Welcome the the ridiculous antics of Hagane Kotetsu and Kamizuki Izumo!
I love these two, so I will be randomly creating oneshots of their amazingly idiotic ideas. That's not to say there won't be serious ones too, but I rather enjoy their silly side!
These are not yaoi pairings, so if that's what you're looking for...sorry :(
With that said, please enjoy the stories of a day in the life of these two! Some of these, of course, will be funnier the others.
Happy Reading! Thanks for reading/reviewing!
Izumo's head slowly fell forward as he drifted off for the thousandth time that day. He had given up fighting the boredom hours ago. Kotetsu snored as his face rested against the surface of the large table that spanned the length of their meager guard booth. As Izumo's chin lowered to touch his chest, the awkward angle forced his head to jerk upright—his eyes flying open.
"I'm awake!" he looked around, suddenly confused about where he was.
Kotetsu's snoring was a blaring reminder. Another day in the life of the Fifth Hokage's Assistant.
"Oh, yeah.....like that.." Kotetsu murmured in his sleep.
"Great," Izumo muttered, rubbing his eyes. It was peacefully silent at the Front Gate, as was usual for the Hidden Village.
Izumo inwardly groaned. Not this again! And was Kotetsu drooling on the table? A closer look was all he needed to confirm it. It was most definitely Kotetsu's mouth juice.
He slowly reached into the pocket of his flak jacket, removing a tiny scroll. In a flurry of quick hand movements, he summoned his camera. He had kept it for moments like these. In fact, he had about one hundred priceless photos of Kotetsu in various, and often inappropriate, situations. He smiled mischievously to himself, awaiting for the day when he could reveal those photos to the rest of the village, most likely after Kotetsu does something to royally piss him off...
He had forgotten to turn off the flash. He hid the camera under the table, waiting to see if the bright light would awaken his friend. When he thought it was safe, he brought the camera back up to his eye. Kotetsu was now smiling from ear to ear, drool dripping down his chin at an odd angle and pooling around the side of his face that was flattened against the table.
"No, not like that!" he groggily instructed his invisible counterpart. "Yeah..in your mouth...."
"You perverted son of a bitch," Izumo muttered, the smile still on his face as he focused his shot.
This time, Kotetsu flew upright, the confusion evident in his eyes as he looked around frantically.
"What the hell--" he roared.
The force of his sudden movement was enough to knock him backward, sending him toppling from his chair. Izumo nimbly returned the camera to the scroll, neatly tucking it back into his pocket. Kotetsu's hand slapped the table, landing in his own pool of spit as he tried to pull himself upright. His grip failed, and he fell backward for a second time.
"Motherfuckerassballsdouchebag!" he cried as he felt every bone in his body connect with the ground—and that was only after his head hit the far wall. For the second time. Izumo howled with laughter at the look on his friend's face.
"What's so goddamn funny?" Kotetsu shot back angrily, as he brought himself onto his knees. He peered warily at the clear liquid that spread across the table surface.
"Did you splooge on the table? Did I just stick my fucking hand in your jizz?" he suspiciously glared at the foreign fluid.
"N-no!" Izumo waved, tears running down his face. "Y-you were drooling in your sleep."
Kotetsu suspiciously stared at the pool of saliva. "I don't believe you," he said, rubbing the large knot that was forming on his head. Maybe he did fall asleep....
"I swear! You were being lazy again, and you feel asleep." Izumo wiped the tears from his face. "You were even talking in your sleep."
"Talkin' in my sleep?" he rubbed the tender spot, his head finally clearing. "Me? That doesn't sound like me." He glared at his friend between quick glances at the clear liquid.
"You were!" Izumo pointed at the spot where his head was resting. "You were saying some dirty shit about 'sticking it in your mouth'!" His face reddened slightly at having to repeat the questionable words that Kotetsu had so willingly shared in his sleep.
"Oh..." Kotestu muttered. "Oh," his eyes widened at the memory. "Yeah..that does sound like me," he grinned. "Dammit, why did I wake up? It was starting to get good!"
"I have no idea," Izumo shook his head. But I have pictures. Lots of pictures, you lazy bastard!
Kotetsu pulled himself onto his chair, staring at his own pool of drool. He poked it with a wary finger, before a grin spread across his face. "This is gross. If I had a chick stay over and I pull this shit--"
"Eh, your chances of getting laid are pretty much non-existent," Izumo shot back.
"More than yours!" Kotetsu pouted.
Izumo cringed. He had a point. Neither had much of a life. They only served the Hokage's needs. Other than that, they sat at this miserable gate, waiting for something—anything--to happen. Some days, he felt guilty for wishing that Sound or Mist would attack, just so they escape the personal hell that was their job.
Kotetsu's stomach growled. "Aww, man, I'm hungry!" he patted his stomach. "How much longer til dinner?"
"Three?" he howled. "This job is such a waste of my life! I won't last three hours without food!"
"Quit your bitching. There's nothing more prestigious than being the protectors of this village." Izumo closed his eyes. His head was beginning to ache from Kotetsu's whining. This, too, was becoming a daily nuisance.
"What kind of protection are we offering?" he waved at the quiet scene before them. "No one has come in or out of the village in almost two days! It's a damned joke! We do nothing! We are Big Boobs' lap dogs!"
Again, he had a point, but Izumo wasn't about to share that. "Have a little more pride in our positions. And don't talk about the Hokage like that!" he snapped.
"What bit you in the ass?" Kotetsu grumbled as his lower lip jutted out. Sudden realization flashed across his face as he patted the front pocket of his flak jacket.
"Yessss!" he grinned as he reached inside and pulled out a crumpled parcel. Crumbs fell onto his lap as he did so. An unrecognizable lump sat in the middle of the package.
Izumo eyed it with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. The smell that was wafting from it was making his stomach turn. "What is that?"
"This," Kotetsu picked up the smelly lump, his grin spreading wider, "is my snack!" With that, he shoved the entire thing in his mouth, chewing enthusiastically.
"How long has it been in there?" He knew he shouldn't have asked, but he couldn't help it. He was almost positive that it had mold on it...
"A couple weeks," he shrugged. "I can't even remember...."
That was enough to elicit a gag from Izumo. Kotetsu watched him with curiosity. "You alright? You want some?"
"Shut up!" Izumo snapped as he retched. He tried to control his thoughts, praying the stench from whatever Kotetsu was eating would disappear. "Get that," he pointed to the wrapper, "away from me!"
Kotetsu looked between Izumo and the paper, before balling the paper up and throwing it into the clearing in front of the Guard's Booth. "Better?"
"Much," Izumo swallowed a few times, pushing the bile back into his stomach. "Was there meat in that?"
"I hope you get the shits." Izumo shook his head in disgust.
"I hope you get the shits!"
Izumo didn't react to the prompt, instead watching as Naruto headed their way. Both men looked at one another, shrugging in unison before standing.
"Naruto!" Izumo called.
"What's up?" Kotetsu smiled, wiping the last of his snack off of his face.
"Hey guys," Naruto answered.
"Whatcha doin' out here? Somethin' happen?" Kotetsu spoke first.
"No...uh," the blonde scratched his head. "I-I just needed advice..."
Kotetsu's chest puffed out. "Well, you've come to the right place!" he jerked his thumb toward himself.
Naruto smiled, happy for the reassurance. "So, uh...er, do you guys, uh," his face started to turn pink as he nervously scratched the back of his neck, "knowhowtodance?"
"What was that?" Izumo leaned closer, not sure he had heard him correctly.
"The boy wants to know how to dance." Kotesu told Izumo matter-of-factly as he momentarily widened his eyes. Play along! he silently relayed the message.
"Yeah," Naruto's eyes remained focused on the ground. "Some of us are getting together tonight at the local hangout. You know, typical Saturday night..." he trailed off, meeting their gaze.
"We know," Kotetsu nodded. "A little alcohol. A little dancing. A little fun."
"Yeah, well, Sai informed me that people often dance when they go out to bars," Naruto sighed. "I-I just don't know how to! And I don't want to look like an ass in front of Sakura-chan!"
The two assistants looked at one another, a slight grin spreading across their faces.
"So, a girl's involved, eh?" Kotetsu drawled, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting on the table.
Izumo suppressed a snort as Kotetsu's eyes widened when he felt the cold wetness that seeped through his pants. He had obviously forgotten about the gallon of spit he graced the table with. Kotetsu mustered his most serious face as Naruto spoke.
"Well...uh, I just don't want to look stupid! I didn't even know dancing was a part of this stuff! Stupid dick-head Sai and his books!" he whined.
"So, you've never been out for a few drinks before, huh?" Izumo had put on his Executive Face—as Kotetsu called it.
Naruto shook his head. "Since you guys are old, I thought that maybe you had experience with this stuff."
Out of the corner of his eye, Izumo could see the vein in Kotetsu's forehead swell. He quickly decided that he would do the talking. "Well, you came to the right place!" he smiled.
"Really?" Naruto's eyes lit up with his appreciation.
Kotetsu nodded, "Damn straight!" He leaped over the table, landing a foot in front of Naruto. He put his hand on the Sage's shoulder, steering him into the village.
"Dammit, Kotetsu! You're not leaving me here alone with this job! Quit avoiding your duty!" Izumo yelled. Suddenly, a Shadow Clone was seated next to him.
"Problem fixed," Kotetsu called over his shoulder, as Izumo's mouth dropped open.
"Oh now you don't," he growled, as he, too, filled his seat with a clone of his own.
He caught up as Kotetsu began teaching Naruto the basics of dancing. "The first one I'm going to teach you," he winked at Izumo over his shoulder, "is called 'The Shopping Cart'....."
Izumo and Kotetsu were in much better moods for the remainder of their time at the front gate. They had spent an hour teaching Naruto how to dance. The Lawnmower. The Shopping Cart. The Sprinkler. The Running Man.
"I can't believe you taught him The Cabbage Patch!" Kotetsu wiped a tear from his eye. "That one's a classic!"
"Well, I can't wait to see what happens when he does The Fishing Pole!" Izumo pointed out, shaking his head.
"Was it mean that I told him any girl would be flattered to be his catch?"
"Maybe a little," Izumo agreed.
"Oh man, Sakura is going to kick his ass!" Kotetsu slapped his thigh. "It was just too easy! I-I-I couldn't help it! Oh man, I hope he does the fuckin' Robot!"
Suddenly, his face grew serious. "What are you doing later?"
Izumo thought for a few moments. He was going to practice his calligraphy tonight, maybe write a letter to his mother, but other than that....
"No plans." His face turned red from the thought. Gods, he truly was pathetic.
Kotetsu nodded, "Good, put off jacking off until tomorrow, because we are going out tonight. We have to see Naruto put these moves to good use. Have to."
They showed up in their work uniforms, weaving through the thick crowd and finding the table of Chunin and Naruto. The handful of bottles in front of Naruto told them that he had taken their advice to only dance once he was good and sloshed. Kotetsu grinned at Izumo, before giving Naruto a thumbs up. The music was loud, so he avoided yelling at Naruto over the table.
"You're still wearing that ridiculous rag over your face," came the drawling voice. Kotetsu turned to find Shikamaru standing there, slowly drinking his beer.
"Nara! You're still being as fucking emo as ever!" he slapped Shikamaru on his shoulder.
"Emo?" he echoed. "Nah, too much trouble for me." He brought the bottle up to his lips, glancing at Naruto.
"I take it you had something to do with that?" he nodded toward Naruto, who was slowly drinking himself in to oblivion. "I saw you two with him earlier," Shikamaru continued. "It was easy to deduce."
"Congratulations, you win for espionage," Izumo countered.
"Yeah, you'll get your shitty ass cookie later!" Kotetsu leaned forward, his mouth close to Shikamaru's ear as he continued, "If you ruin this, Nara, I swear I'll tell the whole village that you sleep with a pair of Temari's underwear under your pillow. Imagine how she'll react to that rumor. Word travels fast to Sand."
Shikamaru brought the bottle to his mouth and took a large gulp. "Do as you wish, I don't give a damn." The slight tinge to his cheeks were enough to make Kotetsu content.
"Plan is a go," he grinned at Izumo.
"What did you say to him?" Izumo peered at Shikamaru over Kotetsu's shoulder.
"Long story," he shook his head. "Just needed to shut him up."
The two rounded the table, giving out high-fives and greeting the younger shinobi. They each took a seat next to Naruto, who was obviously on his way to an Ultimate Hangover.
"Izumo! Kotetsu! You two," he put an arm around each of their shoulders, "are freakin' awesome!" He was grinning from ear-to-ear.
"Yeah, why don't you wait for the praise until after you shred the dance floor with your sweet dance moves," Kotetsu prompted.
"Oh, man, I can't begin to thank you enough for earlier," his cheeks were red from the alcohol.
"No need to thank us. It was the least we could do," Izumo chimed in.
"Well, you two rock! I'll have to take you out for ramen. If you ever need anything--"
"Please, Naruto! You're making me blush!" Kotetsu fanned his face, blinking like a school-girl. Izumo rolled his eyes, his friend could be quite the actor when he needed to be.
A new song began to play, and Ino squealed, "It's my favorite band! Sakura! You have to come dance with me!"
She grabbed Sakura's hand and began to drag her to the dance floor. Sakura cast one last glance back over her shoulder toward Naruto, as if begging him for help. Naruto watched them leave over the top of his glass. He tipped his head back, pouring the rest of his drink down his throat. He mostly missed his mouth, instead spilling his alcohol all over the front of his shirt.
"Shit!" he grumbled. "It looked so much cooler in my head!" Naruto looked at the dance floor, squaring his shoulders as he rose from his chair.
"Make sure to emphasize the casting of the line!" Izumo yelled, mimicking with the flick of his wrist.
Naruto grinned, giving the two men a thumbs up before pushing his way to the dance floor. Within a few moments, he had completely disappeared from their line of sight. The two men high-fived one another, sitting back in their chairs.
"The countdown begins," Kotetsu grinned, looking at his wrist.
"You don't own a watch, Kotetsu," Izumo informed him.
"Dammit, you're right," he shook his head in confusion. "I thought I did."
Shikamaru took a seat next to them. Izumo raised an eyebrow in silent question. Shikamaru raised his beer to his mouth, mumbling, "You are setting him up for an epic fail. And I suppose I'm going to watch that train wreck unfold."
Suddenly the loud murmur passed through the crowd. Kotetsu grinned, "'Spose we should see how our boy is doing."
Izumo nodded, as they looked at Shikamaru. "Fine," he groaned as he followed them through the crowd.
"...he's doing The Lawnmower!..."
"...Mwaaah! He's so cool!..."
"...I'm going to dance with him next, bitch!.."
"...is he single?...."
With each comment, Kotetsu and Izumo's confusion grew. These girls couldn't be talking about Naruto could they?
"Excuse me! Hokage's Assistants coming through!" Kotetsu pushed his way to the dance floor in time to see Naruto doing a quick spin while flapping his arms around. On the far side of the dance floor, Lee was attempting to mimic the moves, though no one was paying attention to him.
"Holy hell! He's really doing it!" Izumo guffawed.
"Oh no," Shikamaru groaned. "He's preparing for The Fishing Pole. How troublesome. This is going to end in disaster."
"Yes!" Kotetsu happily hissed.
Sure enough, Naruto pointed to Sakura—who looked around nervously. Ino shook her head, rolling her eyes in distaste. She, obviously, did not enjoy Naruto's dance tactics. Naruto cast the line, pretending to pull it back. Sakura stood there, her face turning red as everyone stared at her. A few 'boo's' rang out.
"Oh man, she's going to beat him. Again." Izumo murmured, feeling slightly sorry for taking advantage of Naruto's naivety. It had only been a week since she had last pummeled him for using his Sexy no Jutsu technique in front of the Hokage.
Before Kotetsu could respond, Sakura suddenly began to jerk forward, as if she were a fish caught by Naruto's line.....
"No. Fucking. Way." Kotetsu breathed.
"Way." Izumo nodded. "Definitely, way."
Suddenly the crowd burst out into cheers—well, everyone except Ino. Sakura blushed furiously as she gently hit Naruto on the shoulder. He grinned, as everyone waited for his next move. Suddenly, his arm jerked upright, followed by the other arm.
"The Robot?" Kotetsu howled. "How did he--"
"Who cares?" Shikamaru shrugged. "It's a staple to all idiotic dance moves."
Idiotic moves or not, the crowed roared with applause, as people began to re-enact Naruto's dance moves.
Kotetsu shook his head, turning from the dance floor. "Man, this was an epic fail. I need a drink."
The three left the dance floor, finding their way back to the table. Izumo waved for the hostess to bring them another round. "Well, that was a waste of my night," he moaned.
"What were you going to do? Jerk it to pictures of the Hokage's breasts while you cry about your pathetic life at the front gates?" Kotetsu shot back.
"Gross," Shikamaru muttered.
"I-I don't own any such pictures!" Izumo waved his hands frantically. He couldn't risk such rumors getting out...
Lee came to the table, slumping down, "Naruto knew all of Sensei's Super Secret Dance Moves, how amazing!"
Kotetsu and Izumo stared at Lee with mild interest. "Of course Might Guy would use those dance moves," Izumo muttered under his breath.
"...His Springtime of Youth is so bright..so strong...." Lee was now speaking to an empty bottle. "He managed to get Sakura-san to fall into his hands, like putty! I must train harder if I am to compete with his total coolness!"
At some point, he managed to pull out what looked like a diary, writing furiously as tears streamed down his face. "Sensei will be disappointed in me!"
The three Chunin ignored his odd ramblings. Any other time, Kotetsu and Izumo would have found it amusing. Naruto came walking back to the table, sweat soaking through his shirt.
He slapped both men on the shoulders, "Thanks again, guys!"
"Don't mention it," Kotetsu murmured darkly.
"No way! I owe you two! Sakura-chan said she'd go on a date with me!" he was beaming.
"Good for you. Really." Kotetsu rolled his eyes. He could care less about anyone's social life.
Naruto grinned. "Oh, and thanks for being giant tools."
"You're wel—what the hell kind of shitty ass thanks is that?" Kotetsu looked up in surprise.
"I'm not that dense," Naruto shrugged. "Especially when no one else is dancing like that. Except Bushy Brows, over there," he nodded his head in Lee's direction.
"I can't believe I let you convince me this was a good idea," Izumo shook his head as he took a swig of his beer.
"Quit being a pansy!" Kotetsu shot back. "We thought he'd be too shit-faced to realize it." Man, did we underestimate him!
Shikamaru snorted into his bottle. His eyes widened as both Izumo and Kotetsu turned toward him, their non-plussed expressions plastered on their faces. He immediately knew he would be the focus of their misguided wrath. He inwardly cringed.
Naruto leaned down between the two Guards, his voice low enough so that only they could hear. "At first, I thought it was because you two were getting old, maybe those dance moves were just out-dated," he conceded. "But, I see that I gave you too much benefit."
A fox-like smile spread across his face, "My original intent, earlier, was to see how easily I could lure you two from your posts."
"Wha?" they asked in unison. The muscle under Izumo's eye began to twitch. Kotetsu knew that wasn't a good thing...
Naruto nodded, "I've probably had a bit too much tonight, so I'll let you in on the secret. Your raises were dependent on how long it took me to get you two away from the gate. The Old Hag sent me to do it in exchange for an extra mission so I could take Sakura-chan out on a proper date. If she said yes, of course." The goofy smile resurfaced on his face.
The two Chunin's jaws fell open in unison. Naruto...testing them?
"Dammit!" Izumo barked, punching Kotetsu in the arm. "You made me lose my raise. Again!"
Kotetsu's mouth was still hanging open in shock as he ignored the physical assault. He had just been bested by a kid? The same kid that used to graffiti the Hokage Monument?
"Wait, you promised us dinner. Ramen!" Kotetsu pointed out. "You won't take dinner back, would you?" he laughed nervously. He could care less if Naruto was angry, the boy promised them food, and Naruto was always good for his word.
"Leave ramen out of this," Naruto's face grew dark. He leaned closer, his grip on their shoulders tightening. "While I do appreciate your help, guys," he growled, alcohol on his breath, "I do owe you one. I'll give you fair warning to not leave your backs turned for too long. I've been meaning to brush up on my One Thousand Years of Death."
"No!" Kotetsu gasped, as Naruto turned to leave them brew in their own misjudgment. "He wouldnt....not that...no one uses that..."
Izumo glared angrily at his friend. "What?" Kotetsu asked, his patience wearing thin. He was already thinking of how to get his hands a hold of steel briefs. Even steel mesh may work...
When Izumo said nothing, Kotetsu sighed, "Don't worry, I don't think he's really going to two-finger salute your no-no hole just yet."
Shikamaru snorted, followed by frantic coughing as he inhaled his drink. Izumo's eyes narrowed at the reminder of Naruto's threat. "You and your stupid ass ideas," he spat.
"It's nothing to cry yourself to sleep over," Kotetsu teased, despite the fact that he kept looking over his shoulder nervously.
Izumo shook his head in disbelief. "Sometimes, I really hate you and your idiotic ideas, Hagane Kotetsu. "