I cursed Emmett and his giant mouth. While he was at mine and Bella's house, he was talking about how he 'scored' with a hot blond and had bunch of hot and wild sex. I was just about to tell him that no one wants to know that, when Melissa, our eleven-year old daughter walked in.
Melissa stopped and looked at curiously before walking to the kitchen. I heard her open the refrigerator and I assumed that it was one of her fruit punches.
We all paused. I hoped that she didn't hear anything. Bella glared at Emmett when it was obvious that she did.
"Oops. Sorry guys," he said. "At least you'll get it over with sooner rather than later."
Bella and I sighed in sad acceptance. We were so not ready to have "the talk" with a eleven-year old. I had hoped that she wouldn't need the talk till she was at least thirty. What? I bet I'm not the only father who has thought of that. No father wants their little girl to know this stuff.
After two minutes, she came back in and sat on my lap. I hugged her to me and she turned around to look at me.
"Daddy, what was Uncle Emmett talking about?" she asked. I froze and stopped breathing. I heard Emmett snicker followed by a "Ouch! Bella what was that for?" I'm assuming that Bella smacked him on the back of his head like we all do when he is being stupid.
I looked over at Bella in hope that she would have the answer.
"Don't look at me, Daddy," she said while trying to hide a laugh that was threatening to escape. "She asked for you not for Mommy."
"Daddy? What is 'hot sex'?" She asked in her innocent voice. I looked at Emmett and gave him the darkest glare that I can achieve. He saw it and looked scared. Yeah he should be. Now because of him, I have to give my daughter the most awkward parent talk.
He coughed nervously and muttered that he has to be somewhere.
"Daddy? Aren't you going to answer my question?" She asked again. I looked towards Bella again and she gave me a reassuring smile and said that she was going to retrieve the medical book that I brought home from work to brush up on the human body.
I took a deep breath.
"Umm.. it's a game that only grown ups play. It's usually between a boy and a girl," I started. Okay this was going to be hard.
"Can I play too?"
"NO!" I yelled. She jumped in surprise of my voice. "Sorry, sweetie. No you can't play till you're married."
After I said that, I could imagine it that way and she wouldn't be interested in boys till after she graduated from college.
"Edward," my wife called out, "you know that you can't stop her when she is ready for that. We can only help her be prepared for that to happen. Just like our parents did with us."
Ah, yes I remember that conversation like it was yesterday.
Bella and I had been dating for about five months when we were caught by Charlie, Bella's father, making out on her couch. He yelled for us to sit at separate sides of the couch and to wait.
We heard him punch in some numbers and talk to someone on the phone. I turned to look at Bella and she had the came confused expression on my face. I was just about to ask her a question when Charlie came back.
"I just called your parents and Renee. It will seem that we need to have a talk with you teenagers. We know that you are going to be having," he cringed, "urges to do more than kissing. But we need to have a grown-up conversation about it. I'm guessing that you have an idea what I am talking about," he looked at us with humor with a hint on nervousness.
I have never seen Bella that bright red in the face. I reached over and grabbed her hand to soothe her nerves. She smiled at me gratefully and her skin slowly lost the red tint.
Five minutes later, my parents and Renee come through the door and began the horrifying event. They explained "The Birds and the Bees" story which was just plain awful and disturbing. Then we separated into boys and girls leaving me with the fathers. They gave me a more detailed explanation and said that if we ever get the urge to do that, to use protection because they were not ready to be grandparents.
Later Bella told me that they offered to take her to the clinic and be put on birth control.
"Yes, I remember honey and when she gets to the age we were we'll do the same. But for now, we'll give her the cliff notes version," I whispered in Bella's ear.
She nodded and sat down next to me.
"Mel, are you ready?" I asked her.
"Yes, daddy I am," she said as she looked up at me with her mother's eyes.
"Okay, you know where your pee comes out of?" I paused and looked at her. She nodded. "Well boys, they don't have one. Their's stick out of them an-"
"Then how do they put on pants on if it sticks out?" Melissa interrupted me.
I heard Bella choke and patted her back till it stopped.
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned how red she was becoming. She nodded.
"I just didn't expect her to say that," she whispered to me and motioned for me to continue with this dreadful conversation
"Um..usually the boys private parts are," I coughed to clear my throat, "Honey remember how your bendy pencil bends?" I asked her.
"Yeah, and it swings all over the place. Boy's private things do that?" She exclaimed and looked very appalled. "That is just so gross!"
I cheered mentally. Hopefully that will help her stay away from boys for a long time. I could only hope.
Bella knew what I was thinking and shook her head.
"Melissa, wait we're not done talking yet. The boys private parts don't 'swing all over the place' as you mentioned. It just sort... hangs," Bella said while motioning to her crotch a bit, "right there on them."
"Okay, but that is just so gross," Melissa retorted while scrunching her face. "Wait, what does it looks like?"
Dear God, if you can hear me, please take me out of this misery!
Bella laughed. "Well, daddy since you know this so much better than I do, how about you answer that question." I turned to glare at her which made her laugh harder.
Melissa looked at me to answer her.
"They sort of look like..um.. sausages," I started and then blurted the rest real fast, "but less firm. Or a banan-"
"Momma! I am not eating something that looks like a boy private part! Ugh I can't get that image out of my head," Melissa yelled at us while shaking her head furiously. "Please tell me this is the end?" She looked at us hopefully.
"Nope sweetie, your mother and I have to tell you where babies come from," I told her and she plopped down on the sofa opposite us.
"Fine, just get it over with."
"Well the boy gets his part," I started. "And puts it into the girls part. Then they do a sort of dance. And then nine months later you have a baby coming right out where the boy put his part at. Having a baby is called first being pregnant and then giving birth," Bella finished.
It was quiet while Melissa thought about this.
"She's taking it sort of well, don't you think?" I whispered to Bella. I spoke too soon.
"No way is a boy putting his thing in my private area! And a baby is going to come out of that small place? I don't think so! I am staying away from boys for a VERY long time," Melissa exclaimed.
"Okay, Melissa we're just glad that we got this conversation out of the way," I said while reaching for my medical book. "Oh and look at this when you have a chance or are still curious about the boy and girl bodies."
She took the book and ran up to her room. We heard her close the door and put on her music.
"That went well."
"It did. But I'm more happy that she is going to stay away from boys quite longer."
She chuckled. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her onto my lap and gave her a deep kiss.
"Edward?" She asked. I hummed in response while kissing down her neck, "What should we do as get back at Emmett?" I stopped and pulled away a bit.
"Hmm... I see a pregnancy coming from that 'hot blond' Emmett was with at Club Moon the other night," I said mischievously.
Bella looked at me curiously.
"Emmett said that she was the bartender there. We could find her and ask her to be part of the plan and scare Emmett because you know he's not ready to be a family man."
She squealed and said it was perfect and that Emmett would totally flip out about it. Of course we wouldn't punish him that long. Maybe for a few hours, or until he comes out of shock.
Oh I so can't wait to put that plan into motion.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the little laughs. I had fun freaking out Edward.
Hope to hear what you went through or what you told your children. I didn't get the talk, but I did get this giant medical book since my mom works at a hospital.
But anyways, I think I found it under her bed and I got curious. Curiosity killed the cat, right? LOL but that's how I learned. And there were TONS of pictures in there and also how babies looked inside and of course the reproduction organs.