Cereal Conspiracy

"And be sure to bring me cereal in great quantities," drawled the smooth, baritone voice over the phone.

"But..but…" Kagome stuttered. "You hate cereal!"


Kagome narrowed her eyes at the portable phone. He was up to something. She just knew it. It was rare that anyone knew whether or not he was making a funny, even in this modern time, but she was sure that she heard amusement in his voice. 'Definitely up to something.'

"What are you up to?" she growled into the receiver.

"If you would go to such great lengths to bring Inuyasha ramen, the least you can do is provide me with cereal," Sesshoumaru huffed, beginning to get annoyed that his plans for his past self, and Inuyasha, could be brought down by a pesky young woman.

Any time Sesshoumaru was amused, someone paid. 'Who is he setting up this time? I just hope it isn't bloody.'

"Fine! I'll have plenty waiting!"

'Wait a minute! Was he trying to guilt me into this? Oooh, he'll pay for that! He knows how much I hate manipulation.'

Several blocks away, a few aisles down, and half a cart of ramen later, found Kagome standing in front of long rows of cereal. What would a warrior want with cereal? The only things she had ever known of 'The Lord Sesshoumaru', outside of Rin and that annoying toad, had been blood, guts, and gore.

'Cereal of all things!' Fangs usually meant meat. Inuyasha's addiction to ramen could be easily explained away by his human blood. But Sesshoumaru? 'Maybe his past self would mistake doggie biscuits for cereal? No, I doubt it. He has been much too observant—like a dog with a bone!' She almost chuckled at the comparison.

Her nerves were getting the better of her. Sesshoumaru's first trip to the future would be fraught with danger. Although he had mellowed, she couldn't be sure how he would respond to things he didn't understand. Hopefully, he wouldn't react with violence. With a sigh, she grudgingly went back to her pursuit of the perfect cereal and perused the aisle, dismissing each box for one reason or the other. Too much flavor for his sensitive palate. Was he allergic to wheat? Would dyes make him sick? Too much sugar. She certainly couldn't have a full-blooded Taiyoukai bouncing off buildings and waving Bakusaiga while on a sugar high! Kagome almost giggled at the picture. Nevertheless, she was stuck. So, she did the only thing any self-respecting young woman would do. 'Screw it.'

She went for the prettiest boxes.

Kagome truly hadn't realized the size of her purchase until she had been forced to drag them down the streets and tote them up the many, way too many, steps of the shrine. Once inside, she stuffed the cupboards with the products that she hoped would be a tiny treasure for an odd creature. Lifting her arms over her head and doing a good impression of Buyo, minus the fat, Kagome decided that it was time to do something selfish. 'A bath!'

And that meant she'd have to listen to the inevitable…

"You're late, wench!" Inuyasha blustered.

"Well excuse me! Whose idea was it to impress Sesshoumaru? I swear! Boys and their toys!" Kagome huffed. "Sit!" With her womanly pride on the tip of her upturned nose, Kagome stomped off to the village. 'They've always got to be one up on each other!'

Sesshoumaru wasn't exactly where he had promised to be. Instead of lounging on the outskirts of the village, she found him sniffing the jars in Kaede's hut.

"Which one reduces a human's fever?" he asked the old woman.

"That would be this one," the old woman nearly scowled, sliding a jar from the shelf and shoving it into his hands. "I have plenty in the garden. You may keep it."

Kaede's old eye drifted over to Kagome and silently begged for a reprieve. 'Poor thing. She's too old to put up with that curious dog.'

"Uh hum," Kagome coughed, catching Sesshoumaru's attention. "Are you ready to leave?"

Sesshoumaru's amber eyes slid over to her while his nostrils flared around the lip of the jar. Replacing the lid, he gave his response in his typical freezing manner.

"This Sesshoumaru is always ready," he snorted casually strolled out the door.

"I'm so sorry, Kaede," Kagome whispered, her gaze holding sympathy for the old woman.

"'Tis alright, child. His little girl, Rin, may need the potion," Kaede sighed in obvious relief. Then her eye brightened and her lips curled up into a conspiratorial grin. "I think the poor lad is nervous about this new adventure and is stalling."

"Oh! Don't ever let him hear you say anything like that!" Kagome replied with a little giggle. Anticipating any sign of abnormal behavior from the Almighty Popsicle, Kagome skipped out of the hut and quickly caught up with the mysterious Taiyoukai. Taking a quick glance from beside him, she noted that he didn't appear any different than usual. However, there was still hope! They weren't through the well yet!

"Jakken," Sesshoumaru's voice boomed over the small meadow, startling Kagome out of her socks. Her attention was quickly diverted by a hobbling blob of green that fell into a jiggling bowl of disgusting three year old jelly. "Take this and secure it in Rin's pack."

Now that her heart was back in her chest, Kagome followed behind the terror inducing voice. That man needed punished for his obvious disregard for his host! What she wouldn't give for a paddle. His well-formed backside could take the swats she would definitely savor bestowing upon him. With the picture of him bent over her knees while taking his whacks, she wasn't sure if she should be blushing or rolling on the ground laughing. Instead, she settled for a rosy smile.

Which he couldn't see. Because she was behind him. Enjoying the view. The best part of her little fantasy was a selfish secret that she would never willingly tell 'This Freeze-Dried Sesshoumaru'! Thusly entertained, her surroundings changed without notice, until her friend quickly destroyed her little trip to 'Sesshoumaru's Butt Land'.

"It's about time," Inuyasha growled while still trying to clean the dirt out of his ears.

If nothing else could have convinced Kagome that Sesshoumaru wasn't quite himself, the next second certainly did. She found herself draped over his shoulder with her face covered in silky, silver hair. Too bad. If not for that, the view would have been great.

"Let go of her, you bastard!" echoed through the brilliant blue void. That was the only clue she had before realizing that, not only had he man-handled her, but he had also jumped into the well without so much as a 'by your leave'!

Of course, she shouldn't have been surprised. Never wait for an enemy to attack. Fear…no, anxiety, would never conquer Lord Icicle. His actions were nothing less than choosing his own time and place for the battle proper. The proof that he rarely lost a battle was painfully obvious when Kagome found herself on the well-house floor with splinters in her ass.

"Ooooh, you…you…I'm going to get you for that!"

Sesshoumaru simply stared down at her as though she were an insignificant locust with which he was unwillingly sharing his field of cool, comfy, puppy-rolling, green grass. Well, she knew things that he didn't! Whether he knew it or not, he would pay. It might take a few hundred years, but he would definitely be punished. The first of which would be the obnoxious odors of her world. Triumphant in the world that would abuse his nose; she flung open the doors and marched down to her house, letting it be known that he would be the one following her, not the other way around. 'Jerk!'

The day went by with the dog sniffing this, touching that, breaking the other, and threatening more than a couple of noisy items. Of course, all of this was after two hours of arguing him into removing his armor and swords. And what miracle was it that produced the desired results? Something she had learned from her mother years ago, but had never thought to use; a warm smile, respect, and a mother's touch.

'I am going to wring his neck within an inch of his life! Put his lights out! Spank his…' Now there was that thought again. Kagome narrowed her eyes and grinned to herself.

Dinner had been a stressful affair. Sesshoumaru had done little more than push his food around in his plate, glaring at it as though it would shrivel under his fiery gaze. As usual, her mother had been very understanding. 'Traitor.'

Kagome sighed into her pillow, happy that Sesshoumaru would be sleeping in an unfamiliar bed, in a confining house, and in a stinky world. He could be such an ass! She had put a lot of effort into cooking a good meal and Sesshoumaru's manners, though subdued, had been no more impressive than Inuyasha's. Didn't either of them have the word 'Thank' and 'You' in their vocabulary, preferably in consecutive order? Perhaps something spectacular would happen and teach him a lesson.

With those thoughts in mind, she drifted off into dreams of pale cheeks, nice and rosy from a well-deserved spanking.

Morning came much too early. Kagome could hear her little brother begging for the television remote, obviously a curious toy for his new playmate. When a growl filtered upstairs, she decided that she'd prefer a bath behind soundproof walls, as opposed to breakfast with someone more annoying than Souta. Finally sighing, Kagome decided to find out what her newest dog would find so interesting about cereal.

It didn't take long.

"What is this?" Sesshoumaru asked with disgust while raising a spoon that dripped with milk.

"It's cereal," Kagome sighed. She had known this would be a bad idea. She hadn't known how bad it would be until she had tried to make him taste each of the 'disgusting' pretty boxes of cereal.

"I give up! I'm taking a bath!" Dumping the last trial of every error into the sink, Kagome scowled and stalked away, leaving the Taiyoukai with nothing to do but play with his new toy, the Evil Remote Control.

'In other news; another body was found beneath…attributed to…worst serial killer this city has ever encountered…'

If only Kagome had been there. The expression on Sesshoumaru's face would have been priceless. As it was, she was only aware of the results. Crashing splats, coming from downstairs, brought her from the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around her well-toned figure. Wild-eyed and fearing the worst, she streaked through the living room and slid to a stop in the kitchen. Other than stray cans and boxes strewn across the floor, the house was empty. That's when she heard the dreaded word.


"Aaah!" she screamed in mortification and shot through the door only to be drawn up short.

Sesshoumaru stood in the middle of the courtyard, his hand dripping green acid and his eyes promising death to a pile of pretty boxes. Before a muscle could even twitch, there was nothing left but a hole in the ground—all of that cereal, gone to waste. 'Sesshoumaru…you've been a very bad dog!'

And then, the inevitable Kagome-emotions kicked in. Looking at the lack of materials that she had put so much time and effort into obtaining, her nose began to pink. Her eyes began to shimmer. Before she knew what was happening, tears were brimming over and her lips were trembling. 'I tried so hard and he has to destroy everything!' Soon, she was sniffling. All of her pretty boxes were gone. The only thing left was a mass of steaming, burning, green goop. Having her belly thumped by a hard shoulder didn't help. It only pushed her into sobs.

She didn't notice much, other than she was upside down again. Due to the water dribbling through her vision, blue shimmering light was cut into a sparkling kaleidoscope of color. The sound of bones crunching brought her out of her pity party and she realized that she was back on the other side of the well. Green and brown streaked by as a lump of red and white lay crumpled on the ground, quickly fading from view.

Once again, she found herself on her ass with splinters in her butt, for real this time. How embarrassing. Her mind quickly scanned the hut's disheveled corners for a face that she could trust to pull the little slivers of biting wood from her delicate skin. A cool draft cut through the haze of having had the air knocked out of her. 'Oh! Ah! No! My towel!'

Yanking the hem of the towel from her waist to cover her upper half, she stared up in horror. Sesshoumaru was scowling down at her. One second he was there, the next he was gone. The next, he was back with the old miko hanging from the back of her blouse. With care that Kagome never would have thought capable of Sesshoumaru, he set Kaede down beside her.

"Fix her!" he demanded.

Kaede stared at Sesshoumaru, who was staring at Kagome, who was staring back at Sesshoumaru. The first to come back to reality was the old miko. Of course. She turned to study Kagome then glared at Sesshoumaru. "Out, you pervert!" Kagome could have sworn that Sesshoumaru's cheeks had slightly pinked before he had turned and obeyed the old woman.

"What happened, my child?" Kaede asked, clearly concerned with Kagome's state of undress.

"I…I don't know. I was taking a bath and then I heard all this racket. I was scared to death that Sesshoumaru was doing something destructive. After I grabbed a towel and ran downstairs, I found him…" Kagome trailed off as tears brimmed up into her eyes again. "He was melting all of my boxes of cereal! And they were the prettiest ones, too!"

"You bastard! Kaze no…Ah!" was shouted from a far distance. The sound of swords clanging was all too clear and all too familiar. No one would die today.

By now, Kagome was sobbing. Kaede patted her on the shoulder and decided to get down to business. "Why did he bring you here without any clothing? Are you unwell? He told me to fix you."

"I don't know! I'm not sick or anything! He's just…just…a jerk!"

"Well, I don't sense any illness either. I'll make some tea while you get dressed," Kaede said, motioning toward a small chest sitting in the far back corner of the hut. The familiarity of tea was always calming, a secret Kagome had yet to learn.

"Thanks, Kaede," Kagome sniffled.

Once dressed, Kagome shifted around, trying to avoid the pain of wood shards in the cheeks of her abused bottom. The battle raged outside while tea was made and drank. By the time Kagome had gotten herself under control, the shouts and scuffling had ceased. She had been enjoying the peace and quiet. Then 'he' had to make an entrance, without invitation!

"What do you want!?" Kagome scowled.

Sesshoumaru glared at Kaede and she understood that it was her cue to leave. The manner in which he had commanded her to 'fix' Kagome, rightfully led her to believe that the girl would be safe in his presence. Of course, Kagome was none too happy to be alone with the tyrant. Determined to take the bull by the horns, or rather, the dog by the ears, Kagome decided that she would be the first to make demands…as soon as Kaede stepped out of the door.

"What the hell is wrong with you!? You killed my cereal, brought me here practically naked and then, turned around and attacked Inuyasha! Ach!"

Without warning, she had been forcibly yanked to her feet and was being sniffed by her current nemesis. Kagome gave her best impression of a growl that was quite pleasantly interrupted with a moan. 'I'm in love with that tongue.' All pleasantries aside, the dog had a few things to answer to…later…after he stuck his tongue back in his mouth. Unfortunately, that happened all too soon.

"You have not been harmed?"

Kagome stared at him with eyes glazed over.


"Um, oh, did you say something?"

"Are you well?"

'Aw, he sounds worried about me.' A nice sting in her butt reminded her that he wasn't so nice. "I would be fine if you hadn't dumped me on this floor with nothing for protection!"

"I was protecting you," he said with brows slightly scrunched. "That half-breed cannot be trusted."

"What are you talking about?" Oooh, she wanted to clobber him.

"He puts you in danger. You are no better. You bring death into your home without even thinking!"

Kagome just stared at him. Sure, he was concerned, but about what? 'Men! Making me repeat myself all the time. They must be deaf!'

"What are you talking about?" she asked nice and slow, hoping that he would actually hear her.

"Do not patronize me, woman!" Sesshoumaru sniffed while regaining his composure. "You bring a cereal killer into your home and expect me to do nothing!?"

She really didn't want to repeat herself…again! He was going to be the one to put a little effort into explaining himself. So, she waited for what seemed like eternity. He must have gotten the message.

"In your time," he spoke as slowly as she had, "seven women have been found dead, murdered by a cereal killer."

Kagome blinked. Her jaw dropped. Then she blinked again. Repetition had become a very bad habit. "Sooo, you think that the cereal I gave you kills women?"

"Humph. Even your own communication device declares it so. I have seen the bodies in your television box."

"And you believe that Inuyasha should protect me from the cereal," she stated very slowly, with mounting disbelief.

"Undoubtedly. It is his duty, is it not?" Sesshoumaru stated, raising a daring eyebrow.

"I think we need to have a little talk, Sesshoumaru," Kagome sighed.

"We are."

"I don't mean that." Kagome scrunched her eyes closed and scrubbed her eyelids. "The cereal that I bought is not the same kind of serial that you saw on TV."

After a brief explanation, Sesshoumaru appeared thoroughly chagrined and left without a word. Kagome felt bad for him, but not nearly as bad as for Inuyasha. The poor boy had been beaten within an inch of his life. While patching the unconscious brunt of Sesshoumaru's force, Kagome had a sudden epiphany.

"That bastard! That double damned bastard!"

She had barely finished bandaging Inuyasha's wounds before stomping back to the well and returning to her time, splinters and all. Once she arrived, she made sure to give clear warning.

"Sesshoumaru," she growled deep and low into the receiver.

"Yes," came an incredibly wry and sexy voice.

"Prepare yourself!" With that, she slammed the phone onto its base, hoping that his ears received the full force of her wrath.

Twenty minutes later, the door to their home was being kicked shut. She was ready, oh so ready to kick his ass! His ability to sit would be more diminished than hers. She was going to savor every minute of it.

'I am so going to get my revenge.'

Marching into the bedroom, she found cereal strewn all over the floor, Sesshoumaru, lying on his belly, naked down to his blue silk boxers, and a shiny pair of tweezers being twirled in his hand. If he thought that was anywhere near romantic, he had another thing coming.

"You used me to piss you off so you would have an excuse to torment Inuyasha!"

"I will only admit that my motives were multiple," he replied with a devious smirk.

"That's it! You will removed these splinters from my ass and then you will pay!" she shouted while yanking open the closet door and retrieving a paddle that had been made specifically for her use. Totosai could be very creative, particularly when it came to causing Sesshoumaru pain. Tonight, Sesshoumaru would feel the full power of Kagome's rod of correction. There were a few surprises to be had.

"Do you see this?" she asked, holding up a collar and leash while smiling. She could tell that he'd never seen 'This Kagome' before. He seldom, if ever, held such a wary gaze. Even his Popsicle wilted. Well, he should have been scared. The collar and leash were nowhere near ordinary. Once her hand had made contact, the magic radiating from it screamed 'submit'.

"You are going to lick that cereal off the floor while I give you what you deserve!"

That night, Sesshoumaru learned to associate cereal with more pain than he ever could have believed Kagome capable of dishing out. Thanks to his abused backside and vengeful nose, the serial killings mysteriously ceased.

Cereal was never again brought into the house.



No profits are received for the posting of this story. I do not own Inuyasha or any of the associated characters, I only live vicariously through them. Thanks for reading!