Title: Desiderium
Rating: R
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it.
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it. Poor Ken... I just killed him in this chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters. And the poem in this fic is untitled by an anonymous someone. I don't own it.

Chapter 8

A months time had past. The days were getting shorter and the nights were getting colder. Autumn is my favorite time of the year. The weather's just perfect, not too hot nor too cold. The color shift was wonderful, the leafy greens mixed in with the brilliant golden colors. And everything seemed to settle down for the upcoming winter. I've always loved that.

This years autumn seemed to be the only thing holding me together. I don't know why, I've spent a lot of time sitting outside, just staring at it, trying to see it change. It helps take my mind off of...

And I hadn't spoken to Daisuke in all this time. Not since that last call.

I sighed and banged the phone lightly on my forehead. I want to call him, but I -can't-. It's... I don't know what it is. Pride would be the closest guess.

I usually took doubles at work just to keep my mind off of him, but not today. The theater doesn't like a part-time employee to work more time then it's full-time people. I had to take this day, and a few after this, off. They say they're going to cut my schedule down.

It's time to get a second job. The need to see Daisuke was over-whelming me.

A part of me tried to make me swallow my pride. It told me that I was being a bastard, ignorant, and stupid. It said I'd lose him and then he'd never want to see me again. It said so much that I even wondered if it where the truth.

I was romantizing the situation a little bit. I guess I've seen so many soup operas, but I kinda wished that Daisuke would come charging in, and then we'd hug and have the most wonderful kiss and promise never to fight again. I could see it all in my minds eye; it would be all misty and everything would be in slow-mo.

What a ridiculous thought, huh? Am I the only one who has these types of bizarre daydreams? And, still, I waited for Daisuke to deliver on my fantasy. But he hasn't shown up yet and I haven't heard from him.

The thought of myself caving in terrified me. I tried to push it away as far as it would go.

In the end, here I was, sitting on my blue couch with my legs dangling off the side (something that my father hates). The phone was resting in the pit of my belly and my head hung back. I kicked my feet up, one after the other, bored.

The curtains were drawn back, letting the warm light of the sun bath me. *I should call him...*

This was a familiar pose and pondering for me. After work, I usually can and sat here for an hour by the phone, completely depressed besides the warm feeling of the sun or star light as it hit me. I didn't even have the time to talk with my friends; nor did they come to see me -- I guess they got the point.

How pathetic am I? I think I could count the ways.

But today just felt different. I felt charged. It was a Saturday, around mid-day, and maybe my boredom and my eternal need for Daisuke was taking over me. *I should just swallow my pride and call him.* My lips twitched in disgust. That seemed so impersonal. How could something so... thoughtless fix the relationship?

I pondered on the question a few minutes, my head bobbing up in down in time with my legs. *Then I'll just have to see him. I'm the elder, I know better.*

I swung my legs over the side and reached to set the phone back in it's holder. I stood and walked to the door. My father wasn't home at the time, of which spared me all the "fathery" chats about being a man and getting things settled.

I slide my shoes on and tapped the toe lightly of each to fit them on correctly. The sun burned brightly, warming me (but not to the extreme of the summer sun), and the air smelled of the upcoming snow.

Daisuke's apartment building was only a couple blocks away from my and I walked there almost automatically. It took me ten minutes and the idea of seeing him again put an extra jump in my step. I even started to hum. The anticipation burned lowly in the pit of my belly, but it was out shined by my loneliness and love and desire to see him. I couldn't wait.

A smile hit my face as the realization sent shock waves through me. After a month I was going to see him again.

I know now that I shouldn't've broken up with him in the first place. I know how the young red-head works; it isn't a mystery. He's much to romantic and he tends to block out the whole work when he gets on a kick. He just though that he'd help the (then) Kaiser and he blocked out all of us in the process. That was normal Dai-chan.

I love him for being like that. It's so cute.

I walked along side the red bricked building, running my fingers over it's course surface, until I got to the entrance. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. *You can do this! You can do this!* I pushed the door open and headed for the elevator. A few seconds later, I was in front of his door.

I stilled my hand mid-air at the door knob. I had broken up with him, it couldn't be quite... decent of me to just walk in, would it?

I hand moved to the right and pressed the doorbell. A melody of dings could be heard from my side of the door. I waited.

After a couple minutes and no answer, I rang again and waited again. A feeling of stupidity worked it's way over me. Of all the times to get my gusto up...

And still nothing. I couldn't hear any type of rustling through the doorway. I look around the deserted hallway and pressed my back against the Motomiya's door. *What should I do now?*

I walked out of his building a bit muddled and unsure what to do now. They were probably doing family stuff. I decided to try back later. And there seemed no point to going back home and being depressed, and I was sure my band wouldn't enjoy a surprise visit from me after a month.

A walk seemed to be the most "logical" thing to do in this type of situation.

I wasn't sure where I was going. I let the wind choose my direction and I followed faithfully. About ten minutes into the walk, I came across the neighborhood park. It seemed like a nice change from the asphalt and honking cars.

The park was beautiful. Everything was a pleasant mix of green and gold, as the trees readied themselves for winter, and flock of birds chirped over head as they flew in 'V' shaped formations. It wasn't overly crowed, only a few people passed him, and the distance from the "normal" world did my mind good.

I wouldn't be enough that I ask for his forgiveness. I think something special would be in order. But what? Maybe a song? He'd love that. He loves my song 'Simple', surely he'd love a new one.

I walked-slide down one of the hills and started along side the ponds edge. I had no idea what to write about. A simple song of love or a song of forgiveness? Ducks were quacking at each other and to the front of me, a little girl decided it would be cool to jump into the pond (much to the dismay of her father.)

I hadn't been to this park very often. I made a mental note to bring Daisuke here. It seemed like the right kind of place to apologize.

I bent over to pick up a fallen twig and straighten to see my brother, Takeru, walking towards me. He didn't seem to notice me; his head was turned towards the ground, as was his eyes, and he seemed to be deep in thought over something (in sort: he was in his own world.)

"Hey, Takeru-chan," I said with a smile and raised hand.

He stilled immediately and his head snapped up. I could feel the ice cold fury written in those baby blue eyes. With a snarl, he whirled around and stalked away.

I watched him go, my mouth opened a little in shock. It didn't take a blind man to see he was upset over something.

The urge to find out what happened and why he seemed angry at me made me turn for my Mother's apartment. She'd know what was wrong with him.

Twenty minutes later, I entered my small second home and slide off my shoes. I knocked a couple of times at the door to let her know I was entering. "Mom?" I called into the apartment. Even if she wasn't home, I could always wait for Takeru to come home.

"Y'huh, honey?" my Mother's distinctive voice called back.

I slipped into the living room and pecked my Mother on the cheek. She was busy typing up something (probably an article) and didn't spare me a glace.

"Is there something wrong with Takeru?" I said finally. "He seems... angry with me."

My Mother's hands stilled and looked at me, blinking a couple times. She cocked her head to the side slightly in thought before saying, "I think he's still upset over that friend of his dying."

I nodded and grabbed a chair. Why would he be mad at me for a friend of his dying? "Who died?"

My Mother shook her head and turned back to the computer screen. "One of his friend... hm..." She bit her lip and tipped her head to the other side (a strange habit she has when she thinks.) "I think his name was Daisuke something."

No. I didn't just hear that. My fingers dung into the chair and I fought the fear. In a reasonably stable voice, I asked, "W, Who?"

"Motomiya!" she said with a happy cry. "Daisuke Motomiya. I did an article on him. I guess he was going on the way to his friends apartment and wasn't looking where he was going. He was in a coma for a couple of weeks, slipping in and out, before he passed away." She paused. "That was about a week ago. I remember Takeru going to the funeral. Weren't you supposed to be there?"

No, no, no. It was some stupid joke. I jumped up and ran from the apartment, ignoring my Mother's cry of surprise. Daisuke couldn't be dead. I would've known! -Someone- would've told me by now! Someone would've...


I turned and darted for the park. Maybe he was still there. He'd know exactly what was going on; I stand for this sick joke. Takeru would tell me what ever the fuck was going on, or I'd beat it out of him.

I ran around the park a couple times and was about to give when I spotted my brother. He was laying under a tree, seemingly asleep.

*Perfect,* I thought with a ferial grin.

I walked up to him slowly, making sure he wouldn't hear me. I sat on his belly, while I gathered a wrist in each of my hands. He bucked and twisted and turned, but didn't succeed in throwing me off. I was stronger then he.

"Mom told me Daisuke died last week. Now, you wouldn't know anything about this sick joke, would you?" I asked. My voice was low and calm.

He shuddered. "What... do you mean?" he ground out, managing to free a hand. He pressed it against my head, still trying to push me off.

"Daisuke!" My breath was starting to come shorter, more harsher. "I don't think it's funny that there's a rumor about his death, do you? I would have heard about it if he had died, and since I didn't, he can't be dead, right?" When he didn't answer, I pushed against him. "Right?"

He ceased his struggled and his bright blue eyes grew wide with surprise. "I-- I thought you knew that Daisuke... that he died. Ken said he talked to you..." Takeru looked away for a few seconds. "He said you didn't want anything to do with Daisuke anymore. That you didn't want to come to the hospital or funeral. And when I tried to get a hold of you, you were always working."

I shook my head and sat back. "No..." My voice broke and I swallowed loudly. "I don't believe you. Daisuke's younger then -me-, how could he be... be..." I couldn't quite bring myself to saying that word.

Takeru opened and shut his mouth a couple times. "He was going to your place. I guess he was upset about something -- that's what Jun said -- and he wasn't looking where he was going when he crossed the street."

"We had a fight," I explained in a whisper. "We were going to separate for a bit to cool off." I rubbed my face to wipe the tears away (when did they start anyway?) But they wouldn't go away. "I thought... I thought he was just mad at me and that was why he hadn't come over."

I could feel my brother's angry stare. "He cried out for you. He told me he thought you hated him. And Ken was an angel; he sat by Daisuke's side as much as he could. He was there when Daisuke died."

I stood up. "Why didn't you tell me? Why the hell didn't I hear it from any of you? You're all supposed to be my 'best friends' and when my boy friend dies, I can't get any of you to call me?" I clenched my fist. "And don't give me that 'I couldn't get a hold of you' bullshit. You knew where I live. You could've asked Dad for my schedule!"

Takeru looked down, ashamed. "I thought you knew," he said weakly. "Ken said --"

"Fuck what Ken said," I screamed, turning back to him with the full of my fury. I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself down. "You should've know better."

He didn't answer, and I didn't want him too. I couldn't believe it. He couldn't be... dead. Just a month ago I held him. I just spoke to him... He was so young. Nothing out there would steal away something so beautiful from this world; it was too cruel. Where was this supposedly loving God? I felt sick.

"Do you... do you want to go to were he's buried?" Takeru said after a long while.

I stared down at him. Daisuke wasn't dead. It wasn't possible. I knew it and I didn't like this little game he was playing. If going to a cemetery was what it took to prove I'm right, I was all for it. "Let's go."

I let Takeru guide me to a bus. After twenty minutes of bus ride and silence, we got off for a transfer. Fifteen minutes went by before we got off and it took another five or ten by foot for us to reach the cemetery. It was peaceful, with a crisply cut green lawn and gray head stones going back as far as I could see.

My heart began to pound incredibly loudly in my chest as Takeru lead me down the rows of head stones.

*He isn't dead,* I thought, trying to steel myself. *So what if Takeru gets all worked up in his pranks. I don't need to feel so fucking scared.*

Takeru stopped and pointed to a gray head stone. You could see where the old lawn had been cut away for the burial and then the new discolored grass trying to cover the hole. I fell to my knees and let my fingers roam over it.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It read 'Daisuke Motomiya'. Tears sprang to my eyes. It wasn't possible. Takeru's little prank had gone a little too far this time. My fingers traced over the date of death: 'September 10, 1998' and when further down to a small poem. I read it to myself:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do no sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die."

That was so Daisuke. If nothing else, I knew Daisuke had to have written it. But... if he wrote it then... then... I hunched over and let out a loud animal-like wail and clenched the grass that bloomed over my beloved.

Takeru had moved and I could feel his strong arms trying to pry me away. I shook him off and grasped the head stone. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be true! He would never leave me! He... I loved him! He couldn't leave me alone!

"Yamato..." I heard Takeru's voice somewhere in the distance.

I don't remember what happened after that. I don't remember how I got home or what I did for the next couple of months. The only thing I am certain of that time is that I got fired.

I still haven't gotten over it. I know how melodramatic the whole thing seemed, but that's how it happened. After the third or fourth month, I guess I just woke up and began getting truly into my music. It seemed the only thing that calmed my heart and I've been with it ever since.

What about Ken? I don't know; I don't care what happened to him. No. Actually I do. I've wished more then once that he's had a terrible life and that he's died a terrible death. The world would be the better for it.

I really haven't talked with the others either, except my brother Takeru. If you can remember from the beginning, he's the bastard that got me to write this. He still talks to me (I'm his charity case, I guess.) I think the others don't believe me when I say I had no idea of Daisuke's death (back then.)

What now? Well, you, my dearest journal, have a date with the fire place. I'll be damned if any of this reaching past this room.

I have no more to write. It's been fun, journal dear. Goodbye.


*hides behind shield as people throw rotten tomatoes* Hey, I spelled it all out in the first chpt. What are you complaining about? Oh, and I've been thinking about writing a side story to go along with this one, told my Daisuke's POV (or Kens, not sure) to clear out the holes in this one (hey, Yama didn't know everything.) But that's still up in the air.