Okaasan ('Kaasan): Mother

Otousan ('Tousan): Father

Parenting

by Bullwinkle's Lady

"Kaasan! Kaasan! Why are you hurting Tousan?!"

Hissing curses, Sasuke and Hinata scrambled away from each other, drawing their sheets up to their noses.

"Ch-children," mentioned Hinata, seeming flustered.

"Get out," hissed Sasuke dangerously.

Two eight-year-olds peered suspiciously up at them, eyes black and white beyond the darkness. One flicked up the light switch causing their barely-decent parents to cringe, as the other eyed the duo and wondered why they were hiding.

The shorter of the twins cleared her throat importantly. She was the more forward of the two, and had come prepared with a proposition. "We...we want a baby brother or sister!" she cried, flailing her arms for emphasis.

Their parents blankly stared at them, Otousan furrowing his eyebrows as Okaasan merely blinked.

"To torture, and potentially feed to Akimichi?" their father questioned, allowing his sheets to fall to his waist.

"A baby is a big responsibility," piped in their mother, who still clutched her sheets to her chest. She hastily neatened her disheveled hair. "And I'm committed to ANBU, while your father, he...um..."

Sasuke glared at his wife for hesitating, though she'd had few other options. Sasuke was a jounin who did everything in his power to fail every prospective student who crossed him. Hinata was beginning to realize, uncomfortably, that he was becoming Kakashi.

"He's lazy!" their daughter proclaimed what everyone was thinking.

"No ambition," their son reluctantly added, if only because it just had to be said.

Their father was the weakest, laziest, most pathetic shinobi they knew. Sasaki was regretful that he had inherited the man's bland eyes – even more so than the fact that his name was Sasaki. How Uchiha Sasuke had ever become a jounin was beyond him, for his father buried his life in menial chores like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and crying himself to sleep (Sasaki presumed).

Kaasan's lips trembled, as though she was trying not to laugh. Tousan remained mostly indifferent, besides the occasional twitch of his eye. He rather didn't like babies. "What do you think of all this?" he questioned his son monotonously.

It was a threat, and the boy damn well knew it.

Kasai glanced at her brother. "Aa, what do you think Sasaki-chan?" she asked sweetly, grabbing hold of the boy's hand and squeezing until his knuckles rubbed together.

Sasaki winced. "A little brother would be nice..." he said awkwardly, then shuddered upon seeing his father's eyes flash red. "Or a pet. I could do with a pet," he quickly added.

There was a pause.

"It's settled then," said Sasuke. "Majority rules. No baby." He said the word "baby" with so much hostility that his wife frowned and children glared. "You can have a pet. Maybe a cat."

"Or...a turtle?" said Sasaki without thinking.

Sasuke scowled. "Get out."

When the children shuffled out of the bedroom (slamming the door shut behind them), Sasuke and Hinata uncomfortably glanced at each other, and then away again.

"Ano...I'm tired," mumbled Hinata unconvincingly as she turned onto her side and faced the wall.

"So am I," Sasuke remarked, resisting the urge to set fire to his pillow.


"How do you think he does that with his eyes?"

"What?"

"Y'know, how they turn all red-"

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," Sasaki sighed, plopping into a chair at the kitchen table. "I honestly wouldn't mind a tur-" the boy paused. "A cat. A ninja cat," he said miserably, wincing when his sister threw a chopstick at his head.

"I don't want a stinking cat. I want a little sister!" stated Kasai, her dark hair hanging messily in her white eyes. She amended this by hastily tying it back into a ponytail.

Sasaki shook his head. "Do you even know where babies come from?" he inquired, his dark eyes narrowed.

"Well – no," huffed Kasai

"Hm..." said Sasaki.

"Hm?"

"Hm."

"What's that supposed to mean, hmm?" snapped his sister, leaning across the table to grab hold of his collar. Thin veins began to rise on her temples.

"Just – nothing," the boy stammered, slithering out of his twin's grasp. Quickly downing the remainder of his tea, he offered Kasai his arm. "Off to school, yes?"

Kasai had mandated that they went to the academy hand in hand every day. Kaasan said it was cute. Tousan said it was queer. Sasaki thought it was horrifying.

"Hm..." mused Kasai, snatching his wrist and dragging him off.


Over the next few days, Kasai continued to press for a "baby sister," ultimately destroying her parents' sex lives, and Uchiha Sasuke's last grasp on precious sanity.

It was only a few days after her initial request that the ninja cat arrived.

There was a knock on the door, which their father promptly answered. A brief exchange of words. An exchange of bills. Sasuke moved out of the doorframe to reveal a gray tabby cat, about Sasaki's height, with a fanged grin, and a glass eye rolling about madly in his skull.

"Hello children. I'm Gainsworth."

Sasaki and Kasai warily eyed the cat as it approached. They slowly backed away from it, Sasaki squeezing his sister's hand with all his might.

"Let's be friends," mentioned Gainsworth, carefully cornering the eight-year-olds.

Over the next few days, their father's strange ninja cat friend completely terrorized the children. He was mean, and smelly, and ate their clothes, pissed on their beds, ripped apart the furniture, smoked in their bedroom, and bit off the heads of all Kasai's dolls. He also coughed up massive green hairballs, and Sasaki had been charged with cleaning the litter box – which was a horror in itself.

By the end of the week, not even Sasuke seemed to like the ninja cat anymore.

"We could feed him to Akimichi?" Kasai suggested.


It was one afternoon, gathered 'round the crystal ball with all the other useless jounin, and devising ways to fail the newest batch of moronic genin, that Sasuke's problem somehow slipped to the telepath among them.

"You're thinking of having another child!" Ino exclaimed, after thoroughly raping his mind. "Congratulations!" She ignored Sasuke's death glare.

Suddenly the door slammed open, signally Orange Sunglass' arrival. "But he hates children!" Aoba cried emphatically. "He hates them so much!"

As Aoba darted off, Sasuke rubbed his temples, answering the silent stares with a single name. "Kasai and Sasaki."

Comprehension slowly flooded the curious faces.

Ino grinned and nodded. "Tell them you're impotent," she suggested.

"Tell 'em they were adopted," another person piped in.

"Tell them where babies come from!"

Everyone looked up at the grinning Hokage who was evilly rubbing his hands together.

"Trust me Sasuke, it works every time. Tell them exactly what goes into baby-making."


Was he really going to traumatize his children at the tender age of eight? No...he couldn't...he'd let Hinata do it!

"I wanted to talk to you two...ano...the three of you, about where babies come from," said Hinata, nervously scratching her cheek.

Gainsworth was listening intently, droplets of green saliva dripping from his tongue.

Outside, Sasuke paced the hall, imagining Kasai's huge innocent white eyes.

"Do either of you have any thoughts on the subject?" inquired Hinata, idly ruffling Sasaki's hair.

The boy pulled her hand away. "Actually, Kakashi-san already told me," he stated.

Hinata's eyes widened. "Er, okay," she said awkwardly. "And you, Kasai?"

Kasai shook her head as she glared jealously at Sasaki.

"All right," said Hinata, heaving a sigh. "You see, at night when me and your father...a-ano, when me and your father-"

"Stop," Sasuke interrupted, entering the room. "We shouldn't have to do this."

Hinata contained a smile. She had been on the verge of deviating to the standard stork story.

"Sasaki, tell your sister where babies come from," Sasuke added, shuffling back out of the room.

Her eyes widening, Hinata glanced from Sasaki to Kasai, before quickly following her husband.

Sweating, Sasaki tugged at his collar as Kasai expectantly stared at him.


He went with the stork story.

But Sasuke didn't know that.

He stared in shock at his daughter, who seemed more enamored than ever with the prospect of having a younger sibling...as opposed to horrified as he had originally expected.

And Sasaki climbed into bed that evening, feeling endlessly satisfied with his decision.

He blinked when he felt someone climb into the bed behind him. "Kasai?"

He could hear what seemed to be a...purring sound, as two furry arms encircled his waist. A slimy tongue slithered up the back of his neck.

Sasaki released a blood-curdling scream.


The door slammed open.

"I want a baby brother!" Sasaki shrieked.

The children paused. Otousan was leaning over Kaasan, his hair in his eyes, and lips just inches from hers. As he pulled away, their mother propped herself onto one of her elbows, frowning slightly at the pair, and idly running her fingers along a spot behind their father's neck. The man in question slowly turned to them, revealing a clenched jaw and glowing crimson eyes. "Get out, children, and I assure you, we'll work on it."

And it was only a week later...that Sasuke purchased his son a pet turtle.

Gainsworth ate it.

The End

Notes:

I'm sorry, but ninja cats are damn creepy. Did you see the way they grinned at Sasuke in the manga? And he had milk for them? Wtf? Well duh, those ass-pouches have built-in refrigerators...and toilets.

Yes I know "Sasaki" is a girl's name. That was intentional.

Sasaki has black eyes, and Kasai has white eyes.

The children don't know about Sasuke's past, the Uchiha clan, or the sharingan. Their parents are just A-holes like that.

Originally the children's names were supposed to be Kurenai and Orochimaru-

"Tousan, why is my name Orochimaru?"

"To remind me of all the times I was molested throughout my childhood."

"..."

I tried to make Sasuke somewhat Fugaku-ish, what with the, "No son of mine is owning a turtle!" I also wanted to have him randomly start comparing Sasaki's inadequacies to Kasai's amazingness, but couldn't find a place for it. Dx

The "Orange Sunglasses" joke is a reference to future chapters of Light.

My roommates keep trying to poison me. Dx