THE GREAT BIG "WHAT IF?"

SUMMARY: Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!

RATING: PG to PG-13 for, um… cyber-suggestiveness =)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine… unfortunately…

SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything. It's just bizarre, really…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry…" line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic, and this appeared… It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp" as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)

The Great Big "What If?"

© T'eyla Minh 2002

*Room - Terrace - 2 guests*

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Moyapilot: Greetings.

Earpboy: Hey Pilot.

PKChick: John, I don't understand the purpose of this…

PKChick: Hello Pilot.

Earpboy: It's meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…

Moyapilot: How is everybody?

Earpboy: I'm good.

PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?

Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!

PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can't use this keyboard thing…

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.

Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you'll get used to it…

PKChick: Hello, Stark.

Earpboy: What's with the name?

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.

*PKChick rolls eyes*

PKChick: I'm sure…

Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.

Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.

PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.

Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.

Earpboy: You so smart!

*Earpboy huggles PKChick*

PKChick: You should be very glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.

Earpboy: Um… we are…

PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.

Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?

Earpboy: Nah.

Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh, good.

Bannick_the_Stark: I don't understand your name, Aeryn.

PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.

Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.

Moyapilot: I will DRD.

PKChick: DRD??

Earpboy: I think he means BRB.

PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations…

*Moyapilot has left the room*

Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It's not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…

PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn't cope with it…

*Earpboy sticks out tongue*

Earpboy: I thought we'd gone beyond that kind of petty insult.

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…

Earpboy: For God's sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!

Bannick_the_Stark: No.

Bannick_the_Stark: Not dead.

Bannick_the_Stark: I can hear her…

*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*

Bannick_the_Stark: Ow.

PKChick: Shut up.

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!

PKChick: Yes, please do. I'm the only sane one left in here…

Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don't have a chip in *your* brain…

PKChick: That's your excuse for everything.

Earpboy: Pilot, you're quiet. Something wrong?

*Moyapilot shakes head*

Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.

PKChick: ?

Earpboy: Uh… 'kay…

Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??

Moyapilot: So sorry…

Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…

*Earpboy laughs*

Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type…

*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*

Earpboy: Hey! I didn't mean it!

PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You're going to pay for that.

Earpboy: Ooh?

Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?

PKChick: Both.

Earpboy: Cool.

PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…

Earpboy: Yeah… I love you too…

*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*

Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we'll have to go somewhere else…

PKChick: I'm warning you, John!

*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.

Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: Evenin' Crais.

CapnB: Is she in here?

PKChick: Is who in here?

CapnB: Jool.

Bannick_the_Stark: We haven't seen her.

Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?

Bannick_the_Stark: I think I will…

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

Earpboy: Finally…

CapnB: But is she in here?

Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain't here.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Earpboy: Well, she wasn't…

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?

CapnB: No.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Good.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*

CapnB: Will you desist?!

Earpboy: What's the matter, Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?

CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.

Earpboy: Why's everyone so against me today?

PKChick: Because you're an idiot…

*Eve has entered the room*

*Eve huggles Earpboy*

*Eve has left the room*

Earpboy: What the frell was that?

PKChick: Yes, what was that?

Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.

CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.

CapnB: Go away!

*CapnB has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oh… :*(

Moyapilot: Don't cry, Joolushka. I still like you.

Earpboy: You like everyone.

Moyapilot: No I don't.

Moyapilot: I don't like Peacekeepers.

Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.

Moyapilot: But she's not really a Peacekeeper…

Earpboy: We get the picture!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: You like me?

Moyapilot: Yes.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?

Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Minh has entered the room*

Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?

PKChick: Who are you?

Minh: random fan-girl…

Earpboy: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.

Minh: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you're beautiful.

Earpboy: Me?

Minh: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?

PKChick: No.

Minh: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin' hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…

Earpboy: I've been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…

Minh: i'm meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?

*Minh has left the room*

Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…

Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.

PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?

Earpboy: I could show you if you'd let me near you…

PKChick: I'm sure. No.

Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?

PKChick: Stick around long enough and you'll find out.

Earpboy: …

Earpboy: I wasn't expecting that.

Moyapilot: Nor was I.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?

*CapnB wheezes*

CapnB: I believe so. For now.

PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...

CapnB: That's a good idea.

CapnB: Excuse me a microt.

*CapnB has left the room*

*XhalaxSun has entered the room*

PKChick: That's not funny, Crais.

XhalaxSun: Frell…

*XhalaxSun has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess originality isn't high on his list of priorities.

*Talynpilot has entered the room*

Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.

Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

NerriSis: Hey.

Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how's it hangin'?

NerriSis: Um…

*NerriSis looks down*

NerriSis: Mind your own frellin' business!

Earpboy: I didn't mean… Never mind…

PKChick: I thought you were with D'Argo.

NerriSis: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.

PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.

Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I'm not here.

NerriSis: Is that Crais?

*Earpboy nods*

NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed…

Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.

NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.

Talynpilot: Remember, I'm not here.

Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you're not here!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?

PKChick: Yes…

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?

NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!

NerriSis: No, you shut up!

Earpboy: Hey, ladies?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No, you!

NerriSis: You!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!

NerriSis: Tralk!

Earpboy: GIRLS!

*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.

Earpboy: You're an upholding member of society, Pilot…

*PKChick groans*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?

Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.

Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.

Earpboy: Deal.

PKChick: Yes.

*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*

Moyapilot: No more fighting.

PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.

Earpboy: Ditto.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you're hurting me.

NerriSis: Me too.

Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?

*NerriSis nods*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*

*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

NerriSis: Thanks.

*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl's hair*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Hey!

NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you're gonna have to catch me first!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Fine!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*

Talynpilot: Is it safe?

PKChick: All clear, Crais.

Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?

Talynpilot: She's insatiable!

Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can't think why.

Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…

Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…

PKChick: For your information, I don't like either of you.

Moyapilot: Do you like me?

PKChick: Of course, Pilot.

Talynpilot: Why don't you like me?

PKChick: Would you settle for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer another reason?

Talynpilot: Fair enough.

Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?

PKChick: Same answer.

Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn't do it on purpose!

PKChick: Actually, I've never liked you, Crichton.

Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe…

PKChick: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?

Earpboy: Nope.

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.

PKChick: You kissed me back!

Earpboy: What, you'd rather I ran away?

PKChick: Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!

Earpboy: I'm not!

DominarXVI: Have you no respect?

Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.

DominarXVI: Apparently not.

DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be subservient, and obey my every command!

Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…

Earpboy: Aeryn, I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it was *your* fault!

PKChick: It's never my fault, Crichton…

Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…

Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?

PKChick: No, I only blame you because it's always your fault.

Earpboy: Ouch…

DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all fahrbot!

Earpboy: That's the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!

DominarXVI: I think I'm going to vomit.

*DominarXVI has left the room*

*HeavyD has entered the room*

Earpboy: Hey, D'Argo.

Moyapilot: Hello, Ka D'Argo.

Talynpilot: Likewise.

HeavyD: Finally!

PKChick: What?

HeavyD: The frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.

PKChick: Ah…

PKChick: That would explain why she wasn't with you earlier…

Earpboy: I'd give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all of you. Imagine… Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin' names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.

Earpboy: Aeryn, I thought you were meant to be the smart one!

*PKChick smacks Earpboy*

Earpboy: Exactly how many bruises are you trying to make?

PKChick: 46.

Earpboy: WHY?

PKChick: Dunno. Seems like a good number.

Earpboy: Fine… how many are you up to?

PKChick: 10.

Earpboy: 10?

PKChick: 10.

HeavyD: Can I add some?

Earpboy: No you frelling can't!

HeavyD: Why not?

PKChick: You'll damage him.

Earpboy: Um… and you *can* damage me… why?

PKChick: I'm your grunt, remember?

Earpboy: What IS that, anyway?

PKChick: Doesn't matter.

PKChick: Anyway, D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing left for *me* to damage…

*HeavyD laughs*

Moyapilot: I could hold him steady for you, if you wish.

PKChick: Thank you, Pilot. It won't be necessary…

Talynpilot: I'd add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch…

Earpboy: Thanks. All gang up on the Human…

Earpboy: Ew, Crais!

Talynpilot: What?

Earpboy: Oh… sorry. I thought you meant something else…

*PKChick slaps Earpboy*

Earpboy: That makes 11...

PKChick: You're disgusting.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

HeavyD: Chiana!!

NerriSis: Uh-oh…

HeavyD: What the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in here!

NerriSis: I didn't do anything!

Earpboy: Does anybody else *not* believe her?

PKChick: Me.

Talynpilot: And me.

Moyapilot: I know for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.

NerriSis: Pilot!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oooh! Busted.

NerriSis: Shut your FRELLING mouth!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No.

Talynpilot: Here we go again…

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar???

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl giggles happily and tackle hugs Talynpilot*

Talynpilot: Oh, no…

Talynpilot: Uh, I mean… Bialar who?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I know it's you.

Talynpilot: It's not me… um… him. I don't know who you are.

PKChick: You're such a terrible liar, Crais… even when we can't hear you.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I *knew* it was you!

Talynpilot: Thank you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much…

Earpboy: Ooh, I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back…

PKChick: You know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of your own…

Earpboy: Point taken.

*Earpboy surrenders*

Earpboy: I'm all yours.

NerriSis: You're frelled… :D

Earpboy: Chance would be a fine thing…

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

DominarXVI: Oh, please, are you STILL at it?

HeavyD: Rygel, there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow or that throne sled will be riding *you*.

DominarXVI: Frell you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?

Moyapilot: It wasn't Chiana.

NerriSis: Thanks, Pilot! You know I love you, really…

*Minh has entered the room*

PKChick: You again?? How are you getting in?

Minh: beats me…

Minh: anyhoo, i was wondering if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?

Earpboy: I wasn't aware we were in there…

Minh: oh, yeah, you are. trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first. so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?

PKChick: John, I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense to…

Minh: get the frell outta here!

Earpboy: Okay, geez! Just give us a few minutes…

Minh: you've had arns… oh, fine… you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out or not.

*Minh has left the room*

HeavyD: Who was that?

Earpboy: Looooong story.

HeavyD: Well, I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your quarters before me…

Earpboy: Bye, dude.

*HeavyD has left the room*

*DominarXVI has left the room*

Talynpilot: I should go, too…

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: If you're going, I'm going.

Talynpilot: Crichton, I hold you personally responsible for this…

*Talynpilot has left the room*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

Moyapilot: I have multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.

PKChick: Goodbye, Pilot.

Earpboy: See ya.

*Moyapilot has left the room*

NerriSis: I don't suppose either of you guys want me around… And anyway, if I'm last to leave, the entire thing will crash.

Earpboy: Woo! Go, Chi!

NerriSis: I thought you'd like that. Have fun, you two!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess that just leaves us…

PKChick: Yes… we've overstayed our 120 microts.

Earpboy: As it's us, I think she'll let us off.

PKChick: I suppose.

PKChick: John?

Earpboy: Yeah?

PKChick: Where exactly are you?

Earpboy: I was going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't it?

PKChick: Yes. I'm in Command.

Earpboy: I'm… on the actual Terrace.

PKChick: Stay there.

Earpboy: Why?

PKChick: I have a surprise for you.

Earpboy: Is it more bruises?

PKChick: Maybe… maybe not…

Earpboy: Interesting…

Earpboy: Okay, I'll stay put.

PKChick: And I'll be right there.

*PKChick has left the room*

Earpboy: Whaddaya know… online romances *do* work after all…

*Earpboy has left the room*

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello?

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…

Blue: Hello, Stark.

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan?!

Blue: Yes, Stark. I have been here the whole time.

Bannick_the_Stark: I knew it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!

Blue: Stark?

Bannick_the_Stark: Yes?

Blue: You're doing it again…

Bannick_the_Stark: It's another hallucination?

Blue: I'm afraid so.

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

*Room - Terrace - no guests*

Thank God that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be… If you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you. If you review, I promise not to do this again…