Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. Shocking, ain't it?
Summary: Wolverine asks a favor from Nick Fury…can the Colonel survive what it entails? (Humor)
Author's Note: Yes, I was dropped on my head as a child. Repeatedly.
Feedback and Archiving: I'll love you forever if you do! I'll be your best friend and follow you around everywhere! I'll be like your strange little shadow! (Trust me, it's not that much of a bad thing…) E-mail me at email@example.com or message me on AIM at ChereRogueMarie.
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Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.E.I.L.D.: Adventures in Babysitting
By: Addie Logan
"I'm not sure I can do this, Logan."
"Sure ya can, Nick. It ain't as hard as it seems."
"I don't know. I mean, it's not really my area of expertise."
"C'mon, you can run S.H.I.E.L.D., you can do this."
Nick Fury felt a tiny hand tugging at his pants leg. "Are you gonna stay wif me Unca Nick?"
"C'mon, Fury, how can you say no to that?"
Young Addie Logan stared up and her "Unca Nick" with her huge, saucer-like eyes. "Pweeese?"
Fury wondered how he got himself suckered into these sorts of things. "All right, Logan, fine. I know you and Jubilee really do need some time alone together."
Jubilee walked out from the bedroom, putting on her earrings. Nick had to admit that Logan was a damn lucky man to have her for a wife. "Thank you so much for agreeing to this on such short notice," she said. "Seems like everyone we know was busy tonight, and the last babysitter we had for Addie screamed and hung up the phone for some reason when I called." Jubilee shrugged. "Guess she got hurt or hurt herself or something."
Nick felt something in the pit of his stomach that he could only assume was fear.
"Well, we outta get goin'," Logan said. "Our reservations are at 7:30. Addie's all ready for bed. All ya gotta do is get her to go to sleep."
Nick knew it couldn't be as easy as it sounded. "And how exactly do I do that?" he asked.
"Put on a movie or something for a little bit if you want," Jubilee said. "She usually falls asleep when she's watching television this late in the evening."
Nick nodded. He could stand a little bit of children's programming if that's all it took to get her to sleep.
"There's food and beer in the fridge, if you want," Logan said. "You know where I keep the cigars. Since yer bein' nice and watchin' my kid, you can have one, just don't smoke around Addie."
Addie nodded. "I might die from second-hand smoke," she said very matter-of-factly.
Fury thought Addie was sort of a creepy child.
"Thank you again, Nick," Jubilee said, kissing him on the cheek. "We shouldn't be out too late. I'll have my cell on if you have to call."
"Don't worry about it," Nick said. "I'm sure we'll be fine."
Logan took Jubilee's hand. "All right then. Emergency numbers are on the fridge. We'll see ya later on tonight."
As soon as the door shut behind Wolverine and Jubilee, Fury looked down at Addie. "So, kid, you wanna watch a movie?"
Addie nodded, her eyes somehow even bigger.
Nick led her over to the couch. "All right, sit down and I'll find something for ya to watch." He looked over the video selection, trying to find something that would be fitting for a child. He found a video starring that big purple dinosaur that all children under eight seemed to be crazy about, put it in the VCR, and sat down on the couch.
As soon as the movie started, Addie let out a blood-curdling wail. Nick jumped off the couch. "What's wrong?" he asked, willing his heart to stop beating so quickly.
Addie just continued to scream like a banshee.
"Addie! Kid, calm down. Just tell me what's wrong!"
The scream abruptly stopped and her eyes got huge again. "I'm scared, Unca Nick."
"Scared of what?"
She pointed to the dinosaur, her overly-large eyes filled with fear.
"You're afraid of Barney?"
She nodded. "Smart kid," Nick muttered. "All right, what would you rather watch?"
Addie grinned and hopped off the couch. She pulled a movie off the shelf and thrust it up at Nick. He read the title. "Bloodspore V?"
Addie nodded vigorously.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea, kid. It looks a little, uh, violent…"
The screaming began again. Not crying…just pure, unadulterated screaming. Nick wondered how Wolverine could live around this kid with his sensitive hearing. "Addie? Addie, can ya stop screaming?"
The wailing stopped. "Bwoodspore?"
Nick didn't think that anyone who wasn't old enough to say "blood" should be allowed to watch a bad B-movie. Granted, he wasn't exactly parent-material, but that just seemed to make sense.
At least he thought that until he said no and the screaming began anew.
"Fine! We'll watch Bloodspore V!" Nick yelled. He couldn't believe after all he'd done in his life he was giving into a three-year-old…
"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Addie cheered, jumping up and down. "Bwoodspore! Bwoodspore!" She made a flying leap at the couch and sat down, folding her hands neatly in her lap. She looked up at Nick, her huge, blue eyes gleaming. She was dressed in yellow, flannel pajamas, and Fury thought she looked eerily like her father. She pointed to the VCR and said with a pout, "Bwoodspore?"
Nick sighed and popped the tape in. Addie watched the movie with rapt attention, the more gore on the screen, the larger her homicidal maniac-like grin. Fury was just plain creeped out.
"Well, she is Wolverine's daughter," he reminded himself with a shudder.
Addie's eyes stayed wide open until the last scene of the movie. Then, as soon as the credits began to roll, she passed out. Nick stared at her for a moment, looking for signs of life. When he noticed she was breathing, he relaxed some. "Guess she just falls asleep quickly," he muttered.
Fury picked up Addie, noting how tiny she was. "Probably not going to be any bigger than your parents, kid," he said as he carried her into her bedroom.
He put her in her bed and pulled her blanket up to her tiny chin. Nick smiled at how cute and peaceful she looked. Sure, she may a little psychotic and probably loud enough to make your eardrums bleed, but she was truly adorable. Nick stroked the back of her miniature hand with his thumb.
"That wasn't so bad," Nick said, thinking back on the night. Sure, she'd been a little, uh, hyper, but she'd eventually gone to sleep without any trouble. And while Bloodspore V may have been highly inappropriate for young children, Nick had to admit it kept her occupied for the time when she was awake.
Nick got up and turned off the light, glancing at Addie one more time before closing the door halfway. He smiled to himself. She really was a cute kid…
*** *** ***
Fury was relaxing on the couch, smoking Logan's cigars and watching old reruns of Dawson's Creek. He found something very intriguing about Katie Holmes. All in all, Nick Fury was a very content man.
Until he heard a noise coming from Addie's room. He muted the television to see if he heard anything again. Nick thought Katie was better when you couldn't hear her anyway.
He heard another noise from Addie's room and went to make sure he was okay.
Fury found her bed empty and her window wide open. He stumbled back against the wall in horror. Adanya Logan—the daughter of Wolverine—had been kidnapped, and it would be on Nick's head.
Nick pondered trying to find a way to end his life there before Logan came back and killed him slowly and painfully.
It was then that he heard maniacal giggling from the backyard. He ran to the window to see Addie running around the yard in a big circle.
"Adanya!" he yelled, hanging his head out the window. "Get back in this house right now!"
Addie just laughed. "Come and get me Unca Nick." She took off running towards the woods behind the house.
"Shit!" Nick cursed loudly, struggling to climb out the window to go after Addie. He slipped on the way out and ended up falling on his ass in the flower garden. He muttered a few curses before getting up and running after her.
Nick ran into the woods, chasing after the sound of Addie's laughter. "How does Logan put up with this kid?" he thought. Suddenly, he could see why no one else was available to baby-sit.
Abruptly, the giggling stopped and Nick came to a halt. "Addie?" he called, hoping maybe she'd answer.
Of course, she didn't.
"Addie, please, this isn't a game. Where are you?"
Still no answer. "Addie!"
Nick heard more giggling and then some strange, sloshing noise.
"Addie, where are you?"
"Over here, Unca Nick!"
Fury followed the sound of the little imp's voice. He founder her standing in a puddle, covered in mud. "Dirty!" Addie yelled with glee.
Dirty was an understatement. Nick had never seen anyone so filthy in his life. "C'mon, kid. I need to get you inside and give ya a bath."
Addie crossed her mud-covered arms across her chest. "I don't wike baths."
"Kid, ya look like a swamp creature. You're gonna have to bathe."
She sniffled. "Unca Nick…"
Nick adverted his gaze from her huge, hypnotizing eyes. "No. C'mon, kid." He picked her up and tucked her under his arm like a football. The high-pitched screaming began anew.
"Can it, kid. You're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood."
Addie just screamed louder. Nick clamped his free hand over her mouth. When he got back in the house, Nick ran a bath and put Addie in, clothes and all.
"Wash up, now," he barked.
Addie, who now very much resembled a drowned rat, looked up at Nick. Her oversized eyes started to well up and her lip began to tremble. After a second, she burst into tears.
Nick sighed. "Why are you cryin'?"
"You don't wove me!" Addie said sadly.
Another sigh from Nick. "Of course I do," he said, kneeling in front of the rub. "I'm just…frustrated."
Addie sniffled. Nick gave her a small, consolatory smile. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"
*** *** ***
Addie stood behind Nick, wrapped in a pink fuzzy towel, while he went to her closet to find her a new pair of pajamas.
Somehow, he wasn't surprised to find the were all yellow flannel. "Definitely Logan's kid," Fury muttered.
"Here, kid," he said, tossing her the pajamas. "Get dressed."
Much to Nick's shock, she did what she was told. "Go to bed," he said once she was dressed.
Addie walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "What are you doing?" Nick asked.
"Waiting for you to tuck me in," Addie said.
Nick sighed and went over to Addie. She stood up and he pulled the covers back down. "Okay, get in." Addie lay down on the bed and he pulled the covers over her. "Night, kid."
Nick was halfway to the door when he heard a tiny "Unca Nick?" He groaned inwardly.
"What now, Addie?"
"I can't sweep."
"Sweep? Like with a broom."
"That's what I said!"
"You've only been in bed, for what, two seconds. Give it more time."
"I need a bedtime story."
Addie nodded vigorously then sat up in bed. "Story! Story! Tell me a story, Unca Nick!"
Nick sat down at the edge of the bed. "What story do you want me to tell you?"
Addie thought for a seconds then exclaimed, "Gwoldie Wocks and the Thwee Bears!"
"Okay. The short version," Nick conceded. "There was this kid with bleach blonde hair who felt the need to wander around the woods lookin' for homes belonging to poor, unsuspectin' forest creatures that she could break in to. The broad called herself Goldilocks. Anyway, she found this little cabin that belonged to this nice family of bears who had gone out for a walk. She busted into the cabin and tasted their porridge. The picky little brat didn't like the porridge of the mother and father bears, so she ate all the little kid bear's breakfast. She must've eaten a whole heck of a lot of porridge, too, cause she broke the kid's chair. After eatin' his food and breakin' his chair, Goldilocks went upstairs, complained some more about the condition of the beds, and then passed out in the kid's bed. When the bear family came back, the baby one cried over his empty porridge bowl and broken chair, and then they all went upstairs, found Goldilocks, and chased the little twerp into the woods."
Addie stared at Fury. "That's not how Daddy says it."
"And how does your daddy say it?"
"The bears cwaw Gwoldie Wocks at the end."
"Yeah. Cwaw. Wike this." Addie made her hands like little bear claws and growled.
"So in your daddy's version the bears maul the blonde?" Nick asked, starting to see why this child would be entertained by Bloodspore V.
"Yep. Bwood everywhere. Teach that wittle punk t'mess with those nice bears."
Nick raised the brow over his good eye. Apparently Logan had passed his issues on to his child.
"Well, consider the girl mauled then. Will you go to sleep now?"
Addie shook her head no.
"Hungry? Didn't your parents feed you?"
"I'm still gwowing! I need to eat!"
"Okay, fine. I'll feed you. What exactly do you eat anyway?"
Addie looked confused. "Food."
"I figured that. Is there some sort of special food you feed three year olds?"
"You don't have any kids, do ya, Unca Nick?"
"None that I know of. Okay, how about this—what kind of food do you like."
Nick sighed. "C'mon, shorty, let's go see what we can find you in the kitchen."
"I'm not short."
"Whatever you say. C'mon."
Addie followed Nick into the kitchen. "Is there any pizza here, since that's apparently all you eat."
Addie nodded. "Mommy's been busy with school, so there's a'ways pizza in the house."
Nick opened the fridge and found that sure enough, it was full of pizza boxes, stacked on top of each other. And a six pack of Molson's, of course. It was Wolverine's fridge after all.
"Cold or warmed up on the pizza."
Addie sat at the table, her little feet kicking in front of her. "Warm, pwease."
Nick took out a slice of cheese pizza, put it on a plate, and stuck in the microwave.
"Why do you have a thingy on your eye."
"My eye patch?"
"Yeah. Is it because you're pretending to be Patch wike my daddy?"
Nick snickered at that. "No. I don't have an eye there."
Addie stared up at him. "Is there a big howe in your head?"
"A hole in my head?"
"Does it bweed awot?"
"No. It doesn't bleed. I hurt it a long time ago."
Addie started to pout. "Darn. Bwood is neat. Can I see it."
"I never take it off."
"I just don't."
"Adanya, stop it."
"Unca Nick, stop it."
"Knock it off!"
"Knock it off!"
"Don't say everything I say!"
"Don't say everything I say!"
Nick told himself to stay calm. She was, after all, only a child. He took the pizza out of the microwave and put it in front of her. "Eat."
Addie grabbed it and took a big bite, tearing off a piece with her teeth much the way an animal would tear meat of the bones of its prey. He could've sworn he heard her growl at one point.
"Are you done now?" Nick asked once she'd devoured everything but the crust.
Addie nodded. "Crust is yucky."
"You gonna go to bed now?"
"Nope." Addie jumped down from the table and ran out of the room.
"Addie!" Nick yelled, going after her. He found her in her parents room, jumping on the bed.
"Bouncy!" Addie yelled. "Bouncy bouncy!"
"Adanya Caitlin Logan, get off that bed and come here this instant!" Nick said, trying his best to sound like a parent.
Addie giggled. "You sound wike my mommy!" She didn't stop her bouncing.
Nick was just about fed up. He lunged for her. She deftly avoided him, and he ended up sprawled across the bed. Addie squealed gleefully. "You look funny, Unca Nick."
"I am too damn old for this," Fury muttered into the comforter. He head Addie's footsteps running from the room. "Dammit." He got up and went after her.
Nick walked out of the bedroom. He looked around. No one. He peeked into each of the rooms individually. Nothing. "Addie?" Silence. "Addie!"
Nick went into Addie's bedroom and saw that the window was open again. "Oh, fer the love of…" He was just about to go out and look for her, when he felt something launch itself onto his back and tackle him. He landed to the ground with a loud, "ooof!"
Addie stood up on his back and laughed. "Got ya, Unca Nick!"
"Yeah Addie, ya got me," Nick said, straining to talk while he was mashed to the ground. "Now how about ya let Uncle Nick up, huh?"
Addie jumped on him one time, making him groan, before she got off. "You're so much fun, Unca Nick," Addie said. "Wike Unca Bobby."
Nick Fury had never in his life thought he would be compared to Bobby Drake. "Hey kid, do you know what's really fun?"
Addie shook her head. "Uh uh, Unca Nick. You're not trickin' me with that one."
Apparently she was a wily one. "But what could be more fun that sleep?" Nick asked, feeling rather exhausted himself.
"Movie!" Addie exclaimed.
"Not another movie…" Nick said.
"Yes! Movie!" Addie ran into the living room and grabbed a tape. Nick started to protest more, but then remembered how she'd passed out directly after the movie the last time. Maybe it would happen again. Only this time he'd have to be sure not to be taken in by her seemingly-innocent act and strap her down to the bed or something.
"What do you want to watch?"
Addie pulled out a movie. Nick stared at it in disbelief. "Bloodspore VI?"
"Is it anything like Bloodspore V?"
Addie shook her head. "Better."
Nick wondered if maybe it was time to just give up. "Fine. Sit down. We'll watch Bloodspore VI."
It was about twenty minutes into the movie when the events of the night began to catch up with Nick. He tried to keep his eyes open, but it was impossible. Within moments he had fallen asleep.
Addie looked over at the sleeping Nick Fury. "Poor Unca Nick," she said, shaking her head back and forth. She curled up beside him and stared at the movie, her huge eyes taking in every gruesome minute.
*** *** ***
Nick and Addie were curled up on the couch, fast asleep when Wolverine and Jubilee came home. Jubilee smiled at the sleeping pair. "Aren't they cute, Logan? I guess this means Nick didn't have any trouble with her."
Wolverine chuckled. "Makes me wonder if maybe I should take some pictures and black mail Nick with 'em. Threaten to show people his soft side."
Jubilee smack her husband lightly on the chest. "Be nice, Logan."
"This is Nice Logan." He winked at her. "Besides, I thought you liked Naughty Logan."
Jubilee blushed. "Carry our daughter to bed, will ya?"
"Yes, dear." Logan lifted Addie's sleeping form from the couch. She opened her eyes slightly.
"Daddy?" she asked groggily.
"Yeah. Yer mom and I are home."
"Unca Nick was tired."
"I see that, punkin."
"He's awot of fun," she said before passing out again on her dad's shoulder.
Logan carried her off to her bedroom.
*** *** ***