When Magnets Collide With the Sun
Disclaimer: Anything recognisable belongs to the BBC and RTD...I am merely playing with it for a bit...I'll put it back...honest!
A/N: So I'm feeling kinda nostaligic what with the death of Ten (*sniff* *sob*) quickly approaching so I decided to write this little drabble fic about Rose's feelings a year or two after Doomsday and why she agreed to go along with Parallel Torchwood's Dimension Cannon plan. So...um...enjoy, I guess =]
A/N Take Two: Oh yeah, one more thing, when you've finished (hopefully!) enjoying this fic, remember to press the purdy li'l button at the bottom of the page...pretty please with a Time Lord on top?
What happens when all the lights go out? When darkness drifts over the world and the curtains are pulled across your consciousness? Do you give up and give in; accept defeat as gracefully as possible and hope that your cowardice will go unnoticed?
I never expected it to be a decision I would ever have to make. I always thought it was for bigger, more significant people than me; those who glittered across the pages of fairytales. Adventurers, pioneers, white knights; those who were either born into greatness or had greatness thrust upon them. The stuff of legends.
I always assumed that, being tiny, I would never have to make a decision that would alter the course of history but it all changed when I met him. I think he must've been the stuff of fairytales and myths throughout his whole life; the one who always made the difficult choice between life and death; whose life didn't just consist of alarm clocks, work, chips and comfy duvets, but danger, excitement and travel. I always wanted a life like that…
I'm not a romantic, hopeless or otherwise. It's not my style anymore. When I was sixteen and I thought I'd fallen in love, I dropped out of college; decided I didn't need it if I had a stable guy like Jimmy. Fucker. Mind you, Jimmy Stone may have ruined my life in one way; I could never get a real job, I ended up living at home permanently, I didn't dare make things too serious with Mickey, but in other ways he set my life up for much more eye-opening experiences than A-levels and office life. In a way, I suppose Jimmy took me to the stars.
There's so much more to see out there; galaxies, planets, moons, aliens, you name it, they've got it. And I saw it all! The end of the world, the Fourth and Bountiful Human Empire, New New York, black holes, metal ghosts, screaming cages with the coldest blue eyes…the Void. Gone now.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world, all the adventures. It wasn't even about that, really. He didn't just show me all the planets and the stars; he showed me a better way of living your life. You don't just give up; you make a stand, you say no, and you make it right no matter what it costs you. I learnt that the hard way. Even though I'm stuck here, I still can't shake off that nagging feeling that something is missing, 'cept I know what it is…him.
There was a time, once, when we thought that there was no way out, no way back. We were stuck on this…impossible planet, just hanging there, orbiting a black hole. The TARDIS had been lost at the core of the planet and we were just…stuck; destined to spend our days in the Base's laundry unit. I could've survived the monotony as long as I was with him. But here? It's the same thing, day in, day out. The same repetitive routine; alarm clock, work, chips, bed…alarm clock, work, chips, bed…alarm clock, work, chips, bed. All those things that had seemed so natural to me a few years ago scare the life out of me now. I'm scared, I'm so scared.
And I can't sleep.
As soon as my eyes close, I can see him. Right there, right in front of me. He hasn't aged a single day; My Doctor. Still the same brown pinstriped suit, the crazy hair, the manic grin, the boyish face with those ancient eyes…He's screaming for me; those last precious moments with him before I was pulled to my death. It was like separating magnets; one irrefutable force combating another. Rose!
And then I wake up.
Sometimes I'll just buy a plane ticket and fly to Bergen. Open-ended so I know that I can sit on that beach for as long as I need to. Waiting. I don't really know what I'm waiting for; the man who took me away in his magical machine is long gone now and there's no miracle cure for a heart that has been shattered into a million pieces, there is only endurance. Sometimes I imagine that he's suffering as much heartache as me, but that's ridiculous; he has a spare…and I gave him the only one I had.
My thoughts are difficult to reign in sometimes, amongst the pebbles and the powdery white sand. I've seemingly developed an excruciatingly accurate photographic memory. Images flash through my mind; a whitewashed wall…edible ball-bearings…a 1950s moped and discussions of Cliff Richard movies…five and a half hours of torture…his curse…apple grass…new teeth…all the way back to that fateful day when he took my hand and said one word, just one. Run!
There's no tears left for him. It's not because I don't need to cry when I think about him and the fact that I've lost him forever; it's because I cried myself dry that grey morning at Bad Wolf Bay. I have nothing left to give because I gave it all to him. Mum thinks I'm being melodramatic but she doesn't understand; she can't understand. She never will.
That day, we were both there. Me and the Doctor. For the last time. He was right in front of me and I couldn't reach out and touch him! I have never hated my name more than I did that day. And I suppose, if it's my last chance to say it…Rose Tyler…And he was gone. That was it.
But I know that he loved me. Maybe he still does…wherever he is. I'm burning up a sun, just to say goodbye…Is that what Time Lords do if they love someone? Harness the powers of a supernova to let you have those last invaluable moments before your whole existence is ripped apart at the seams?
Well if he can do that to say goodbye to me, maybe I can do something to find him again…
The very first word I ever said to you, trapped in that cellar, surrounded by shop window dummies…oh, such a long time ago. I took your hand, and I said one word, just one. "Run."
And we never stopped. I will never stop.