Hello, you lucky people. I have decided to post my songfic! :D

;) I hope you all like it. I'll post it in installments, since it's
somewhat long.


Title: Clandestine
Author: Jesse
Contact: chartreux...
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: I think it's fairly obvious that I am not the owner of Voyager.
Can we all guess who is??? As for the CD lyrics, I am not affiliated with
Blue Rodeo in any way. Really. I'm not.
Comments: A challenge of sorts. It's a songfic! EMAIL ME! Oh, and excuuuuuse
me if my science ain't all that good. That's not the point of the story!
(sorry, Amy...I'm too lazy to fix it *S*)

CD: "Five Days in July" by Blue Rodeo


I stand transfixed...
"Hasn't Hit Me Yet"

Captain Kathryn Janeway looked across the conference table. She was staring
very intently at the Doctor, not listening to a word Neelix was saying. The
Doctor didn't even notice.

Commander Chakotay alternated between staring at his feet and staring at his
commanding officer. His friend. He hope she would finally stand up and
excuse them all from Neelix's update
on ship's morale. But she wasn't moving. He followed her gaze over to the
Doctor, and then followed the Doctor's gaze. Stifling a laugh, he returned
to examining his feet.

B'Elanna Torres quietly made faces at her boyfriend across the table. Tom
Paris smirked back at her and swiftly began playing "footsie" with her. They
were trapped in their own little world.

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok sat at the end of the table, listening to the
Talaxian's animated speech and observing the events before him. He looked on
in Vulcan amusement.

Seven of Nine sat down the table from Captain Janeway. As bored as she was
with Neelix's observations, she kept on paying attention. She knew the rest
of the crew wasn't doing so, so she
became fixated on being the only one really aware of what was going on.

The Doctor, existing in his own little dreamworld, paid uncharacteristic
attention to Seven. He was being blatantly obvious in his stares, but he
couldn't help himself. She looked especially
luminous today.

Captain Janeway bore into the Doctor's skull with a fiery ferociousness. It
made her even madder that he didn't notice.

Chakotay began twiddling his thumbs. He was becoming very jealous of Harry
Kim's bridge duty.

Torres and Paris could barely stifle their giggling.

Tuvok sighed loud enough to draw attention, but no one paid any attention to

Seven began to feel a little annoyed at the chaos surrounding her. She
started to wish she was somewhere else.

The Doctor just stared.

".....and that concludes the presentation!"

At the word "concludes", attentions snapped up.

Janeway whipped her head around. "Thankyou, Neelix. Very informative."

Chakotay stood slowly, waiting for Kathryn to lead the way out. She didn't
move from her chair. She was still burning holes into the Doctor. Chakotay
smiled inwardly and left the room.

Quick on the Commander's heels, B'Elanna and Tom bolted out of the
Conference room, happy just to be up on their feet.

Tuvok has slipped out the back door long before anyone else had left.

Seven stood, gave a little huff, and sashayed out the door.

Just as the Doctor got up to follow, a nasty voice ordered him to halt.


Neelix looked worriedly at the two officers, and quickly scurried out the

"Yes, Captain?" asked the Doctor, quite amiably.

Kathryn was not amused. "I think we have something to discuss."


"Your.....display today."

The Doctor was confused. The Captain had put quite a growl on "display", he
was sure it was something serious.

"I don't understand."

Kathryn stood and stalked up to the Doctor. "I'm going to be very blunt
about this. What are your intentions towards Seven?"

The EMH took a step back. He was stunned. "What.....what do you mean?"

"Don't deny it, Doctor," she stated with a barely held whisper. "I saw the
way you were staring at her. You're her mentor. She trusts you. If you take
advantage of that......."

He all of a sudden became very serious. "I would never do that. Never."

Kathryn sighed. She stepped up to the window, and looked out over the stars.
"I'm sorry. I realize you may think I'm being a little hard on you." She
turned, "But Seven is very special to me.
And she considers you one of her closest friends. She's come a long way,
Doctor. I don't want you to damage her trust."

Sorrow became plain on the Doctor's face. "I understand. I'm trying....very
hard..to not disrupt our friendship."

Janeway took on a quizzical look. "How do you feel about her?"

She watched as his eyes turned sad. He didn't hesitate to answer. "I'm in
love with her."

Kathryn's anger dropped from her heart. "Love?"

"Yes." He sat down in a chair. "I'm sorry, Captain, if I behaved
irresponsibly. I promise that won't happen again."

She sat down beside him. "Doctor....," she began, "do you know what love

He lifted his eyes to her and frowned. "Of course I do. I may be a hologram,
but I *do* have feelings."

She sat back. "Of course."

He knew she wasn't convinced. "Captain," he explained, "I love her. When I'm
around her.....my heart becomes light. I'm happy. She's an angel to me. I
promise you that I would never do
anything to hurt her, *including* telling her how I feel."

A wave of self-conscious shame washed over her. "Telling her how you feel
wouldn't hurt her."

"I'm not so sure about that. I don't expect that she reciprocates my

"She's hard to read, Doctor. She's surprised me before with her reactions to
very emotional situations. I suspect underneath that icy exterior lies a
very volatile, very emotional woman."

"Perhaps. But I'm not willing to take that chance. At least....not yet."

Kathryn looked down at the floor and nodded her head. "It might be wise to
wait a while. She's still new to all this......humanity."

The Doctor nodded slowly. Captain Janeway stood up and walked past the
Doctor, softly patting his shoulder as she stepped by.

"Captain," called the Doctor just before she was out the door.


He took a deep breath. "I'd be.....grateful..if you would keep this
conversation to yourself."

She gave him an encouraging smile. "Of course." And at that, she left.

The Doctor sat motionless in his chair, and let out a shuddering sigh of

I know my past. You were there, in everything I've done. You are the one.
"5 Days in May"

She stood in the corner of the Mess Hall, staring out into space. Literally.

After the conference, she decided to come here to reflect. It was late, and
no one would be around. She felt she needed some hard-to-find privacy.

The past three years had been more than eventful for her, but she found that
the last year in particular was foremost on her mind.

It had started on that fateful day when she had decided to try dating. She
didn't realize it then, but something sparked inside her that evening,
something she hadn't ever felt before.

She sighed. Blinking rapidly, she thought back several months to when he
almost left Voyager. It was that day, that very second, when she realized
just what the Doctor meant to her.

Since then, she had been acting differently when in his presence. It was
almost.....instinctual, the reactions she had, the things she said. Her body
felt different, and while she wasn't quite sure
what it meant, she knew what was causing it.

Lowering her gaze, she wondered why it was then, and not anytime before,
that she had felt the impact of his companionship. It was as though it came
from nowhere, yet was there the
whole time. Perhaps she had not been emotionally prepared enough to handle
her human feelings before. Perhaps now she was better able to let go of her
Borg habits and feel more openly.
Perhaps she was just unable to differentiate. She didn't know.

Inhaling softly, she looked out at the stars. How she wished she could be
alone with him right now. She was happy when she was with him. But that
wasn't entirely right. When she was in his
company, she also felt an incredible loneliness. A sadness unlike any she
had ever experienced. Different than when she thought he would leave her.
Different than when Icheb had left. This
one was lined with an almost unbearable need to smile at his every word,
wait for his every glance. The feelings were blended together in a confusing
and altogether scary emotional veil.

She shifted feet and frowned. She wanted to tell him so much what she was
feeling. When her emotions had suddenly dawned on her, she didn't know what
to do. Now she knew. She had to
let him know. So why couldn't she? Something was stopping her....something
irrational and illogical. Something very human. She was frightened. More
scared of her feelings and his response
than she was of anything she could think of. It was consuming.

Besides, what could she ever offer him? She recognized the inferiority
complex coming over her, but there wasn't anything she could do to stop it.
It was physically painful to wonder if he
would reject her. The thought brought a vibrant paleness to her face.

But yet, even at this thought of rejection and unrequited love, she was so
happy to be where she was. Considering where she had been, she felt
grateful, lucky even, to be here, with him, and
in this swirling of emotion. Destiny wasn't something she believed in, yet
she could not deny the incredible circumstances that had brought her to him.
He was everything to her, and she fully
understood that. He had been there from day one, helping her, inspiring her,
caring for her. The why was always on her mind. Why had he done all this for
her? Why didn't she see him like
this before? Why didn't he feel the same way?

She looked off to the left at a passing planet. She was surprised at her
coherent thoughts. Through the tumble of emotions she felt, one thing stood
out. He was always the first thing on her
mind. Always. Every line of his face was etched into her soul, every soft
movement he made, every word he said to her. Every compliment he gave her,
no matter how fleeting in its manner,
was the one thing that could lift her out of any sadness or misery. It seems
that "perfection" is found only in another, never in oneself.

She stood up straighter, suddenly aware of her posture. Taking in a deep
breath, she turned and walked, evading the tables without even thinking.
Clasping and unclasping her hot palms, she
made her way out of the Hall. Her heart fluttered with a nervousness that
was reserved only for him. She had survived this long without his knowing,
she was sure she could take the cutting
pain for a little while longer.

Started out so simple. Everything so innocent and plain.........One day love
justs hits you with a flash.

He fiddled with the hypospray in his hands. He looked at it, fell into its
contours and silver shine. Usually he wasn't so distracted, but these days
he waited in quiet agony for any chance to
steal a moment with his love.

He felt ashamed of the way he had acted in the conference. He suddenly
became so vulnerable when the Captain had confronted him. He wondered if
this guilt would carry over now
whenever he saw Seven.

He marveled at the instrument he was holding, and slowly his gaze roamed up
to his hands. He began studying them curiously, seeing things he hadn't seen
before. At that moment, he heard a
sharp sound from behind him.

He turned to see his flushed assistant hurriedly picking up all the utensils
he had dropped. He threw him the usual "evil eye", and went back about his
examining of his digits.

A few seconds later he caught a bark from the young ensign. He turned to see
him flying out the Sickbay door. Not entirely sure of what was said to him,
he basically ignored the unruliness
of it all - another unusual trait for his demeanor.

Of course, he had reasons for his mindset. She was on his mind. Constantly
on his mind.

Sighing, he set down the hypospray and leaned against the bio-bed. His
thoughts were getting the best of him - he was beginning to feel nervous.
She could very well walk in at any second.
He waited in anxious silence for the one thing that would make him
feel....real. But a part of him knew that all he was wishing for was a happy

As he stood in time for her, his mind reeled with all the experiences they
had shared together. The dancing, the singing....the first night he had seen
her for what she really was...a beautiful,
talented, sensitive woman who treated him like no one had ever treated him
before. A bemused smile came across his face. He knew he was in love. He had
admitted it to himself, and to one
other unfortunate crewmember. And now the Captain knew. That worried him, of
course, having two other individuals know of his emotional surrender. But
regressing back to that one
moment, the moment he fell for her, wasn't going to make him feel any
better. In fact, it basically crushed his confidence in all ways possible.

He crossed his arms in an involuntary gesture. It was times like this that
made him most reflective of his inferior qualities. And those qualities were
definitely resurfacing. His reasoning was
simple. He was sure of that. He would not jeopardize his relationship with
his best friend just to alleviate some of his pain. She was too important to
risk on something as trivial as his own
emotions. He could bathe in her from a distance. He had convinced himself
that he was of no real need to her. In fact, he began to think it was best
that they didn't spend as much time
together as they had done before.

He closed his eyes in frustration. He couldn't deny it. He lived for her.
And how he wished she with him right now.