Inspired by a Challenge on kpslashhaven from NoDrog. The original challenge being to write a story in nothing but phone transcripts. I've modified it to meet fanfiction's guidelines.
Legalese warning! Skip to where it says "Chapter I," in bold text and all caps, unless you're a masochist, or just get off on legalese. I don't own Kim Possible, or Shego. Disney, a division of Time/Warner owns 'em, and all rights to 'em. I'm posting this with no intention of profiting from the story, and am, thereby protect under fair usage agreements, so please don't sue, as you wouldn't get any of my non-existent money, anyway.
Kim Possible came in from her mission, wore out. She pulled off her sweat soaked top, and flopped down on the bed, groaning as she removed her shoes. It's bad enough she kidnapped W., but did she have to have Doberinos guarding the lair?! Briefly, she considered just falling asleep as she was, but rejected the idea, not liking the idea of sleeping while still sweaty and messed up from a mission. Suddenly, land line rang.
Shego: Uhhh, Hi, Kimmie?!
Kim: Who is...Shego?!
Shego: (sotto) Good question.(normal) Yeah, yeah, it'sh me. Sooo...whatcha' doin', Princess?
Kim: ...Uh, I just got back...Is there a reason you called?
Shego: Look, Drakken just dragged me to Karaoke night with his henchmen, I got hammered, we got the full pardon thing going on, and I thought, with us no longer on opposite sides...maybe we could...I don't know...be friends?
Shego: I know, stupid. I'm sorry I...
Kim: Wait! I'd...I'd like that, but...I was just surprised. (yawn) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yawn in your ear like that. We just got back from a mission.
Shego: Really? Tell me about it!
Kim: Oh, you wouldn't want to hear...
Shego: Bet me. It's been only slightly less boring than watching paint dry around here, except when one of Drew's experiments blows up. Now talk, Cheerleader.
Kim: (laughing) Okay. Well, DNAmy had kidnapped George W., in order to splice in a more intelligent person's D.N.A. into him...
Shego: Lord! Please tell me she succeeded!
Kim: I know, right! Only problem is, she also wanted to up his "cute" factor to help American relationships abroad, so she was gonna mix in some golden retriever genes as well...
They spent the next few hours, talking, with Kim feeling like she'd found a long lost friend. Her mind kept returning to the good times she'd had with "Miss Go", and was beginning to think, that maybe, just maybe, those times weren't as lost as she first thought.
Gah! Shego thought, throwing the flowers into the wastebasket, then wiping her hands off. She shuddered, then chuckled lightly. Still, the effort was kinda sweet. Creepy, yet sweet. Then another thought occurred to her. Wait, aren't flowers the reproductive organs...DRAKKEN GAVE ME SOME OF HIS OWN REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS?! AAAAGH! SICK AND WRONG...BEYOND SICK AND WRONG!!! Dismissing her thoughts, she picked up her phone, and dialed the number of her...friend. Yeah, friend, and that's all she is, just remember that!
Kim: Hey, what's the sitch?
Shego: Are you always so perky?
Kim: (laughing) Shego! You always so cranky?
Shego: As a matter of fact...no. Bitingly sarcastic, mean, and snarky, yes. Cranky, no. I've tried a couple of times to get through, you on another mission?
Kim: Yeah, as a matter of fact, but I'm not sharing unless you talk first. That's how friendship works. I share, you share.
Shego: Fine. All that happened today was Drew taking me on a date. What's that word the side-kick uses? "Awk-weird"?
Kim: That would be it. Why awk-weird?
Shego: Well, there was the bouquet, he grew them himself.
Kim: I didn't know Drakken was into gardening! That's kinda sw...
Shego: He isn't. Remember the mutation?
Kim: ..., Uh..., Wow. That's kinda..., I don't know.
Shego: Sick and wrong?
Kim: No, it's WrongSick. Epic WrongSick.
Shego: Yeah. Then there was the fact that his vine kept trying to grope me. He swears it acts according to its own desires, but still. At least the meal was good. Did you know he actually has a degree from the American Culinary Institute? Graduated with top marks. It was all candle light and roses, a bottle of wine from the year I was born, I mean, he made it really nice, but..., I don't know. If he was a girl, I'd've been all over that, but I like my men more..., manly.
Kim: Wait, you're...uh...
Shego: You didn't know? Anyway, I shared, your turn, and don't skimp on the bruisings!
Kim: Hold on! No, I didn't know. You're gay?
Shego: No! I like both, that makes me bi, Cupcake, not gay.
Kim: (sotto)Speaking of awk-weird..., (normal) Okay. So, Dementor had come up with this plan to extort millions out of rich, influential people. He traveled back in time and used this ray that removes inhibitions. Problem is, it's gender specific, so it's only effective on estrogen based biological forms, i.e., women. He got a couple of débutantes, noted heiresses, up and coming actresses, the daughters of a politician, and was going to ransom the cure. So far, I've only been able to cure one or two, but we busted Dementor, and Wade is working on a way to reverse it for the rest. The machine is gone, though.
Shego: Nuh-uh, I said details. You have to describe the battles! Also, I need names, you can't just tease a girl like that, well, unless you tie her up first! (chuckle)
Kim: Okay. Laura and Jenna, Paris...
"Heh. Sorry (gasp) sorry, (gulp) about that, Kim," Ron panted out. "First time, and all." He rolled over, running a hand through his matted, sweaty hair, trying to get control of his breathing. Kim rested a hand on his heaving chest, while flipping her own matted locks over her shoulder. They were together in her rebuilt room, with her father studying alien artifacts, and her mother pulling a double at the hospital. Luckily even the tweebs were out, they had finally stopped hiding their various talents, and were helping their father with the alien technologies.
"'S'okay. (Gasp) I'm...whew...I'm sure that you'll do better next time. I'm just glad you're here." Suddenly, her phone rang.
Kim: (Out of breath) What's the Sitch?
Shego: Oh! You sound out of breath. You just get back, or something; I can call back...
Kim: No, no, hold on just a second...(sotto) Ron, give me a second, okay? It's a, well, it's a good friend, 'kay? Yeah, love you too. (kissing noises) (normal) I'm back.
Shego: Okay, you've got to share. I didn't catch all of that, who was that?
Kim: Who do you think? Ron. We were just...uh...working out.
Shego: Working out? Ron? What do you mean...oh. Oh, God! Oh! The images...I...I need a drink, a strong drink...I might be sick...
Kim: Uh, that's my boyfriend you're talking about.
Shego: Yeah, never did get that. I mean, really, what do you see in him?
Kim: What do you mean? He's sweet, loyal, affectionate...
Shego: So's a puppy, Sweetheart, but you don't date a puppy, well, maybe DNAmy, but no one normal does.
Kim: Shego! Be nice! He's also brave, truthful, energetic...
Shego: ...and his coat is shiny, he's playful, oh, and he's housebroken!
Shego: Fine, fine. So, no missions?
Kim: No. Any more inventions go boom?
Shego: No, he managed to perfect one, in fact! He calls it a multi-energy phase inverter. No idea what it does, but he says it has limitless applications. God, I know I'm gonna regret this...,what's he like..., you know.
Kim: Huh? Oh, you mean..., well, he's..., I'm sure he'll get better with practice.
Shego: Well, teach the boy, silly!
Kim: Well, you see..., about that..., you see...,
Shego: You don't mean..., oh my God! He's your first! Oh, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy! You know what happens when you get two first timers making it, don't you? A bad first time. Okay, this should help, Princess, you see, there's this thing, a brand new invention, called the internet! You can go there, and get tips, and all sorts of things!
Shego: Yeah, Kimmy-kins?
Kim: Eat me.
Shego: Nuh-uh. You just told me where you'd been. (raucous laughter)
Kim: So, did you just call to give me a hard time, Shego, or did you want to talk about something?
Shego: Well, isn't it Ron's job to give...,
Kim: Good-bye, Shego...,
Shego: Okay, okay, wait! I'm sorry. Actually, maybe you can help me out with something.
Kim: Whoa, you sound serious, what's wrong?
Shego: Well, it's...,okay, listen, this honestly isn't a dig, but..., why are you with Ron?
Kim: (exasperated) Shego!
Shego: No, really. You see..., I'm having troubles with Drew. I mean, yeah, I care for him, and he's really sweet, but..., he just doesn't do it for me...,
Kim: Hey! What's the sitch?
Shego: Okay, have you ever thought of getting a new catch phrase, 'cause after the first one to two hundred times, that gets really annoying.
Kim: Shego! How're..., you know, this'd be a lot easier if I could call you every once in a while.
Shego: Ye-ah, about that. Good luck. Drak..., I mean, Drew, is still getting used to not being wanted. This number bounces off of about fifty other random international numbers, and at least three communications satellites, making it totally untraceable. I don't even know if you could call it.
Kim: Wow. That's kind of cool, but yeah, I should be able to. After all, Wade has something like that going on, and I can call him. Speaking of Drakken...,
Shego: Drew. He's turned over a new leaf, and is Drew Lipsky..., Wow! That's a dorky name..., Drew Lipskey again.
Kim: Fine. Speaking of Drew, how are things going between you two?
Shego: Well..., Drew is sweet, romantic, in incredible shape for his age, smart, and attentive!
Kim: Great! Sounds like...,
Shego: And I find him about as appetizing as a plain baked potato.
Kim: Oh! Wow, that sucks.
Shego: Yeah. So, have things gotten better between you and the sidekick?
Kim: A little better, unfortunately, Dad has a parental block on the net...,
Shego: Hello? Your own pet super-genius?
Kim: (laughing) That's a little private to go asking Wade about, Shego.
Shego: Just threaten him with complaining to his mom about the videos.
Kim: What videos?
Shego: Wow. You are innocent, Princess. He's a twelve year old boy, yes?
Kim: Yeah, but...,
Shego: And, you are a smoking hot Cheerleader, right?
Kim: Well, wait, you think I'm smok...,
Shego: Come on, think! He's probably using that "Kim"-municator of yours to record you naked, and spanking it like crazy.
Kim: Okay, first of all..., ewww! Second, Wade wouldn't..."Love Ray". Oh, he's so dead!
Shego: (laughing) Kim, take it easy, he's a twelve year old boy, all of them are like that. Now, back to my problem.
Kim: Thanks, so nice of you to be concerned.
Shego: Your problem will go away with time and practice, plus, hello, you can still teach him a few things.
Kim: Uh, hello? I have the same amount of experience as he does.
Shego: Uh, self experimentation much? Use that to teach him.
Kim: Self exper..., oh! Uh, that's kinda dirty.
Shego: Fine, you experiment, and later I'll spank you for it, okay, Sweety?
Shego: Anyway, back to my problem. What do I do about Drew and me?
Kim: Why ask me? Hello, first relationship much?
Shego: Yeah, join the club.
Shego: All I've had was one night stands, oh, and a boyfriend who broke up with me when I turned green.
Kim: Oh..., I'm sorry, that had to...,
Shego: It was a long time ago, no big. Anyway, we're in the same boat as far as both of us are on our first serious relationship, so, make with the help and support...,
Kim tossed her baggage in the corner, and groaned as she sat on the bed. Gah! I hate jet lag. I feel wrung out. Just gonna' sit here, for a minute, and rest. Just a..., the phone rang, an hour later. ... minute! Huh?!
Kim: (mumbling) Hello?
Kim: (more alert) Shego? What's up?
Shego: Not a lot..., listen, is this a bad time? I can...,
Kim: No, jet-lag is just kicking my butt. Had to crack a corporate espionage case in Nipon, uh, I mean, Japan, took like a week. That's why you caught me napping at noon. Let me grab a cola (sounds of rummaging, a "pop-hiss") okay, you need to talk?
Shego: I can't do it. I mean, I love him as a friend, even a father figure, but..., Kim, I can't make the thing with Drew work.
Kim: Whoa. This is heavy, hold on a moment. (sotto) Wade, yeah. Direct all calls for missions to G.J., okay? Any personal calls, take a message, and tell 'em I'll call 'em back. Please and thank you! (normal) Have you talked to Dra..., Drew about this?
Shego: No! Hello?! Unstable genius I live with? He might decide to re-write my brain, or he might go evil again, hell, he might attack me and force me to vaporize one of the few friends I've got.
Kim: (sotto) I can't believe I'm about to say this. (normal) You've got to trust him. That's what all relationships are about, friendship, or other.
Shego: There's more. I..., I might be interested in someone else.
Kim: Oh! Well..., I'd hold off on telling him that, or acting on it, for a while.
Shego: But, Kimmy, they're so..., right. They're brave, and beautiful, smart, strong, and..., oh my God, I've fantasized about them for a while, and now..., now they're dating a..., a..., a clown who more than likely doesn't even realize how lucky..., anyway, I've got no idea how to tell them, or Drew, and..., I just wanna get drunk and hope things look better in the morning.
Kim: Tell you what, Korea, drinking age is "Can you reach the bar"? Meet me there, we'll have one or two, and only one or two, and work this out, 'kay?
Shego: I'm on my way.
A horrible, loud, no, deafening sound filled her room. Someone had filled her neck and shoulders with barbed wire and broken glass, and something foul had died in her mouth. Oh, God, who's putting on a heavy metal concert in my head? She opened an eye, Bad mistake, bad mistake! It felt like the light was searing acid burning through her eyes and eating into her brain. The horrible thing sounded again. She reached out and snatched up the phone.
Kim: Go away and let me die in peace, whoever you are.
Shego: :laughing: You aren't dying, Kim, you're just hung over.
Kim: Then you're mutating me, nothing human could feel this bad, and live.
Shego: I'm sorry, Pumpkin, I didn't know Soju would hit you so hard.
Kim: God, how'd I get home, last night?
Shego: My hover-craft..., you don't remember?
Kim: I remember having something called an "H-bomb", and us singing "Sisters are Doing It For Themselves", the rest of the evening is a blur.
Shego: Well, you challenged me to a sparring match in your back yard, and you also drunk dialed Ron...,
Kim: :groan: Is it possible to die of humiliation?
Shego: Not without that pollen...,
Kim: :weakly chuckling: I nearly forgot about that, one of you and Dra..., Drew's schemes that nearly worked.
Shego: Your mom was kinda steamed, though...,
Kim: Mom! Oh, nononono!
Shego: Yeah, I'm not sure she believed me when I told her we'd just fought a super-villianess named "Soul Jewel", but she said she'd talk to you later today. I told her you'd been hit by a mild neuro-toxin. Luckily, NBC effects mimic intoxication pretty closely. I'm just worried about what she's gonna' think about your umbrella stand.
Kim: The umbrella...,
Shego: You whoopsied in it...,
Shego: Hello?! Who is this, how'd you get this num...,
Kim: Whoa! Over-dramatic much? It's me, Kim.
Shego: Kimmy? How'd...,
Kim: Wade. I figured you'd be calling in a couple of minutes, so I decided to save you the trouble, oh, and the trauma of hearing what you called my "catch phrase".
Shego: (laughing) Wow, even on the straight and narrow, I get busted by Kim Possible!
Kim: I can do anything...,
Shego: Except hold your liquor!
Kim: Ugh! Don't remind me. I'm still grounded for that. No dates, no leaving the house except for missions. I can't even have friends over, unless they're picking me up for missions.
Shego: Oh! Poor baby, and this is my fault...,
Kim: Please! As if! You didn't threaten me or my family if I didn't go drinking with you, in fact it was my idea. Now, how'd things work out with the break-up?
Shego: Well, he cried, begged, moped, got angry, tried to bargain, and now he's finally accepting. I've suggested that I move out. Luckily, I still have a few dozen accounts off the Cayman Islands, and in Switzerland. I'm..., comfortable.
Kim: Aaand, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.
Shego: Fine, I'll have it laundered and put back into the US, that way I'll at least pay taxes on it. Happy, now?
Shego: Yes, Princess?
Kim: Just..., just stop, please?
Kim discovered something during the long conversation. Even outside of a physical fight, Shego could still get some good jabs in.
Shego: Kimmy-kins! Calling to welcome me to my new...,
Ron: Uhhh, actually, it's me.
Shego: Oh. The sidekick.
Ron: Yeah, nice to hear from you, too. Listen, I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Dr. Lipsky, and it's cool that you and Kim are hanging out. I'm sure you two are great friends.
Ron: :sigh: God, this is weird. I always pictured this conversation going on between me and a sports super-star, or a douche with a guitar and soulful eyes. Listen, can we meet, and talk face to face. I can understand that unlike those two examples, you actually have feelings for her, which I respect. You pick the place.
Shego: Okay. There's this place around the corner from my house here in Upperton. It's a Greek place, meet me there.
Ron walked into the restaurant nervously. Ah, man! Why couldn't it have been a big, popular jock, or some douche with a guitar? It had to be someone who might actually have...feelings for her. Rufus, sensing his friend's distress, ran up his clothing to stand on Ron's shoulder, and pat his neck sympathetically. Suddenly, the young man seemed to reach some sort of decision, and squared his shoulders. He approached the host. "I'm supposed to be meeting a Ms. Go, here?"
"Please, this way...,"
What am I doing here? Shego wondered. Well, you're meeting with the mystically enhanced boyfriend of the incredible woman who you're in love with, what do you think you're doing here? She released deep sigh. There, she'd said it. Even if it was to herself, she was in love. If he tells me to back off, Mystical Monkey Powers or not, I'm gonna' fry him! Suddenly, she saw him walking in, with that gross pink thing he kept in his pocket. Possibly the luckiest man on Earth, all things considered.
"Your seat, sir," the host said.
"Thank you my good man! I'll have an order of stuffed grape leaves as an appetizer, followed by a salad, and the roast lamb for a main course. I'll finish it off with some baklava and ouzo."
"Did I say ouzo? I meant coffee. And some Sprite to drink."
"Make that two! Wouldn't want to forget Rufus!" Shego looked at him, impressed, despite herself, at how well he'd ordered. For a few minutes the two sat and stole glances at each other, both uncomfortable. "Lot easier when we were trying to beat each other up, huh?"
Shego laughed despite herself, "You don't know the half of it. What do you want, and before you ask, I'm not backing off!"
Ron smiled, "Good! I don't want you to!"
Both Shego and Rufus looked at him as if he'd blown a gasket, and asked simultaneously, "Excuse me?!"
"I don't want you to. Relationships are about trust, Shego. I trust KP. I trust her enough to risk losing the most important and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. If I told you to back off, I wouldn't be trusting her, or respecting the fact that you aren't after just a roll in the hay, you actually have feelings for her. If she does return those feelings, so be it, but if you hurt her...," suddenly a blue flare of energy surrounded him, then winked off, "... I'll do things that most super villains would find WrongSick." Shego sat staring at him for a minute, in stunned silence. "Now, how do we broach this with KP, and go about repairing your friendship with Dr. D.?"
Kim: Hey, what's the..., haps?
Shego: (laughing) Oh, yeah, that sounded natural.
Kim: Shego! Guess who's no longer grounded?!
Shego: I know! That's why I wanted to invite you and...and Ron to my house for a housewarming party.
Kim: That's great! He told me you two had dinner together. I shouldn't be getting jealous, should I?
Shego: (coughing and sputtering) Jea.. Jealou..., what do you mean?
Kim: Uhhh, that's weird. You aren't trying to steal my boyfriend, are you?
Shego: ..., Stea..., (raucous laughter)... Oh, Kimmy! That's..., God! I needed that. No. But he is an incredible guy. He fixed my friendship with Drew, and gave me some good advice.
Kim: Really? About what?
Shego: Well...I'll tell you at the party.
Ron was slowly working himself into a lather. His thoughts chased themselves continually, not leaving him time to sleep, damaging his video game activities, it had even..., robbed him of his appetite! Maybe I should call her..., but if she wanted to talk, wouldn't she have called me..., but since she hasn't, I should call her..., AAAACK! This is getting me nowhere. I need advice..., yeah, that's good, advice..., but from who..., maybe..., no..., yeah, right..., oh! I know!
Monique: Thank you for calling Club Banana, Monique speaking, how can I help you?
Ron: Mo', tell me I didn't make the most stupid mistake of my life.
Monique: Ron! Why? What mistake...
Ron: (sigh) It's like this Kim and Sego have been calling each other, and hanging out, and getting really close, right? Well, I occured to me that Shego..., well, Shego might be falling for my girl, but I wanted to trust her, let her decide. I helped Shego repair her friendship with Drakken, and then set up a housewarming party for Shego. So, we went to the apartment, and had a bottle of wine..., actually, Shego had most of the wine, I think she was more nervous than I was, and after a tour, some tunes, and everyone dancing together, she pulled together most of her courage...I swear, it looked like she was about to face War-Monga and War-Hok by herself, and she told KP that she wanted to start dating her, that she'd wanted to for a while, but there was the age thing, and the criminal thing, and then the boyfriend thing, but she had to take this chance. Kim looked a lot like...I don't know, I've never seen her look like that. She just kinda froze. Then Shego said, "Please, say something, anything, Princess," and then looked like she might start crying, and Kim said she needed some time to think, and then asked if I had known anything about this. I told her that I did, and since I trusted her, I was leaving it up to her. She just walked out, and now I'm wondering if I've done something so cataclysmically stupid as to make GW look like Stephen Hawking.
Monique: ... Wow. I..., I don't know what to tell you, Ron-man. Maybe you should talk to your parents about this...
Ron: Monique, they stopped taking my calls when I was stuck at Camp Wannaweep, I have a little trouble trusting them with big stuff.
Monique: Don't you have anyone older and wiser you can get good advice from?
Ron: ... We-ell, one group, but..., it'd be kinda awk-weird.
Monique: No offense boy, but this is way above my pay-grade. Like I'd tell KP, I love ya' but I've got nothin'. I don't care how awk-weird it is, go to them, they might be able to help.
Dr. Anne Possible: Possible residence, Anne speaking.
Ron: Mrs. Dr. P.? Hi, this is...,
Dr. A. P.: Ronald! I don't think Kim's home, right now...,
Ron: No, I mean..., I called to talk to you, Dr. P., if you don't mind.
Dr. A. P.: Oh. Oh..., are you and Kimmy-cub having problems? Is that why she's been so quiet?
Ron: About that..., heh, kind of a funny story...,
Ron: ... so that's the taleandpleasedon'thatemeIthoughtthatwasbest.
Dr. A. P.: ...
Ron: Dr. P?... Did we get disconnected... Dr. P?
Dr. A. P.: Uh..., wow. That's..., you kind of caught me by surprise, there, Ronald.
Ron: So, it was stupid. I should have known better, oh, man! And now you hate me too...,
Dr. A. P.: Ronald! No, I don't hate you, I practically raised you like one of my own kids, I couldn't hate you. No, what you did wasn't stupid, in fact, it showed surprising maturity, the execution was sloppy, but, still, I'm actually proud of you. So, you think...,
Ron: I don't know what I think. I just know Kim's been incommunicado, Rufus has zero advice, and you're about the only person I can think of that might give me the old wisdom and caring thing in this situation. So..., could you please make with the wisdom and caring thing?
Dr. A. P.: Ronald, what you did was selfless, and shows you love, trust, and want what's best for Kim, but right now, you need to do the hardest thing in the world...,
Ron: ... figure out why my pants keep falling down at the worst possible moments?
Dr. A. P.: Wait for Kim to figure out what she wants.
Monique: This is Monique, talk to me!
Kim: Hey, Mo'. It's me, Kim.
Monique: KP! What up, girlfriend?
Kim: (sighs) A lot. When did life get so complicated?
Monique: Ah. This is about what Ron called about, huh?
Kim: Ron called you?
Monique: Yup. He was wiggin'. Wanted to be told he didn't make a mistake, sounded like he was chasin' his own tail. Talk to Momma' Mo', girlfriend, tell me what's happenin'.
Kim: Well, I guess you heard about the party. I've thought and thought, even gone out on a few dates with both of them, and can't figure out what I want. Plus, Dad's been a little wigged out.
Monique: Your Dad..., why?
Kim: Well, he had a friend of his get injured in the Stonewall Riots back in the 60's, and he doesn't want his daughter to face that kind of thing. I tried telling him that times have changed, but he says that with Proposition 8, and everything, they haven't changed that much. My mom's supportive, though. She says to follow my heart, but my heart doesn't know what it wants.
Monique: Well, which one makes you feel more special?
Kim: They both do! It's a little annoying that it took someone else wooing me for Ron to bring out his A-game, but, still. The other night, he arranged for us to go on a picnic on a mountain in Japan, and watch the sunset. Shego, she brings me to the trendiest nightclubs and dance bars...if I could combine the two of them, I'd have the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. I love both of them, and they both love me.
Monique: Okay, what's it like when they kiss you?
Kim: Mo'! That's kind of private.
Monique: So we can figure out who you should date.
Kim: Fine. Ron is..., well, complicated. When he kisses you, at first it's gentle, and sweet, and then, he slowly builds up the passion, until finally it steals your breath, and leaves you shaking and weak in the knees. Shego, though..., she's more direct and forceful. Her kisses start out with earth shaking passion, and escalate from there, almost challenging you to keep up, until your heart nearly bursts from it. So..., what do you think?
Monique: ... I think I need a new significant other.
Kim: Mo'! This is serious!
Monique: So am I! Can I have which ever one you don't want?
Kim: Hey, what's the sitch?
Monique: Hey, KP! I've thought about your problem, and what you said about loving both of them, and them loving you, and I think I might have a solution!
Kim: If it doesn't involve sharing one or both of them with you, I'm all ears.
Monique: Ha-ha. She saves the world, and still finds time for stand-up. You interested, or do you just wanna heap more abuse on your friend?
Kim: I'm sorry, Mo. What's the idea you have?
Monique: Well, I did a web-search on threesomes, and love triangles. After I turned on my porn filter, I tried it again. By the way, Japanese people are f*cked up! Anyway, I found something weird. You ever hear of William Moulton Marston?
Kim: No, should I have?
Monique: Okay, I know Ron is a comics geek, you know who Wonder Woman is?
Kim: Even if you aren't a comics geek, you know who that is. What does a comic book character have to do with my problems?
Monique: Well, this Marston guy invented her, and the lie detector, but, more importantly, he was, like, the first famous polyamorist ever! He had a stable relationship with his wife, Elizabeth Holloway Marston and their lover, Olive Byrne! I'd have to double check, but I think he even had another husband for all of them.
Kim: ... So...,
Monique: Look, you love both of them, right? They both love you, right? I'm willing to bet Ron, at least, could learn to love Shego, since she's so much like you, and who can't help falling a little bit for Ron? He's a lot like a puppy, eager, lovable, and a little goofy. It just might work, as long as all of you keep from getting all jeal-y!
Kim: Just so I can make sure you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting...you want me to see if I can have a relationship with Shego and Ron, and also to see if I can set the two of them up with each other?
Monique: That nicely summarizes it, pretty much.
Kim: I'm not sure if that's genius, or pure madness...
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be traveling on now
There's too many places I've got to be...,
The phone rang, interrupting the mellow music. Shego set aside the water pipe, and, coughing, picked up the intrusion
Shego: (music playing in the background, Shego coughing) Hello?
Ron: Hi, it's me, Ron.
Shego: Oh, joy! Just who I wanted to talk to.
Ron: Are you ever not sarcastic?
Shego: Spit it out, sidekick! I'm trying to relax, and think about the insanity our girlfriend is suggesting.
Ron: I know. I'm tryin' to decide if that makes me Rumi, or Rikk.
Shego: Whatsit or whosit? No, never mind, don't explain; I'm sure it'll just eat some more into the mellow I'm trying to obtain. What do you want?
Ron: To talk about the suggestion, and if you think it stands a chance. I can call back after you get done on Guitar Hero, though, if you want.
Shego: Huh? Oh! No, I'm listening to "Freebird", not..., (sigh) come on over, we'll talk. And bring about ten of those Nacos, and something for yourself and the rat.
Ron: You know, he and I both have names, Shego.
Shego: Fine, Ronald, bring over food for all of us, Roofie, or what ever his name is, included.
Wade: Hey, Kim! What can I do for you?
Kim: We have new additions to Team Possible! Dra..., Dr. Lipskey is going to be working with you making gadgets, just, well, double check his work and remove any bugs he misses, and get Shego some gear.
Wade: Wait! Whoa! Drakken and Shego?! Have you flipped your lid?!
Kim: No, I haven't. This will give Drew something to occupy his time and keep his mind away from world domination, and...,well, here's another weird request. Team Ron and Shego up on missions, and give me separate missions.
Wade: Uh, why?
Kim: To let them get to know each other, and come to trust and rely on each other. Maybe they can get closer to each other.
Wade: I guess I can do that, but I still think that maybe you've cracked while preparing for college.
She could not remember ever being so angry, and not putting a hurting on someone. It felt like her brain was on fire..., all she wanted to do was burn. I can not fraggin' believe that boy! she thought, having to consciously force down her plasma. At times like this, it wanted to flare up, and start destroying things, almost as if it had a will of its own. Finally, since she couldn't fry the source of the irritation, she decided to call and vent some of it at its source.
Shego: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, SIDEKICK?!?!!
Ron: Hi, Shego.
Shego: Don't "Hi, Shego", me! What the hell was that?!
Ron: What was what, Shego?
Shego: There I was, saying, "Use your 'Mystical Monkey Power, Ron!'" and you were refusing to! That's what!
Ron: I don't wanna talk about it right now.
Shego: Well, that's just too damn bad, because we're gonna talk about it!
Ron: Shego, I really don't want...,
Shego: Why the hell didn't you...,
Ron: I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH, OKAY?!!
Shego: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH"?!
Ron: I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO FACE KILLING SOMEONE AGAIN, OKAY?! I WON'T DO IT!
Ron: I just can't..., every time I start to use my powers in a fight, I see..., I..., I see War-Monga's and War-Hok's faces, as they flew towards their ship. Even though I've never seen them before, I see their families waiting for them, not knowing that they aren't coming back, because of me, I'm...I'm just not strong enough to deal with that again. So scream at me all you want, because I'm not going through that again, so just deal with it.
Shego: Oh, Ron..., listen..., they, they were gonna kill Kim if you didn't...,
Ron: Yeah, I know. That's the only reason I can sleep at night, but it still..., eats at you, you know?
Shego: Okay. We're gonna practice. You're gonna learn to use your powers, so you don't have to kill with them. That way, you won't accidentally kill with them. Come over to my place, I'll set up some mats.
Ron: I don't know...
Shego: That wasn't a request. Be over here ASAP, or else!
Dr. Drew Lipsky: Hello?
Shego: Hi, Drew.
Dr. Lipsky: Shego! How are things?
Shego: :sigh: Fine, how's your work coming along?
Dr. Lipsky: Shego, don't BS, me. You don't sigh when things are fine. Talk to me.
Shego: Well..., it's not important...,
Dr. Lipsky: I'll be the judge of that. Talk to me.
Shego: Well...It's about Ron.
Dr. Lipsky: Ron..., Ron..., Oh! The buffoon! The one who always loses his pants.
Shego: (laughing) That would be him. It's just..., is it weird I'm actually feeling guilty about trying to horn in on his relationship with Kim?
Dr. Lipsky: Why are you feeling guilty?
Shego: He's..., he's actually scarred from killing those two giant aliens, yet, I get the idea that he would again, if it meant protecting Kim. I'm not sure I would.
Dr. Lipsky: Of course you wouldn't, Shego. You're stronger than that.
Shego: ... Excuse me? Could you explaine that, please?
Dr. Lipsky: (sighs) It's like this: You are used to dealing with destructive passions everyday of your existence. You wake up annoyed, eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner either annoyed, or enraged, go to sleep annoyed, and more than likely have angry dreams. You are used to containing, or releasing in focused bursts, this anger. The buffoon, on the other hand, is as used to dealing with rage as a monkey is used to dealing with a particle accelerator. In both cases the likelihood of a catastrophic, explosive meltdown are so high as to be terrifying. You are too strong to kill wantonly, instead, you'd disable, maybe hospitalize, said threat, and go on with your life. You. Are. Stronger. Of course you wouldn't kill, you wouldn't allow yourself to kill. That's not a sign of weakness on your part, or strength on..., what's his name..., Rob..., Rock..., Ron! Ron Stoppable's part, if anything, it's the opposite. Now, I don't know about this threesome business, in my opinion, if Kim Possible is as smart as we always gave her credit for, she'd realize that my Shego is indeed all that, and dump "Monkey Boy" in a New York Minute for some HLA with you. Now, let me tell you about my new project!
Shego: Thanks, Drew. You know..., I don't deserve a friend like you.
Dr. Lipsky: I know, but sometimes, non-linear mathematic equations are kind. Now, I have this hypnotic lip gloss that works...
Ron sighed, as he entered his messy room, taking off his orange Smarty-Mart vest. He felt wrung out, between the daily sparring sessions, soothing Shego's volotile temper, and now putting in some serious over time. All he really wanted to do was pass out, and maybe dream of Kim. Yeah, right, as tired as I am, I wouldn't even be able to do anything in my dreams. He flopped down on the bed, when suddenly the phone rang. He debated for a minute, sleep, or phone, but decided to pick it up, on the off chance it was Kim.
Shego: You didn't make our sparring session, tonight.
Ron: Shego! Yeah, sorry about that; I had to work some overtime at the Smarty-Mart.
Shego: Okay, I have to ask, why do you work there?
Ron: What do you mean?
Shego: Well, you've really come a long way in mastering your monkey mojo, you're not exactly stupid, surely there's something else you could be doing. Maybe a culinary degree, or something else.
Ron: I enjoy the Smarty-Mart. Why did you work for Drakken, when you'd be better suited for taking over the world?
Shego: Fair enough, but we're talking about you, not me.
Ron: (sigh) Fine, but you've got to swear you won't tell anyone else.
Shego: Oooo-kay. I swear.
Ron: Where do you see yourself ten..., nah, tell you what, five years from now?
Shego: I don't know. I mean, before, I was always looking at the chance of being put into a super-max, now, I face psychos who might kill me..., all..., the..., ti..., oh!
Ron: Yeah. Now add a chaotic schedule to college courses. I barely pulled through high-school, and I'm not a genius like Kim. Luckily, I've still got checks coming in from Bueno Nacho, Dad has them going to a trust fund, so, really the Smarty-Mart is just something to keep me from going crazy in between missions. Well, that, and..., I like helping people. I make it possible for everyone to find all the great deals that we have to offer!
Shego: Wait! You're still getting Naco money?
Ron: Yeah. After the first check, my dad took control and put the money into trust. Wait..., you thought it was just the one..., you do know they still sell Nacos, don't you? Anyway, the bosses at Smarty-Mart, especially since we've saved the store a few times, thanks for that, by the way, let me take off for missions. Anyway, as a thanks for helping me with the powers thing, how about we go out?
Shego: Uh..., I don't know...,
Ron: No more Chuck-E-Cheeses, or JP Bearymores. I realized that was a bad idea when you threatened to burn every anthropomorphic animal there, and then me. No, I was thinking we could go to a dance club, then this restaurant that specializes in molecular gastronomy.
Shego: ..., That..., that actually sounds good.
Ron: Great! Uh, just one thing..., could you..., well..., teach me how to dance?
Kim was crawling through an air duct, occasionally disabling some trip wire or computerized sensor system, or other anti-personell device, when her watch went off. With out looking, she activated it, while keeping a move on.
Kim: (whispering) Hey, Wade, what's the sitch?
Shego: Uh, not Wade. Bad time?
Kim: (still whispering) Shego! Nah, I can talk. I haven't reached the secure room, yet, and the Kimmunicator is on a shielded tight beam transceiver.
Shego: Impressive! Pumpkin, I still have to ask...what do you see in him?!
Kim: (laughing) Shego!
Shego: No, really! I mean, okay, he's a lot cooler than I, or anyone else, gave him credit for, and he's actually kinda' deep...but...really, I don't get it.
Kim: Wait..., Ron..., deep?
Shego: You didn't know? Yeah, way deep.
Kim: Hmmm. Could you give me...
Shego: No. I gave my word.
Kim: Oooo-kay. Well, it's like this...he's...Ron. To get Ron, you have to work on understanding...hold on, disabling a sensor grid, here...okay, understanding Tao, and the principle of Wu We, or effortless achievement. Let me tell you a story my Sifu told me that helped me understand Ron a little better, and even saved my life. It goes like this: Once, some students of Confucius were on the banks of a river, and across from them, they saw a great Taoist master, his name escapes me, right now, taking his evening stroll. Suddenly, the Master slipped, and fell into the river. Before the students could reach him, he'd been swept into the rapids. As they watched in horror, he shot through the rocks of the rapids, and out over the waterfall, in about the same amount of time it takes to tell it. Dispirited, the students decided to go to the base of the cliff to at least retrieve the body, so as to return it to his family for a proper burial, but, when they had made their way down, they saw, much to their surprise, the Master climbing out of the river, soaked, but none the worse for wear. "Master!" they cried in surprise, "How is it that you survived such an ordeal?!"
"Simple," the Master said, "Rather than fight the water, I trusted it to take me where I needed to go."
Shego: ...I think I get it. So...you're saying that Ron's...
Kim: An unconscious master of Taoist Philosophy. That, and Monkey Style. Like another Chinese friend told me, "The wise monkey makes you laugh at his antics, and when you turn your back on him, he bites you in the butt". Gotta' go, this room has vibration sensors, and even through an earpiece, your voice might set them off.
She couldn't sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, visions of death rays, or mutant creatures from nightmares, or one of a thousand and one horrors assaulted her brain. She couldn't even drown them with the bourbon she was drinking like water...all because of him. Stupid boy! He had to bring my attention to it! She closed her eyes again, and saw a hand sprouting from a freshly cauterized wound, bringing a gasp from her. Since he caused it, he can help with it!
Shego: Hi, Ron. You know, you shuck.
Ron: Ahhh, I see this phone call is going to skip polite talk, and go straight to the abuse. Not even a "How ya' doin'?" just to change things up for once? :sigh: Why do I suck?
Shego: Ever since you talked about why you work for Smarty-Mart, I've been going nuts when Kim is on a mission. One errant Death Ray, or poison dart...you shuck!
Ron: Yeah. I've been going nuts, too, since KP decided to have us team up so we could get to know each other. Surely you realized, though, how dangerous this hero stuff was, though, right? I mean, you used to be a hero.
Shego: Knowing and actually thinking about it are two dif-rent amina...animals. Where's Pumpkin at right now, anyway?
Ron: Some Baltic Island. Don't worry, it has to do with Triple S. He's the thief type, not a super scientist. Hey, why'd you become a villain, any way?
Shego: Ahhh, you don' wanna hear that.
Ron: Come on, I told you why I work at Smarty-Mart, and you're like, the only person who knows that when I hit twenty-one, I get mad Naco money.
Shego: Fine. I became one because I wanted to. End of story.
Ron: I see. Don't tell me. I don't mind.
Shego: Arrgh! Okay. I realized that all heroes are someone else's villain. That, and I...(sotto) I killed someone.
Shego: There was this kid, must have been you or Kim's age, you know, when I first encountered you? Apparently, he was from a bad home, but still managed to have a good heart, imagine Harry Potter, if Harry was a giant built like a pro-wrestler. Anyway, he saw his girlfriend get assassinated right in front of him, and he snapped. Once again, imagine Rorschach, only with mental issues.
Shego: Exactly. He'd been in martial arts since age five, and he decided to go on a killing spree against the criminals. Real vigilante type, with a stark, black and white philosophy that left no room for compromise. You ever see someone after an Eskrima move called "Body of Water" is performed on them? Or for that matter, when, instead of sticks, a katana and wakizashi is used? We hunted him down, and he refused to surrender, but he also refused to kill us, as we were heroes. Instead, during the battle, he...he tricked Hego into knocking him into one of my attacks, a plasma powered punch. It went right through his back...for a second it I couldn't figure out why he was so close, or why he had a hand growing out of his chest...he looked at me, pulled off his mask, and whispered..."gotcha". I realized something, all heroes are someone else's villain. That, and eventually, all heroes end up dead. Heroes play by rules, including non-lethality, villains can choose to ignore that, which means it's safer to be a villain. I couldn't stand by and watch Wego put in that kind of danger, but I couldn't force them off the team, either, so..., I left. Damn. I need company, right now, so get your scrawny butt over here. You're going to cheer me up.
Shego woke up, with strong, slender arms wrapping around her. She also felt what seemed to be an iron rod pressing against her lower back. The details from the night before flashed through her brain, making her smile. Monkey-butt actually is kinda' sweet. Hmmn. I bet I know how he'd like to wake up. She rolled over, and looked at his face as his eyes opened. "Hello, Monkey Master," she said, smiling at him. She then rolled her hips against the hardness she felt, giggling at the gasp of surprise from him, at least, until he sprang up, and started hurridly pulling on his pants.
"Uhhh, I really, wow, it's late! School! Gotta..., don't wanna be late for school! Heh! Rufus! Gotta..., 'bye!" With that, the blond youth ran from her apartment.
"...but it's summer...and you graduated?"
Dr. Anne Possible: Possible residence, Anne speaking.
Dr. A. P.: Hello?
Shego: Um...Hello. Uh...this is...that is...uh...Hi, I'm Shego.
Dr. A. P.: Oh! Uh...Kimmy's out on a mission, right now...
Shego: Uh...that's kind of why I called. You see, I needed to talk to someone, and Drew would be weird, 'cause we dated, my folks are dead, Hego is an idiot, and, well, Kimmy always says you give the best advice.
Dr. A. P.: Oh! Well...okay. I'd be honored, I guess.
Shego: I'm sorry, this is weird. I know you don't want to talk to the person who used to fight your daughter all the time, and who's now dating her. I'll...I don't know, hire a shrink or...
Dr. A. P.: Shego! Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong.
Shego: Ron. He's...do you have any idea how confusing that boy can be?!
Dr. A. P.: :laughing: Some. What this time?
Shego: Well, it's like this...
Shego: ...so, I get drunk, to take my mind off of it, and end up calling him to complain. He brings up my past, asks my reasons for going criminal, which depresses me further, and I tell him to come over to cheer me up. I was thinking that if nothing else, a good roll in the...any way, we end up talking, and then he holds me all night. No groping, no fondling, nothing!
Dr. A. P.: Okay, go on.
Shego: That's it! I mean, at first it was sweet, and then when I woke up, I felt him, you know, him against my lower back, so, I turn around, and smile at him, and kind of, you know, rub against him, and he gets this panicked look, like I'd threatened him with my glow! He blushes like he's about to stroke out, stammers something about getting ready for school, and runs out of my apartment like his hair is on fire, and his ass is catching! I mean, did I do something wrong? Did I miss a memo, or something? Kimmy did want me'n'him to get together, didn't she? I know he wanted it, I swear, it felt like he had a piece of steel in his pocket.
Dr. A. P.: Whoo, boy! Images I didn't need, about a kid I helped raise.
Shego: I'm sorry, Uhhh, Dr...Mrs...what do I call you, Kimmy's Mom?
Dr. A. P.: Anne will work just fine, and no need to apologize, they all grow up, some day. I think part of the problem is..., well, Ron is...Ron. Until Kimmy-Cub...
Shego: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. A. P.: What, Kimmy-Cub? That's one of our, James' and mine, little nicknames for her.
Shego: (laughing uproariously) Oh! Oh God! I wish...I wish I'd have known...I wish I'd have known that when we were still fighting...that would've been priceless! Way better than "Princess", or "Pumpkin"! The only thing better would have been something like, "Bubble Butt"! (more laughter, finally tapering off to giggles and hiccups)
Dr. A. P.: And what's wrong with Bubble-Butt?
Shego: (starts to laugh, then stops) Oh! You're serious. Ummm, nothing. It's sweet and...and...and you're annoyed, aren't you?
Dr. A. P.: Any-way...Until Kimmy specifically tells him it's okay, I'm afraid he's going to feel like it's cheating, and won't let himself...you know...consummate your relationship.
Shego: Wait...they still make guys like that?
Dr. A. P.: Yes, occassionally. Mr. Dr. Possible is like that, you know.
Shego: Well, I knew Hego was like that, but, I didn't know any other guy under 40 was. Wow. Guess I should have guessed when he brought Nacos that one night and wanted to know what incense I was burning, when it was...well, never mind. Did you know he's never seen The Wall? Okay, I'll talk to...wow this is going to be weird. I just heard in my head, "Hey, Kimmy, could you please tell your boyfriend it's okay to sleep with me?" How the HELL do I ask her to do that?
Wade: Hey, Ron, what do you need!
Ron: Wade, I need medical transport for two, stat!
Wade: Medical?!...On it! Which two?
Ron: Camille Leon, and Shego.
Wade: Cam..., Ron, what happened?!
Ron: We caught up to her, she was the one behind those art thefts, and, during the chase, she said some stuff about Kim and Shego, called 'em skrags, and all sorts of stuff, talking about what sluts they must be, or desperate to share each other with me. Shego lost it, started beating Camille like a drum...
Wade: Wait...Camille injured Shego?
Ron: No. To keep Shego from permanently harming her, I used this move Dai Sensei taught me, it blows all of the Ki, other than that necessary to keep you alive, from a person's body, knocking 'em out 'til they build it back up, on Shego. In the process, the Ki hit Camille pretty hard. She's got first degree burns over a good chunk of her body, and Shego's out cold.
Wade: Jesus, Ron! Okay, a medi-vac unit's on its way to your location...
Ron: Actually, I think my butt is more like, I don't know, an apple? Nicely rounded, yeah, but still firm...
Shego: Ron. What do you want?
Ron: Ah. Still angry about the whole Ki thing, huh?
Shego: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your Chi blasted out of your body?
Ron: Uh, well...
Shego: It sucks! It also ruined one of my catsuits!
Ron: Would you have preferred if I'd let you permanently maim Camille?!
Shego: :sigh: No. (sotto) Thank you.
Ron: What was that? You mumbled something?
Shego: THANK YOU! Okay? Thank you, I lost it, and you kept me from doing something I'd regret. Now shut up, and if you tell any one I said that...I'll incinerate that pink, naked thing you keep in your pants!
Ron: Rufus. His name is Rufus.
Shego: I know. I wasn't talking about Rufus! Now, how did you learn that?
Ron: Astral travel, getting Dai Sensei to teach me.
Kim: Hey, Wade, what's the sitch?
Wade: Hey, got a hit on site, KP, from Japan! Funny thing is, it's from some spot I've never heard of, and they're asking for the whole field team.
Kim: But...no one knows that there're two teams, now.
Wade: I know. Also, he refers to you as "The Honorable Master Stoppable, the Honorable Mistress Possible, and the Honorable Mistress Vada".
Wade: Yeah, I did a search, and there's someone who matches Shego's description, named Leigh Vada. She went missing around the time Shego went out of the hero biz.
Kim: Hmmm, great info gathering, unearthly respect for Ron, Japanese, mysterious...Yamanouchi!
Ron: Hi, Shego, it's me.
Shego: Monkey-butt! How's the rebuilding going?
Ron: Just fine. We had super villain insurance. Who knew? Listen, I just got off the phone with KP, and was wondering..., you wanna meet at that Greek place with us?
Dr. Lipsky: Hello?
Shego: Hi, Doc. Uhhhh....
Dr. Lipsky: Ah, Shego! Tell me, did the candy work as planned?
Shego: Oh! Yes, yes they did, but that's not what I called about...,
Dr. Lipsky: Out with it, woman! What is it?
Shego: Could you give me away to my husband and wife?