Disclaimer: The following is a parody. I do not own or claim to own the property Mass Effect. Mass Effect is a product of the Bioware company. Please support the official release.
A/N: In the Fanfiction world, there are two types of parodies. The first kind uses insightful wit to entertain an intelligent crowd. The other just throws in as many jokes he thinks are funny until one of them emits a slight chuckle. This is the later
A/N 2: Due to the short amount of time I have, I was not able to beta-read this properly. If anyone would like to volunteer their services, please leave a private message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied
As a lone figure watched from space, several men could be heard chatting in the background.
"Well, what about Shepard? He's mostly lived on Earth, but his parents served with the Alliance."
"I met them, lovely couple. You should try their recipe for Meatloaf."
"He handled that mission to Lost Sumor quite well."
"Is that the type of person we want protecting the galaxy?"
"Umm… I think he's the only person left who qualifies."
"Oh right. I'll make the call."
The man turns back. "I can hear you, you know."
In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.
They called the greatest discovery in human history, save Hot Pockets.
However, all the good names had been taken: Star Trek, Stargate, Big Bang Theory, and many more. Thus the scientists finally settled on the name…
In deep space, a small carrier swooped down pass a planet. A lone figure passes by many of the ship's crew. After much swooping and zipping, the lone figure reveals to be a man.
A man by the name of Shepard, Monkey D. Shepard.
Then, the ship suddenly passes a gate and makes the jump to Hyperspace- Err, I mean FTL Travel.
Thus Shepard eavesdropped in on the conversation between his pilot and his companion.
The pilot with a cap and beard commented on the systems. "Thrusters check, Navigation check, Internal emission systems online. Drift, just under 1700 K."
However, a Turian agent commented loudly on the speed. "1700 K is too fast. Lower it to 1500."
The pilot grumbled loudly. "No one likes a backseat driver."
"What was that?"
"Nothing!" The pilot said.
As soon as the Turian agent left, Shepard stood behind the pilot having a conversation with Lt. Kaiden Alenko.
"I hate that guy."
"He's just giving you good advice. You do drive a little too fast sometimes."
"Hey, I just drove through a checkpoint the size of a needle, so don't criticize! Besides, Spectres are trouble."
"What's the big deal?" Shepard asked. "He's just a Spectre."
"All I know is that this is bigger than any shakedown run. There's something bigger going on here, I just know it."
"Joker," A deep yet smooth voice called through the intercom. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the com room."
The Pilot sighed. "Alright, but I think Nihlus is heading your way."
"Umm… I'm already here?" The Turian said awkwardly.
"Oh." Joker said.
"Well, this is just awkward, so I think I'll head into the com room now."
After finally being able to take control of his character, Shepard looked through his pause window and explored the CODEX. There, he opened up an article about the Alliance."
"The Alliance is a supranatural organization consisting of all the major nations in the world."
Shepard immediately closed his Codex. "What the hell was that?"
"Hello there. I'm the Narrator voice. You may remember me from such games as Crackdown, and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: Electric Boogaloo."
"Can I know who you are?" Shepard asked.
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
Grumbling to himself, Shepard decided to continue towards the com room when he bumped into Navigator Pressley talking to the com.
"Oh, didn't see you there, Commander." He said, giving a salute. "I'm just a bit concerned with our Turian guest."
"Nihlus is on our side, Pressley."
"But that's just the thing, why would the Council send a Spectre for just a simple shakedown run? Call me suspicious, but I think there's something bigger going on here."
Shepard sighed. "Yeah… why don't you go tell Alenko and Joker that while I head into the com room?"
"Will do, Commander."
Now, Shepard was almost at the com room when he overheard a conversation between Corporal L. Jenkins and Doctor Chakwas.
"Hey Commander, we won't be staying on Eden Prime too long, will we Commander? I'm dying for some real action!"
"Not that I'm one to judge, but I think the Corporal will make a fine candidate on the front lines." Dr. Chakwas said in a particularly thick accent. "In fact, I almost recommend he join you on whatever hazardous mission you venture on."
Shepard took a step back. "Sure… Hey Jenkins, what do you know about Eden Prime?"
"Farming world, Commander. It was one of our first colonies. I remember it like it was yesterday, where my parents found me playing in a crater."
The Commander jumped up. "Wait, Jenkins. Your family found you in a crater?"
"Oh, that was because I fell. It was my brother they found in a crater."
"I see… what happened to your brother?"
"Oh, I think he's a columnist for the local paper. Always was a boring guy."
After a brief silent exchange between the doctor and the Commander, Shepard spoke up again.
"Is the Captain inside?" Shepard asked.
"No, but Nihlus is. Spectres don't come down on shakedown runs. You know, I'm beginning to think-"
"Lemme guess." Shepard asked. "There's something bigger going on."
Jenkins smiled. "You're sharp, Commander!"
"I guess I am. I better head into the com room."
Inside, Shepard met with the Turian agent Nihlus, analyzing a picture of Eden Prime.
"Beautiful, isn't it? What can you tell me about Eden Prime, Shepard?"
Shepard shrugged. "It has… nice atmosphere?"
Nihlus nodded. "Yes… but it's much more than that, isn't it? It shows humanity's real attempt to colonize worlds in space. Amazing, wouldn't you say?"
Shepard felt awkward. "Umm…. Yes?"
"Are you sure Humanity's ready for this?"
Just then, Captain Anderson appeared on board with the smoothest voice ever to be heard by ears.
"I think it's time we told you what's really going on, Commander."
"Okay." Shepard responded. "What's really going on?"
The Captain walked towards Nihlus. "Scientists on Eden Prime unearthed a beacon. It was Prothean."
"I thought the Protheans died out 50,000 years ago."
"Yes, but we're still bumming their technology today. This is big, Shepard; the last time we unearthed Prothean ruins, it jumped our technology 200 years. Without it, we'd still be stuck on Earth, making promises to go to Mars, though Virgin Airways is the only company that can actually do it."
Nihlus stepped forth. "Your mission is to go down, retrieve the beacon, and get out."
"Since the Chain of Command doesn't want this getting out, we've been very careful that the crew doesn't suspect a thing."
Shepard stared sheepishly. "Right… So, is Nihlus here because of the Council?"
"That, and he's also recruiting for the Spectres. You in particular."
"Wait, I'm a level 1 character, and I'm a candidate for the Spectres? What about the other crew members?"
Captain Anderson shook his head. "They're NPC's; they don't count."
"What about Kaiden?"
"He has weird hair."
"What about you, Captain?"
The Captain stood back and looked to the side. "It's… something I'd rather not talk about."
"Besides Shepard, I've read your file. I know what you did on Lost Sumor!"
A silence filled the room.
"You did well. I mean, a few people died, but you mostly defeated the enemy."
Shepard sighed. "Alright, fine. I assume this will be good for Humanity, so let's get this show in the road."
"Excellent!" Nihlus said. "One more thing."
"What?" Shepard asked.
"Does this suit look too red to you?"
"Huh? Uhh… I think it looks fine."
"That's good. I just wanted to look best for my little Challus when I get home." The Turian agent pulled out a picture. "He's only 3 years old, and he's so adorable! You want a copy?"
"Captain! I got a feed from the planet!" Joker said through the com.
"Play it, Joker." The video showed a battlefield torn with gunfire and explosions. Several soldiers died while the rest ducked down for cover. However, the battlefield seemed to pause in silence as an eerie sound emanating from a large ship passed across the sky. Then, the transmission faded into static.
"That's all there is."
"Joker, rewind 15 seconds before end."
The tape was reversed as the Captain squinted rather closely at the screen.
"What is it Captain?"
"If you squint your eyes and blur them a little bit, you can see the words 'Peas' in there."
Shepard looked to both sides. "Sir?"
Nihlus leaned in as well. "I-I can't really see it."
"You sort to have to stare real close and then take a few steps back."
"Wait, I got it- I got it! No, I lost it."
"Captain, the mission?"
"Oh, right! A small team should be able to move quickly. Tell Jenkins and Alenko to suit up."
Shepard nearly left when one thing occurred to him.
"Nihlus, just who were the other human candidates you were considering?"
"Well, one was an Earthborn orphan who went and got most of his platoon killed on Torfan. He went mad and went on a killing spree. Then there was the lone woman who survived being captured by Batarian slavers and a Thresher Maw attack on Akuze; she's currently undergoing psychological treatment. Then, there was a true hero. He was a Spacer who held off the Bartarians in the Skyllian Verge, the hero of the Blitz. He was truly remarkable!"
"What happened to him?"
"One day, a stray puppy ran on the freeway. Quickly, he got in the way and tossed the puppy aside to its owner, dying a hero's death. His parents were so proud. (Sniff)."
Shepard sighed. "Gee, I wonder why we're so short of Human candidates…"
Nearing Eden Prime…
"Your job's to secure the beacon and get out, you got it?"
"Nihlus." Jenkins asked. "You coming?"
"I move faster on my own. Besides, I'm sure I'll be fine." He said as he leapt from the Normandy.
"Your team's the muscle. Go in there and hit hard."
"Aye, aye, sir!"
Shepard and his crew landed on the planet, flames of burning homes coloring the skies. After a brief entry to the menu screen, Shepard was ready to move out.
"Okay, weapons ready, shields up, characters leveled up. Alright, let's do this!"
As they ventured forth, the Lieutenant screamed. "Oh my god! What is that!"
Everyone pulled out their guns. Jenkins scoffed. "That's just a gas balloon."
"Oh." Kaiden said. "Oh my god, what is that!"
"Kaiden, that's a rock."
Shepard decided to take a shot at the balloons to test his aim.
"Holy mother of- That was loud!"
"Kaiden, next time scream when there's something with a gun pointing at us."
The three ventured forth only to see a couple of Geth recon drones. Shepard and Kaiden were lucky to hide behind some rocks. However, Jenkins was foolhardy enough to get gunned down. After a quick and rather easy skirmish, Kaiden looked down at the body.
"Ripped right through his shields. He didn't have a chance."
"Wait. If the guns ripped through his shields, why are we still alive?"
'I don't know. I guess that's what happens when you're main characters. C'mon, let's get moving."
After a few more easy opponents of Geth recon droids, Shepard noticed the command on how he could proceed.
"Kaiden, see that glowing jalapeño there? Run to it."
"Aye, aye, sir!" Kaiden said, running toward the jalapeño.
After much practice, the two finally made it over a hill, only to see a young marine take down two Geth recons by herself. However, all was not well when the synthetics plowed a metal spike through a Marine. Quickly, Shepard and Kaiden rushed to the woman's side and defeated the synthetics.
"Woah. Thanks for the help, Commander."
"What happened here?"
"Oh man, we were surrounded. We were just on patrol and then the Geth ambushed us. It's a good thing I ran awa- I mean, ran to get help. Too bad the rest of my squad wasn't so lucky."
"The Geth?" Kaiden repeated. "Impossible. The Geth haven't been seen beyond the Veil for centuries. What are they doing here now?"
The soldier shrugged. "Not sure. Might have something to do with that beacon."
"Can you take us to it?" Shepard asked.
"Sure. It's right down there."
"Somewhat convenient that after we've lost a soldier, we've found a replacement already. There's something disturbing about that."
"Name's Chief Gunnery Ashley Williams, sir."
After another brief skirmish and more directions involving a giant jalapeño, the crew finally made it to the beacon site, only to find that it was completely empty.
"Damn," Williams said. "The Beacon must've been moved."
"By who? Our side or the Geth?"
Shepard looked around. "Well, looks like this tutorial's not over yet. Let's go over this hill."
As the party of three went up the hill, Shepard's com rang. "Lotta dead bodies here. Shepard. Change of plans. I'll meet you at the tram station."
The crew then ventured forth to find large number of Geth spikes suddenly lower down to reveal living beings covered in synthetic markings.
"What did the Geth do to them?" The Gunnery Chief yelled as they ran towards them. Unfortunately when one of them came in close contact with them, or maybe just fell into their vicinity, they immediately exploded static which messed with their shields. Luckily, the crew was able to detain them without trouble.
"Hey, look over there." Ash said. "There might be survivors in that bunker."
Thus, Shepard used his powerful decryption skill which consisted of a rather slow moving, easy, button pressing game.
"Heh. I knew all those years playing Simon would come in handy."
The female scientist felt relieved."Humans, thank goodness. We were afraid it was those Geth."
However, a wormy assistant shriveled in fear. "The Geth? Ha! They're nothing, I tell you. Nothing!"
Shepard calmed them down. "I'm glad you're safe. Can you tell us where the Beacon is?"
"We moved it to the Tram station. Head there, and you should be able to find it."
"Curse words, collectors, violence, new DLC!"
The Commander turned to the doctor. "What's wrong with your assistant?"
"Forgive Manuel. His father is one of the lead developers for Mass Effect 2. One day, Manuel stumbled across the main script, and the results presented in a non-theatrical way were too much for his mind to handle. He struggles with spoiler alerts all the time."
"You! You're going to die!" He said.
"Isn't that more of an inevitability than a spoiler?"
"Well, take care. I'll look over Manuel."
The crew quickly left the bunker and headed towards the hill.
Nihlus slowly crept forth, his shotgun ready to fire. However, a single sight froze him on the spot.
"Saren? What are you doing here?"
There, with gray, jagged skin, Saren appeared. "Nihlus, I thought you could use some help on this mission."
"How did you know, though? My files were top secret."
"Hey, Nihlus, how old was your little Challus again?"
Nihlus smiled. "Oh! He's just turned three. Let me see if I can find a picture. Damn, it's somewhere in my wallet."
Saren aimed a gun behing Nihlus's head. "You do that."
A good distance away…
A loud gunshot was heard in the distance.
"Well," Shepard said. "That was ominous."
As they continued to walk, the Lieutenant shouted. "Oh my God! What is that thing?"
"What?" Shepard said. "I don't see anything."
"Look at the size of that ship!" Ash shouted.
"I can't see it!"
"Look up, Commander!" Kaiden shouted.
Shepard continued staring at the ground. "I'm trying!"
"Right Analog stick down!"
"Oh. Holy moly!" There, he caught the last moments of the giant cockroach fleeing the planet.
Then, the crew had to face more Geth and Husks attacking them. However, since this was the first planet, they weren't very tough. So, after a brief victory, the crew headed down to the Tram station only to find Nihlus's dead body, in a puddle of blood.
"Great," Shepard muttered. "Murphy's Law sure is a bitch."
"Wait, something's rustling behind those crates." Ashley said.
"Don't shoot!" The dock worker said. "I was here when it happened. Another Turian tricked your friend into showing him his family's pictures. He didn't have a chance."
Shepard sighed. "Sometimes a man can love his family too much. Do you know where they moved the Beacon?"
"It should be at the other side of this tram. Take it and you should get there."
"Thanks." So Shepard and his crew continued onto the tutorial level.
Saren turned to a Geth Shock trooper. "Set the charges. We're leaving."
Then, the Turian turned to the Prothean Beacon and floated a foot off the air.
"Nice tram." Shepard said when he got off. "It's too bad we had to take it during the one time Geth attack this planet."
"Look!" Ash shouted. "Bombs!"
Kaiden turned to the commander. "You'll have to disable them, quick!"
"How?" Shepard quipped. "I don't have any training in disarming bombs!"
"Don't worry," Kaiden replied. "I'm sure it's as easy as pressing a button."
To Shepard's surprise, it was as easy as pressing a button and waiting until the timer bar filled up. Thus, as the crew continued to fire and kill Geth, Shepard's newfound button pressing skills disarmed all the bombs and saved the colony. How convenient.
Finally, after a few more Geth, Shepard and his crew made it to the Beacon.
"Normandy, this is Commander Shepard. Get over here so we can pick up this thing."
"Oooh, glowing." Ashley said. However, to her mistake, she was quickly pulled towards the beacon. Shepard saw this, and leapt into the field, throwing Williams out of the way. However, he was quickly lifted up into the air, and shown visions of unimaginative horror. He was shown sights of synthetics slaughtering humans, cold dead machines eating away at human planets, entire systems set on fire, Frank Miller's The Spirit, and much more visions of horror.
Finally, the beacon exploded, tossing Shepard out of the way.
"Oh, I fell on my keys." Shepard groaned before falling unconscious.
(A/N: Can the Alliance find a way to explain the ruined beacon? Will Saren get away with his crimes? Will Commander Shepard survive a landing on his keys? Find out next time on Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied)