SUMMARY:My obligatory post-"Fractures" fic.. John POV (a challenge in itself considering I normally do Aeryn POV), set at some point during the episode. A sister/brother/cousin fic to Dylan's, sort of...
RATING:PG. Prolly less, though.
DISCLAIMER:Characters not mine, story is. Thanks to Dylan for letting me use his as the beginning of mine =)
AUTHOR'S NOTES:I had to, okay??? Everyone else did!
© T'eyla Minh 2002
How could I be so damn naïve? I was grinning like a frelling kid in that hangar… I mean, I honestly thought… what? That Aeryn would be as happy to see me as I am her?
"Well, there's a familiar face," I said. Idiot! So! Stupid! Of all the unoriginal things I could say. Why didn't I just frelling propose while I was at it?!
And the Other me. He's dead, apparently. Boy, Crais didn't want to tell me that, I could tell. I wonder what dren he got himself into to be lumbered with that task… It explains a lot, though. What would I have done, for God's sake? I'd have tried… just like him… I'd have broken through her barriers. It would have been me she fell in love with.
I can't believe I'm jealous of myself. It's all a little too 'Twilight Zone' for me…
All this time, waiting for her. Just to see her alive. Kinda ironic, really… I see her there, alive and kicking, just the same as always, and I'm so happy - no, euphoric - beyond measure. She sees me, alive… and I just remind her of what she lost. I remind her of her own weakness, and God, don't I know how much she hates weaknesses.
Only Aeryn can break my heart twice in as many Solar Days. First, I find myself picking it up off the hangar floor where she threw it in her wake… and then, it's shattered all around me again in millions of pieces... and she does this without saying a single word. How?
If she just didn't love me, or even didn't like me, I could accept it. It wouldn't hurt so frelling much. What really kicks it is that I know, I'm so damn sure, that she does love me, and she's just too scared to admit it. After all, I'm him, right? And she said she loved me, way before the stupid twinning!
She acts like… well, not like I don't exist, more that I do and I just don't matter. I'm the proverbial bug she stepped on as she came out of the transport pod. It's like my feelings are completely unimportant. She truly believes I'm the Copy. D'Argo was right. I don't know how I can convince her we're the same. I can't tell if she's listening to me or not… I'm sure she is. She'll be just waiting for something she can turn against me. She's gonna fight me all the frelling way with this until she wins…
I know her too well. She's trying to make me stop loving her so she won't have to deal with it, so she can get on with her life without my feelings interfering and clouding her judgement and mine. Probably to protect me, too. I'm not gonna do anything stupid if I'm not trying to be the hero, after all… and she knows… she knows damn well I only ever do it for her. She's sneaky…
Well, Aeryn, it ain't gonna work this time. You can spurn me, you can ignore me, you can even hate me if you want. It's not going to change the simple fact that I love you, and nothing you do will ever make me stop.
And if only I could say that to her face without losing all coherent thought along the way… if only it were that frelling easy.
I remember that phrase, "love hurts"… the first time I heard it, I wondered how it could. I mean, it's meant to be a good thing, right? I learned with Alex, all that time ago, that love really does hurt. It hurts when it's there, it hurts even more when it's gone… and I should have remembered. But Alex… that was a scratch, a pinprick, compared to this. With Aeryn, it's like my every limb is made of concrete, and somebody's hit me with a sledgehammer… like someone took an axe to my chest and began hacking. My body is screaming in agony, and my mind is completely numb. I can't decide what to do, or even where to stand. Aeryn manages to leave me a complete wreck, no matter what she does.
If it hurt when I thought she didn't love me, it was twice as bad when I knew she did, but she was on Talyn and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. And now, it's way off the scale. Knowing that I love her more than ever, knowing with complete certainty that she loves me, and knowing that both cause her so much pain. Even the Aurora Chair was pleasant compared to this…
I want to be there for her, even if I'm just a friend, but I know she won't let me in. The barricades are well and truly up, and nothing's going to get through without a serious fight. I'm back at square one. No, I'm worse than that… I'd be back at square one if I didn't love her so much… After all this time, Aeryn's gone again, and Officer Sun is back.
I did it once. I can do it again. It took me three frelling cycles, but I managed to dig Aeryn out of that Peacekeeper dren. I know I can do it. I have all the patience in the world.
I just wonder if she does. How long before she beats me up just to shut me up?
I'm reminded of that song… "Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying". I don't remember the words or the tune, even… but it's just one of those titles that stuck in my mind for some reason. Nothing's ever been more apt. She can't know how much I'm affected by all this. It's a weakness, right…? And Aeryn hates that. I have to be strong through this. For her. For me. For us both.
Plan of action: find Scorpius. Get that outta the way. Then, gather the shards of my fractured heart, and talk to Aeryn. She doesn't even have to talk back. I just have to get through to her somehow… and I will. Somehow.
It's over! For some incredibly light relief, I have another fic on the way which is silly in the extreme. We need to break from angst, after all… Anyway, please R&R.