"Fanfiction Court: The Sequel"
Posted with permission of the authors appearing in this story, as to the characters: too bad.
OUR STORY SO FAR: Scared to death that she is about to be drawn and quartered, or worse, by the boysofbarrackstwo's revenge saga, Snooky goes way back into her documents folder, and recycles an old tale she wrote, over the summer, just for fun. HA! TAKE THAT, you guys! Hopefully, the dueling stories will not cancel each other out, or something equally bizarre, and the intrepid Hogan's Heroes fanfiction authors can and will continue to pump out their tales, comedic and tragic, without fear of retribution.
A DISCLAIMER: Hogan's Heroes is owned by Bing Crosby productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Same goes for Night Court. This has not been betaed. All grammatical and punctuation errors are mine.
A QUICK RECAP for those unfamiliar with the trials… Last winter, the characters became totally fed-up with all of the angst, torture, injuries, etc, and so forth, and managed to use other fanfiction characters to assist them in bringing us, the authors, to justice. The saga started with hearings set up to determine if there was enough evidence to bring us to trial. The hearings were presided over by Judge Harry Stone of Night Court. Attorneys: Perry Mason for the defense; Will Riker of Star Trek:TNG for the prosecution. (See Fanfic Court by, yours truly). Unbelievably, they found for the prosecution and a short while later the trial began, with the authors providing their own testimony. (See Fanfic Court: the trial) There were three separate postings, handled by myself and Bits and Pieces. The last seven chapters are crucial to this sequel.
ONE MORE THING: This is a bit outdated. In Oboe's "Executions" Hogan's family had just been notified of his death, ColHogan's "Addiction" was still being posted and Bits and Pieces was in the middle of doing unspeakable things to Newkirk (Nightmares). I had recently posted my alternate ending to "Out the Front Gates," where I killed off (again…) our main character, and poor Olsen was just getting over being shot in a Star Trek crossover, when I walloped him again in the first few chapters of "The Outside Man." Don't worry, I'll finish it.
And here we go….
Denise, Janet and Susan were in shock and momentarily speechless after the three simultaneously appeared in Judge Stone's chambers. "Oh, crap," were the first words out of Susan's mouth as she regained her bearings.
"Did you two have to sign for a certified letter?" Janet asked.
Both Denise and Susan nodded their heads.
"Ladies." Harry was seated behind his desk, trying to look sternly at the three women standing in front of him.
"I thought we fixed things," Denise whispered.
"Apparently, something went wrong," Susan guessed. "Judge, what are we doing here?" she demanded.
"Tampering. Jury tampering. Witness tampering. Tampering with testimony. Every definition of tampering that exists, plus some we've never heard before. You three," he pointed, "have done it."
All three women began to protest.
"Don't deny it!" He said sharply. "Didn't you three understand that nothing on a computer is ever truly deleted? Well?"
"But, but…" Janet began to stammer.
"There's been a glitch," Harry continued.
"A glitch? What do you mean a glitch?" Denise asked with a sense of dread.
"Bull!" Harry yelled.
"Yes, Judge?" Bull was standing by the judge before Harry had a chance to look. Harry jumped.
"Bull, don't scare me like that."
"Sorry," Bull pouted.
"Are they here?" The bailiff nodded. "Good, send them in."
"Righto." Bull opened the door. "Gentlemen, please come in."
"Oh, good God!" Susan began to back up as Hogan, Newkirk, Olsen and Wilson entered the room. The rest of Hogan's team soon followed.
"There's only three, Judge. Where's the rest?" Hogan asked.
"Still working on it, Colonel. But these are the three that played…"
"Played around with the trial and our memories. " Hogan walked over to the three now somewhat nervous women and glared.
"And then continue to torment us, sir." Olsen reminded him.
"Good to see you again, Robert," Denise said.
"The feeling is not mutual!" he replied.
"You all look okay." Janet put in her two cents.
Susan, meanwhile, was looking for a place to hide.
"No thanks to you." Newkirk walked over to Janet. "How could you?"
"You should've seen them last week." Harry shuddered at the memory. "They were all a wreck. We had to call in the geek squad."
"Oh, good grief," Susan piped up. "What are you all made up of… zeros and ones?"
"No, missy," Hogan walked up to her.
Boy, he's really angry, she thought. Just like the first time Carter played Hitler, but worse. It scared her a bit.
"No, we're flesh and blood, like you. And you know what? We hurt, we bleed, we have emotions, and memories. And you said you were sorry."
"Meaningless," LeBeau sniffed.
"She never meant it!" Olsen shouted. "Look what she's done."
"Hold it." Harry stopped everyone in their tracks. "We're all going to discuss this, outside, in the courtroom, where we have the room, like civilized human beings."
"I want my lawyer." Janet looked like she was ready to cry.
"No lawyers this time." Hogan said. "It's you and us."
"Wait," Susan broke in. "We're entitled to a lawyer. Are we on trial? We haven't been charged. What about habeas corpus? Really, judge, this isn't constitutional."
"Yeah, what she said." Denise added.
"Ladies, when you tampered with the last trial, you did enough damage. I don't think you deserve council and besides," Harry said, "this is my universe, not yours! Now, out. March."
The women meekly followed Bull out into the courtroom and sat down in the first row. They all looked at each other.
"I told you both it was a bad idea," Susan hissed.
"We can't do anything about it now." But even Denise was taken aback by Hogan's anger.
"I want the other one here, Harry. The one named after the instrument. You promised."
"We're working on it." Harry tried to placate him. "It'll take time to find her. She's in Canada."
"Must be Oboe," Janet whispered.
"Yup. I'm sure he's not happy with her." Denise muttered as she mulled over the possibility that Hogan was most likely furious with her and her latest angst-ridden tome.
"Oh, we're still looking for the Swedish woman, sir. She encouraged these three." Bull reminded the judge.
"Oh, yeah," Hogan said. "Her. Left us hanging with a revenge story. So much for payback," he complained.
"Revenge?" The three women laughed nervously.
"Never mind," Hogan hastily added. "You," he pointed at Susan. "Get up here and sit!"
"Judge, he can't order me around! I'm a civilian!" Susan argued.
"Not here. Do as he says!" Harry glared and tried to look scary, but failed. It just wouldn't work with his character. He grabbed a yo-yo and plopped his feet on the desk. "Go ahead, Colonel, be my guest!"
"This is a travesty," Janet again protested.
"Oh, don't worry, you're next," Newkirk smirked.
"Sir, can I go first?" Olsen popped up.
"Oh, sure." Hogan sat back down, and let his outside man take over.
"You know, Mrs. Rubinstein."
"Hey. How do you know my last name?"
"The gazette," he replied. "Listen, I was perfectly happy having no background, but then you had to really mess things up, didn't you?"
"Shut up, I'm not done."
"Young man," Susan was incensed, "there's no need to be rude."
"Hey, he has every right, lady!" Carter shouted.
"You… You. Oh I can't do it." Olsen shuddered.
"Go on, mate." Newkirk offered him encouragement. "I got your blanket here if you need it."
The other women giggled.
"You two would need more than a blanket if you've been through what I've been through," Olsen admonished them. "You gave me survivors' guilt; then had me shot to pieces and almost killed and now you're trying to explain my character by giving me chapter after chapter of angst. How could you?"
"You mess with my men, Susan, you're messing with me!" Hogan popped up and yelled. "Oh and furthermore, I take back my kiss!"
"I….I." Susan stammered. "Well, at the time, I..."
"No excuse." Wilson broke his silence. He had been sitting on a bench, arms folded, silently fuming. He stood up, walked over to Olsen and asked, "May I?"
"Be my guest." Olsen, who looked as if he was about to cry, sat back down.
Wilson walked over to the witness chair, stared at the author and said, "You're evil."
"Hey, I am not evil," Susan told the extra. "I just like to write."
"No, she's evil." The other men agreed.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to bring this up." Wilson looked at Hogan.
"It's okay, go ahead." Hogan steadied himself.
"In the story where you shot Olsen, you also clobbered the colonel, didn't you?"
"Yes, but they got better."
"Hey, that's my excuse!" Denise shouted.
"And a really pathetic one," the judge countered.
"I thought we had this all settled." Susan looked at her two cohorts for help or advice. They had none. "And aren't you supposed to be impartial?" She asked Harry.
"Not in this case," he said as he walked the dog with his yo-yo.
"Oy vey is mir." Susan was developing a migraine.
"Yeah," Wilson continued. "That story, while amusing in some parts, was bad enough."
"'Hey, Wilson! Don't forget what they put you through."
"True," he said. "I didn't get hurt, but… You had to post it, didn't you?"
"Post what?" Susan said nervously.
"You know what! The AU?" Wilson said.
"AU? My college alma mater? American University?"
"Hey, did you go there?" Harry asked. "I know someone…"
"Harry, focus," Hogan ordered.
"Sorry," the judge said. "I know the story. For shame." He drew out the words. "Wilson, I think you meant alternate ending, not alternate universe."
Immediately all the men started tearing up. Carter began to sob. Harry reached for his Kleenex. Even Denise and Janet started wiping their eyes.
"Honk." Kinch was blowing his nose. Everyone looked at him. "Sorry," he said.
The colonel just sat there and kept rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Why me?" he muttered, and then he sighed, a sigh so plaintive and pathetic that even Susan leaned over and asked, "Are you all right?"
" You try dying in your sleep on the truck on your way out of Germany and ask yourself if you're all right. You could've at least had me throw myself on a grenade or something else that was heroic, for Pete's sake." Hogan took out a handkerchief and wiped his eyes.
"Sorry?" Susan realized that it appeared it was the only thing she knew how to say. "Oh, wait. I did give you an heroic…never mind."
"You had to drag out the agony, didn't you?" Wilson decided to continue his inquisition. "Well, didn't you?"
"Yes! Yes I did. They encouraged me!" She pointed at Denise and Janet. "And some others did, too. It was only supposed to be a couple of paragraphs and not even posted. But since I put in all that work... I thought it was good, too!"
"Oh, get her out of here, Judge. I can't even stand to look at her." Wilson turned around.
"This is an outrage," Susan stated as she stepped down.
"Janet, you're next." Harry pointed.
"I want to know what was that glitch that you spoke of?" Janet assumed the three of them had fixed everything.
"Go ahead, Newkirk. You tell them. You found it." Hogan slammed down in his seat and pulled his crush cap over his eyes.
"All right, guv'nor." The corporal glared at Janet. "It was like this. I had a broken arm and I had been sick, you see. Well, I was bored, so I started cleaning 'round the radio room. I was a bit clumsy with the cast and bumped into a box and well, it popped open and guess what I found?"
"What?" All three women asked.
"A device and a stack of paper."
"Show them the device, corporal." Harry said. The corporal pulled something out of his pocket.
"That looks like a flash drive," Janet said.
"What would they be doing with a flash drive?" Susan asked.
"Is that what it's called?" Harry held out his hand and took the device. "Cool."
"Tell 'em what was on the paper, Newkirk," Hogan mumbled.
"Names, passwords and something called e-mail addresses."
"So what?" Denise asked. "You don't have computers."
"Oh, that wasn't all." Hogan took off his cap and got up. "There were printouts of stories."
"How did you get those? Where did they get those, Judge?" Susan turned to Harry.
"No clue. But apparently seeing these printouts, the dohickey and those passwords jumpstarted their memories and presto! Here we are!"
"You three wrote a story and made me withdraw the charges. I had no control over what I was doing, no control over my decisions. You made me a puppet," Hogan complained.
"That wasn't nice, not at all." Harry shook his head.
"Bad form," Carter added.
"And then, you had me run from a bunch of cartoon characters! Like I would run from cartoon characters. Really." Hogan sat back down in a huff.
"Let's get to the point," Harry said. "They remember everything again. You three fiddled with justice. And… You're still abusing these guys." Harry's yo-yo got tangled. He extricated himself and put it down. Any who. Janet. Up here."
Janet reluctantly took the witness chair. She expected Newkirk to take his shot at her, but it was Carter who stepped forward.
"Ma'am, how could you do that to my buddy?" He was speaking so softly, the rest of the spectators had to strain to hear.
The fact that Carter wasn't yelling made the whole scene more emotional for everyone. Janet was speechless.
Carter repeated the question.
"I really don't have a good answer to your question," Janet said. "But, I'm sorry?"
"Love means never having to say you're sorry," Harry said thoughtfully, although he really couldn't figure out how a quote from "Love Story" fit into this scenario. Neither could anyone else.
"You always hurt the one you love," Denise stated matter of factly.
That comment made Kinch stand up. He ordered Janet to sit down and requested that Denise take the witness chair. Denise was a bit afraid of Kinch, although she would not admit it. She thought for sure she could handle Hogan, but the sergeant seemed so calm and collected, his demeanor threw her off.
"You seem to like that quote, Ms. Edwards," Kinch commented. "You must love Colonel Hogan very much considering the crap you put him through in all of your stories."
"Yes, that's true," Denise admitted. "But he always ends up okay in the end."
"Why don't we shoot her?" Lebeau suggested. "And see how she likes it."
"I'm sure it'll be fine, if she survives. After all, she should be all better afterwards." That was Olsen's suggestion.
"No violence in my courtroom please," Harry said.
"You wouldn't shoot, anyway." Denise was sure about that.
"Try me." Lebeau glared at her.
Strangely, Hogan did not chastise any of his men, something that both Susan and Janet noticed. Janet whispered to Susan, "Hogan just doesn't seem to be like he was on television, does he?"
Kinch went back to Denise. "You have a pet, don't you?"
"Yes," Denise replied. "I have a cat."
"Would you hurt your cat?" Kinch asked.
"Of course not."
"You love your cat, but you wouldn't hurt it."
"Yes, but… "" Denise was smart enough to see where this was heading, but she couldn't figure out how to extricate herself from the trap.
"You always hurt the one you love," Kinch responded. "Ha!"
"Nasty." Susan never thought that was an excuse for all the pummeling Hogan had endured through Denise's stories, as well as some others. But on the other hand… "That's low, bringing up Denise's pet." Sue whispered to Janet, who agreed.
Denise, who was now beside herself, tried to turn the tables and make Hogan feel guilty. "Rob," she blurted out. "What about our night together?"
"Orchestrated by the three of you!" he replied. "What are you doing to me anyway?"
"I don't know what you mean," she answered as innocently as she could.
"Oh you know darn well what I mean. Right, men?"
They all nodded and answered in the affirmative. "Experimental drug," Kinch coughed into his hand. The radioman looked at Denise and mouthed the words, "he doesn't know." He then shook his head.
"How's Sergeant Baker doing?" Denise asked sweetly.
"Please, mon colonel, let me shoot her." Lebeau begged.
"No, no." Hogan stood back up. "No more shooting. Harry's right. We're not about violence. We're only doing what's necessary. Besides, I couldn't see that again, no matter how much I despise what these women…" Hogan stopped talking suddenly and took a seat.
"What you mean, colonel, see that again?" Carter asked in a confused voice.
"Colonel Hogan, is there something you're not telling us?" Harry asked.
"What's he talking about?" Denise stepped down from the witness stand and went back to Susan and Janet.
Janet responded, "When Hochstetter shot him. That's how we got the idea to write the end of the trial, Judge. When Hochstetter posted a story and killed the colonel, we thought we could do it as well and end all the trauma by making sure the soldiers wouldn't remember all the stories." Janet realized they couldn't deny what they had done, so she figured an explanation wouldn't hurt.
"You thought Hochstetter wrote that chapter?" Hogan asked.
"Yes, who else would want to kill you?" Susan responded.
"No one," he mumbled.
"Colonel Hogan, is there something you're not telling us?" Harry repeated.