title mating calls
pairing: SasuSaku
summary: CRACK. SasuSaku. Sasuke and Naruto both learn very quickly that Sakura ain't no holla back girl.
prompt: "...damn, you're a sexy bitch."

warning: profanity abound! :D And yes, I totally went there. And oh so OOC.

disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine.

"But, Sasuke," Naruto said, making sure to draw out the last syllable in his best friend's name so that it lasted for three beats instead of just one. "You never do anything I wanna do. It's all about what Sasuke wants—Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, it's all about you." He topped off this supreme proclamation with a measured pout—one that was all but guaranteed to irritate the hell out of Sasuke until Naruto got his way.

Sasuke sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation.

"That's because everything you want to do is moronic—hence your assignation in the category: moron."

Naruto (manfully) ignored Sasuke's insult, and continued to pout as they continued their stroll through Konoha.

"Come on, just once! Shikamaru and Kiba did it—even that prissy Neji did! You're the only one that hasn't," Naruto finished, sing-songing the last bit so that it emphasized Sasuke's place in the LOL ("Land of Losers!") all by his lonesome.

Sasuke only barely suppressed the snort at that line of reasoning.

"Is that supposed to convince me, dead last? Try again."

"Ha," Naruto crowed triumphantly. "So you admit it—you want to do it, you're just too chicken-shit to! That stick up your ass hasn't budged an inch since we got you back, has it?"

Now, Sasuke was getting irritated. They'd been perfectly civil—or well, as civil as he and Naruto ever were, anyway—for the first twenty minutes they'd spent leisurely walking to the training grounds, until Naruto had gone and gotten distracted by some kunoichi or other walking around in too much netting, and not enough fabric. This unfortunate encounter had set off a train of events that led to where they stood now: Sasuke listening to Naruto whine on about how Sasuke "never wanted to bond anymore," and didn't it mean anything at all that Naruto had "rescued him from the bad place, "and all he wanted was just one afternoon where the two of them could maybe "grab some ramen, shoot the breeze," and comment on the "fine, fine asses" that—in Sasuke's not-so-humble opinion—insisted on parading through the village in too-high boots, and too-short skirts.

Sasuke shook his head, and came back to himself just in time to hear the tale-end of Naruto's request.

"…Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes," he replied easily, still half-answering his own train of thought.

To his horror, Naruto grinned. Sasuke wondered what hell he'd condemned himself to when he agreed.

"Great! Just one girl, and I'll leave you alone forever! I already saw one while you were off in Wonderland, or whatever, so let's go before she leaves!"

For a few moments, Sasuke tried—in vain—to extract his arm from Naruto's damnably tight grasp, and resigned himself to the humiliation to come.


They stopped in front of a teashop that he recognized vaguely. It occurred to him them that it was one Sakura liked to frequent on her rare days off. Unbidden, Sasuke wondered whether she knew about Naruto's nasty little side-habits, and almost as instantly, brushed her out of his mind. What the hell did she have to do with anything?

Beside him, Naruto was grinning widely.

"See, bastard? That's her." He followed Naruto's finger—his lips curling into a sneer at his friend's crassness—and turned to see—

"Even you wouldn't say no to that."

And indeed, Sasuke found himself unable to say anything at all.

Sitting one table away from them was a woman with no apparent physical flaws. She'd been the sole occupant of the teashop until he and Naruto had walked into the store. Her pale skin, and petite figure were complemented by the short forest-green summer dress she was wearing—a dress, Sasuke could not help but notice, which had thin straps, a gently tapered waist and a low back. Her long legs were toned, her feet encased in practical white flats. She had her back to them, and her hair, he noticed was encased in a small yellow beret. Her hair was all but hidden from their view.

"So," came Naruto's voice, interrupting his reverie. "What do you think? Huh? Huh?"

Sasuke grunted. Like hell would he give Naruto the satisfaction of being right.

"She's wearing an ugly hat," he said simply.

It was rather worth the small lie to see Naruto's face fall the way it did.

"What? No. No—I refuse to believe that with all that woman's gifts, you were looking at her hat."

"Believe it," Sasuke said, smirking. "What did you expect me to do?"

"What the hell," Naruto yelled. Sasuke noted, all amusement gone, that anyone who heard the outburst had turned to identify its source. "At least admit she's nice to look at!"

"I find her hat too offensive to consider the possibility."

Naruto shook his head rapidly.

"All right fine, let's say I agree—which I don't! You're missing the big picture, bastard."

"Am I," Sasuke asked wryly. "Enlighten me so that we can get out of here and get to the training grounds."

Naruto ignored the allusion to outside responsibility. "Well, the hat, it's—I don't know! It's like Kakashi-sensei says! You have to think about what's underneath the underneath! She's probably got this ridiculous soft hair underneath that hat. Blonde, maybe brunette—who knows! That's part of the fun of it—you don't, until you…you know."

"You're disgusting," Sasuke said lowly, sneering. "You might as well buy a leash and join Akamaru during mating season."

Naruto waved the insult away with little concern.

"It isn't my fault that even Akamaru's hit puberty and left you behind, bastard. And that's not really why we're here. I just want you to admit that the girl in front of us is twenty different kinds of hot. Hell, she could give Sakura-chan a run for her money, especially since she isn't so scary." He leaned back in his chair, and after shuddering momentarily, appeared satisfied with his spiel.

Privately, Sasuke didn't find Sakura nearly half as fearsome as Naruto did—but perhaps that was because he didn't make it a routine to peep into her bathroom window every time she took a shower the way some other people seemed to. In any case, Sakura was neither here nor there. What the hell was she doing on his mind again? He shook his head to clear it, and responded.

"Or, translated into your terms—'hey, would you like to come to the party in my pants'? Should I tell this girl, 'damn, you're a sexy bitch'—"


At the sound of that familiar voice, both Naruto and Sasuke stiffened in their seats.

"Either I'm hallucinating," Naruto began in a fearful whisper, "or I just heard Sakura-chan just now."

"You're not," came a sickeningly sweet voice from above. Sasuke stayed completely silent as Sakura's chin came down to rest just above his head.

"What were you saying about Sakura-chan, Naruto?" Sakura, Sasuke realized, could smile eerily like Death when she wanted to—even if she did look like some sort of flower-child in the green dress/white flats combination she had on at the moment.

"I'm going now," Naruto said, in lieu of answer. He shot Sasuke a look of sympathy, and sped off, ignoring Sasuke's warning growls.

He was distracted from his thoughts by the feel of her hand, digging into the blue fabric of his training shirt. He stifled a groan when her lips came to his ear, so close that they were almost touching.

"Now that's taken care of," she said, carefully noting the way he barely managed to hold back a shudder when her breath hit his lobes. "Would you like to repeat what you said, Sasuke-kun?"

FAIL. I fail. I know. I know.