Author's note: Crackfic three-shot upon request of Untraceable. I can't quite believe the absolute fuckery I invent sometimes. I own nothing but the drunk pig. No copyright infringement is intended and no pigs are harmed in the writing of this stupidity.
Apparently, you can't buy a pig in Port Angeles. Weird, no? I had to go all the way to Seattle to find the little pot bellied darling. There's no way I was subjecting a puppy or kitty to my horrible plan. Seattle was also a good place to buy whiskey because no one knew I was only eighteen.
The whiskey is named Bean and the pig I've called Wilbur. I shouldn't have named either though. It's cruel to form an emotional attachment to food.
So, yeah, I have a plan involving a pig, a bottle of Jim Beam and vampire sex advice from Emmett. Honestly, it has to be Emmett because I couldn't fathom this conversation with Jasper or Carlisle and there is no way in Hell I would let Edward know that I'm terrified.
I had to know what to expect and after refrigerating my dildo for cold vampire penis practise, I realized I was kind of out of options. I needed advice from an owner of said penis. I had to have my questions answered by someone who wouldn't beat around the proverbial bush. Ahem.
...But to do that I had to get drunk.
...Also, I think Emmett should be drunk too.
Oh, and I don't drink and drive, which is why I'm currently sitting in the Cullen driveway with aforementioned bottle of Beam (Bean) and pig. About five shots in, I remember that I don't drink. It's Wilbur's turn.
"Drink it," I order the pig and he snorts, not impressed. I mix it with water and bread and say, "Eat it."
Wilbur is decidedly incredulous.
"Suey!" I snap.
Wilbur takes a tentative bite of my bread 'n Bean concoction. He decides it's passable and makes a pig of himself. This isn't a stretch.
It's as funny as fuck, though! Oh, neat. I swear when I'm drunk.
"Bella?" Emmett opens the front door.
"Fuck," I greet him.
"Are you drunk, Little Sis?" He is surprised.
"You know what? I think that I am!"
Emmett sniffs the air with a sour expression on his face. "Do you and this pig have anything to do with the reason Alice convinced everyone to get out of the house this evening?"
I giggle and sway. "Yeah, I'm thinking threesome. But if it's too weird, I can give you and Wilbur some privacy."
Emmett is speechless. Neat.
Wilbur burps and falls over. I think it's pretty funny so I burp and laugh.
Emmett lifts me off the ground. "Let's do this!" he agrees.
He throws me over his shoulder and takes the stairs at vampire speed, maybe six at a time.
"Wilbur," I manage breathlessly.
Wilbur is tucked under his arm like a football. A pig skin.
"I'm not having sex with a pig," I explain earnestly. "And certainly not with Wilbur, either."
"Ah, man." Emmett sets me down on Edward's leather sofa and smiles a shit-eating grin. "Dude, your expression is priceless!"
My face is flushed and I'm sweating profusely. "Do you know why I'm here?"
"Ah-huh, Alice told me to expect you...although you're going to have to explain the pig 'cause I got no fucking clue."
"We have to get drunk first. I can't have this conversation sober." Already, I'm mortified.
"Ok. So you're obviously drunk but it still doesn't explain the drunken pig. Is it a prop? Because I'm not fucking the pig either."
"Um, no. I want you to be drunk too. I figured, if the pig had alcohol in his bloodstream than maybe you'd get drunk."
"Ah shit, Bell. You're a fucking mad-genius. There's no way this is going to work but just the idea that you got a pig drunk for me is the sickest fucking gesture." I scowl at his response and prepare to storm out of the room however I trip over Wilbur.
Emmett catches me and slaps my behind. "Where ya going, perky tits? Teacher says that class is now in session so sit your sweet ass down and take notes."
"I'm not drunk enough for this." I take a swig out of Bean and look sorrowfully at Wilbur. "Don't kill my pig. I think I love him."
"Sure thing. Now let's get down to brass tacks. What do you want to know?"
"Everything. I have no clue what I'm doing and don't want to make any mistakes. I also have no idea what to expect and Edward will put a stop to it if he thinks I'm uncomfortable."
"So, you want to avoid surprises?"
"Knowledge is power." I explain and take another swig. Actually, I can't even taste the whiskey anymore.
"How you doing over there, Little Sis." Emmett is amused.
"Bloody fantastic, Big Bro."
"All of this trouble that you're going through for Edward. Why not just wait until he changes you? It'll probably be much better as a vampire anyway."
"Yeah, well I have no basis for comparison but this human needs it bad."
Emmett nearly chokes on his own tongue as he laughs. "What do you need, baby?"
"Edward's cock." I tell him my shameful secret and enjoy the bewildered expression on his face. "I'm gagging for it."
Author's Note: This is kind of a companion crack piece to The 100 Year-Old Virgin. Reviews are my brand of drunken pig.