(The White Dress: Stained)
Dear the fucking bundles of crumpled paper I must refer to as "my beloved Diary" or some shit,
I am Sakura Haruno, a high school student, a volunteer at the Konoha Leaf Hospital, and regular angsty and bitchy teenager.
But, people think that I'm a lot more than that.
The naive ones think I'm polite. The idiots think I'm smart. The jerk offs say I'm an angel. And the truly stupid people say that I'm pretty. The girlfriends of the naïve ones know I'm a rude bitch. They themselves think I'm naïve. Most people think that I'm a devil with angel's wings. The utterly clueless say that I'm a good person.
And everyone knows that I was afraid of nothing.
I have skirted around danger, pranced in its face, and seduced it with my carefree, kiss-my-ass-you'll-never-drag-me-down attitude...
But, on that day, it all caught back up with me. Danger swallowed me whole, and refused to let me loose without chewing, and burning me with acidic stomach juices.
People said that that day was the day that the devil with angel's wings, fell out of heaven's fruitful tree, and into the fiery pit called "Hell."
My name is Sakura Haruno, and I feared nothing, until that fateful day, when I stared at fear in the face.
I straightened out my favorite white dress. It had small black buttons running down the front that stopped at the bottom of my stomach, and the buttons held down the small ruffles. The dress also had a stiff white bow tied on the left side of my belly, making my waist small. It had a puffy bottom that stopped at the top of my knees.
I smiled in the mirror, doing a girlish twirl, watching the dress fan out below me, and put in my pearl earrings while spinning.
I stopped and held onto the counter, watching my reflection in the mirror disorient itself. I chuckled at my stupidity, and then blink.
I looked at my mahogany colored table, and pulled out my pearl necklace from a satin box. I stared at it in my palms. It was a gift. And it is my favorite gift I had ever received.
After admiring it for a while, I put it on with some difficulty. I was reaching all the way to the back of my neck, getting my pink locks tangles in the locks, and then ran down the stairs.
My mom was standing at the foot of the stairs, watching me stomp down hastily. Ignoring my mom completely, I pushed through her and strapped on my favorite black sandals with a subtle heel.
When I was done I hopped up and proceeded to the door, my shoes make dull thumps as I walked over towards it. As if on cue, the second I had reached it, the door bell rang.
I opened the door, to see the boy waiting for me. He was standing nonchalantly, looking at me. He smirked and said, "You look nice."
I snorted, flipping my long pink locks over my shoulder. In an annoyed voice I huffed, "I always look nice, Sasuke-kun."
He snickered, pulling my bangs out of my face and then petting my head. He chuckled as I scrunched my nose and swatted his hand away.
Just as I was about to walk out, my mother came out of nowhere, holding my electric blue cardigan. "Sakura! Put on a coat!" my mother called from behind me.
I waved her away, assuring her with a fake smile, though, as soon as I turned around I scowled deeply.
I held onto my Sasuke-kun's warm hand and shook my head, "I'm fine, mom!" I stepped out of my house. I didn't even notice the chill. I closed the door behind me.
The boy looked at me and said, almost fatherly, "You should listen to your mother."
I rolled my eyes and spat, "Whatever, Sasuke."
He squeezed my hand and sighed, "You're so impossible Sakura. It's a wonder how I'm friends with you."
I looked at him, and he averted his gaze. I turned away and made a face. I agreed and said, "A wonder indeed." I huffed, and we were surrounded by silence.
We walked without word to the mall, where we were going to meet up with Naruto and Hinata.
He's Sasuke-kun's and I's best friend.
Or well, he's Sasuke-kun's best male friend, and to me… to me he's a boy that I've liked ever since the first time he's ever he told me I was beautiful (which was roughly two weeks ago, I was wearing that same dress).
And the girl… Well, that's his girlfriend.
She's overprotected and everything. She's small and delicate looking, and she's really beautiful too. She has thick, dark lashes that frame her pale lavender eyes, which are a mystery to me, and she has long purple black hair.
I was very, very jealous.
Not only was she beautiful, but she had gotten Naruto.
I had a crush on him, he is one of my dear friends, and he was always nice to me, no matter how snarky I was. But, of course, the heroine doesn't usually end up with her best friend.
I looked to the boy next to me, his face was faced forward, his eyes were ahead and he looked deep in thought.
His blue black hair was cut in a shaggy way; I could almost count the layers, and was sticking up in the back. His lips were pale, and his face was angular and his skin was flawless and gave an eerie white glow.
He was a god.
The girls at school are all over him, throwing themselves, actually and the boys at school were all over him too, asking for autographs or his techniques. They often asked him about how he got so many girls. And they asked to hang out, a pitiful attempt to become a "chick magnet," but Sasuke-kun would always say no.
He'd say no, and tell them that he was going to hang out with me.
He would say that I have better conversation. They would ogle, and remember the times where they tried to talk to me, or should I say, my pretty face. It usually ended up with "the finger" and a couple unintelligent words.
But whatever, Sasuke always listened to what I had to and I think that was my favorite part about him. Once you break down his walls, (easier than you think) he's just a pile of fluff, like cotton candy, melt in your mouth kinda things.
Sweet, and kind, and cute, and naïve.
Yet, really, my real favorite parts about him are his eyes. Those gorgeous jewels that were embedded into his head were his eyes should be. They were always warm and cozy, and just… just so Sasuke. I would look at him, and see myself, I almost feel pretty or beautiful; those meaningless words people spew all the time. In his eyes, I seem like a better person, literally and figuratively.
And that's what he's made of. Those are his ingredients, add a hint of charm and a gallon full of arrogance, and then you've made Sasuke-kun. But don't go trying to concoct a boy like him, trust me, it's not going to work, he's one of a kind.
Suddenly he looked at me, caught me staring. I made no move to turn away. With his sly smirk, he simply said, "I know, I know, I'm gorgeous." In a fashion that he would only do with me, he flipped his bangs to the side.
I stuck my tongue out at him, and puffed out my cheeks, "Don't be so full of yourself, Kid." After sharing some snide comments to each other (that was our thing, making fun and such), we reached the mall. We hustled inside, pushing through people, or mostly him, he was just pulling me along.
We made way to the food court bustling with kids (our age), and moms (with nothing better to do than burn cash), and I heard him swear, "Kids. Why the hell do they always have to hang here?"
I snickered and retorted, "Why do we?" I shrugged.
He replied with his half smile and we sat at our usual table, right in front of the crowds, giving us a full view of the people. I sat next to him, and he casually hung his arm around my shoulders. I leaned on him.
Sasuke-kun chuckled, "Shall we start?"
I nodded and replied, "Start we shall." I straightened up in the seat, even though it was uncomfortable and hurt my ass.
(Honestly, get some better chairs, no one's gonna eat here if they have crappy-ass chairs.)
We scanned the crowd, and I found a particularly easy target. Subtly, I pointed to a girl in our class, long blonde hair, tight, trendy clothes, and a load of shopping bags.
Sasuke-kun looked at me, laughing, "You always choose her, what is left to say?"
I shrugged following her with my eyes. Inside, where Sasuke couldn't see, I was brimming with jealousy. I often was. Maybe that's why my eyes are green.
Ignoring what he said, I pointed out blandly, "Look at all those boys hounding her."
There was literally a pack of boys circling her and she ignored them. One even offered to carry her bags, I thought she was just being mean and brushing them off. Who wouldn't let someone, who offers them, to carry their bags!?
But I guess that's where someone would call me naïve.
"They're trying to get her attention, but she doesn't even spare them a glance," I scanned her form with jealousy one last time, and then Sasuke-kun pointed out someone else.
It was a boy in a parka, in late spring, with dog in his hood. I could just imagine how bad he smelled and how terrible his manners were. He wiped his nose on his sleeves and I blanched.
Sasuke-kun laughed at me, and looked at the boy with soft eyes (he's not gay, that's just his ridiculous thinking face. Or was.). He plays the most thoughtful face when he observes people like that.
He turned to me and said, "He likes dogs, and probably has mutual feelings for his dog. Like, he loves his dog, and his dog loves him. They never leave each other."
I looked at him then with an even more disturbed face. My mouth hung agape a little, and I swatted his arm.
He chortled and smiled (it could light up this whole mall, if he had shown it to someone else), "No, I meant that they were best friends. You know, kinda like us." He tilted his head downward, and looked up at me through his bangs, something he did when he was a little nervous and needed to avert his gaze quickly if he received the wrong answer. In a quiet voice that was just so innocent, and Sasuke, he whispered, "You love me right?"
I smiled and nodded, my long hair shaking with my head, "Only if you love me."
He caught my gaze through his blue black curtains and in a firmer voice, declared, "I do love you, Sakura."
What I said next may have been regrettable, "Good, because you're my best friend."
If I hadn't been distracted I would've seen his gaze looked down, and away. He lifted his head up and stared forward at the empty seats before us. I didn't notice any of this; I wasn't paying attention to him at the time. All I saw was Naruto heading towards us, his familiar goofy grin filling his face, and then his tan hand, wrapped securely around pale fingers.
My heart had clenched there, and it took all I had not to frown in disgust.
I mean, Naruto and Hinata? That's too cliché for real life. The popular boy, that is loved by everyone, breathes sunshine, and is as loud as a sonic boom, doesn't end up with the shy girl, a shadow who plays the piano in the background, and is as quiet as a flower dying.
That just isn't right.
(But then, I didn't know that love wasn't supposed to match.)
He pulled up in the seats in front of us, pulling out Hinata's chair, the gentlemen he is, and settled down in front of us. He smiled and nodded at Sasuke, who nodded back and looked at me, "Hello there, Sakura-chan!"
I cherished his smile; I had always thought it was only for me, because the smile he smiled to only Hinata was different.
(Oh, how I wish I knew otherwise.)
I smiled, "Hello, Naruto." I hoped then, that my smile had charmed his as he did me, enough for him to break from Hinata's hands and into my arms.
But I knew things didn't work that way either.
I needed a plan to get that idiot boy to look at me, to pay attention to me, for him to fall into love with me. And finally complete the empty feeling that never ceases to case me.
(I am empty. Empty. Empty.)
We all talked for a bit. Another part or our regular routine, just sitting and talking, watching people and making fun. That's what we did at the mall.
While Hinata and Naruto were engrossed with conversation about something I deemed irrelevant, ramen, seriously?
I looked at Sasuke-kun and he was looking back at me. His arm was casually slung over my shoulders again, and he was holding me close. We watched the kids and moms pass, we made our little witty comments and rallied back and forth about their lives.
Then our eyes fell on a couple kissing. I pointed at them, and Sasuke assessed them quickly.
I spoke, "I can't wait for times like that. Where you can hold one another without fear of rejection, or loneliness. They clearly love each other."
I stared. There was a look in their eyes that I knew could complete my emptiness.
(I am empty. Empty. Empty.)
Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. And quietly agreed, "Yeah." I didn't notice that he looked away from me again, I was elsewhere.
I turned my head to him and ignored the people around us, except Naruto, he was always in my head before. Trying to look calm and collected, I looked at him with half-lidded eyes and partially opened lips, I breathily suggested, "Can we try?"
He face turned a hundred shades of red, my innocent, innocent Sasuke-kun.
(How I wish he were still so.)
I watched as he gulped, I watched as he looked like a kindergartener with a bad case of stage fright. It was cute. In a cool voice he whispered, "If that's what you want…" Uncomfortably, he looked at me.
I smiled and nodded, "First kiss, right?"
He nodded too.
(It was both our firsts. We're 15 and we're not exactly romantically involved with anyone. So, don't expect anything big.)
I leaned up towards, him, he bent down a little.
Our lips touched, and his were soft, and I think mine were rough. My eyes were partially opened, and saw his were fully closed, with a lively mist of red in his cheeks.
(How I wish I saw this sooner.)
I could feel the surprised stares of Hinata and Naruto. I hoped that he would feel jealous and pick a fight. Maybe throw punches at Sasuke-kun, and then sweep me off my feet. But Naruto was loyal to his girlfriend, and when we broke away, he continued to pretend he was talking to Hinata the whole time.
I looked into Sasuke-kun's eyes, and I had seen something different. There was a look, that was familiar and I couldn't pinpoint.
I ignored it then, again.
He was such a bright red, and he retreated his arms back to pull down his shirt over the front of his pants, subtly. I noticed and smirked, winking at him. Flustered, an expression that had seemed to happen with me around, he got up with the excuse, "I have to go to the bathroom."
Hinata got up too, saying the same thing, but I think she meant it. And I was glad. I had Naruto alone. He was looking at me, playing with his fingers. I smiled.
He frowned, "What the hell was that, Sakura?"
My –chan was missing.
I played the innocent card again, "What are you talking about?"
"You kissing, Sasuke. You weren't serious, were you?"
I snapped back to my bitchy self then, and was completely blunt, "No, I wasn't serious."
Naruto sighed, and ran fingers through his hair, then folded his arms and leaned back in the uncomfortable white chairs, "They, why the hell did you do that? You're going to hurt his feelings."
His expression was so serious. But, I didn't pick that up.
"Because I wanted to make you jealous. I love you, Naruto."
He opened his eyes, shocked. I swear I saw a flash of disgust in his eyes, and it hurt. He tensed, and I felt my heart squeeze then. The blonde boy shook his head, "Don't shit with me."
I spoke in fragments, repeating what I said, then adding, "Ditch Hinata and come with me."
The look he sent me next slapped me. His eyes burned me, and I felt the loyalty he had, "No." his answer was one-worded but he struck hard enough to go through my thick skull, and into my brain.
But he continued, "Don't be such a bitch, Sakura. I love Hinata, deal with it. And don't play Sasuke like that, imagine the things you make go on in his head!"
I remember thinking that Sasuke was only my friend and I didn't know what Naruto was talking about.
I spat, "What the hell are you talking about?!" My fists were clenched, and I noticed that he was leaning towards me.
Naruto stared into my eyes, a soft kind of blue, "Don't you know? Sasuke like-!" He stopped abruptly, looking past me, and I already knew why.
What was he going to tell me?
(Something so obvious, that I should have noticed then.)
I stood up and Sasuke-kun and Hinata were behind me, walking up. I put on a smile, and so did Naruto, though his eyes were wary. I scratched my head and smiled, "Sasuke-kun, I think I'm going to head home early."
H e nodded, his cheeks still faintly blushed, "Alright, I'll walk you home." He took my hand, quite eagerly, and began to walk.
I didn't move with him. I frowned, finally annoyed to my limit, and I noticed Naruto craned his neck to listen to us talk. He made no move to stop even when I spared him a glance.
"No. I want to walk alone." I returned my stare to Sasuke-kun
Sasuke-kun pathetically stared wistfully at me, and said, "I'll walk you home."
I glared, "No. I'm fine. I'm a grown girl; I can take care of myself." I roughly pulled my hand out of his, and stuffed it in the pockets of my dress.
(I noticed my hand felt considerably cold after that.)
I walked out, leaving Sasuke-kun with his mouth open, and a confused Hinata. Naruto watched me leave, perhaps he was grateful. I walked outside, and I felt the brisk, cold on my arms.
Damn, I really should have brought that cardigan.
It was dark, and the streets were nearly empty. The lights in stores and the dimly lit streets lamps were all I had to guide my way. The moon wasn't helping very much.
I felt alone, and I felt pissed.
Fucking Naruto. Why not just accept my feelings? Why do you have to be so freaking' loyal to that girl. I've known you longer. I've loved you longer.
What the hell is wrong with you?
(All I can think of now is, what the hell is wrong with me?)
I didn't notice it then, but I walked straight into an alley. I noticed with I nearly walked into the wall. A dead end. My heart pulsated violently, but I cooled myself down.
I began to walk out when a figure walked around the corner and in a creepy, gruff voice whispered, "Why hello there, my love."
He came into view.
He had a hat messily put on his head, a disgusting badly shaven beard, beady eyes, and worn clothes. I think he only had one shoe on.
He looked like a 40-something year old drunken bastard. I pictured his life as a man with a dead end job, who parties at night to fill the empty space that was his life.
And He looked like the kind who would rape a girl like me.
I definitely wanted to get out of there.
I blanched, "Disgusting. Get out of my way." I tried to turn around him, to the main street.
He put a grimy hand on my shoulder, and I felt ash wipe off on me, "No, no, no!" He put his grubby finger onto my lips, and I threw up in my mouth, "No one gets through with a little lovin'." He pulled out an ominous looking syringe from his coat pocket.
My eyes widened and I gasped. I tried to break free, but he had a strong hold on my shoulder. I couldn't get away. I was too weak and small, and he was at least several times bigger than me.
I squirmed, and then he jumped onto me, straddling me to the ground. Pinning my one shoulder down, he pushed the needed under my skin, and emptied the syringe.
The pain was terrible, he must have pushed it too hard, and he just left it in my arm, pushing down my other shoulder.I let out strangled yelps.
After a few seconds I just felt numb. the effect of whatever drug he had put on me didn't work immediately.
(How I wish it did.)
I remember, he laughed and threw his head back. He looked at me with manic eyes, "Here I come!"
He pushed his chapped lips onto mine. He tasted like beer. He smelled like beer.
I felt tears sting my eyes, and they flew down my face.
I never wanted this to happen.
I didn't really think that karma was real.
But now I'm really regretting things.
The nameless bastard of a man tired to slip his tongue into my mouth. It felt like a slimy, warm slug rubbing my teeth and attempting doggy style of my tongue.
With the bits of insanity I head in my head I bit him.
It bled, into my mouth, and he pulled away, spitting blood on my white dress. He wiped his mouth and winked at me, "Feisty little one, aren't you?"
I spit blood at him.
He frowned, and then took another ominous object out of his coat pocket. It glinted at me, and I swear I almost shit in my dress.
My heart was beating so fast, and I kept screaming and screaming. They began to get muffled as he brought the knife to my neck, and whispered, "Alright, little one, I just want one quick use and then we both be on our merry way, a'ight?"
He pulled up my white dress, and he pulled down his pants, I saw his ugly dick hanging out and I wanted to die so badly.
I remember, I prayed, "Dear god, please save me, I'm sorry if I've done spiteful things and been a total a-hole to everyone… I'll stop. I promise, no, I swear. Just please save me from this horrible man."
He pulled at my underwear, and brought it down to my ankles.
In a last act of defiance, I kicked it in the balls, feeling everything that was there, and I do not want to recall, but it was wet.
He yelped in pain, and the knife slipped, falling, and slicing the side of my neck. He crouched on the floor, holding his crotch.
I sat up quickly, and my head felt heavy. Things were moving when they shouldn't. The drug was taking effect, and I was hyperventilating.
Not even bothering to pull up my panties, I tried to crawl to the exit, my voice was hoarse now, I had nothing to scream.
But that bastard of a man pulled my legs, and I clawed at the dirt off of the alley as a hold. I literally left my claw marks in the ground as he forcefully pulled me back.
Then he propped me up against the, wall and bit my ear, surely it left a mark, "It won't hurt, and it's your first, it won't matter."
It will matter.
My virginity may be all I have. It's my last bit of sanity, it's the only thing a girl really needs to protect. And I desperately didn't want it to be gone just like that, especially not to some random buzzed stranger who drugged me.
But there was nothing could do.
He positioned himself, and the only thing I could do was hold my hands before my private, stubbornly keeping it there even if he just pushes them away. I hoped he'd just give up and stroll away.
He didn't, he reached back for his knife and casually cut the backs of my hands and fingers, I screamed in pain, and pulled them close to my chest, leaving myself exposed and he, in ecstasy, screamed, "Get ready."
It would have gone in.
I would have been deflowered.
But there was a shout, a yell for my name, and never have I ever been so relieved.
The man who suddenly forgot what he was doing and stood up, roughly pulling up his pants, and leaving his belt unhooked. I watched him hide the knife in his sleeve.
I screamed, and the man mercilessly kicked my leg, I fell to the side. Someone called my name again. I was too groggy and out of it to distinguish voices.
I blinked and I saw Sasuke-kun huddled over me, his dark blue eyes searching my body. I didn't understand his tone of voice then, and his words were like water in my ears, I think he said something like, "Sakura, are you alright? Did he hurt you?!" I saw him scowl so deeply I was scared.
The man was behind him, his knife poised and a scream was caught in my throat, and all I managed to choke was, "Behind-!"
Sasuke-kun turned, and I heard his sickening scream, something that should have never been produced. He doubled over his hands to his face, and he let out pained gurgles. The man stabbed him at least three more times, and kicked him.
Sasuke screamed bloody mercy, and all I could do was watch. My body was weal and I kept spacing out. I felt inner turmoil, I had already began to feel guilt.
He stopped beating him, and turned to me. The man had his knife hanging limply in his grubby hands, bloodied, and at the time I had no clue what he had done. My brain was so muddled then, that it was hard to even stay awake.
But, I know so clearly what he said, "See, little girl? If you had just let me use you quickly, this wouldn't have happened! You're little boyfriend would be okay, and he'd probably get laid. But, you had to be a little bitch and deny me. What right do you have?!" There was probably a manic look in his eyes as he raised his knife.
My heart thudded.
The man suddenly fell, an action caused by Sasuke who kicked him in the back of the legs, he fell onto his knife. The stranger let out his own disgruntled scream, and I saw blood pour from his chest.
Sasuke was leaning against my legs, and everything was red. His hands were over his eyes, and I could see… blood.
I lifted my hand, it felt so heavy and put it over his eyes. In a surprisingly calm and collected voice he whispered, "No."
I nodded, and I felt everything move with me. I held his head to my chest and tried my best to stay awake. Sasuke's breathing was shallow, and I had wondered what happened to him.
Red and blue flashing lights came before us, but I didn't feel relieved at all.
I was scared of nothing, I loved taunting danger. But, that day, I, Sakura Haruno, was scared. I had fallen into hell, and the demons were torturing my soul, for all the deeds I done wrong.
But there was a savior, and I have pulled him down with me.
I feel so disgusted. But yeah, how was it? Good? Bad? Awesome? Terrible? I swear things will lighten up soon. Hm, gah, I feel lost. And this is freakin' long (that's what she said).