Bumpy Rumpy Tumpty
Summary: Sai did not stop at reading Icha-Icha. He annotated it. He did research on it. He drew theories out of it. When he started using said theories to psychoanalyze people, Yamanaka Ino knew she had to step in, in order to avoid a bloodbath. Gen, InoSai-ish in next chapters.
Disclaimer: I can't figure for the life of me why Kishi hasn't exploited the fun-mine that Sai reading Icha-Icha is. Meh. Finders' keepers, I guess 8D
Also, I must say that I would be lost without my beta. Many thanks to Ken and Brita for helping me with my English.
Settings: This takes place before Pain's attack on Konoha, but after Asuma's death. DrasticVerse compliant, it actually started with one of Naruto's flashbacks in chapter 4. Then Sai ran away with the plot and Icha-Icha books.
Thanks : This is dedicated to Britata348 for being an awesum-possum beta and to all the lovelies over at the InoxSai FC in NF. Keep that boat rocking, peeps.
The waitress was about to snap, Naruto could feel it. He rubbed his scalp in annoyance.
"Sai, come on, you need to decide what kind of shaved ice you want to eat," he muttered, nudging his teammate in the ribs. The dark haired boy was poring intently over the menu, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"But Naruto," Sai protested, "I've never tasted kakigouri before, how can I know what kind I'd like? Macha tea sounds nice, but what about lemon or strawberry? Or grape? I think I could like melon, but I'm not sure. Do I look like a melon-guy to you?"
"Enough with that nonsense," grunted Naruto. Giving the waitress a large smile and doing his best to look cute, he said with forced joviality: "two macha kakigouri cups, please."
He let out a sigh of relief when the waitress left without snapping her pencil in two, like the one at the restaurant had, three hours earlier.
Sai, completely oblivious, nodded appreciatively at his blond teammate. "I get it. So, when someone doesn't know what they like, it is okay to decide for them?"
Naruto rolled his eyes. It was his week to 'babysit' Sai, as Sakura put it, and as much as he liked his teammate, it was hard sometimes. He was about to explain that things don't necessarily work that way, when he was distracted by Kiba walking into the teahouse, his arm slung over a girl's shoulder. The Inuzuka boy greeted Naruto and Sai with a nod before choosing a table in a corner.
"Should we get up and go greet Kiba and Fuse?" asked Sai, his head tilted toward the couple.
"You know her?" asked Naruto, dumbfounded. "I didn't even know Kiba had a girlfriend!"
"Oh yes, Sakura and Ino talk a lot about her and Kiba. They say that-"
"You know what, I don't think I need to know," said Naruto, stopping Sai in mid-sentence. Sai and gossiping could not end well, he was sure of this.
Naruto gazed wistfully at the couple. Having a girlfriend would be nice, he mused. But now was not exactly the best time, what with his training, trying to bring Sasuke back, and playing hide and seek with Akatsuki members. When would he find the time for a girl? More importantly, where would he find a girl? A bunch of civilian men laughing loudly shook him out of his reverie. He shook his head and noticed that the kakigouri cups were already there.
"Wow," he mumbled to himself, "how long did I space out for?"
"6 minutes and 45 seconds," Sai said in a deadpan voice, poking at his ice suspiciously.
"That was a rhetorical question, Sai. And stop poking at that ice, you just have to eat it, you don't need to-"
The wave of killing-intent coming from Kiba instantly shut Naruto up. The boy had obviously been trying to force-feed his girlfriend some ice, seeing as he was still holding the spoon in front of her face, but now his eyes were glued on the civilians, who were still laughing raucously at something. Kiba suddenly threw the spoon on the floor and literally seemed to burst into movement, jumping through the room and landing on the men's table in only two leaps. He seized the biggest one by the scruff of his shirt and hissed: "How dare you speak of her like that, you sick fuck! She's like a sister to me!"
"Yeah, sure, with boobs like that? Sister or not, I'd do her!" said the man, leering at his friends.
Uh-oh, wrong answer, thought Naruto.
"I'll bash your head in, you fucking bastard!"
Naruto watched in horror as Kiba jumped from the table to the man, knocking him on the floor in the process. Kiba had a one-track mind and was a bit of a perfectionist. This had its perks, of course, but that meant that when he decided to beat the living snot out of someone, he was kind of hard to stop. The man's skin broke at the first blow, splattering red blood on the paper decorated shouji.
"You have no right to talk about her that way! I'll kill you, you fucktard!" Kiba bellowed, punching the man repeatedly, the impact noises growing soggier with each blow.
"Shouldn't we stop the fight?"Sai quipped.
Naruto snapped out of his horrified trance and scrambled up to his feet, running toward Kiba, knocking aside tables and chairs in his haste. Naruto had once been on the receiving end of one of Kiba's punches, and that had hurt like hell. Not to mention that Kiba had only been 12 at the time, and that he was now 16, nearly a man. Naruto prayed it wasn't too grabbed his friend and wrenched him away from his target. He had to use all his strength to keep Kiba from breaking free. Sai was already kneeling beside the still man, inspecting him critically. Kiba kept on thrashing in Naruto's grasp, insulting the man copiously: "If you say that kind of stuff about her again, I'll slit your throat open! I swear I will"
"Kiba, calm down! He's just a civilian! You could have killed him!" snapped Naruto.
Kiba broke free from his grasp and spun around, nearly growling. "You stay the hell out of this, Uzumaki! This is a family matter!"
And with a huff he was out of the tea house, his girlfriend running after him. Naruto glanced down at Sai with an inquiring look. His teammate shrugged, stating factually: "He's unconscious but he's okay. No permanent damage, only a broken nose and a shattered jaw. He'll live."
Naruto debated over pointing out to Sai that he was a seasoned fighter who was used to physical pain, but that a broken jaw was no trifle to a normal man. In the end, he decided against it. Instead, he turned toward the group of men and asked, "Okay, so what happened here?"
"Nothing, we were just talking! And that demented guy just went spastic on us!"
"Just talking? Talking about what?" asked Naruto sceptically.
"Nothing special, really!"
"Well," Sai chimed in, ever ready to help, "I believe it had to do with something called 'doggy style', and Inuzuka-san supposedly growing tired of 'doing' his teammate, Hyuuga Hinata, that way."
The men quivered under Naruto's venomous glare. He pointed at the door and stated in a very restrained tone: "You take your buddy to the hospital now, and don't cross my path ever again, or Kiba will be the least of your worries." No one insulted his friends and got away with it, thought Naruto grimly. The men grabbed their unconscious chum and scampered as quickly as they could.
Realizing that Sai was scribbling frantically on his notebook, Naruto scowled. Sai writing down stuff was bad news. He hoped it was not something down the lines of 'Uzumaki N. threatened civilians of death, so it's okay to do so!', because Naruto knew Sakura had a tendency to read Sai's notes when the boy was not looking.
Sai scratched his head with his pen, before looking up at his teammate with his brows furrowed. "Naruto, what is that 'doggy style' thing? Can it counter the byakugan? I've never heard of it, and trust me, I know my fair share of jutsu. Is it an Inuzuka jutsu? A secret one?"
Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose before exhaling slowly. "Not exactly, no."
Two hours later, Naruto was getting desperate. He had never thought his teammate could be so tenacious.
"Sai, stop badgering me about that!"
"But why can't you show me what that doggy-style thing is? I just want to know!"
"Agn," went Naruto, breaking in cold sweat under the outraged glare an old lady had just sent their way. Kyuubi haters were nothing compared to righteous old ladies, he realized. Suddenly, he spotted a shop, and it hit him like a ton of bricks. How could he not have thought about it earlier? There laid his salvation!
"Shut it, Sai, and follow me."
Trailing Sai behind him, Naruto walked into the bookstore, and headed straight for the adult directory. His eyes skimmed over the book rows.
"A, Ka, Sa… Shi… Ji… 'Jizou-sama', no… ah there! 'Jiraiya'!" he exclaimed, spotting the familiar orange books. Racking his brain, Naruto tried to remember in which books that particular position came up. He was pretty sure he had seen it in Icha Icha Paradise and Icha Icha Violence, but he was not sure about Icha Icha Tactics. Oh well, he thought. He grabbed the first two books and thrust them at his teammate.
"You read this, and you'll have your answer."
Sai inspected the books closely before beaming at Naruto. "Thank you very much! At first, I couldn't understand why you refused to answer me, but now I fully appreciate your reaction! I totally agree with you, Naruto: a thorough explanation is the only way to go, and books are great for that. I thank you."
"Whatever, Sai. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" said Naruto, patting his partner on the back.
"No problem! Thank you again! I'll read these seriously!" said Sai, waving him goodbye.
As Naruto went home, he felt proud of himself for solving the situation in such a brilliant way. He decided to treat himself to some ramen, to make his day even better.
Unbeknownst to him, somewhere in Konoha, Sai read on.
"Where is Sai? It's not like him to be late!" huffed Sakura impatiently. She tried to hide it, but Naruto could spot a hint of worry in her voice.
"Oh well you know, maybe something came up and-"
"Here he is!" yelled Sakura, pointing behind Naruto's shoulder.
Naruto turned around, and indeed, Sai was coming down the road, waving cheerfully at them.
"Where have you been Sai?" Sakura snapped, "You're nearly one hour late! You look like something the cat dragged in! What happened to you?" she said, pointing an accusing finger at Sai's rumpled clothes and at his ordinary sleek hair, now sticking out at odd angles from his head. Naruto sighed. Sakura was in full mother-hen mode, and nothing would stop her.
"Oh, that," Sai said, absentmindedly patting at his clothes, "well, forgot to sleep last night."Sakura snorted and started pulling at the lapels of his coat, trying to straighten the fabric with one hand, while tugging at his cowlicks with the other. Naruto let out a short bark of laughter. Sakura was behaving as if Sai was a 5 years old kid! This was priceless.
Unhinged, Sai went on, "You see, I got my hands on a couple of new books, and I got so carried away, I completely lost track of time. I'm really sorry for making you wait like that."
Naruto's smile died on his lips.
"Naruto, I must thank you by the way!" beamed Sai. "A very instructive read, that was."
"Naruto gave you a book to read?" asked Sakura in an incredulous tone, releasing Sai's coat lapels.
The blond shinobi tried to fight the feeling of dread sweeping over him. "Hey, not exactly! I just-"
"Still," said Sai, interrupting him, "I have a few technical questions. For example, on page 42…"
Oh no he won't, thought Naruto, his mouth curving up involuntarily in a horrified grimace, not with Sakura-chan right here!
Too late. Sai was already digging in his pouch, and he brought out triumphantly a bright orange, impossible-to-miss Icha Icha book. Naruto winced. It was annotated. Red, yellow and green paper notes were sticking out of the already dog-eared book.
Sakura's eyes went wide at this. "Naruto! What have you done? You told Sai to read Icha Icha?"
"No, wait! It's not what you think!" blurted Naruto, holding both hands protectively in front of him.
Sai quickly stepped between them. "Don't worry Sakura, it was very interesting! Thanks to Naruto, I gained invaluable knowledge, and I'll make sure it profits everybody!"
Sakura made a strangled noise and turned bright red. "Why you obnoxious bastard, I'll tan your-"
"No, I mean it, really!" Sai cut her in mid-sentence, ignoring her wrath, "For example: the other day, I heard you talking to Ino about your breasts size, and you felt insecure because, I quote: 'I'm still flat at 16!' end of quote."
Sakura opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but nothing came out. Sai, misinterpreting this for an invite to go on, developed his argument further.
"Thanks to the knowledge I gained last night, I can now put these fears of yours to rest. It is a proven fact that small-breasted women's nipples are much more sensitive than large-breasted women's ones."
"Oh no, this is bad," squeaked Naruto, panic rising in his voice.
Sai was on a roll: "Thus, when you lover will, err, wait a second, I have it down somewhere," he said, leafing through Icha Icha Violence, and stopping at a page annotated with bright yellow paper note saying "Sakura's breasts" in bold, large, capital letters. He went on, smiling proudly, "so, when your lover will caress your breasts or, I quote: "suck avidly on [your] erect nipples", it will be much more pleasurable-"
It was only thanks to Naruto's lightning fast reflexes, yanking Sai backward in a split second, that Sakura's fist missed its aim.
"Run, Sai!" Naruto barked, taking off at high speed.
Soon enough, Sai caught up with him.
"Why is she so angry? This was actually good news for her! It should have cheered her up!"
"Shut your trap and run, Sai! She's just behind us!"
Outskirts of Konoha
Ino brushed the dust off her yellow skirt, and headed back toward the village empty handed. She had spent the whole day searching for a very particular herb, but to no avail. Now she was ravenous, the sun was setting and she had had nothing to eat since breakfast. She was so hungry she was sure she could beat Chouji in an eating contest. Well, maybe not, she reflected, but she could give him a run for his money. She padded her pockets, searching for something edible. She could not repress a cry of glee when her fingers closed over a long-forgotten lollipop in her jumper's pocket. Ino unwrapped it hastily before sticking it in her mouth. Sure, it wasn't much, but beggars could not be choosers.
A mop of bright blond hair caught her attention, and she discovered Naruto and Sai sitting under a large tree, a few yards away from the main road. She waved at them, and decided to go greet them.
"What are you two doing here?" she asked amiably as she neared them.
"Don't ask, please," said Naruto in an exhausted whisper, his head bowed low.
"Let me guess, Sakura again?"
Naruto did not answer, he just nodded in hopeless resignation.
"You know, Naruto-kun," she said, sinking her lollipop deep into her right cheek to remain intelligible, "you should stop acting like an idiot around her. One day she'll snap for good." The blond boy grunted something that sounded a lot like 'Not my bloody fault this time', but Ino was not sure. She was about to ask him to repeat his answer when Sai coughed, attracting her attention. The dark haired boy was looking intently at her, his head tilted to the side.
"Yes?" she asked, pushing the lollipop from her right cheek to her left with her tongue.
The boy leaned toward his teammate, and asked him in a low voice, "Naruto, do you think I should try that 'small-talk' thing Yamato-taichou was talking about the other day?"
"Do whatever you want, Sai," spat Naruto in a dejected tone, "I just refuse to be held responsible."
Sai nodded cheerfully, and turned toward Ino, smiling at her.
"Ino-san, your boyfriend must be a very lucky man!"
Ino heard Naruto suck in his breath.
"And why is that?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Ah, my bad, I should have explained myself. I mean: because of your oral fixation, you must be a very good girlfriend."
"My oral what?" she asked distractedly. She was getting sidetracked by Naruto's shuddering.
"Your oral fixation. The fact that you like lollipops means that you like to have something in your mouth, that you need to suck on things."
Ah. This explains that, thought Ino, narrowing her eyes.
She squatted in front of the blond boy who was holding his head in his hands, and asked him meekly, "Tell me, Naruto-kun. Did Sai just tell me that since I happen to have a lollipop stuck in my mouth, it must mean that I'm good at giving head?"
Naruto's head snapped up, his blue eyes rolling wildly in his orbits. He turned toward his teammate abruptly and hissed: "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here! You're on your own this time, Sai!"
Having said that, he disappeared in a couple of leaps, leaving Sai and Ino facing eachother.
Sai swallowed and asked in a pained voice, "Did I say something wrong?"
Ino sighed and looked at him intently, gauging him.
Sakura's strange new teammate. Mister Elite fighter from the Root, the 'I'm the perfect weapon, I've got no feeling' wonder boy. Ino had heard about him from Sakura, and she had had trouble believing some stuff, like that 'learning about human relationships through books' supposed habit of his.
Now she had to admit she might have been wrong, watching as he leafed through a battered copy of a famous porn book, worrying his lower lip, his brows knitted in confusion. "See, here," he said, pushing the book in front of her, pointing at an underlined part: "it says that a woman having an oral fixation is a very good thing. The hero says that it's one of the most important qualities in a woman! It was a compliment!"
He was endearing, Ino decided. In a fucked-up way.
She grabbed the book and inspected it, reading some of the notes made in a neat handwriting. 'Rules of attractions', 'Sakura's breasts', 'Doggy style', 'Oral fixation', 'No = Yes theory', 'Squirter (?)'
She closed the book and got up slowly.
"Yes, Ino-san?" he answered tentatively. Ino realized he was on his toes. He looked like he was expecting some kind of violent reaction, his body tense. The boy was literally ready to bolt. Sakura should learn that while violence was the perfect answer to Uzumaki Naruto, it could not solve everything, Ino mused. She smiled briefly, but that made Sai even more tense.
She went on: "Reading porn is not a good way to understand sex. Or human relationships, for that matter. And no doesn't mean yes, by the way. Never, ever."
"Really? Do you mean that the author is biased?"
"It's a bit more complicated, I'm afraid," said Ino after cracking her remaining lollipop under her teeth, "you're free now, Sai-kun?"
"I have nothing scheduled for the evening, if that's what you want to know."
"Okay. Let's go eat something, we'll talk while eating," she said, extending her hand toward him.
"No problem," answered Sai meekly after only a couple of seconds of hesitation. Gripping her hand, he got up swiftly.
"And you're paying," added Ino nonchalantly.
"May I enquire why?"
"Because of the lollipop comment," she answered, giving him a pointed look.
"I am truly sorry," murmured Sai.
Ino looked at him for a moment. There was no way he was faking it, he was truly regretting what he had said. Yet, he clearly did not understand what he had done wrong.
"I know you are sorry," she replied calmly. "That's why we're going to talk. Sai, let's be blunt. Have you ever slept with someone?"
"Me neither. I don't have a boyfriend either. If I was eating a lollipop earlier, it was because I needed some sugar, I'm nearly keeling over from hunger. Not everything must be seen through the prism of sexual innuendo."
"Really? But in my books, it's said that-"
"It's because it's porn, Sai-kun. It's all about sexual innuendo. Books do not equal real life."
"I see," said Sai, getting a notebook out of his pouch.
Ino grabbed it swiftly and stuffed it into her jumper's pocket. "Rule number 1, Sai-kun: no scribbling when I'm around."
"But I'll forget!" Sai protested.
"No you won't. Trust me," she said with a smirk.
They went to Yakiniku Q to eat.
Ino asked the lady in charge for a 'couple' booth, those that were at the end of the shop, where two people could sit and talk without worrying about other customers overhearing them. And talk they did. They talked about sex, but since they were both virgins, there was not much to say. So they talked about human relationships instead, about friendship, parents, teachers, missions, pain, grief, about what it meant to be a Shinobi of the Leaf. Sai discovered the meaning of the word 'sarcasm'.
When Ino had eaten to her fill, she asked for two light beers. The shopkeeper perfectly knew they both were underage, but she just winked at the blond girl and came back with two glasses, filled up to the brim with golden beer topped with white foam.
Sai tried the small-talk thing again and complimented Ino on the practicability of her civilian clothes, before asking why she had picked the 'skimpy look' for her mission ones. She sent his question right back at him with a quirked eyebrow. After that, Sai decided to stop small-talking, judging it too difficult to master. Ino laughed at his antics, and kept ordering beers as they emptied their glasses.
Somewhere along the way, she dropped the '-kun' after his name and she told him to drop the '-san' after hers.
Later, Sai mentioned his brother and Ino talked about her teacher a bit. They talked a lot about teamwork, dynamics inside a team. They avoided talking about their first kills, because that was just bad manners. Sasuke's name was brought up, but dropped quickly enough. Sai decided to try that 'sarcasm' thing out of the blue but that had Ino splutter beer at him. The following time, he warned her beforehand and she laughed herself silly.
When the shop closed at 11pm, Sai insisted on taking her home after paying the ridiculously high bill. They walked in silence, basking in each-other's company, Ino reflecting on the day's events.
As they neared her home, she was quite surprised to find Sakura and Naruto sitting on her doorstep. The boy was huddled in a corner, with two black eyes and a bloody nose.
"Ino! Where have you been! I've been so worried! Stupid here," Sakura said, jerking her thumb at the blond's swollen face, "told me that Sai had insulted you too! Are you okay? Why are you with him?" she asked accusingly.
Before Ino could answer, Sai fumbled in his bag, and handed two orange books to Naruto. "Thank you very much, but in fact, I think Ino is a much better teacher."
Ino watched Sakura go slowly cross-eyed, and she softly nudged Sai's arm with her shoulder, saying: "You might want to rephrase that, Sai."
Naruto gave them a puzzled look before asking: "Are you two, like, going out together?"
Ino was about to retort dryly when Sai beat her to it, saying with great aplomb: "Oh yes. We just had hot, sweaty sex. That was quite a pleasurable activity, you should try it sometimes, Naruto."
"You gotta be shitting us!" exclaimed Naruto loudly, as Sakura's hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide with disbelief.
Ino had been about to explain had a Sai newly found interest in sarcasm, but seeing Sakura's reaction, she decided to have some fun instead. She grinned predatorily, and snaking one arm around Sai's waist, she cooed: "What's wrong with that? Naruto-kun, I must thank you for letting Sai know about doggy-style!" she added, smiling coyly at her partner in crime.
"Okay, that does it!" yelped Naruto, jumping back as if burned. "Good night to you two!"
That said, he started running, dragging a speechless and slightly green Sakura behind him. Ino released Sai's waist and snickered, watching her two friends disappear around the corner of the street. She raised her hand high in the air, and without turning toward Sai, she said "Sarcasm high five, buddy. Now."
She only had to wait for a couple of seconds before feeling Sai's hand slam against hers, the slap wave coursing slowly down her arm to reach her face, where it bloomed into a vibrant smile.
Sai was quite something, Ino decided as she entered her house. If the others could not see this, well, their loss. Without looking back, she dropped a few words nonchalantly over her shoulder. "Next week, same place, same time. Be there."
His answer rang in her ears, loud and clear: "Sure!"
Ino and Sai in cahoots. Can Konoha survive it, people? I think not.
Well, that sure was fun to write! Hope you had fun reading it too! Feedback would be greatly appreciated 8D
Working on another couple of chapters as of now!
A, Ka, Sa… Shi… Ji… 'Jizou-sama', no… ah there ! 'Jiraiya'
In Japanese library, book authors are not classed by the A,B,C system, but they follow the kana order : a-ka-sa-ta-na-ha-ma-ya-ra-wa, each kana being sub-declined into 5 sounds : a (i-u-e-o), ka (ki-ku-ke-ko)… Sa is derived into: sa shi-su-se-so, and ji is a nasalization of shi. Jiraiya comes after Jizou because 'z' is a nazalisation of 's', which comes before 'r'.
Yakiniku (barbecue) bills can climb really high in Japan, good meat being really expensive. And drinks are quite overpriced. Two people eating reasonably and drinking a few glasses can end up paying 1 or 2 man bills (110-200 dollars).
Fuse: a woman name, pronounced 'Fuh-say'. It's the name of the princess in Hakkenden (a Japanese story with a hero named Inuzuka.)
Not to be mistaken with Kiba's short fuse.
Don't fav' and run!
Reviews! Om nom nom nom nom