Harry Potter & The Worst Fanfic Ever Written.
All is normal in the Harry Potter Fanfiction world: Malfoy & Snape duel over Hermione; Ron has an epiphany; Everyone meet Harry's twin sister!; And Harry? He just broods.
"'Twas a night in Fanfiction,
"And all through the realm of Harry Potter,
"Not a creature was normal.
"Not even Ron's mother!"
"Cheap shot," Ron muttered to Harry from across the room, gazing at his best friend with a shadow of confusion ghosting over his features. He blinked once, twice, then spoke once more when he noticed the sharp glare Harry was giving him. "Why do you look like you might want to feed me to the Fat Lady? Or worse! Make me her sex toy!"
"You ruined it," Harry said shortly, turning his nose up in a very Malfoy manner.
"My poem, you insensitive git! You completely ruined it by sticking your ginger nose into my rhymes!"
Ron scoffed at the Golden Gryffindor he called his best mate. After all, this was the Harry Potter world, ala Fanfiction, and so, Ron has the right to scoff. Just like Harry has the right to suddenly grow a pair and get mouthy about Ron's mother.
"My nose isn't ginger!" Ron countered. "My head may be-"
"And your pubes," Harry muttered darkly, chuckling under his breath.
"AND," Ron exclaimed, annoyed, "mother and Potter don't rhyme," he retorted. "Possibly father and Potter, but mother? I believe that you slipped up there."
"What did I do now? I corrected your lousy rhyme." What Ron didn't realize was that this author condoned terrible rhyming, because she herself can't rhyme. And if she can't, then why should Harry?
"Bloody hell, Ron! I'm the Chosen One, damn it! And whilst the side effects may include morbidly emo mood swings and the sudden urge to shag your sister senselessly, I think I'm allowed to have an ego that you just ruined!"
"I thought I ruined your poem."
Ron recounted Harry's earlier sentences a few minutes ago, but really, he didn't even have to scroll up to re-read it, because well, Ron's just a smart cookie. "Mate…Ginny's into blokes."
Harry blinked his moss colored eyes at him, though some people would write them as, "blue and deep as the ocean," because apparently, Daniel Radcliffe couldn't put some damned green contacts in and therefore, he's ruined the whole, "You have your mother's eyes thing." Lily's eyes are green, noobs. "Yes, and…?"
"Didn't you hear? Your Fem!Harry!" Ron exclaimed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"The fuck?" Hermione chipped in, cutting off Harry. Everyone reading this story swiveled their heads to look at her, because when did Hermione Granger curse? An abomination, it was! Surely the apocalypse was lurking around the corner.
"Fem!Harry," Ron continued, ignoring her. "It means you're a chick, because apparently, weirdos want you to be impregnated with Malfoy's spawn."
"What-" Harry began again, but this time he was cut off by a loud crack, and a puff of smoke, and then a myriad of coughing. He blinked and fanned some smoke out of his face, only to see-
"Did someone say my name?!" Malfoy demanded, staring up into the sky, which was really the ceiling of the Burrow, which really made Malfoy look like a dumbfuck. One word, not two, because bad grammar is crucial in the HP Fanfic world.
Harry was too busy looking down at his recently acquired breasts (he was a chick after all) too care about Malfoy and/or bad grammar.
"Bugger off, Malfoy"
"Way to not punctuate, Weasel"
"Guys!" Hermione cut in, shrieking loudly and yanking at her brillo-pad-like-hair. Bitch, maybe the author wants Hermione to have brillo-pad-like-hair even though she secretly thinks Emma Watson's hair is pretty banging and all. But this is Hermione, and of course, Hermione's a nutcase that everyone falls for.
Which seems like another manlady that everyone wants to bone. Hello, BELLA! Twilight! In fact, the author only brought this up just so she could smash Twilight/Harry Potter crossovers, cause they need to be terminated, ASAP! Mwahaha, the author also thinks she should stop intruding.
So she'll stop now.
"Malfoy, how did you know we were saying your name? Were you listening by the windows?"
"Heavens no! I was listening in the garden, you imbecile."
"Listen-" Barked Ron (woof woof!), but Malfoy cut in.
"Hermione," he cried, falling to his knees and screwing his face up as if he'd just bitten into a rather sour lemon. "I've been combing the Earth day and night for you-"
"Yo, dumbass," Harry/the she lady said, finally catching thread of the conversation. "She's been here the whole time. Are you really that retarded?"
"No, I just lo-"
Another crack resounded through the Burrow, and Miss Weasley, the target of Harry/the she lady's lame yo momma joke, screeched from upstairs. "Will you keep it down?! I'm trying to do the laundry, do the dishes, fold the blankets, shower, do my yoga routine, and satisfy Arthur's dire need and I can't do so if I'm yelling at you!"
Ron blinked and made a gagging noise. "That's dirty."
"Now, Mr. Weasley," came the familiar drawling sneer of Severus Snape, the man who miraculously returned from the dead!, "you know Hermione would club you to death with Hogwarts, a History if she knew that ginger head of yours had currently taken up residence in…the gutter."
"Must everyone make fun of my ginger head!?"
Hermione, who'd brandished Hogwarts, a History with a hopeful look on her face, sat back in her chair, and sighed, continuing to knit, cause damn it, she's Hermione!
"Miss Granger," Snape said formally, though his eyes possessed some type of longing.
"SNAPE!" Malfoy exploded, turning a baleful glare on Professor Snape. "You know why I'm here and you intercepted me! How dare you do that to your godson, whose goddamn amazing and who cares and who isn't a lousy git and secretly cries when no one's watching!"
"You, Mr. Malfoy, I'm sure, know why I'm here as well. I love-"
"Holy shit!" Ron cried.
Harry, wrapped up in the argument and secretly eye fucking Malfoy (after all, he had to birth his spawn, according to Fanfiction, though gender changing is a shame to Harry The-Boy-With-A-Cock Potter and Co.) "What - what is it?!" Instead of instinctively drawing his wand, Harry The-Boy-Who-Was-No-Longer-A-Boy, cowered under the table, because that's what chicks who have boobs do. Why sacrifice the breasts?
"I'm having an epiphany!"
"Not now, Weasel!" Malfoy cried. "I must let everyone know that I love Granger!"
"Stop, you're - wait, what?"
"The fuck?" Harry continued, nodding, assuming the fetal position under the table that had miraculously appeared for Harry to cower under. Because things like that just happen.
"Yes, I love you Hermione. I've loved you ever since I got a glimpse under your skirt when that git Moody turned me into a Ferret. Ever since then, I've been yours, and I love you!"
"Please, Mr. Malfoy, you're making a fool of yourself," Snape sneered. Then he turned to a wide eyed Hermione. "Miss Granger…I LOVE YOU LIKE CRABBE LOVES CAKE! I look at you and see an insufferable know it all that's stolen my heart, and I'm a fucking batshit crazy old lunatic that's creeping on younger women named Hermione Granger, and prior to my previous rape accusations, I'm a good bloke! Please, be mine!"
"Now that was just pathetic," muttered Malfoy.
"Also," Snape continued, seeming to have gained all his lost composure and turning a leer towards Harry The-Cockless-Wonder or The-SheMan-With-Too-Many-Nicknames. "I'm afraid to tell you that you are not James Potter's child."
Harry stared at Snape, his throat dry. "You are my child," Snape finished, looking disgusted beyond all belief.
"That's not possible!" Harry cried. "I look just like James! Everyone tells me!"
"But, alas, you are one of my sperm."
Fred, who was too busy tonguing George on a couch to make any prior appearance into the story, broke apart from his twin, and said, "Harry…er, Harriett? Me and George may be displaying a disgusting case of twincest, but your mom shagging Snape takes the lead in the 'What the fuck' category"
"You forgot to punctuate," George pointed out.
"Not now, I'm trying to make a point!" He snapped.
Ron glared. "Can we keep it down?! You're disrupting my epiphany!"
"Just like you disrupted my poem!" Harry chided.
"Can we shut up for two seconds?! Trying to make a point takes concentration and silence!" Fred yelled.
"So do epiphanies!"
"Wait," Malfoy said, holding up his hands to silence everyone. "Did Lily willingly shag you, Snape?"
"Now, I may not have a spotless record-"
"That's just sick," Harry muttered.
"Basically," Fred added. Or was it George? Did it matter when they were tonguing again anyway?
Hermione, who'd been silent and secretly giddy that went from being ugly fuck to desirable, opened her mouth to speak, when-
"REALLY?!" bellowed Mrs. Weasley from upstairs. "Has no one heard of knocking?! No, let's just apparate in, the Weasley's aren't up to anything…" Her rambling trailed off, and everyone looked to the offensive person who'd apparated.
A girl who looked just like Harry, only with boobs (scratch that, Harry did have boobs now) stepped forward, pushing her circular spectacles farther up on her nose, and brushing back a wisp of black hair to reveal a scar on her forehead in the shape of a…
"Is that a rain cloud on your forehead?!" Harry asked cautiously, scrambling out from under the table.
The girl nodded, and smiled. "Fem!Harry. It feels like it's been ages."
"…Who are you?" he pondered trying to sound polite.
"Me? Why, I'm your twin sister of course!"
She nodded, though she appeared to be a little wide eyed behind her spectacles. "I am, indeed. We were separated at birth, because shit like that happens in this alternate universe, but I've found you! My…sister…? I could've sworn you were a boy."
"Fuck," he murmured under his breath. "Well," he said louder. "It's so nice to see you?" Try as he may to sound polite, it still came out sounding like a question.
"Oh, it is. I quit whoring around a couple years back to search for you, but then Voldemort captured me, thought I was Fem!Harry and made me his sex slave. I escaped after the war and have been looking for you ever since!"
"That's…nice? Listen, I may not want to sound rude, but seeing as how I don't really know you-"
"Can it Harry, she's hot!" George snapped.
"And we all have more pressing matters," Snape snapped his fingers and turned to Hermione. "Who is it, Miss Granger? Me or Malfoy," he injected enough loathing in the one simple surname to make Voldemort turn in his grave.
Hermione reeled back, her mouth wide. "Well, I don't know. I mean, to love proclamations in one day! It's nice to feel adored for once, Ron!" she said pointedly.
"FUCK OFF, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EPIPHANY!"
"WELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE BLOODY CONSTIPATED!"
Harry held up his hands, like Malfoy previously did, and everyone fell silent. "Let's just sort things out, shall we? Ron's having a constipated epiphany, Fred and George are bringing incest to a whole new level-"
Both Fred and George grinned.
"Malfoy and Snape whose supposed to be dead both love Hermione, Snape shagged my mom and I'm his spawn, I'm a woman and I'm supposedly appointed to give birth to Malfoy's spawn-"
Malfoy blanched at this.
"I have a twin sister who's a prostitute, and Hermione is suddenly desirable."
Ron, not to be disturbed during his wondrous epiphany (it could have been just gas), didn't say anything, but everyone else murmured their agreements on the situation at hand.
"What the fuck is going on?"
"Welcome to the world of Harry Potter Fanfiction, mate," George said.
Hermione nodded. "It's true. Everything's whacked here."
Harry held his head. "I feel like we should break out into song and dance now."
"I'VE GOT IT!"
Everyone turned to look at Ron, who had risen from his chair and stumbled to Hermione. Hermione whimpered and looked at him wide eyed. His face was getting closer to hers.
"Where the hell has Ginny been this whole time?" He asked.
Hermione blinked and drew back. "Where has she been?" she repeated.
George clapped his hands. "That's easy. She's off making sweet, sweet love to an OC."
"Ohhh," they all chorused, shrugging.
"And as the night ended," Harry began.
"Harry's twin sister lent him a hand," Hermione added.
"Now he's satisfied," Fred said.
"He's got a cock - he's a man!" Ron bellowed in a "huzzah" voice.
"They all simmered down," Malfoy grumbled.
"With cups of hot Joe," Snape sneered.
"But Joe wasn't happy," George grinned.
"And called me a 'homo'," Harry's unnamed twin sister sighed sleepily.
"So they all fell asleep," the author's really fucking tired of saying who's saying what.
"With thoughts in their head."
"Of Hogwarts letters."
"And four poster beds."
"Peace was restored."
"At least for now."
"That was until they woke up."
"To the sight of Mrs. Weasley, milking a cow."
This was not meant to be offensive. This is the result of a killer plot bunny in Literature & too much time on my hands. Mrs. Weasley milking a cow is only there because it rhymed, really. My rhyming skills are equivalent to a third grader's. Anyway, feel free to flame this if you love any of the things that I made an attempt to ridicule (IE, Malfoy and Hermione, Snape and Hermione, Fem!Harry, Harry's mysterious twin sister, Twincest with Fred and George, and any character with an OC.) The Ron having an epiphany thing was just a simple joke. :)