DISCLAIMER: I own what does not belong to Mr. Dick Wolf.
A/N: I'm sorry it's been forever. I've just... not been able to write. I'm sorry. But hopefully, I'll get back into it soon... I think it helps me. Anyway, here's something I've been working on since I first heard the song "I Want You To Live" by George Canyon (several months back). Based on the song. I've always had this idea from day one, so... Yeah. I hope it's okay. :)
He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and smiled. He lifted her chin, and she looked up into his eyes. His big, glimmering blue eyes… She smiled back, blushing slightly. "Keep your chin up, Liv. You can do this…" he paused for a moment. "We can do this."
She looked from his eyes to his lips, then back swiftly to his eyes. She leaned up slowly, shutting her eyes. She knew it was Elliot, she knew he was her partner, she knew she shouldn't, she knew it was wrong… but how could something so wrong, feel so right?
She stopped just before her lips met his. She breathed softly on his skin, caressing his nose with hers. He stood completely still, his muscles tensed. He looked down at her, his brow drawn in, but not anger. She lingered there for a moment, then finally went for it, diving in and kissing him deeply. She could feel him melt as soon as her lips met his. She could feel him give way to bottled passion and let himself go.
She went to pull away, but as soon as she did Elliot grabbed her head with both his hands and brought her back to him, kissing her again.
"Benson," she said sleepily as she rolled over and picked up her phone which had begun buzzing on the nightstand.
"Hello?" she said again, propping herself up on her elbow, waking up a little more.
"…Olivia," someone finally said quietly. There was a certain sadness in their voice.
"Cap'n? What's wrong?" she asked hastily, getting up out of bed and already beginning to pull some real clothes on.
He paused and so did Olivia. She felt as though she might miss what he was going to say if she kept moving.
"You need to get down to Mercy…" he paused again. "Elliot's been attacked."
Her jaw dropped but she stayed unmoving, her jeans halfway on. Her heart started racing and she did everything she could to keep herself from breaking into tears. "I'll be right there," she whispered, hanging up the phone and pulling her clothes on.
It wasn't ten minutes before Olivia was wheeling up in front of the hospital, and hurrying inside. She turned down the hall and saw Cragen pacing back and forth slowly, scratching the back of his head; Munch leaning back in a chair, twiddling his thumbs nervously; and Fin leaning hunched over in a chair next to Munch, looking at his feet.
She stopped and looked at them for a moment before walking briskly towards them. "Guys?" she said softly as she approached.
All their gazes shot to her and they stood abruptly, standing in a line to face her and straightening all their clothes as if preparing for something. She looked at all of them, a nervous look in her eyes. "What happened?"
Cragen looked to Fin and Munch before stepping forward. He cleared his throat. "Elliot was… chasing down a perp, and… he corned the guy, but he had an accomplice who snuck up behind Elliot and began…" He paused and cleared his throat again. It was obviously hard for him to say, and Olivia could see that something bad was coming up. "…strangling him with a rope… The perp. Began swinging at Elliot, then… he bashed El's head into the wall… He hemorrhaged into his brain." He looked up to her, his eyes full of sadness. "He's in a coma."
Olivia's eyes welled up with tears and she covered her mouth. "No…" she whispered. "Is he… is he gonna be okay?" she asked hopefully, but not optimistically.
Cragen dropped his gaze. "Doctors say that it's severe… and he probably won't wake up. They said we should pull the plug… if there are no improvements over a week…"
Olivia broke down, falling into a chair and sobbing into her hands. Fin sat beside her and rubbed her back reassuringly, trying to comfort her.
She stood slowly, tears still flowing from her eyes. She went to the window that looked into a dark room. Elliot was lying in the bed, a tube down his throat and wires attaching him to a monitor.
She went into the room and sat beside him on the bed. She took his hand and stroked it gently. She simply looked at him for the longest time. How could this have happened? Just two nights ago they had confessed, given in… and now this.
"I should have been there," she whispered to him, completely aware that he couldn't hear her. "I shouldn't have let you go alone… I could have stopped it."
She gazed sadly at him. Then, she leaned down and kissed him gently. "I know you loved me now. And you know I loved you. So…" she paused, looking him up and down. "If you need to go… you can go…" She smiled weakly, tears flooding down her face. "You can go..."
A week later, Elliot was showing no progress in his condition as the doctor approached Olivia. She looked up to him with sad, brown eyes.
"Ms. Benson," he began slowly, with a sigh. "As you know, Mr. Stabler has had no improvement in his condition…" He paused. "And you're his next of kin…"
"I am?" she asked, her head jolting up. Her eyes fluttered to look at Elliot, lying motionless in his bed. She smiled weakly.
He nodded. He waited a moment before speaking again. "It's not our decision, it's yours, but we would recommend pulling the plug." He stopped abruptly. She could see it was an awkward conversation for him.
She averted her eyes, then, after a long minute of contemplating, nodded slightly.
"You just let us know when you're ready," he said softly.
She sat for a long while, lost in her thoughts. Finally, she pulled out her phone and dialed, putting it to her ear.
"Olivia," Don said gently on the other end of the line.
She waited a moment, unable to speak. "…It's time," she said so faintly, he almost couldn't hear her. "Could you… get everyone together?"
"Of course," he said gently. "We'll be there soon." And with that, he was gone, leaving Olivia to the monotone beep humming in her ear.
She closed the phone and sat next to Elliot, holding his hand in silence. Her heart was racing, and she would have been crying, but she had no tears to cry anymore…
"Olivia," Casey said as the door opened. Olivia turned to face her friend. She'd been crying. She quickly embraced Olivia in a tight hug.
Olivia slowly put her free arm around Casey, still holding Elliot's hand tightly. She blinked and the rest of the gang was standing in the doorway. Huang, Warner, Munch, Fin, and Cragen. Their eyes full of sadness and sorrow.
Casey pulled away and Olivia smiled weakly at all of them. She wasn't quite grasping the idea that she wasn't going to see him tomorrow, this wasn't just goodnight – it was goodbye.
The group sat around Elliot's motionless figure for a long time, in complete silence – the only sound in the room the constant beep of his heart on the monitor.
After what seemed like ages, the doctor finally entered the room. "Are you ready, Ms. Benson?" He said her name like he was addressing her, but he looked to the whole room for his answer.
Everyone looked at her, and she took the time to look back at every single one of them. Her eyes fell on Cragen last, and she lingered there. Cragen was a father figure to all of them. But especially to Olivia, who had never known what it felt like to have a father.
She turned back to the doctor and nodded once, slowly.
As the doctor stood by the monitor, his finger on the switch, Olivia quickly took Elliot's hand and kissed his fingers, leaving her lips lingering there. She found her tears again and was crying within a heartbeat.
He flipped the switch and wanted to scream. No. She had changed her mind. She wanted him to live, she wanted things to go back and be exactly how they were before. She wanted to hear his voice, see him smile, hear him laugh. She wanted him to live...
Everything shut off, and his heart monitor went flat. Casey was in silent tears, and Warner was on the verge. Olivia knew that all the men wanted to, but they were men – they weren't supposed to cry. So they kept their tears at bay.
Olivia moved Elliot's hand, so his knuckles were resting against her forehead. She cried so hard, it was difficult to breathe.
She put his hand on her chin, looking at him with puffy eyes. He was growing pale, already loosing the little color he had. "I want you to live..." she whispered to him.
She was sitting on the floor, a brown cardboard box next to her. She was holding a blue, button-up shirt. Elliot's. She moved the fabric through her fingers, smiling at the familiar feeling. She brought it to her face, inhaling the sent that was uniquely his.
She wrapped her arms firmly around the shirt, holding it close. She felt as though she was holding him in her arms again.
And for a long, long moment, she sat there, holding him close, smelling his sent. Finally, she pulled the shirt away and folded it carefully, then placed it into the box beside her.
She picked up the rest of the shirts and tossed them into the box, standing up. She went to his mantel and picked up one of the framed photos. She smiled and tears came to her eyes.
She had her arms around his shoulders and her head in the crook of his neck, between his jaw and his shoulder. He rested the side of his head against hers. Both of them had bright, beaming smiles on their faces.
She smiled again, a single tear running down her cheek. She dabbed quickly at it, wiping it away.
She held it to her chest, bowing her head and trying to remember how his body felt against hers.
Just then the door swung open quietly. Olivia looked up, silent tears running down her cheeks. "Maureen," she whispered with a weak smile.
Maureen stopped at the sight of Olivia. She gave her a sad look – a helpless look. "Liv," was all she could say.
Olivia nodded and bit her lip, more tears coming to her eyes. Whenever she'd stop crying, she always thought she had finally run out of tears. Until the next time...
Maureen quickly embraced Olivia, who continued to hold the picture to her chest. She couldn't believe that Elliot's daughter was almost thirty years old. She couldn't believe that Elliot's daughter was the one comforting her...
"I want him back," she cried softly.
"I know," Maureen said back. "I know... I want him back, too."
Olivia couldn't believe Maureen wasn't crying. Maybe she was and Olivia just couldn't see it. Or maybe it was because she had run out of tears. Or maybe it was because she wasn't that close to her father anymore. Or maybe it was because she hadn't loved Elliot... not the way Olivia did. But whatever it was, Olivia couldn't believe she wasn't crying over her father.
"Let's go, Liv," Maureen said after a long minute. She pulled away, holding Olivia at an arms length and smiling kindly at her. "Let's go do something fun together. Get dinner, go to a movie. Whatever. Let's just get out of here. Let's just keep out minds off of this. At least for now."
Olivia smiled. She nodded in agreement. She carefully placed the picture back on the mantle, right where it had been – in line with the dust that had gathered around it. She looked at it one last time before leaving with Maureen.
She was lying awake that night, tossing and turning uncomfortably. She couldn't seem to find a comfortable spot, not without Elliot's body there next to her... She laid on her back, looking up at the ceiling, her sheets thrown askew.
She looked up at the plain, white, boring ceiling... thinking how much more amazing it seemed with him by her side.
She tried not to cry, she didn't want to cry anymore. But how could she not? The man she loved – her partner, her best friend... was gone. Gone forever. And there wasn't a second of the day she couldn't stop thinking about him.
But she couldn't cry. Not with Maureen in the next room. Olivia was sure that the girl wasn't asleep, she was sure she could hear her if she started crying.
"I don't know what to do without you," she whispered quietly to the emptiness of the room.
"You did a great job in there, Celia," Olivia said as she kneeled next to the small girl after court. She stroked her long blond hair and smiled at the girl.
She was only six, but she was one of the strongest people Olivia knew. She had watched a man rape and kill her mother while he forced her father to watch. Then she watched him kill her father. All from the safety of her parent's bedroom closet. At least, it was safe. Until the man went rummaging for jewelry, or money, or anything that would get him some cash. He stumbled upon the little girl, curled up in the corner of the closet. He laid her next to her dead mother and raped her, too. He slit her throat, but not deep enough. And what he didn't know what that her neighbor had already called the police. They showed up just in the nick of time. The man was arrested, and Celia saved. She lived and was strong enough to testify in open court to lock him away for the rest of his life.
And Olivia thought she was having it bad. She smiled once again at the girl as the guard escorted her away. She looked back at Olivia one last time with big, smiling eyes.
Olivia put a hand on the small of her back and hoisted herself into the bench behind her. She leaned back and exhaled, sighing deeply.
Casey came out of the courtroom, her blond hair tied back into a ponytail, revealing the bright smile on her face. Olivia looked up at her and grinned as Casey sat down on the bench next to her.
Neither of them had to say a word, they both knew each others feelings. So, instead, Casey turned her attention elsewhere. She put a hand on Olivia's swollen stomach, rubbing it gently. She leaned down and kissed it gently. "How's he doing?" she asked.
Olivia rubbed her bump as well, feeling the ever so slight kicking. She smiled sadly, thinking of one thing and one thing only. Elliot. "He's…" She turned at looked at the question in her friend's eyes. "Great," Olivia said with a smile.
"I still can't believe you're pregnant," Casey said, getting up to leave.
"Me either," Olivia whispered. But before she knew it, Casey was gone. She looked away, her gaze fading and her mind drifting.
She really couldn't believe it. She had spent one night with Elliot. One. Night. And now she was carrying his child, a part of him. Even though he was gone, he was still living on…
As she lay in bed that night, restless as usual, she got up to walk. She sat down on her windowsill, leaning out the open window to look up at the night sky. It was a clear night and it was the first time she could remember seeing the stars in years. A slight breeze blew past her.
"I miss you… So much," she whispered to the sky. "I can't do this without you…"
A breeze blew by again, and she could have sworn she heard Elliot's voice in it. "I want you to live," he whispered.
Another breeze. "I want to see you smile."
Another. "I want you to know I'm alright."
And with that, the breeze was gone and the night was still. Small tears were running down her face as she looked up into the night. Her eyes glittered with hope. And then, listening to the echoing voice in her head, she grinned.
A bright beam crossed her face as she looked up. There was a nurse standing just inside the door. She was holding a baby in her arms, sound asleep and wrapped in a white blanket.
Olivia opened her arms, almost beckoningly. The nurse smiled and handed the baby over to his mother. Olivia pulled him close to her and smiled down.
Her hair was curled after drying from the sweat that had previously plastered it to her head. It was pulled back into a ponytail, but the loose strands swung in her face. Tears started falling down her cheeks as she looked down at her son. Her son… Elliot's son…
"Hi baby," she whispered to him. "Welcome to the world."
Olivia looked up as she sensed a presence in the room. A young man, barely seventeen, was standing in the doorway. He shifted his weight, almost uncomfortably. Olivia smiled at him. "Wanna meet your baby brother, Dickie?" she asked him gently.
And without saying anything, Dickie was next to her. She carefully handed the baby to Dickie, who cradled him gently. He smiled down at the boy in his arms. And what he did next, she couldn't have predicted. He placed his nose to the baby's and began crying gently.
"Dickie," Olivia sighed. She saw that he was hurting and wanted to comfort him, but couldn't find any words.
"He looks like you," he said quietly after a long minute, looking over to Olivia. He smiled weakly then turned his gaze back to the baby in his arms. "But he looks like dad, too…"
Olivia thought for a moment. "Dickie?" He looked at her. "What do you think his name should be?"
And for a long, long while, Dickie didn't say anything. He stood smiling down at his baby brother, thinking. Finally, he turned to look back up at Olivia. He stifled down a sniff. "Dad used to talk so highly of grandpa sometimes," Dickie began.
Olivia nodded, dropping her gaze slightly. "Joe," she said under her breath.
Dickie nodded. "And if Eli wasn't already, I'd say to name him after dad."
"Joseph Donald?" Olivia said, making sound like more of a statement than a question. "After Cragen, too."
Dickie smiled at her, then back to the baby in his arms. "Little Joey," he whispered.
At that moment, the baby opened his eyes. Dickie ceased all movement and looked down at his brother, who blinked several times then smiled back up at Dickie and reached out for him with tiny hands.
"What's wrong?" Olivia asked, sitting up further.
"His eyes," Dickie said under his breath. "They're amazing."
He had dark brown eyes, just like his mother's. Except for the bright blue around his pupils.
Dickie handed him back to Olivia, who marveled at the sight of her son's magnificent eyes.
"I researched it in school," Dickie said. "It's called heterochromia. It's like when dogs have two different colored eyes. Except he's got central, so it's just around his pupils."
Olivia bit her lip as Joey wrapped his hands around her finger, smiling up at her. She looked at the blue in his eyes. That blue...
"Elliot..." she whispered to herself.
She rolled over, not wanting to get up one more time. But she reluctantly pulled herself out of bed, where she had just settled her self again half an hour before.
She went to the nursery, where Joey was crying desperately. She picked him up and began patting his back, rocking slowly as she shushed him softly.
After burping him, Joey calmed his crying and quickly fell asleep against Olivia's shoulder. She gently placed him back in the crib and went back to her room, falling onto her bed, exhausted.
She turned her body to look out the window, staring up at the sky, bleeding with the rising sun. She pulled the sheets closer to her. "You should see him," she whispered. "He's beautiful. He'll be an amazing man... just like you were."
She stared up at the sky for a long while more. Then finally, her eyes began to droop and she felt tired again. "I want you to live," she whispered before slipping back into slumber.
She woke abruptly, gasping for breath as though she had just about lost it. Her heart was racing and adrenaline pumped through her veins. She took slow, deep breaths to calm herself.
"It was just a dream," she told herself over and over again.
She laid back down, rolling over. She sat back up quickly, looking down at the body she had just found lying next to her. In an instant, her breath was gone again.
The man stirred and opened one eye. He smiled weakly. "Hey Liv," he said with a yawn.
"Where are we?" she said slowly and quietly.
"My apartment," he said, sounding a little confused.
"What day is it?"
"Tuesday, the fourth," he said, sitting up and sounding worried now.
"And the year?" Tears started building up behind her eyes.
"Olivia? What's wrong?" he asked, pulling her close to his bare chest.
"Oh Elliot," she cried, pulling him as close as she could. "I had this awful dream."
"It's okay, Livvie. It was just a dream."
"Don't ever leave me again..." she sobbed quietly.
"I'm not going anywhere. Promise." He rubbed gentle circled on her back.
"Don't go hunting down any leads for the Amelia Crocker case, El. Promise me you won't?" she said, looking up at him with wet eyes.
He looked at her for a moment, confused. "Okay," he promised. "I won't."
And with that, she fell back into him, sobbing uncontrollably. "Joey," she cried softly. She looked back up to him. "Joey." There was a small glimmer of hope behind her tears.
Elliot looked at her with questioning eyes. "Who's Joey?"
Olivia bit her lip and for the first time in what felt like forever, she smiled. "Our son," she whispered so softly he almost couldn't hear her.
"What?" he said after a long minute.
"It was this awful dream..." She snuggled close to him. "You died... but I was pregnant..."
Not knowing how to respond, he kissed the top of her head.
Later that day, in the squad room, Olivia told the captain what she had dreamt... or at least the part about the case. It put them on a new lead to the perp's friend, Daniel Howie. They found out he had been hiding out in a warehouse he owned, one that had come up earlier in the investigation.
Olivia had made Elliot promise not to go, and she refused to go herself, so Munch and Fin volunteered. They caught the perp, Xavier Ramirez, and his accomplice, Daniel Howie without complications.
"This thing is so slow!" she shouted as she continued to pace back and forth along the row of sinks in the bathroom.
"Just be patient, Liv."
And for another tenuous minute, Olivia paced, chewing on her thumb. When her two minutes had passed, Olivia looked down at the stick. Casey stood, waiting anxiously. The little blue minus sign didn't change and Olivia's face fell. She tossed the stick into the trash and left the room, not saying a word to Casey.
Casey looked sadly after her friend. And just as she was about follow her friend out the bathroom doors, she glanced down into the garbage can. And before her very eyes, the little blue minus on the stick changed into a little pink plus.
She snatched it quickly and ran after Olivia. "Olivia!" she shouted. Olivia turned around. "Liv, wait!" she shouted again, flailing the white stick above her head.
She caught up with her and handed the test to Olivia, who looked down at it.
A little pink plus sat plainly before her eyes. It was like a déjà-vu. She had seen this scene before, she knew the outcome. Or half of it, anyway. It was like her dream wasn't a dream at all, but a premonition...
She put a hand to her stomach as tears welled up behind her soft eyes. "Joey," she said under her breath.
He rolled over , the sheets sliding over his body. He wrapped an arm around her body, rubbing her eight-month swollen belly. She rolled over slightly, looking up to his face. She smiled.
"Morning sunshine," he said, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Morning," she said back.
She laid her hand over his at her stomach. Elliot leaned the side of his head against her stomach, listening to the heartbeat of the baby under her skin. He kissed her stomach gently. "Hi baby, Joey," he whispered. There was suddenly a slight kicking at his hand and his eyes shot up to Olivia.
She smiled down at him, her arms behind her head, leaning back comfortably.
"He likes the sound of your voice," she said simply. She ran her fingers through his short, peppered hair.
He pushed himself up, leaning close to her face. He grinned. "I like the sound of your voice," he whispered, kissing her softly.
He kissed her again, and again, and again. Finally, she pulled away, slapping his bare back gently. "You should go get ready for work, Cragen will kill you."
He grinned. "I think he'll understand if my pregnant wife needs me, at least for a few more hours." He kissed her again and she smiled, cupping his strong jaw in her hands and kissing him back.
She leaned back and looked up to the ceiling. He flopped over next to her, looking up to try to see what she was seeing. He looked from her, then back to the ceiling, squinting at it – confused.
"What's there?" he asked.
She smiled. "Nothing," she stated. "I was just thinking."
Still smiling, she said, "How much more interesting it looks with you here next to me."
A/N: I hope you liked it. Please R&R! Please, please? Reviews help me, too... Plus, just look at that little green button. It looks so loney, doesn't it? You and it would make good friends. ^_^;;