Caution: lemony flavour and rude, nasty language designed to irritate the readers who love Eloquent Romantic Edward, my main man. Come on! Laugh. Rated M.
Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit. Only this warped idea belongs to me.
A parody of my first fic, "Unforeseen Events".
Merry Christmas, 2009, with love from jmolly!
Congratulations. I'm roasting you. :)
This fic was written in honour of Bookishqua, my Evil Twin. Love you Books. Thanks for every pm with which you've blessed me. I keep them all. But I bet you haven't read my work. Yet:D LOL.
Also dedicated with love to Boston Peg, Kid Sis Emma, Vamp Daughter Carrie, and Val the Kiwi, who are family to me. The best friends for whom anybody could ask, online or off.
Special thanks goes to my loyal readers and regular reviewers, some of whom have been with me since Day One:
blondiemarie, just me reading, Carrie loves twilight, cullenlover2, nicolleio, favludo, kitcatCullen13, stephibaby, mrs. alec, denisemh, Just Mione, vampyregurl09, Emma-MasenCullen, bookworm19065, AchillesMonkey, myyoung228, and GrahamsMomAngel.
Thanks also goes to those of you who have sent in a single review or a pm. And thanks to all those who have subscribed or favoured me or my works. Contact me. I'd love to meet you:)
I hope I haven't missed anyone. You, gentle reader, are a gift to me.
Why a parody? To expose you innocents to more of my wicked sense of humour. I've read a lot of hackneyed descriptions. Some of you have unwittingly mentioned expressions and characterizations, used by authors, that drive you crazy. Unbeknownst to you, I wrote them all down. The sole purpose? To annoy you with them now. You know who you are. And I want to play with these irritants, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
It's Christmastime. I'm sitting with my feet up, laptop in hand, admiring my tree and the fire in the fireplace. I'd love to read aloud to you, but alas, must settle for sending you print. Grab a beverage, put up your feet, and enjoy!
Don't forget I've posted playlists for 'Toasty Warm' and 'Prenuptual Posturing' on my channel: youtubedotcom/jmollytwilight/
This story is guaranteed to assassinate my canon. But it's still vamp/human and traditional pairings.
"Toasty Warm" is nominated for 3 awards on the Two Sides of Twilight forum. I'd love to compete, just so more readers try me. I really need more feedback from people in order to grow as a writer.
Story: Toasty Warm
Categories: Best Breaking Dawn Fanfic, Best Comedy, Best Sex (Lemon)
I need 3 more nominations in these categories in order to take part. Will you please nominate me? Got any friends who might help me too? Here's the link. You just go to it and add a post. It's easy.
So here's your prezzie. Will you give me a gift? Review, and make my day merry.
Chapter 1: Blame It On The Evil Little Pixie. It Saves You from Being Responsible for Your Own Actions
25 days before the wedding
It was all Alice's fault. Everything was her doing. Why should I claim responsibility? I was the favourite son. I was perfect.
It was the Ritalin poster child's fault that we had agreed to this overblown wedding. Bella and I just should have taken that trip to Vegas. It would have saved so much aggravation. But we were scared of the little freak. She had us all walking on eggshells. Had Jasper been a weaker guy, he'd have set himself on fire by now just to escape all the turmoil his wife was creating in the house.
It was even worse at home when Rose was around. She'd been changed at, um, a pug-ugly time of the month and now she had permanent PMS. Forever. Poor Em.
Bella and I got conscripted earlier in the day into posing for lewd photos for the Engagement Announcement. Alice's fault. The Pixie demanded that we pretend to make love 7 different ways, and then she took pictures from provocative angles. How could a perpetually horny 17 year old body refuse? The challenge Alice issued was irresistible, factoring in the minxy dress Bella had on. Who could blame me? It was a boner. Uh, a no-brainer. Oh. Same difference.
While The Pixie and The Eternal Bee-yotch were sniping over the photos, deciding which ones to feed to the grapevine, Bella and I spruced off. We had to get rid of some angst. Carlisle wasn't the only one who liked to play doctor in the woods. 'Course, Bella and I couldn't go very far. Having a girlfriend who passed out whenever I breathed on her too hard really put a damper on the festivities. It was a real turn off whenever I groped her and she needed CPR. And I always had to decide how long I could persist before I stopped her heart permanently. Unlike Eric Yorkie, I had no interest in necrophilia.
After electrifying our systems long enough to get a lasting buzz, Bella and I returned to the house. We got there just in time to see Em rescue Jazz. The big lug was carrying my brother-in-law over his shoulder, out into the woods. Jazz was screaming and clutching his head. Not a good sign. It seemed the females had finally driven him around the bend. Emo.
Bella and I stopped and looked at each other like deer on the menu. We were in the soup. I could have heard Thing One and Thing Two's mental shouting from miles away, had I been paying attention. My mate was so delectably distracting that I didn't always listen for trouble.
"Better face the music," I sighed.
"What do you call that kind of music? Schönberg?" Bella responded sarcastically.
The front door crashed open and smashed into a million tiny, tinkly bits. Esme was gonna be pissed. Bella hid behind me, and I flinched. Four-foot- nothing demented fairy makes six-foot-two depraved virgin flinch.
"Where the fuck have you been?!" The Pixie demanded at the top of her lungs. "Do you ingrates appreciate all the hard work I'm doing for you? The least you could do is stick around and choose the ..." Alice paused and gave a sniff, turning down the volume. "Have you been screwing?"
Had I been capable, I would have been bright red. "No, Boss. You know we can't do that. I would probably break Bella like a wishbone. She's fragile as a soap bubble, you know." And thanks for pointing out that I am totally cock-blocked. Makes me feel so masculine.
"Alice? You know, this big, fancy wedding was your idea, so if it's too much for you then Edward and I can go to Vegas instead," Bella suggested hopefully, blinking rapidly as she always did when confronting Bridesmaidzilla. It was as though Bella were afraid she was about to become lunch. No worries about that. I'd assist Alice into the chipper-shredder if she so much as licked her lip.
I perked up immediately. Vegas: No more consultations about black tie versus morning suits. And I'd get to mambo with Bella that much sooner. Horizontally. Sign me up.
"Bella! How could you even suggest such a thing? You don't love me. Nobody does. I'm going to go pitch myself into a volcano." Alice put a hand to her tortured brow and sobbed melodramatically. Manipulative mini drama queen.
"Oh, cut it out Alice! You know I won't spoil your fun. You are such a bitch sometimes. Don't you know Edward and I are perpetually frustrated? How would you like it if your heart stopped every time you got close to seeing the white light?"
"PMS, much?" the pixie snarled.
"No, that would be Rose," I corrected quietly,
"Spruce off, Edward. Why don't you go impale yourself on a stake?" snarled the aforementioned blond she-devil.
"Okay! I'll clear out, but I'm taking Bella with me. Bella hasn't eaten today. I'm starting to think she's anorexic. I need to go feed her some people-food. I don't want her being all 'skin and bones' forever. And I think I'll wax her legs too. If I think she can tolerate it, I might even give her a Brazilian. I don't want her to be eternally hairy like you. "
"Apologize or I'll suck your girlfriend dry." Rose eyed me beadily.
"In what way?" I said archly.
"Ewww," said Bella, wrinkling her nose at Rosalie and smacking my arm. All that garnered her was a sore hand. One should never strike a marble Adonis.
"What do you mean, 'ew'?" Rose demanded. "I'll have you know that I am the gorgeous-est, awesome-mostest hottie on the planet. Just ask Emmy Bear." Rose preened herself in the back of a teaspoon.
Bella hid behind my back. Her voice was a little muffled as she said, "Well, I'm not into that stuff. If I were, I'm sure I'd find you an awesome...uh...whatever ...hottie. But I'm so straight a carpenter could use me to measure crap."
"You keep your nasty paws off my Emmy Bear. He's not measuring anything with you." Rose growled, twirling her hair. Bella whimpered. In a bad way. Fuck. Carlisle originally thought I could bond with Rose? Not. Even. Funny.
Speaking of whom...
Carlisle came stomping into the room, attired in black leather pants and a dog collar. "Would you little shits kindly stop bickering and shut the hell up? I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it. Your mother and I are trying to have sex. And you are not helping my dick stay hard. I'm old, you know?! Fuckers." Carlisle snatched the pile of photos from Alice and thrust them into my arms.
"Don't be a pantywaist, Edward. Just pick one of the damn things so Alice shuts up. And then, go away. Go feed the human or something." Carlisle pounded away and then his bedroom door slammed. I looked down at the photos, and began sorting through them.
Boing! Instant swollen member. These were more effective than Viagra. Or so I imagined. Oh, yeah... Mr Ed liked Bedward porn. But shit, Charlie wouldn't. And we were trying not to rock that leaky boat because we were almost as afraid of him as we were of Alice.
I took a deep breath and prepared for total global annihilation. I set a stern eye on The Pixie. "Alice, you know these will freak Charlie out. We'll have to take a different one. A chaste one. Let's do it tomorrow."
"Nooooo," Alice wailed. "No fair. I need it done today so I can run it in tomorrow's paper in all 50 states, and the deadline is midnight. You're such a bluenose, Edward!" She sniffled and pouted until her eyes started to cross.
Vegas was looking better by the second...
"I Saw that, Edward Cullen! If you elope, I will tell Charlie you've been sleeping with Bella almost every night since 2003!"
"Men call every woman who asserts herself a bitch. I'll take it as a compliment."
"At least Bella will never get that compliment. She hardly ever asserts herself. Except when it comes to preventing me from doing the right thing and leaving her human. My Bella is very accommodating. That's why we haven't done the dirty yet, you know. My resistance would crumble pretty quickly if she crooked her baby finger and said 'please', but she never does."
Crap. Bella was too smart. She was filing that nugget away for future reference. How would I follow through if she called me on my claim?
I guessed we'd just have to Do It pretty fast, before Bella's heart stopped for too long to enable resuscitation. But I was a vampire. A perpetual 17 year old degenerate. I didn't think shooting my load quickly would be a problem. At least not for me.
Hey, I'd promised Bella we'd have sex, not that it would be good sex.
The Evil Pixie's eyes blanked out. Swell. That was never good news. Suddenly, Bella's phone buzzed. "I don't think you should go out on this date with Bella tomorrow, Edward. It will not be relaxing," Alice dictated.
I ignored her.
Bella picked up. "Hello? Oh, hi Ang. How are you?" After the small talk, I heard Ang suggest a double date to a matinee the next afternoon. I nodded enthusiastically. No Bridesmaidzilla tomorrow. And what could be more stressful than her? The Pixie was feeding us a load of bull to keep us under her thumb.
Bella accepted the invitation, looking cheerful. It made me feel positively perky. We'd spend the whole afternoon in a nice, dark, quiet theatre. Grrr. What could be better than that?
"You'll be sorreeee!" Alice sang smugly.
"I doubt it," I responded.
"Your funeral, Mr. Arrogant. Go ahead, then. I'll just say 'I told you so' later."
I rolled my eyes and shut my mind. "Whatever. I'm taking Bella home. Hopefully there's food in her fridge."
"Nope. And don't feed her cheeseburgers."
"I had steak and cobbler in mind, actually."
"That's not much better. She's gonna be the size of a walrus if you keep it up."
I looked at Bella and rolled my eyes again. What a gas. Like I could ever convince her to eat that much. I was serious about the anorexia.
"Yeah, right, sister. That sounds plausible."
Rose interrupted, "Do you two ever notice that you talk about Bella in front of her, like she's not here? It's sorta rude, you know." Bella crossed her arms and looked from me to Alice and back again.
"Well, I have to make decisions for her. She's a lot younger than me and she's a danger magnet," I protested. Bella shrugged placidly and went back to chewing her fingernails. I wondered if she'd let me bite them for her. That would be minxy. I eyed her with my tongue hanging out.
"Get a room!" Rose the Cat spit at me.
"Good idea. See you later, sisters." I grabbed Bella and carried her out to the car. I didn't want her burning calories by walking excessively. If she were going to burn calories, there were better ways to do it.
Little did I imagine that the things Alice foresaw would make so much trouble. See, it was always her fault. I swear.