To: Alyssa Johnson, my best friend in the world!

Key:
A/N=author's note

Italics=thoughts

Underlined=Text messages/conversations

POV=point of view

Summary: Bella wakes up on her honeymoon to see someone she doesn't expect…dun dun duh! (Set during breaking dawn, before she starts throwing up).

This is supposed to be funny, not serious. Just so you know.

Oh No He Didn't

Bella POV

I rolled over, still groggy from sleep. This alone should've surprised me; I shouldn't be able to roll over without Edward being there. I sat up, frowning. The clock read 10:17 in green neon letters.

Sun shone through the fancy French windows, and I blinked, raising my arm to my face to save my vision.

And that was when I saw…..him.

I screeched and toppled off the bed, taking the blue silk sheet with me. That's what you get for surprising a klutz. I was going to have bruises.

"MIKE!!! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!"

Mike Newton's baby face stared back at me with confused eyes.

"Emmett told me to come here. He said you wanted to see me." What an idiot.

Emmett McCarty Cullen you are so dead. I thought to myself, emphasizing each menacing syllable.

"WHAT." I shouted. The Newton kid's eyes widened and I booked it to bathroom, realizing that I hadn't changed out of the purple lacey nightgown Alice gave me.

Alice is now second on the list-of-people-to-kill-once-I'm-a-newborn list.

"Bella! Wait! Emmett said—"Mike started.

I cut him off. "Forget what that IDIOT said!" I screeched back. "You came HERE when I was on my HONEYMOON with EDWARD!!"

I was beyond mad now. Emmett was going to GET IT.

I stared at my face in the mirror. I looked absolutely livid. Good thing Jasper wasn't here. Wait, scratch that. A vampire would be very useful right now. Especially mine. Where is Edward?? The perfectly polished marble counters were cluttered with all my annoying "human moment" things. I can't wait until don't have to worry about that anymore. Now all I needed to find was that cell phone Edward made me buy…

And something to throw at Newton.

Even Jessica Stanley wouldn't have been so stupid as to come all the way to South America just because Emmett told her to interrupt my honeymoon.

Ok, so I wouldn't put it past Jessica either.

I growled unimpressively as I searched through the little blue bag Alice packed me.

Crap. My suitcase was out in the blue room. I could hear Mike knocking on the bathroom door. How did he even find Isle Esme anyway?? Oh, that's right. Emmett probably gave him a detailed description of how to get here. And when he couldn't comprehend that, he would've made him a map.

Wonderful.

"Just go away Mike. Please." I said in a strained voice, pinching the bridge of my nose, a habit I picked up from Edward.

Speaking of my amazing, perfect, late husband…where is he? Hunting?

Success! After a few minutes of annoying knocks and frustrated glares, I found the little silver phone.

"Bella!" Mike yelled through the door.

"What!!" I yelled.

"Um…you looked really hot in that nightgown." Mike stuttered.

"GO AWAY!!"

He was so going to get it now. I thought, grinning evilly to myself as I dialed Edward's cell.

"Hello, love. What's wrong?" I could practically see Edward's smile through the phone.

"Edward" I breathed into the phone happily.

"Where are you?"

"Sorry love, I was out hunting for a bit. Are you all right?"

"Well…you're brother won't be. You won't BELIEVE the prank Emmett came up with."

"Prank??" Mikes whiny voice came from outside the door.

"Yes, Newton a PRANK. Emmett sent you all the way across the world just to annoy me!! And guess what it WORKED. Go be gay somewhere else!!" I yelled. (A/N: hehe. Gay Newton. Remember that, Alyssa?)

"Bella? Did you just say Mike Newton is there?" Edwards's dark velvet voice spoke menacingly through the phone.

"Yes. When will you be back?"

"Now." There was a click, and the line went dead.

I smiled at myself, satisfied. Well, while I'm at it, I might as well send a threatening text to my soon-to-be-dead-brother-in-law.

This was going to be fun. I flipped open the tiny phone and starting typing furiously.

Me: EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN IF YOU WEREN'T DEAD ALREADY I WOULD FLY BACK TO FORKS RIGHT NOW AND KILL YOU MYSELF!!

Not even a few seconds later, the phone buzzed.

Emmett: So, I see you got my surprise wedding gift. Congrats on losing your virginity Bella! By the way, send me pictures of Edward's face when he sees the videos I'm taping as we speak.

This message made me freeze on the bathroom floor. Oh no. No, no, no, no. NO. Emmett is NOT here. No way.

"EDWARD!!" I screamed.

I heard some bashing around in the blue room and Mike's girlish shriek before Edward came bursting through the bathroom door.

"Bella!" Edward said, running at vampire speed so he was at my side in less than a second.
"Edward…" I said in a shaky voice and wide, terrified eyes, showing him the text Emmett sent me.

My breath hitched in my throat when I caught sight of his perfect face. And suddenly, all I wanted was to kiss him. More than ever. Edward looked upward and growled.

My eyes widened when I took in my brother-in-law hanging off the ceiling in a Spider man pose silently laughing his head off. With a video camera.

"JASPER!!" Edward and I yelled in unison.

So that was where that lust was coming from.

Edward POV

Just a couple hours out of the house and my love had already attracted two prank-loving vampires and one very lusty human. She truly was a danger magnet. And all mine.

I felt a growl build up in my chest as I saw my brother hanging from the ceiling in the corner of the shower shaking with laughter. Through his mind I could see the reflection of my face. I was mad. Very, very mad.

Reluctantly untangling Bella's arms from around me, I lunged at Jasper. But just as I was about to do so, Emmett appeared from behind the half-closed shower curtain and tackled me to the floor.

"DON'T!" Emmett screeched. "ESME WILL KILLUS IF WE RUIN HER FURNITURE!"

From my position on the ground I could see Bella blushing five different shades of red, obviously remembering the headboard in the other room. And the feathers that have yet to be cleaned up in the white room.

"Um…" Bella looked down timidly.

Jasper and Emmett just raised an eyebrow. Taking advantage of their shock, I threw Emmett off me proceeded to tackle Jasper to the ground.

"GUYS STOP!" I heard Bella's sweet voice behind me.

She's right Eddiekins. Wouldn't want to damage the shower too much, would we? You guys might want to use that later. Emmett thought to me.

"Shut UP Emmett!" I snarled fiercly. "And DON'T. CALL. ME. EDDIE."

Jasper and Bella just looked at me with quizzical eyes while Emmett just shook the house with silent laughter. And of course, that Newton kid walked in just at the right time. Emmett was shaking on the floor like a 6 year old kid throwing a temper tantrum, Jasper and I were frozen in a mid-tackle, my arm around his neck, his around my legs trying to knock them from under me, and then Bella. Poor, poor Bella. Bella was red-faced on the ground with the cell phone still in her hand and wearing that purple nightgown I love to see her in. Newton, however, did not need to see her in that.

Although, his face was priceless. Newton looked like a little kid who just walked in on his parents.

Out of nowhere, Emmett whipped out a camera and snapped a picture of his face.

"KODAK MOMENT!" he yelled.

Even I couldn't help laughing then. All of us fell over on the floor, clutching our sides and, if it were possible, tears would be streaming down our cheeks. Maybe it was Jasper's fault, but I was laughing too hard to do anything about it. Bella actually was crying from laughing so hard.

Mike blushed even brighter than Bella, which made us all fall over on the floor again.

"Dude…you're more red than Bella that one time we—"

"EMMETT!!!" Bella screeched, snapping out of her laughing fit. She was probably refusing to remember the prank week that left her with several injuries.

Dude, I'll bet you anything she's remembering the prank week…Jasper's voice echoed in my head.

I bit my lip (a habit I picked up from Bella) in trying not to laugh.

As soon as it started, the laughing fit ended. Newton was still standing shocked in the doorway, Bella was still red-faced on the ground. The only difference was that Emmett and Jasper were crouched low in a mock-hunting position while I moved to stand in front of Bella in a protective stance.

Just then, Newton ran out the door yelling "AHHH! The gummy bears are chasing me!!"

Two minutes ago this would've started a new laughing fit, but at the moment I was too enraged to care.

"Care to explain what you're doing here?" I asked my two brothers in a strained voice.

"Well, we had hoped to walk in on you guys with the video camera here—" Emmett started.

I growled.

"But Alice told us not to, because however HILARIOUS that was going to be, she actually had a vision of you ripping us to shreds and scattering pieces of us all over the ocean." Jasper finished for him.

"As if little Eddie here would be able to." Emmett snorted.

I raised an eyebrow.

"But seriously guys, let's take this outside. Little Newt there ran off, so no one will be around to see us sparkle. Plus, a mad Esme is extremely terrifying." Jasper stated.

BPOV

A wide grin stretched over my face. I get to see Edward sparkle again! Hopefully he'll take his shirt off…Jasper looked past Edward and raised an eyebrow at me, sensing my excitement.

Crap.

And of course, I blushed. Jasper and Emmett raced outside to get a head start on Edward, leaving Edward and I in a bathroom. Alone. Right after Jasper decides to send waves of lust through the house. And Emmett's running around with a video camera (while we're supposed to be on our honeymoon).

Stupid, annoying, pranking vampires.