"
Videl nodded. He looked really good, heroic. "You look really nice." She turned an angry glare on Jasmine. "Well lady, happy? Can we go now? The world doesn't revolve around..."
Jasmine waved her arm and Gohan and Videl reappeared outside the library. A long awkward silence spread out between them. "That was weird," Gohan said.
Videl nodded slowly. "Very."
"I guess we should go take care of the hostage crisis?" Gohan said. He tugged at the sleeve of his new outfit.
"Excellent plan, assuming the crisis is still going on."