You may have seen Krauser's, Leon's, Weskers of Mr. Merchant's Letters to Capcom. Now I present to you the ones that never made it into a singleone-shot. Evil Letters to Capcom from the villains and minor characters of the series.
I am starting with HUNK, who DOES deserve a one-shot, but isn't getting one. 'Cause he's a mini-game character, therefore gets to be in these mini-series too. Also, my account is getting too crowded with one-shots.
Disclaimer;I do not, have not and will not ever own Resident Evil. Capcom did, does and probably will forever own Resident Evil. Sue me, it will not work.
(Oh yeah, as for the penname? I changed it. More info on profile and my sincere apologies for the inconvenience. I hated TakerTookmyToys so much. YUGH.)
Isn't it amazing how I started with a word like that, rather than addressing you as 'Capcom', just like everyone else did? There's a good reason for that; You never use my name, either.
I'm not sure why you never gave me a name. Is it because it's so damn hard to find out what it is? Or is it because I'm only a mini-game character, therefore do not need a name?
If you can't seem to find out about it;
Good job, H.U.N.K. Mission accomplished. You're still unknown, and that's what you aim for.
If you never gave me name because you didn't think I would need it;
Robert Kendo, Joseph Frost and many others did have names. A first and a last name, even. But were they really important? Did they do anything that could've changed the series? No, they died.
I am Human Unit Never Killed, I don't die, the Death cannot die. That, to me, is reason enough to give me a name, an age and some background information. Yet, that never happened. I get the mini-games, I get the crappy TMP in the mercenaries and I get a damn mask.
You know what, Company? Let me break this down into little pieces, to make it seem more organised.
HUNK goes WTF 1; Gasmask.
In Resident Evil I seem like one of the sanest characters, as I am smart enough to wear a gasmask during a viral outbreak. I approve of this, as I really don't like getting sick, and doubt turning into a zombie would've done me any good.
However, in Resident Evil 4's the Mercenaries I wear one too. I wonder why, since I doubt I could've ended up with a plaga just because I breathed the same air as the ganados did. Luis didn't have a plaga, I believe Krauser didn't, and nor did Ada, yet they lived. So I don't think that was such a dangerous situation in the first place. Not for HUNK anyway.
Also... You know, there's nothing wrong with the way I look. The name HUNK doesn't just mean 'Human Unit Never Killed'. I got it for two reasons, and the second reason shouldn't be too hard to guess. If you can't seem to figure it out, ask the ladies, they would be happy to explain it to you. That means it's fine to show my face, maybe I'd finally end up with some more fangirls... If even Krauser has them with a face like that, I think I would get some too, just show my face more often.
So lose the mask when I don't really need it. It's ridiculous. And kind of heavy on my face all the time, especially in combination with the evil red goggles and helmet.
HUNK goes WTF 2; No mask.
In the epilogue of Resident Evil 3 I am shown without my mask. Same thing happens during the Umbrella Chronicles, when you see my face reflected in that vial. I also think I was shown without the mask during one of the Outbreak games.
The thing here? I look different in all three games. In one I looked Australian, in one I looked American and in one I looked... Well, ugly.
Does that make sense to you, Company? Because to me, it doesn't. Not one bit. Yes, I do have blond hair, but if you look at my face, the picture in Resident Evil 3 comes closest. Please make sure to stick to that look from now on, I would appreciate it.
HUNK goes WTF 3; TMP.
I don't know if you are aware of it, but I own a custom handgun named Matilda. In Resident Evil 4, Matilda had suddenly evolved into a TMP. Now I don't mind TMP's, but when a man nicknames his weapon, then that means he will not allow anyone to mess with it. As cold as I may seem, or even be, that weapon holds emotional value. So turn Matilda back before I come over and make you.
Yes, that is a threat. No, I have never failed a mission.
HUNK goes WTF 4; Tofu.
The Tofu Survivor? Tofu? I'm sorry, but do you actually think I can be replaced by something that is made of food? I don't see the logic there. I know why you did it, but I still think it's insane. Tofu did not survive Raccoon City. Hardly anything did. The survival rate was four percent, and no, Tofu wasn't part of those four percent.
You really need to grow a brain and get a hobby, since I don't quite like the things you appear to come up with when you are bored.
HUNK goes WTF 5; HUNK.
That would be me, indeed. I am HUNK, Human Unit Never Killed and I am currently 3- years old. My name is M....... I bet you wanted to know that.
Yes, you do, but I won't tell you. You know why not? Because if you want to know, you should come and find out yourself. If you're capable of finding out that much information about Wesker, then why not about me? You need a new antagonist, do you not? Well, you found one. Come and get him.
HUNK goes WTF 6; Mini-games.
It annoys me how I am always behind the scenes, despite the fact I did some things that were rather remarkable, and definitely important. I retrieved the G-virus sample single-handedly. I transported a damn tyrant to Rockfort Island. I was constantly ahead of whoever Wesker was working for, much to his annoyance.
I annoyed Albert Wesker, so I deserve more than mini-games, I deserve my own game by now.
HUNK goes WTF 7; Jack Krauser.
You know... When Jack was licking Saddler's heels, I was around too. I was mainly there because I had nothing better to do after the fall of Umbrella, but I did make myself useful. The reason Jack was still alive after the fight with Leon?
I was that reason.
I was bored, wandering around, shooting heads off, when I came across the ruins. I gave Jack a first-aid-spray because I like the man, and I left again. Not because I was afraid of anyone seeing me do something nice, but because the island was about to blow up.
I mean, you must've known something about that... You put me in the Mercenaries for a reason, did you not?
HUNK goes WTF 8; Albert Wesker.
The man hated my guts, and I like it. I'm one of the very few people that is not and has not ever been afraid of Wesker. Even though the U.S.S. answered to both Birkin and Wesker, I never really feared the man. He wasn't that interesting anyway.
Point here is... I annoyed him quite a bit, and it would've been so much more fun to see that back in the games. I mean, Wesker versus HUNK, I bet some people would've liked that.
HUNK goes WTF 9; What now?
Many wonder what I am up to right now. You know, after the fall of Umbrella? Well, guess...
I'm writing letters to you because I don't have anything better to do. I've been in contact with both Wesker and Krauser, but I doubt we'll end up working together. I just don't take authorities that well, I suppose.
Just for the record; I did not join the 'good side'. I've got better stuff to do than saving other people's lifes. Watching my hair grow, for instance.
What I want?
More mini-games. I'm bored, release something new on PS2 and it'll keep me busy for a while. Make sure I am in it, and do not, under any circumstances, kill me.
If you do that, there will be hell to pay. And no, I have never failed a mission. You should know that by now.
HUNK goes WTF 10; Not enough WTF's.
I don't have enough to complain about, because you didn't put me in the games that often. Give me bigger roles and I will write longer letters that keep you busy when you're bored, because I never want to see a tofu survivor again.
Tofu... I still can't believe it. I won't tolerate such mockery, Matilda will take care of that.
I think that about clears it up...
Please remember a few things before you throw this letter away, only to ignore it;
- This is HUNK you're dealing with. I have never failed a mission so make sure to take my threats seriously.
- This is war. Survival is your responsibility.
- Stop it, you might hit the sample! (I do not know where that came from... Old habits die hard.)
One more thing...
The goggles, they give me psychic powers... (Luis made me write that down, he's been stalking me lately, it's getting quite annoying.)
Thank you for reading, now get back to making videogames that contain more HUNK-scenes. Or make me a whole game, just for myself, that would be lovely.
Human Unit Never Killed.
That was short. But HUNK... He needs more appearances, scenes and his own game. Seriously.
Your choice who is next; Alexia or Alfred Ashford. Let me know :)
Until next time!
-T. Uhm. I mean FUNK. Geez, you may still call me T, if it makes you feel better. No more Taker or Toys though. WWE started to bore me.
SEE YA. :D