FFn Pen Name: missmaj
Rating: M (duh!)
Pairing/Grouping: Jasper/Bella (duh again!)
POV: Third person POV
Summary: A crackfic version of Cinderella.
Disclaimer: SMeyer owns all Twilight characters.
Muchos gracias to JaspersDestiny, for having balls of steel to beta this... thing.
Remember: This is a crackfic. Not to be taken seriously.
If you do, dude, you need serious help.
I won the Judges' pick for the Round Mound of the Beehound contest!
*is doing the cabbage patch*
Group hugs to the judges. Thank you so much!
Conrgrats to Lacym3 and catonspeed for winning the voter's choice.
Check all other entries at
http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/2120321/Round_Mound_of_a_Beehound
Once upon a time, in the country of Otter's Pocket, there lived a King with a very horny son named Prince Jasper. King Carlisle was very sick and he wanted his only son to marry soon before his time came to pass. He was getting tired of his son's whoring ways, so one day he decided to call on Prince Jasper for a very serious talk.
"My Lord, your son awaits," the King's right-hand man, Emmett, announced.
He summoned him with a wave of his hand.
"Thank you, Emmett. Please send him in," he said weakly.
Prince Jasper entered his father's chambers, bowed down in respect, and sat beside his father's frail body.
"How are you feeling, father?" Prince Jasper asked, worriedly.
"Tired, son. It may not be long before the throne will be passed on to you. This is why I called on you today. I need you to grant me this one last wish before I die," King Carlisle said, gravelly.
Prince Jasper glanced at his father with concern. He took his father's hand and said, "Your wish is my command, father. Tell me what you would like me to do."
The King smiled at his son. Despite his son's habit of... seeking cock sockets for fun, he always had a deep sense of pride for him. The Prince may not like his last request, but he knew that his son would never let him down.
"Son, I wish for you to marry before I become no more." The Prince started to protest, but the King continued, "As the future King of Otter's Pocket, it is not acceptable to go around town and dip your widdle wood in any poking hole you come across. For the entire country to treat you with respect, you must keep it inside your trousers, in the meantime, until you find the one you'd be willing to share it with for the rest of your life. Please son, it's the only thing I ask of you."
The Prince was not happy with it, but he wouldn't disappoint his father, either. He nodded his head.
"How could I find the right one to marry if you want me to avoid every meat locker in town?" he asked, wearily.
"Your mother's downstairs planning a masquerade ball with Rosalie. The ball will be held one week from today. Everyone in the country will be invited. Please remember to keep your morning glory inside your trousers during the ball? Once you find the right lady, you may have the freedom to do whatever you want to do with your wife's pudding hatch," King Carlisle said, cracking a smile.
"As you wish, father." He kissed his father's hand and rose from the bed. He left the chambers frustrated, but determined that he would hold on to his father's dying request.
Three days later
Meanwhile, in the tiny town of Yippee Bog, there lived CinderBella. She was orphaned at a very young age and was now living with her evil stepmother, Irena, and her two stepsisters, Tanya and Kate.
Bella, as she preferred to be called, was outside cleaning the yard when a carriage arrived. A big, muscular man emerged from the carriage, followed by a beautiful damsel. They gracefully walked towards Bella, who curtseyed upon their arrival.
"As you were, m'lady," said the big, burly man. "My name is Sir Emmett, and this is Dame Rosalie. We are here to inform you of a masquerade ball at King Carlisle's castle to be held four days from today. Everyone from this household is expected to appear on that day."
Sir Emmett handed Bella a scroll. "This is your invitation. You must show this upon your arrival at the ball. Without this, you will not be allowed to enter the King's property."
Bella nodded her head in understanding.
As they were about to leave, Dame Rosalie turned back to her and said, "And please wear something... clean and pretty. That is all."
Once they left, Bella ran back into the cottage, clutching the scroll for dear life. She went looking for her stepmother, but ran into Kate, instead.
"Is something the matter, CinderBella?" Kate asked, curious.
"On the contrary, I have wonderful news! We have received an invitation for a masquerade ball from the King!" Bella said, excitedly.
Kate's eyes gleamed with intrigue. "Oh, that is exciting news! We should go into town later today to find something to wear!"
"And where do you think WE'RE going?" Tanya asked, haughtily.
Kate told Tanya about the recent news they've acquired. Tanya saw the scroll that Bella was holding and snatched it right out of her hands.
"And what are you doing with this? You have no right! See this? You have your filthy hands all over it!" she screeched.
"But she does have the right. She's part of our family," Kate said in a little voice.
Tanya laughed at Kate. "Are you dense? She's a stepsister. She does not count. Come on, Kate. We must find mother and tell her of the news."
Kate glanced at Bella apologetically before they left her alone in the foyer. She ran up the stairs to her bedroom in the attic. She will come to the fucking party, whether Tanya likes it or not.
Day of the Masquerade Ball
The sisters were dressed in elegant ball gowns and jewellery, and their mother was dressed as beautifully as they were. They had masks on specially made for the evening. They were about to leave when they heard Bella call out her stepmother's name.
"Stepmother! Wait! I'm coming with you," Bella proclaimed to the trio.
Tanya shrieked. "No! She cannot come! She's an embarrassment to the family!"
She was so furious that she started tearing Bella's gown that Bella proudly made herself. Soon enough, her gown was left dirty and tattered.
"See if you can still make it to the ball like that!" Tanya screamed. She cackled with laughter as the trio left for the ball.
"You're a mean...bearded taco!" Bella cried, and ran to the backyard. Suddenly, a flash of light shone behind the bushes. She ran towards the light and there she saw a tiny little pixie.
"Hi! I'm Alice, your fairy god-pixie! I'm here to help! Just give me five seconds and you'll be good as new," the overly-caffeinated pixie said.
Alice the pixie waved her magic wand and before Bella could even comprehend what was going on, she now appeared angelic-looking. She was wearing a beautiful ball gown, complete with a matching mask, much more beautiful than her stepmother's and stepsisters' combined. Beside her was a carriage that looked like a... pumpkin? And her horse and carriage driver had whiskers on their faces. Creepy, but it would do.
The overenthusiastic pixie spoke quickly, "Okay, here's the invitation. Remember, you have to be back by midnight, never reveal who you are, keep your mask on, and oh, do not leave your bloomers behind."
"Why would I take my bloomers off?" Bella asked, obviously confused.
"No time, go!" Alice shoved her into the carriage, and before you could even say 'cuddlecock', the carriage sped through the town. Thank goodness traffic didn't exist then! She made it to the castle in no time at all.
Prince Jasper was about to give up searching for his future when he saw the brunette angel enter the castle grounds. He had hoped to get a glimpse of her beautiful face, but alas, her face was covered with an intricate mask. He watched her mingle amongst the crowds and flitted her way across the hall. He couldn't take his eyes off her. His mind instantly thought of how he could get his hands on her pink slide. He could feel his sword hardening, and he cursed inwardly as he remembered his promise to his father.
He watched her the entire night. He wasn't the only one, really. He could hear the crowd gossiping about the mystery girl. Everyone seemed to want a piece of her and that made him red with jealousy. He wanted her, and tonight he would do anything to claim her as his.
He finally got his chance when Bella decided to take a stroll around the castle courtyard for fresh air. She couldn't handle the sudden attention she was receiving from everyone, and she needed to escape. She still hadn't met the Prince and she was getting worried. The time was ticking.
She found a stone bench and sat on it while gazing out into the stars.
"Beautiful night, isn't it?" a very sexy, hot, erotic, husky, dreamy, masculine voice asked from behind her. She shivered in delight when she felt his breath on her neck.
She slowly turned around and was shocked to discover that it was Prince Jasper who was talking to her.
She quickly stood and curtseyed to the Prince. "I'm so sorry, my Lord. I didn't know that it was you. Please forgive me."
Prince Jasper rose from his side and took her hand. He gently led her back to the bench to sit.
He smiled at her and said, "Don't you worry, m'lady. I've been looking all night for my future and I think I have found her."
She tried to hide her disappointment. It seemed like her dreams of becoming Mrs. Prince Jasper had been shattered.
"Oh," she said, dully.
"Would you like to meet her?" he asked, his gorgeous green-with-a-hint-of-grey eyes twinkling.
She suddenly had the urge to punch the pud pocket out of him. Why would she want to meet his future wife? Was he dumber than she thought?
"Of course," she answered, forcing a smile.
Prince Jasper moved his free hand to her covered face, caressing the lines of her mask delicately. He gazed deeply into her beautiful brown eyes. He moved closer, his breath fanning her face. She held her breath. "It is you, my love. You're the one that I want. Please tell me you'll be mine."
To say that Bella was shocked was obviously an understatement. She was so elated that she couldn't find her voice to speak. She simply nodded her head and smiled back at him.
"Oh, you make me swell with so much pride. I would like to kiss you. May I?" he requested.
Once again, she was dumbfounded and simply nodded her head. The Prince touched her lips with his. Later on, they would swear that they had literally heard fireworks when they kissed. They really did hear fireworks, because Emmett fired up the pyrotechnics at the exact same moment. Prince Jasper licked Bella's lower lip, and she responded by opening her mouth slightly. The kiss got really heated up when she grasped his lapel and brought him closer to her. Their tongues were dancing along with the fireworks. Their hands were all over each other's over-clothed bodies.
Prince Jasper wanted more. But he knew he couldn't. And he needed to taste her. All of her.
"I need to taste you, all of you," he whispered.
She shivered with excitement. No man had ever touched her, and she had no idea what the Prince meant about tasting all of her. But, something in the way he said it made her entire body tingle. As she moved, she felt a wetness down her pink cookie.
Oh no, I hope it's not my time of the month yet, she thought.
He knelt in front of her, and she gave him a questioning look. "Shh, my dove. I'll take care of you. I will take you to the highest of highs and I promise, you will neither regret nor forget it."
He pushed her big-ass ball gown upwards, only to be met by another layer. And another. And another. Who invented this beef curtain? I'm going to ask father to behead the person that created this monstrosity!
He was getting furious, but finally found what he was looking for. Oh, please don't let there be stockings, he prayed. He gently touched her legs and was delighted when he discovered that there were no stockings covering her silky legs. He heard Bella gasp as he moved his hands upwards until he found his destination. He slowly pulled her bloomers off of her and laid them beside him.
Oh heaven, he rejoiced as he touched her love cave. "So wet, my love," he murmured.
Bella froze as she heard voices headed in their direction.
"Um...there's people…" she whispered.
He was not going to let those people ruin his moment. A lightbulb moment appeared for the Prince, and before Bella knew it, he hid beneath her gown.
Once under her gown, he couldn't resist tasting her. He took a whiff of her goodie basket.
Mmmm, her Holy Grail smells divine, like strawberries and freesia, he thought. He licked the slits of her slot pocket, causing her to moan out loud. Her moan was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard and he wanted to hear more. So, he fondled her pancake folds with his tongue, over and over. He tried to hold her down as she started to squirm, and he knew that it wouldn't take that much longer before she finally found her release.
The guests who were strolling through the courtyard saw Bella squirming and groaning to herself. They couldn't help but feel concerned about the young lady.
The elderly lady approached her just as she reached her peak. "Are you alright dear?" she asked kindly.
"YES! YES! YES! I'M GOOD! I'M GREAT! OH, GOD," she screamed at the poor lady, panting like a hungry Rottweiler.
The lady and her company scurried away in a hurry, afraid that the young woman may have Tourette's.
The Prince continued his ministrations, cleaning up all the juices from her happy valley. As soon as he was finished, the clock struck. It was midnight.
Bella panicked and got up from the bench, knocking the Prince over in the process.
"I have to leave, my Lord. I'm sorry. Um....thank you?" she stammered. She ran away as fast as she could, leaving the dazed and confused Prince in the courtyard. He laid his hand on the dirt and felt something graze his fingers. He picked it up and realized that the woman of his dreams had left her bloomers behind.
"Dude, I was looking all over for you," the Prince's bff, Prince Edward of Beaver Teeth, said. "What are you doing on the floor? And what is that you're holding?"
Prince Jasper took a whiff of the bloomers and held it for Prince Edward to see. "Strawberries and freesia. I've never smelled anything so wonderful. I must find her, Edward. Please help me find her?"
Bella, on the other hand...
She made it back to the cottage in time. As she climbed up the stairs to her room, she noticed that the lower half of her body felt free and airy.
Told you not to leave your bloomers behind. They're special-ordered from La Perla, you know. The voice of her fairy god-pixie flitted through her mind.
Oh, purple people penis eater, she thought.
One Week Later
The news of Prince Jasper searching for his maiden spread throughout the country like wildfire. Pictures on Bella's bloomers were posted all over the place. Prince Jasper, along with Prince Edward, scouted from city to city in desire of finding his beloved. Ladies everywhere were more than willing to show their bloomers and dripping spazhole. The Prince hired Mike, the bloomer-sniffer, in hopes of locating the familiar scent of strawberries and freesia that he longed for since the day Bella got away. He dreamt of her bubblegum by the bum endlessly.
They searched high and low, and searched every type of curly curtains as humanly possible, but to no avail. Luckily for the Prince, he didn't have to go through masses of cock dock, piss flaps, and furry purse. Mike, the bloomer sniffer, will be scarred for life.
Bella was in town for an errand when she saw the picture of her bloomer posted on every store. She was horrified to discover that her undergarment was exposed for everyone to see.
Bella tried to calm herself down. Nobody would know that's mine. Oh, fish lips, there's a picture of the fairy god-pixie on both ass-cheeks? What would the prince think? This is so embarrassing.
"CinderBella? Are you alright? What's that on the poster?" Kate asked.
"I have no idea. Come on. Stepmother awaits." Bella tried to distract Kate from looking at the poster, but she wasn't fast enough. Kate's excellent vision noticed something that Bella didn't.
Underneath the La Perla tag was an inscription.
Property of CinderBella Swan.
As soon as the Swans came home from town, Kate approached Bella, who was tending to their gardens.
"CinderBella, is there anything you want to tell me?" Kate asked, quietly.
Kate was different from her mother and sister. CinderBella treated her more like family than her own, and that made her very fond of her stepsister. Unlike Irena and Tanya, Kate wished for CinderBella to live a happy life and one day be free of this hellhole called home.
Bella froze. "I....I...don't know...what you're...talking about," she stammered.
"I know those are your bloomers posted all over town, Bella. You can trust me. You know that," the gentle stepsister said, kindly.
Bella sighed and relayed her night with the Prince, but didn't mention the party hole clean up incident, of course.
Kate got all excited and squealed with glee. "That's wonderful news! But, you don't seem happy about it, why?"
"Who would believe a pauper like me? I crashed the party. I wasn't even invited. I can't prove anything!" Bella sighed.
"Don't worry, dear stepsister, things will look up. You'll see." Kate smiled, reassuringly.
"I hope so," Bella whispered.
Both looked up and shuddered as they heard creepy cackling from inside the cottage.
Back at the castle
"I'm sorry, your highness. But, I cannot find the scent that you are looking for," the bloomer-sniffer announced, discouraged. "There was tuna, bacon, cheeseburger, and oyster, even pork pie. But, I cannot find the yawning hippo that you are looking for."
The Prince sighed, dejected. He was heartbroken. He had never felt like this before and he may never find the girl of his dreams.
Just as Mike was about to leave, Felix, a castle-worker, approached the Prince and whispered something in his ear. The Prince suddenly leapt from the throne he was sitting in, and grabbed Prince Edward, who was busy at the pool table.
"Edward, I think I found her! We must leave immediately. Emmett! Hold off the announcement." Jasper ran to the stables and got on his horse, Lawrence of A Labia, to find his one true love.
Tanya and her stepmother were awaiting the news of the Prince's proposal. Kate came bursting through the doors upon seeing the Prince arrive.
"They're here!" Kate cried.
"Oh my god, mother! He's going to propose in person? How do I look, mother? Is my slot pocket trimmed well for his highness?" Tanya asked, excitedly.
"Of course, my dear. You're beautiful. I'm sure the Prince would love your salami garage," stepmother Irena cooed to her favourite daughter.
The princes' smelled a faint scent of strawberries and freesia as they entered the Swan's cottage.
"This must be it. I can smell it," Prince Jasper said, hopeful.
The three ladies rushed to the Prince and bowed down at his feet. He gently dismissed the three and studied each one. The three women had blue eyes.
There must be a mistake. I'll never forget the brown eyes that stared back at me that night.
He cleared his throat. "There seems to be a mistake. Are you sure that there are only three of you that live in this home?"
"Well, there's Bell..." Kate started, but she was yanked violently by her mother and forced into the kitchen.
"Forgive my other daughter Kate. She's a little slow," Irena apologized. "Yes, we are the only three ladies that live here. You have already met Kate. But, this is my gorgeous daughter, Tanya, and I'm their mother, Irena."
"Excuse me one moment, please," Prince Jasper said, turning to Prince Edward.
"What's going on?" Prince Edward hissed.
"She's not here. I could smell her, but none of these ladies is the one that I spent my time with at the garden," he whispered back.
"Are you sure? With your exception, we were all wearing masks. It's impossible to tell who was who that night, Jasper."
Prince Jasper shook his head sadly. "The eyes, Edward. She has brown eyes. And none of these ladies have brown hair, either."
Their conversation was interrupted when Tanya tapped Prince Jasper on the shoulder.
"If I may, my Lord, I can assure you I was the one you spoke to the night of the masquerade ball," she said batting her eyelashes. She went on to recap that night, down to the missing bloomers.
"There's only one thing you can do to determine that it was, indeed, Tanya. You must take a whiff of her wizard's sleeve and all will be proven," Prince Edward announced.
Prince Jasper glared at his best friend. Before that night, he would've easily given in and tried to smell the curds and whey without even thinking. Hell, he would even try to taste the cheese, just for fun. But since that night, all he wanted was strawberry and freesia. He was so frustrated at himself for not bringing Mike today. He didn't have a choice.
"Okay," he grunted. "My Lady, if you could please sit in that chair for me?"
Tanya all but ran to the chair, eager for the Prince to get a whiff of her oozing flesh pot.
Prince Jasper trudged towards her, resisting the urge to strangle Prince Edward for making this suggestion. Once he approached her, he knelt in front of her and unhurriedly lifted up her skirt. Once he could see the familiar detailing of her bloomers, he slowly leaned over her gateway to her guts, holding his breath until the very last minute.
"WAIT!" An angelic voice was heard from upstairs.
"Mother! I thought you locked her up in there!" Tanya screeched.
Prince Jasper scrambled to his feet, relieved that he didn't have to go through that nightmare.
"What did you say?" he asked, angrily.
Tanya tried to maintain her innocence. "She's nothing. She's just a crazy pig lips. She's not even a part of our family."
"No she's not," Kate said, coming down from the stairs. "They locked her up. They heard us talking about the night you met Bella."
"It's okay, Bella. Mother and sister won't touch you. I won't let them," she called to Bella from her attic.
As Bella emerged from upstairs, Prince Jasper felt the pull he felt to Bella the night of the ball. He ran towards her and gazed into her eyes.
Beautiful brown eyes.
"It's you. It's really you," he whispered.
"Noooo! She wasn't even invited to the ball!" Tanya shrieked. "I ripped her clothes off! How could she go all tattered and ugly? Look at her! She's filthy! Smell her! I dare you. I bet you her papercut smells like chowder."
Without even thinking, Prince Jasper knelt in front of Bella and once again went under her skirt. One whiff of her Venus flytrap and suddenly he was in heaven.
Strawberries and Freesia. I'm home.
He stood and grabbed both her hands. "Please, Bella. Don't leave again. Marry me?"
Bella grinned and nodded her head. The Prince gently cupped her cheeks and kissed her long and sweet.
He then stared angrily at Irena and Tanya. "You two. You will be hearing from my father soon. I suggest you don't leave this place because we will find you, regardless."
"What about Kate?" Bella asked, sadly.
A horse was heard neighing and they both ran outside to see the commotion. Kate and Prince Edward were seen galloping away from the cottage.
He smiled at her. "I think she'll be okay. Come on, I'm taking you home."
And so, Prince Jasper once again got to taste the familiar sweet scent of Bella's lady garden as they rode off into the sunset.
Thanks so much to idreamofeddy and TwistedforTwilight for their advice and suggestions.
Poor little doves will be scarred for life.