Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach and I keep forgetting the name of the person who does.
Summary: Yoruichi loved men. Usually she loved them in turn. Now she loved them at the same time. Urahara/Yoruichi/Byakuya.
AN: If you like, please review. It makes the author's day.
Once upon a time, in Soul Society, there was a cat. A woman. A werecat. Harmful captain by day, killer kitty by night. Or vice versa, as it suited her wishes. She had men fall in love with her (more or less), hate her (less or more) and women get crushes and become lesbians (Soi Fon). Our Yoruichi was quite sure of herself to start with and now she was becoming a little too cocky. It wasn't that she hadn't been double-dating for quite some time, having both her third seat and another captain as lovers, but now she was getting careless and they were starting to guess.
The carelessness wasn't the problem. The fact that she had intended to be so was. She was quite sure she could bring them both to the realization that she was quite capable of satisfying both and that they should deal with it and accept the situation and satisfy her – both.
She shunpo-ed in her cat form, scaring the wits of some of the new recruits who had seen only seen shinigami and not animals ever do it before. Indeed, super-fast mosquitoes, as some of them started fantasizing, would have been a thoroughly horrifying thought.
She barely managed to get to her room in time to dress up in her good clothes, rumple them, throw herself on some pillows, open a book randomly and look thoroughly bored and at leisure before she could spot her first guest coming from behind a corner. She loved her windows. Perfect for surveillance. It was what she had them there for.
He knocked politely on the door and she gave him a thoroughly "been doing nothing all day" sort of "come in".
"Kisuke!" she greeted him. "Hi! Had I called you here at this time today? I'd forgotten."
"Yes, you did. My, my, Yoruichi, you seem to be getting quite forgetful as of late. I wonder if there's a reason for it?"
She cocked an eyebrow at him over her book.
"And have you gotten to any conclusion?"
"I am afraid I still need more data."
"Really? I do hope it shows up soon. I'd love to be less forgetful. It would make me happier."
"I'll try to find out so I can please you better."
"Hold on to that thought, will you?" She'd just spotted her number 2 coming through the yard. For a second her resolve flickered, but she pushed it back in proper form again. Not a moment of doubt showed on her face as she grinned at her lover.
Kisuke stepped closer to her, perfectly calm and collected, crouched down and leaned down, almost kissing her, when another knock was heard at the door, a sure knock of a man who knew he had every right to be inside, while he was still polite to wait for the answer. Kisuke pulled back and sat a little way away.
"Come in," Yoruichi cried in her same bored manner.
Byakuya entered, but closed the door with a slight bewilderment that showed very little in a tiny flicker of his eyes.
"I was just telling Kisuke I couldn't remember calling him here today," said Yoruichi, cheering up from her supposed boredom. "Ah, well, we'll just have to live with it."
"Live with it, Yoruichi-san?" asked Kisuke, producing his fan out of a sleeve.
"I am sure I can wait until you finish conducting the business you have together," said Byakuya, slightly annoyed.
"My, my, Bya-kun, are you just going to stand there and watch?" Yoruichi grinned at him. "Come here. Sit. Make yourself comfortable."
Byakuya went there and sat. He did not make himself comfortable. He made himself his usual stiff self.
"Tea?" she asked and went to get some (still hot on her stove, thank the gods) without waiting for an answer.
Kisuke threw Byakuya a smile that spoke of perfect comfort and I-have-an-advantage-over-you. A feline's smile for its prey. Byakuya threw Kisuke a look that spoke of some people being higher in the food chain than other people and how those other people had better know their place or else. Yoruichi threw them both teacups (without tea in them).
"Careful not to break them!"
"You're the one throwing them," the noble said.
"Thank you, Yoruichi-san," the blond said.
Then they both went back to their respective smile and look throwing.
"My, my, you guys are tense," she said. "Oh, this is the first time we're all like this together, isn't it? Well, it was about time, I guess."
"About time?" Byakuya asked.
"Yeah. You know. Both of you here together. A girl's dream."
"A girl's dream, Yoruichi-san?" Kisuke was looking at her from behind his fan again.
"Come on, you two. You can't say you didn't know... I'm giving your intelligence more credit than that."
Byakuya's stone-y disposition changed to that of a frozen stone on top of a grave. Kisuke's fan stopped fluttering about.
"I see," said Byakuya. "Then my presence here shall no longer ever be required."
He got on his feet.
"Wait," Yoruichi called, bringing the teapot.
He tried to leave. She shunpo-ed in front of the door. He tried to shunpo out the window. She reached it before him.
"Too slow, Bya-kun. I said wait. Sit down. Surely you can handle half an hour?"
It was probably Kisuke's voice that got the man to stay. "My, my, Kuchiki-taichou, we seem to be in a bind."
And there was something in his voice that just spoke of payback against a certain cat. Byakuya felt it. Yoruichi felt it, too, but she was nonetheless grateful for the interference. If she had them both in the same room, she had something to work with. The moment one of them left, she'd have a lot more trouble. Byakuya sat down, the sheer incarnation of nobility having a carrot stuck up its ass. And then he looked at Kisuke and they shared not a competitive glance and smile as murder weapons, but a look. Byakuya wondered suddenly how easy-going Kisuke actually was.
Yoruichi sat down, poured them tea, then lay back on the floor, smiling at the ceiling.
"Look at it this way," she said. "I am quite fond of the two of you and neither have anything to complain of, right? Unless you do, case in which I'm willing to listen on all points but this one. I'll make you both happy, as much as I can. I've already been doing it for quite awhile, even if you haven't found out about it until recently."
"Are you quite finished?" asked Byakuya.
"That depends on what you have to say."
"I do believe neither of us likes being cheated on," said Kisuke, behind his fan again.
"That's why I don't want to cheat. I'm letting you both know. You can handle it and there's no more lies."
"I know you can, Yoruichi-san," Kisuke continued, slightly amused. "Well, well, so that's why you said I should hold on to that thought of wanting to please you. I knew about this of course, but I decided that you have, of course, a right to do as you will, while I was wondering what..." and he went on.
Byakuya observed as the other man just went ahead and declared his everlasting trust in Yoruichi. They were a good couple, he knew. They fit each other like a hand and glove, they loved each other, they understood each other. He'd never had that with anybody yet. But he was not willing to let them just waltz away happily and forget all about him. And he couldn't just do the same gesture as Kisuke had. It was beneath him.
"That's not it," Byakuya replied, getting them both to stare up at him.
"Eh?" Yoruichi rose on her elbow.
Kisuke just waited, schooling his expression to be somewhat more cryptic. Byakuya got up, sat between Yoruichi and him, took his fan away, threw it on the futon in a corner, grabbed Kisuke's hair and kissed him in a long, lingering way, expecting to hear some sort of reaction from Yoruichi. But not the one he did hear.
"Awesome!" she squeaked.
"Kuchiki-sama..." Kisuke said, bewildered.
"Byakuya," the man replied. "In this situation only, Byakuya."
"My, my," Yoruichi said, hugging both of them to her chest with a happy smile. "What have I gotten myself into."
"Ah, but," Kisuke gulped. "I am not... I do not enjoy... I would never... I like women exclusively."
"Yet you just declared your will to please her, did you not?" growled Byakuya, sternly, only to notice Yoruichi undressing him swiftly.
"Clothes off!" she declared cheerfully.
"You too, Kisuke. So, Bya-kun, since when have you been crushing on my lover?"
"That kiss was solely unexpected to you, too? Or was it just to please me? Either way, good job. I'm turned on."
Let it be known that Byakuya had intended to disgust her and Kisuke by that gesture, then leave in a huff of smoky nobility floating around, preserving his dignity as much as possible and proving a point he couldn't remember at the moment. Drunken logic and hurt pride logic often have a lot in common, he decided.
Yoruichi got them all naked in record time, then proceeded to kiss each of them in turn and sandwich herself between them. She demanded yet another kiss and yet another between them, before getting both of them to pleasure her instead, for which Kisuke seemed to be quite grateful – until he reached forward to kiss the other man of his own volition.
All in all, it was what could be called a surreal day for both men, at the end of which they discovered themselves alone in her apartment, Yoruichi being called away by Soi Fon who'd burst at top speed through the window, landed on Byakuya, jumped out in horror and then proceeded to announce a bit of a Division emergency that got Yoruichi running away in cat form.
"She looked quite wounded," Kisuke remarked to Byakuya.
"She's been mad after her since she first saw her, I've heard."
"Four's too many."
"I don't think it went both ways. So, Byakuya-san, what now?"
"Now we leave."
"Don't we continue?"
"I am not interested."
"Wonderful. I wasn't interested either. I'd say let's go away and pretend this never happened, but she'll never let us forget it."
"Well, then, goodnight, Byakuya-san."
Urahara got dressed and flew out the window. After a short while, Byakuya did the same.
AN: Read and review, onegai shimasu! :) (note: this fic has been done for a back-to-back laptop writer's competition between me and a friend and is posted without any sort of beta-ing)
*sends subliminal "review" messages*
...not so subliminal, then.