Welcome, everybody, to WTTTOROTF. Yes, I'm lazy with those acronyms.
Bit of a long intro here, but a couple of things of great importance I'd really like to mention. If you don't want to read through, I don't blame you! Skip to point four. ;)
one) I did hold this back because I was debating whether to release it as it is- it's not much like the first fic, and most of you seemed to love that one. But hey; I feel comfortable with it. Sucks to me if you lot hate it. :D Out of concern for your sanity, readers, I have broken it down into manageable sections and thus chapters. Don't ask me how this one part got longer than the entire first story.
two) To make sure I covered various perceptions, I got some friends to aid me in my quest to spread amusement and mockery of one of the most EPIC movies possibly EVER. ;D I'd like to give a shout-out to those incredible people who helped me by either making extensively detailed notes on the film, or braved watching it with me. Tebsy, Kyle, and Clumsy Peg, thank you so much. Er, and those friends who made random comments which sparked ideas. You're beautiful. [It's their fault this is so long.]
three) This is posted on a special occasion. It's someone's birthday today, someone amazingly special to me. :3 If it weren't for them, this would be posted next year sometime. Happy birthday! :D
four) I advise watching the film- or at least the first half of it- before reading, so as to refresh yourselves to its glory. :3
five) Please forgive any misquotes. I think I've been as accurate as humanely possible, but I had to type up quite a few lines from the film, you see. Point them out in a PM or something.
Um... I really, really hope you all enjoy and this lives up to any expectation you might have.
I repeat that I love the movie-verse; it's amazing. I do this just for great laffs and in the hope that it brings you great, guffawing, joyful laffs too, so please don't hate me if you dislike something in the fiction below.
Warning: There be giant spoilers for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ahead. Arr!
Italics indicate lines from ROTF, yeasss.
Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not even own Halo. I do not own Naruto- and how it pains me to say it, I do not own Star Wars, nor anything to do with these epic franchises.
I feel so insignificant now, but finally, we're off! :D
Megatron had been waiting for the call.
Not that he'd admit it, of course- he was Megatron, in case you'd forgotten. He admits to nothing.
He stood suddenly, scowled in a most evil fashion, then shouted (a demanding task when you have a hoarse rasp for a voice). "STAAARSCRRREAM! SOUUNDWAAVE!"
Soundwave, who had been at a computer nearby, calmly turned his helm. "Lord Megatron...?"
Megatron silently began a countdown. 3...2...1...
Starscream burst into the room, null-rays fully charged and just ready to spit insults.
"Not today," Megatron sighed, waving a hand.
The Seeker twitched, tripping in his shock, and splatted gracefully onto the unforgiving floor.
"Get up, you pathetic excuse for a Decepticon."
"Yeah," Soundwave agreed melodically. "Get up."
"You called," Starscream snarled, unpeeling himself from the ground.
"We're going on a road trip!"
"Excellent," the colourful Seeker hissed. "Excell... where to, mighty Megatron?"
"To the cinema!" the Commander roared dramatically. "The cinemaaaaa-!"
"Wh- you do realise the cinema is no source of energon?"
"Of course, yeaas-!"
"...Are the Autobots there? Are we going to trap and crush the-"
"Yeaas, we are." Megatron strode to the door. "Thistime, movie-me is going to pound Optimus so hard that he can't even stand. Then I'm going to kill him. Then I'm going to laugh until he feels humiliated, and then I'll clone him again and again and kill all of his clones! Then I'll express more amusement!"
He waited modestly for their approval.
Soundwave barely hesitated. "Conclusion; a fine plan."
Megatron proceeded to laugh in an evil, wheezy fashion as he continued out of the room. "Gather the appropriate mechs for this mission."
Starscream side-glanced Soundwave. "...You can't be serious. That's the most useless 'plan' I've ever heard- and that is an achievement considering we never actually get anything done around here."
"Agreed. Movie; out of our hands."
"...He won't take it out on you, though, if we lose again."
"We are Decepticons!" Megatron's voice rasped back through the corridor. "We do not lose!"
"We did last time!" Starscream shrieked, and ran after him. "Because of you and your mistakes! Why were you so tunnel-visioned? May I remind you that if we had concentrated on the Autobots first and thengone after the human, everything would have-"
"May I remind you that you fled?"
"You ran away."
"Let's not get into an argument: we have a battle to win."
Soundwave sighed, and let his helm gently collide with the monitor in front of him.
"But we're probably going to lose because of your antiquated strat-"
"Silence, Starscream," Megatron replied gleefully. "Today, we shall be..."
Optimus raised an optic ridge at both of them. "United...? You two?"
He had been posing in the foyer when the Decepticons had arrived (with much drama, of course).
"GO TO THE SCREEN," Megatron roared at his minions. "No, wait! Constructicons, get the best seats! Soundwave! Take control of technical thingymabobs from the Autobots! Reason; they suck! Blackout- I don't know if that's you or not, but glare menacingly at everyone-"
Optimus regarded Starscream. "And you're happy being united?"
The Seeker scowled. "The orn I unite with Megatron is the orn I become a humble and obedient servant, Prime."
Having had finished commanding everyone around, Megatron cuffed him cheerfully. "And that orn is today!"
Starscream hissed. "Any orders?"
"...Go and um... do something."
"Oh, use your over-bragged about processor and think of something." Megatron turned to Optimus. "I hope you're ready to lose, Prime."
"Didn't you say that when we went to see the first one?"
"...No. Anyway, where are all the fleshlings? I haven't even seen one!"
"Ah, that's because I've arranged a controlled hand-over," the mech replied nobly. "My fellow Autobots are organising them as we speak."
"OH MY GAWWWWD! GIANT ROBOTS!" A human shrieked their way into the foyer, then ran straight into Megatron's leg.
He was swiftly followed by a small army of fleshy beings, all stampeding around.
"That way...!" Optimus raised his voice slightly, and pointed towards the door. "...Try not to panic, Megatron. They'll be gone in a moment."
The Decepticon twitched. "It touched me."
Another human screamed and flailed their arms above their head, wailing about Doom and other such lovely things, and successfully encouraging more of his ilk to join him.
"ALL I WANTED WAS TO SEE EVIL TRIUMPH OVER GOOD FOR ONCE! WAS THAT SO WRONG?"
"NOW SATAN IS HEEERE!"
"SATANS," a female corrected noisily, although I doubt whether you can have a plural of Satan. Oh well. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
Starscream shuddered furiously and strode over to her. "YOU! FLESHLING!"
"She has been chosen!"
"Bow before her-"
Starscream's null-rays powered up in reflexive anger. He grabbed the woman roughly, then hurled her out of the room. "GET OOOOOOOUT!"
The humans all paused for a moment in shock before hoarding after her. "We are granted life!"
"The shrieky one lets us live!"
Starscream's wings flicked as he stamped away, heading to their screening. "I have had enough of today!"
Optimus gently touched Megatron's shoulder. "...Are you okay?"
The Commander jolted back into life. "Y-yes. The thing just startled me, that's all."
"It's gone now...thank you for not killing it."
"You should be grateful. I was that close." Megatron indicated how close he had been with a finger and thumb.
"That is indeed close," Optimus whistled. "You managed to control yourself, though."
They headed after Starscream- after Optimus collected his popcorn, of course- but paused in front of the closed door.
"Well, open it," Megatron demanded.
"I can't! I have popcorn in my hands!"
"I'm not opening it."
"Why? It's the logical-"
"I'm not opening a door for you."
Optimus sighed. "I can't open the door. Not that I'd open it for a rusty thing like you, anyway."
"Reducing yourself to mere insults now, Prime?" Megatron leant against the wall. "Surrender and open the door."
"Not everything is a battle, Megatron! There are no winners in opening a door for someone!"
Megatron didn't agree. "STAAAARSSCCRREEEEEAAAAAAM!"
There was a faint shriek from inside the room. "WHAT NOW?"
Prime sighed. "Do you all have to be so melodramatic?"
"Of course," Megatron replied.
Starscream swung open one of the doors moodily. "How may I be of service, oh mighty Megatron?"
"Don't you love it when he says things like that?" The silver mech pushed past Starscream and strode inside.
"Doesn't he ever realise you're being sarcastic?" Optimus asked the Seeker, bewildered.
"His blindness has reached the point of me sometimes wondering whether I'm being sarcastic or not."
"Thank you for opening the door, anyway."
"Is that what I was called for?"
Optimus debated lying. "...Yes."
Starscream hissed and strangled the air. "I'm going to kill him!"
The Autobot looked around, seeing no free seats. "Where exactly am I sitting? Do you know?"
"...I saw your cardboard cut-out in the front row." Starscream gestured.
Bumblebee waved frantically. "OPTIMUS! HERE!"
Prime reached the front and saw a heroically posing Optimus reclining in a chair. "Aha-! Thank you. ...Who made these cut-outs?"
A little further along, Ratchet pointed at Ironhide. "It's part of his rehab."
"Ah enjoy paintin'! Takes mah processah off-"
"No, Ironhide!" Ratchet produced a wrench and pointed it at him. "What did you do wrong?"
The red mech panicked. "Ah did somethin' wrong?"
"No thinking of explosions or weapons."
"It's for your own good, Ironhide."
A huge white mech coughed politely. "Is it wise to bring him to a Michael Bay film?"
"He has to face them sooner or later. Besides, this one can't be as full of explosions. ...And you would be?"
"There isn't a Skyfire inthis film!" Megatron shouted, slamming himself into his seat.
There was a crunch as his cut-out was crushed.
Ironhide whimpered. "Mah hard work..."
Megatron snarled and ripped it out from underneath him. The face was hideously deformed, and his previously neatly painted scowl was now a delirious smile.
"Ah, s'undamaged," Ironhide beamed.
"Damn good," Sideswipe agreed, bouncing down the steps and jumping into his seat.
Optimus turned around to face him. "Where's Sunstreaker?"
"...He's not in Revenge of the Fallen."
There was a wail of anguish from outside.
"Well, he can come in and watch it, you know."
"SUNNY! COME IN!"
A long pause and a whoop preceded a reply. "NO! I SHALL DO WHAT I MUST!"
Loud smashing sounds followed this.
"Is he wrecking the place?"
"My guess is that he's going off to find my trine mates," Starscream sighed.
"JET JUDO! Now I'm tempted to leave!"
"The fool is going to get pulverised," Megatron shrugged. "His loss."
"We're having a truce," Optimus reminded. "No one is going to be pulverised... except your movie-self and therefore your ego, Megatron!"
"PLAY!" The Decepticon Commander roared. "These pathetic cheesy sparring matches rile me!"
Soundwave began the film.
Ironhide, looking around, was worried. "Ah think- this everyone tha's sposed to be here?"
"...Well, we have plenty of nameless Decepticons," Megatron shrugged, "so they'll suffice. Your side?"
"Um..." Optimus did a helm-count. "There aren't very many... we must be missing someone-"
Ratchet scoffed. "Jolt doesn't exist, and Mudflap and Skids are essentially just figments of your processor. I think I've seen one of them about once, ever. Arcee barely cameos, so we're okay."
Arcee growled and pulled a gun from sub-space. "You wanna say that again?"
"Shut it, femme." Ratchet sniffed. "They never wanted your kind in the movie anyway, so they kil-"
"STOP!" Optimus howled. "No spoilers! Have you watched it already?"
"No. I just have... contacts."
"...Did you read the book!" Starscream shrieked. "You did! You read the novelisation!"
Ratchet blew upwards onto his chevron nonchalantly. "I'm saying nothing. Especially not about how you get-"
Jazz burst in. "Am I alive yet?"
The Porsche drooped, then saw that the film hadn't begun. "RADICAL!"
Megatron groaned. "Tell me he's not just going to stand there the whole time."
"...No way José," Jazz grinned, throwing himself onto a seat. "I can't wait t'see my resurrection."
"No one likes you. There is no chance of you coming back," Megatron snarled.
"The adverts always take so loooong!" Bumblebee whined, distracting them all.
Jazz helpfully threw an instruction manual at Soundwave. "...Hey, Soundsy- y'can skip them. I did it last time. Just-"
"What's the point in them?" Ratchet fumed, nearly at a ranting level. "No one wants adverts unless they're late and stuck outside the cinema, trying to buy a ticket! And only humans would be late!"
The blue Decepticon frowned, confused. "Purpose; advertising. Adverts compile the most thrilling sequences-"
"Soundwave," Megatron hissed, "Skip to the film."
The blue mech did so, not even pausing once. Not even for Harry Potter. "Lord Megatron; Soundwave has a query."
"Query; is Frenzy alive?"
"If not, and you're carrying a lifeless body within your chassis, that's disgusting."
"Not in the movie-verse," Ratchet answered, seeing Megatron was misunderstanding the question. "He died."
Soundwave turned away. They could see his shoulders shake slightly.
"...It was... a highly courageous death," Optimus reassured. "He was outnumbered by many over twice his height. And many times his width."
The Decepticon sniffed quietly. "Support; unnecessary... but Soundwave is grateful."
"Soundwave-!" Megatron snarled, heedless of the moment. "You've passed the beginning!"
Starscream tutted, preening at the thought of someone else being the target of Megatron's wrath (for once).
"Don't push it," the Commander hissed immediately. "I'm sure there will be amazing displays of uselessness from you."
"SHUSH! We're starting!" Jazz shrieked.
"Can't you feel the tension rising?" Arcee sighed.
Sideswipe frowned. "What tension?"
Skyfire thought he should answer. "The tense electronic sounds, and the dark, foreboding clouds of Dreamworks-"
There was a short silence as the opening credits continued, eventually resting for a moment on a dark screen.
"...Before time bega-"
"SIDESWIPE!" Optimus roared, emphasising his displeasure with a punch.
"Earth. Birthplace of the human race-"
"I'M BACK!" Optimus cried, throwing his arms into the air. "It feels good to have such a commanding presence with voice alone!"
Megatron scowled. "Be silent, Prime. I can't hear your masculine tones."
"Sorry," Optimus mouthed.
"-a species much like our own; capable of great compassion... and great violence. For in our quest-"
Arcee was already scornful. "Would this compassion be whilst they're hunting that tiger?"
"...Do tigers actually live in Egypt?"
"That's a Bengal Tiger," Skyfire helpfully identified. "It would reside in As-"
"Michael Bay says so," Optimus replied. "It must be so. Do not question him."
"Stop picking holes in his movie! We're under half a minute in!"
"-our quest to protect the humans-"
"HA!" Megatron stood, clenching a fist happily. "You must protect them from something, and it must be me! For I am-"
"Terrible and evil," Optimus agreed. "Now hush and sit down."
"-worlds have met before."
"...Imagine Earth an' Cybertron smashin' inta each other," Ironhide pondered. "Or sayin' 'Hi' as they pass in orbit-"
Ratchet hit him. "Why would you even-?"
"Wouldn't it be funny," Megatron announced, "if that lone human standing on that pointy cliff fell and bounced to his death?"
Ironhide giggled in appreciation.
A large plot device was revealed onscreen, with many beings prancing around nearby.
"What in the name of Unicron are they?" Sideswipe demanded. "They're so thin!"
Skyfire spoke up. "I would assume that they are some kind of ancient ancestors of ours-"
"Well, they're not humans," Megatron jeered. "Well done."
"They're just anorexic Cybertronians," Optimus defended. "Leave them be!"
Onscreen, a human bared his teeth.
"Nice," Jazz winced. "He needs some floss. Or a toothbrush, or something."
"They're ugly looking, anorexic Cybertronians," Starscream corrected Prime's earlier statement. "Just look at that one!"
Said ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being angrily stamped around, and-
"EUUGH-!" Arcee squealed. "What arethose?"
"...What things?" Jazz asked.
"They're on his face! They- they wiggled!"
"Maybe he's just pleased to see the humans," Megatron suggested.
"Do you wiggle when you see humans?" Sideswipe sniggered.
"...Wouldn't you like to know?"
The Transformers watched as he picked up a wriggling, shouting human.
"Hands; Soundwave suggests ugly anorexic being washes them," Soundwave remarked disgustedly.
The ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being dramatically huffed and snarled angrily in a close up.
"...I wouldn't like t'run inta him in a dark alleyway," Jazz commented.
"Why? If it was dark, you wouldn't see his disgusting face," Starscream argued, not quite understanding the terminology.
"...Starscream, if dark alleyways which negate ugly faces make y'feel better about yer part-time profession, that's up t'you."
The Seeker frowned. "My part time...what?"
Jazz's snigger was lost as a shrieking Starscream jumped on him. "Steady, Screamer! I'm not one of y'cust-"
Megatron snarled as he paced over. "I am trying to watch this film!"
"He's insulting me!" Starscream screeched.
"And? It's not like it's new to you," Sideswipe yawned.
"-major toxic spill-"
"What do I care for toxic spills in Shanghai!" Optimus scowled, focused entirely on the film.
Megatron took one of his Air Commander's wings and dragged him back to his seat. "I think you need to learn another lesson."
Starscream hissed. "Get a life."
"You will stay on the floor again," the Decepticon Lord decreed, slamming the other mech onto the ground.
The Seeker twitched and scrambled to his feet. "But- you can't be serious! This film is even longer than the first! I-"
"Face your punishment like a Decepticon," Megatron growled, pointing to the carpet near his feet.
"Yeah," Ratchet interjected. "Run away."
Starscream glared at the Autobots, then at Megatron's menacing finger and slowly sank to the floor. "This is so unfair. Do you know how uncomfortable this is?"
An official looking operations centre appeared. "...Chinese airspace has been locked and sealed; one mile radius."
"Give NEST team the go."
"Woah, wait-!" Jazz gasped.
"What now?" Ratchet scowled.
"That's th'dude!" Jazz looked around excitedly. "He was in th'desert in TF1, remember? He died!"
"...Oh, him." Bumblebee giggled. "That guy who said 'We willkillyou', then got obliterated by Blackout?"
"We don't know that he died," Optimus sighed. "It's widely assumed, but-"
"Don't ruin my moment-!" Jazz shrieked. "If he can come back, so can I!"
Ironhide twitched. "Tha's no-"
"-bad robot out there better get ready for an ass-whoopin'!"
Ratchet hurled a wrench at the screen. Luckily, it was foam, and merely bounced off. "...Who replaced my wrenches?"
"I wanted to be able to watch the film," Optimus admitted calmly.
"Does that idiot expect to be taken seriously?" Ratchet decided his Wrath was better expelled towards the movie. "An ice-creamvan? Actually saying'ding-a -ling'?"
Jazz laughed geekily. "Hehheh... you said 'ding-a-ling'."
Before serious harm could come to him, there was a diversion to soothe Ratchet's anger.
"Not only those things, but he is also pink," Starscream agreed with the medic. "This is outrageous."
"Not to mention that he'll likely be an Autobot," Optimus sighed. "He won't be a Decepticon, as most people seem to think that they have more self-respect than Autobots."
"It is true," Megatron cut in. "One example; you wouldn't catch me being lubricated on by a small runty thing. Nor lubricating onsomeone."
Bumblebee felt a pointed glare. "...I thought it was funny...?"
"It'sa 'con!" Ironhide sighed in relief as the purple emblem was revealed on the side of the van.
"Primus, no!" Megatron snickered. "You missed the Autobot symbol displayed proudly on the front."
Indeed, the camera was still focusing on the vehicle.
"For the last two years-"
"For once, I'm soglad that your voice is back," Ratchet sighed, closing his optics. "...It's like a sedative."
"Not in a bad way though, Prime," Jazz agreed, relaxing completely. "It's so soothing, like..."
"My cannon blasting your helm off of my shoulder," Megatron snarled, shaking the saboteur off of him. "...Dirty Autobot."
"We're locked and loaded."
"We?" Sideswipe frowned, then turned to Arcee. "Did the movie-you just say we? As in plural?"
"We!" the femme shrieked. "What is that supposed to mean? Why are there three-"
Humans scurried about and drove some small forms of transport around conspicuously- until the camera switched to a welcome face.
"-right, listen up."
"Damn, he's sexy," Arcee sighed. Feeling many pairs of optics suddenly burn through her, she felt a need to continue. "...In human terms, of course."
"What do I care for toxic spills?" Optimus raged. "This advanced-team thing had better not be some kind of cleaning job!"
"Reduced to clearing human waste?" Megatron chuckled. "Oh, the hilarity. The hilarity!"
"Why is he sweating?" Jazz asked. "He's not exertin' himself, is he?"
"-this makes six enemy contacts-"
"Get in,"a certain evil Decepticon cheered. "My boys are going to kill you all!"
Optimus didn't even need to reply.
Skyfire disagreed with the statement. "Note that the contacts have not been anything more than contacts."
"Note that Earth is not controlled by Decepticons," Sideswipe shrugged.
Ratchet stuck his wrench in. "Note that you're failing."
"...This is Starscream's fault," Megatron snarled. "He's supposed to be in command in my absence. He's failing."
Starscream was about to shriek in righteous outrage (or unrighteous, depending on what you think of the back-stabbing weasel/ inexplicably adorable Air Commander).
"-keep it tight."
Megatron snickered. "Yeah, Optimus, keep it tight."
"-calledNEST. Wehuntfor what remains of our Decepticon foes-"
"I just loved the way you said NEST," Arcee sighed. "You sounded so... firm... and-"
"Sounding a bit vicious, Prime," Megatron remarked- not that he was worried, of course.
"Yeah, well, yeah."
"...Movie-you is admirably brutal," the silver mech continued. "Except you're still weak and could never defeat me."
"-around the globe."
"And again," Arcee wailed happily. "The gluhhhhooobbbe. How do you do it?"
Optimus sighed heroically. "I don't know. ...I just don't know."
Ratchet sniggered as the back of a vehicle opened and humans on smaller wheeled machines reversed out. "Wouldn't it be funnier if they fell off?"
"Do they think they're playing Halo?" Sideswipe wondered as the humans rode around on their transports en masse. "How many Warthogs and Mongoose-things do they need?"
"Why don't they walk, the lazy mammals?" Ratchet thrust a hand into the air. "No wonder they're so unfit."
"I doubt that these men are unfit," Skyfire tried. "They must be at the peak of possible health if they are part of such an-"
"Alright, Ironhide. We got echoes."
"Did tha' human jus' patmah-?"
The Transformers watched Ironhide's grunt-filled transformation.
"...This might be good if we could see anything."
"Why is the shot so close-up?"
Optimus was otherwise occupied. "Ironhide, you had human soldiers riding in you... did you give them a chance to get out?"
"He's here; I smell 'im."
"That's inappropriately amusing," Jazz giggled.
Onscreen, humans scurried around (in)conspicuously.
"It's close! Getting closer!"
"What rating is this film again?" Optimus asked, wondering if he should cover Bumblebee's optics.
"Ohno-!" another familiar soldier exclaimed dramatically.
The damned-sexy one appeared. "What've you got?"
"A thermal ripple."
"A thermal ripple?" Arcee frowned.
"Is that supposed to mean something?" Starscream asked, bewildered.
"...sounds a bit threatenin', ah suppose..."
"-be steady... we're almost on top of him...!"
Sideswipe tried out the potential threat on a random Decepticon. "I'll give you a thermal ripple-!"
There was a giant explosion.
Ratchet sighed. "Was that only five minutes in?"
"Wouldn't it be amusing," Starscream suddenly announced, "if those bouncing pipes hit and squashed a human? ...I know you're all thinking it."
His commander gave an approving chuckle. "Yeasss, yeassss...!"
There was another explosion.
"This is a well-contained situation," Optimus sighed. "Why didn't they let us deal with it? Seriously, what hope do they have?"
"They surely could have planned it better," Megatron agreed.
"Requesting fire missionnow-!"
"Why does the dead guy look so annoyed?"
"Gunships on station, roll in hot!"
"The humans do realise that those are helicopters, and not ships?" Jazz wondered.
"...Nor do they roll," Sideswipe agreed.
The Decepticon smashed some helicopters casually as if he did it every day.
"Why were the humans flying so close to him?"
"They were asking to be hit," Megatron scowled.
"He could just have been stretching," Arcee shrugged. "He might not even have wanted to kill anyone."
Ironhide agreed. "It's not his faul-"
"WHERE AM IIIII?" Optimus wailed.
Onscreen, a car's headlights flashed suddenly.
"We got a second Decepticon!"
"...Does turning your lights on make you a Decepticon?"
"Obviously. Those lights are bad-aft."
"Arcee,twins! Target coming your way!"
The Transformers watched in awe for a minute as the snazzy Audi zipped along, oblivious to Arcee's attacks.
"Is Arcee- I mean, the Arcee threesome just stroking him?"
Ratchet was disgusted. "Seriously, could she be more ineffective-"
"Go, nameless 'con with some protective aura-!" Megatron laughed, then turned completely serious. "I have to get me some of that stuff..."
Optimus paused. "Is that five versus one, and he's still getting away?"
"...Wow," Arcee concluded in the resulting silence. "We suck."
The anonymous Decepticon dived through a building, as you do.
Jazz frowned behind his visor. "...Why did that human throw themselves to the floor?"
Starscream was unhappy too. "The other doesn't even move!"
"Ah," Bumblebee declared suddenly. "That's a cool looking Decepticon!"
"Where?" Jazz was confused.
"...You blinked; you missed him."
The ice cream van crashed, revealing that there were, in fact, two Transformers within.
"This is like those Russian doll things," Megatron exclaimed. "Perhaps there's more hidden within those two! Then I can destroy them all at once, and feel ultra satisfied-!"
"Please do," Ratchet grumbled. "I have a feeling we're going to hate them even more shortly."
"I screwed that up. I'm okay, I'm alright-"
"Seriously," Optimus muttered. "I hope he dies."
A particular red Autobot clenched a fist in excitement as a silver Transformer appeared. "Oh yes.Bring in the sex- that's what they should have said!"
"Clear a path!"
"Wait- why can't you bring in yourself?" Starscream asked.
"Why, idiot, are you being ordered around by a human?"
Sideswipe froze for a moment. "...Don't ruin this!"
"Sorry." The Seeker shrugged. "Just seems stupid."
There was a moment of utter coolness as movie-Sideswipe flipped into the air like some kind of ninja, shooting at and simultaneously hurling a sword at the Decepticon below.
They watched the nameless 'con be impaled.
"...Is he just slowing down?" Jazz demanded.
Ironhide was incredulous. "He's not goin' t'transform an' fight?"
"He's not going to speed up and flee?" Starscream screeched, then paused. "...Not that I do such things."
"...Damn, I'm good."
"OMIGOSH HOW AWESOME AM I?" Sideswipe shrieked.
"Did they get your personalities mixed up with Sunny?"
"If you want my opinion rudely imposed upon you," Megatron shouted, "then I say it was cheesy and ruined the moment!"
Nearly everyone ignored him.
"No one cares about your opinion," Starscream scowled. "It's not even worth sharing, so save it next time."
Megatron twitched and kicked the conveniently placed Seeker. "...My opinion is fact!"
"That isn't so!" Starscream hissed, ignoring the fact he had toppled to one side.
"...Uh, yes it is."
"Silence, you two!" Prime ordered. "Behave, or get out!"
"...Only if he takes it back," Starscream muttered.
Optimus narrowed his optics. "There will be nomore time spent on this. Understood?"
"...Yes, Prime. "
There was a happy moment of silence.
Megatron rapidly snapped at Starscream. "Yesitis."
The Unicycle of Doom continued down a bridge.
"-we need big Buddha-"
"-four, three, two-"
"LOOK!" Optimus howled, jumping out of his seat and diving to stand right in front of the screen, fists clenched before him in sheer exhilaration. "That's my flamboyant counterpart!"
"His headlights are on," Ratchet noted.
"Doesn't that make him a bad guy, like Nameless Decepticon #2?"
"Why are they on anyway? He's in a plane."
Optimus flung his arms into the air and whooped. "GET READY TO BURN, DECEPTICONS! FEEL MY FLAMES!"
"Get back here," Ratchet growled. "You're in the way, big Buddha."
"...Why is my codename 'big Buddha'?" Optimus suddenly realised, returning to his seat.
"Hahahaaaa," Megatron laughed dramatically. "You're driving out of a plane and you can't fly!This movie is as good as mine once you smack into the ground and offline!" He paused. "...Although only Ican kill you."
There was a moment of stunned silence before parachutes blossomed out from movie-Optimus.
"Suck on that, Megatron! I bet you don't have parachutes... with yoursymbolon!"
"Curse you, Optimus Prime!" the Decepticon wrangled the air, then pointed at the screen. "You have different blades from before! They're curvy, and-"
"Autobots-! I'm in pursuit!"
"...I like the way you address the Autobots, and not the humans," Ratchet approved. "Suck on the division,fleshlings!"
"Woah, Ratch!" Ironhide gawped.
"A little passionate," Sideswipe agreed. "...But I like it. No mammal tells mewhen I will be brought in!"
"Yeah!" Arcee cheered. "I'm all for the good-looking human eye-candy, but a niftily flipping Optimus is all the better!"
"...Is someone going to come along afterwards and pick those parachutes up?" Skyfire asked. "They'll just be lying on the floor somewhere; great, big-"
"Speedy transformation!" Optimus gasped. "...I've really cut down on how long it takes me since Transformers 07!"
Movie-Optimus flung himself at Nameless Decepticon #1 in a heroically selfless manner- and then swung lamely and uselessly from him.
"Nice jump, Prime." Megatron scorned.
"...Wha exactly is movie-you hopin' t'do?" Ironhide asked, confused.
Bumblebee had faith. "Optimus always has a plan!"
"Watch and learn, fools!" The leader of the Autobots discreetly crossed his fingers.
Movie-Ironhide dramatically burst through some flames.
"Pull over!" movie-Prime demanded rudely from his new perch.
"...Well, at least the scriptwriters got one thing right," Ratchet noted. "So far, the cheesy lines have been of an almost cringe-worthy quality."
"You didn't even wait for Nameless Decepticon #1 to reply before you started blasting, Prime!" Starscream sneered. "Such-"
"Shut up, Starscream," Optimus ordered. "Ironhide, your movie-self is shooting at Nameless Decepticon #1, but how did you get there? How did you catch up?"
"You're soo sloooow," Jazz frowned at the red mech. "How did y'do it?"
Nameless Decepticon #1 suddenly toppled, skidding under a bridge with much scraping and ado.
"See now, that is why you need legs and not two giant wheels," Ratchet lectured. "Had he legs, he could get up."
"But he doesn't, so he won't," Megatron snarled. "Shame on you, Autobots!"
There was a slight pause as the other occupants of the room wondered whether to remind him that there was no reason for the Autobots to be shameful at this moment.
"Punk-ass Decepticon!" movie-Ironhide announced, huffing his way over.
"...I love your voice," Arcee sighed, clasping her hands together. "So... so refined, yet-"
"Ah think so too," Ironhide agreed. "Prime, can ah shoot him?"
Megatron sighed and turned to Optimus. "...Let me get something straight, Prime."
The Autobot turned his helm slightly. "Yup?"
"That one, there, is Optimus Prime. ...You."
"...That's what I thought."
"So why is he being so menacing?"
Optimus frowned. "He's only shooting off one-liners."
"This is not your planet to rule... the Fallen shall rise again-!"
"Sounds like ah plot bunny," Ironhide yawned. "Prime, can ah shoot him now?"
In many continents around the world, fangirls died at Optimus' new hard side.
"Did movie-Optimus just shoot his face?"
"Well..." Skyfire noted, "If he wanted to rise and rule today,this 'Fallen' character have about two hours left, seeing as it is after ten o' clock. Therefore, Prime's factual deliverance contains rather less of an impact than it w-"
"Not only is he being menacing, he's being rather cruel," Megatron continued. "You can't just go up to someone before you kill them and-"
"Woah, Megatron." Prime snorted. "Any more on how scary movie-me is, and I'll start to think you're afraid of him-"
"Never! NEVERRRRR!" Megatron roared. "I FEAR-"
"Popcorn?" Optimus shoved a bag under his nasal-plating.
"Starscream!" the Decepticon Commander hissed. "What are you doing?"
The Seeker frowned and turned. "Watching the film...?"
"Do not lie!"
"But I'm not lying!"
"You disgustme!" Megatron kicked him.
"WHAT! That was totally uncalled for!"
"Abusing you is always called for. Now shut up; can't you see I'm trying to watch? ...What did I miss?"
Starscream immediately clung onto his leg. "You missed two dogs hum-"
"NO, STARSCREAM!" Megatron hurriedly hit him again. "Young people could be reading this! ...Rewind, Soundwave. I must see whatever I have missed."
There was an outpour of complaint, mostly consisting of "NOOOOOO", "WHAT THE FRAG?", and "Please- no! I'll do anything!".
Megatron was set on rewinding, though. So rewind Soundwave did.
"Stop here, heeeerrrre!"
The main human appeared. "Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?"
Optimus huffed. "That's a stupid question. I wish Icould get rid of him."
"-got other ideas for your room, and it rhymes with home theatre."
Bumblebee blinked happily. "Foam St. Peter?"
Ratchet cuffed him. "That's a stupid idea! What would that mean? I think it would be... chrome parking meter."
"Home space theatre?" Jazz went more out there.
"Comb your heater?" Optimus shrugged.
"It's your little baby booties!"
"...They're very clean baby booties," Starscream puzzled.
"I concur," Skyfire pouted thoughtfully. "The footwear is near spotless, but one would assume the immature human would be journeying across-"
"No, Skyfire. Stop."
"March, young lady-!"
There was silence. Optimus reached out and wordlessly covered Bumblebee's optics.
"That was a really creepy move-"
"For once, the human is right," Megatron croaked.
"Please, Soundwave. For the love of everything, forward this."
The Transformers watched the scene in high speed.
"What in Pit are those dogs doing!"
Bumblebee pulled at Optimus' hand. "What's going on?"
"Shush, Bumblebee," Prime replied. "I'm protecting you."
"Faster, Soundwave!" Megatron hissed.
Jazz snickered. "That's wha' they all say."
"Wait, wait- it's that thing from the first movie!"
Soundwave resumed the film at normal speed.
"I thought humans generally wore clothes...?" Skyfire pouted in thought.
"...Mike? Is it Mike?" Ironhide frowned as he tried to remember.
"Mike is a male's name," Ratchet corrected, scowling at the girl-thing who was clearly posing on a bike.
"Muhuhmuhhh," Bumblebee whined, pawing at Optimus.
Prime blinked, then firmly shook his helm- not that the yellow mech could see. "No, Bumblebee. It's still too visual."
"...That doesn't even look comfortable," Starscream puzzled, tilting his helm to see if it looked any comfier at another angle.
Megatron hurriedly covered the Seeker's optics, roaring at the screen. "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
Starscream flailed with a screech. "What are you doing?"
"I am protecting your innocence," the Commander replied. "Now shut up and be grateful."
The bright mech shrieked hysterically. "I'm the Second in Commandof the DECEPTICONS! I HAVE NO INNOCENCE-"
"Silence," Megatron ordered, slamming Starscream's helm back into the seat behind him. It splintered and broke, prompting a scowl. "Now look what you've done!"
"I can't seeeeeee," Starscream wailed, scratching at him.
"That's because you're useless."
Mike spoke. "I'm breaking up with you, Sam."
"I'm not hearing a lot of conviction-"
"Sam, my boy... that is because she can't act," Optimus muttered.
"-you almost sounded serious that time."
"Practice; it makes perfect," Soundwave nodded.
"You kept your nasty, shredded clothes?"
"Of course he did," Prime shrugged. "I touched him whilst he was wearing them. It was a great honour."
"No," Megatron hissed. "Itouched him! He keeps them as myprivilege!"
"You did not!"
"Did not! I, and I alonetouched Samuel Witwicky!"
The two Commanders- each with a hand covering (in one case, a quietly snarling) subordinate's optics- glared at each other.
"...Can I just say I thought keeping the clothes was disgusting?" Sideswipe offered.
"No- NO!" Megatron growled. "Disgusting is MY WORD!"
"Woah, remain calm an' in yer seat," Jazz helpfully butted in.
"It's just that my self-esteem is at an all-time high," the boy said.
"Not for long, fleshy!" Ratchet howled.
"That's not gonna happen until I get my man-child fatherfreshout ofprison back-"
"...Shout it out, why don't you?" Starscream hissed, still trying to wrestle Megatron's hand away from his face. "Declare your deviant relative to the world!"
"Yes, she's just going to drop her entire life so she can spend some time with the boy," Megatron snorted, clouting him cheerfully. "JOKE."
Optimus growled, already covering Bumblebee's audio receptors. "This is ridiculous!"
Soundwave slowly toppled over, smashing into the floor.
"What's up with Soundsy?" Sideswipe pouted over.
"...I don't think his processor can handle it," Ratchet diagnosed.
"Why can't I hate you?"
Ironhide huffed. "Mike, there's hate enough ova' here t'cover for that."
Suddenly, the boy's eyes flashed in an alarming fashion.
"What's wrong with him?"
Ratchet scowled. "There's nothing wrong with him... yet."
The Cube fragment suddenly burst from Sam's fingers and jauntily journeyed down into his kitchen.
"...Why did the Allspark react?" Optimus frowned, finally removing his hands away from Bumblebee's helm.
"There's a fire-!"
"Burn, fleshling!" Megatron cheered.
"I want to see him buuurnnn!" Starscream wailed desperately, trying to heave the other mech's hand away from his face. "Please! Twelve year old humans get to see this film!"
"And you're even more immature," Megatron reminded kindly, keeping his optics covered. "Be a good boy and shush; the adults are trying to watch."
"Eh," Ironhide pointed. "Tha' mini-bot has ah-"
"Gun on his crotch...?" Optimus paled and covered Bumblebee's optics again.
"See, Prime? You were too quick to trust Bay. It will be your downfall," Megatron warned, stamping on a now-raging Starscream.
"Why are they going to seek out Sam?"
"Why are they all Decepticons?"
"Idiots!" Jazz cried. "Do not question!"
Optimus agreed. "It's called lack of reason behind a plot. And where that little device is, he comes hand in hand with his twin; lack of character development."
Starscream's audios pricked at the sound of weapon fire. "Is he being killed? Obliterated? Can I see? Can I see?"
"...Why aren't their guns working?" Ratchet shouted, hurling another wrench at the screen- this time, it was made of felt. "Why isn't he peppered with holes?"
"How is he survivin'?" Ironhide sighed.
"...I don't know, but I want one of those small things," Megatron announced. "I'll trade Starscream for one."
The boy's unimportant father flung himself harshly to the floor- onto his face- for no actual reason.
"Maybe they aren't firing regular ammunition," Skyfire offered. "Maybe they're... popping Rice Krispies?"
The dog-house exploded after being hit by a missile.
"Is he calling for the director?" Skyfire frowned. "Has he forgotten his lines?"
"Is he worried or frustrated that he's going to be killed by a well- I mean, ill-placed explosion?"
Jazz scoffed. "Come on, Sides. If he was worried about explosions, why would he be here?"
Bumblebee- having been allowed to watch his battle scene- clapped, laughing giddily. "I'm so cool! I actually do stuff!"
"Yeass..." Megatron hissed. "You're very efficient at killing little baby Transformers, aren't you?"
Bumblebee dropped miserably. "Oh..."
"Ignore him, Bumblebee," Optimus commanded. "He's just jealous."
"Am not!" Megatron argued loudly. "You wait! I'll have my own children to abuse!"
Sideswipe cackled as the mother of the boy ran into a hanging basket. "Now that'scomedy."
"BUMBLEBAAAY! Get in the garage! I'm about to have a nervous breakdown-"
"...He's about to? He isa nervous breakdown," Ratchet sneered.
"Just go in the garage quietly, please-"
"Talk about grateful," Jazz complained. "They'd likely be dead by now if it weren't for Bumblebee!"
"Get in the garage NOW!"
Bumblebee started to cry. "That isn't fair!"
Movie-Bumblebee seemed to think so too. "Whatever!"
"Why is Sam so cruel?" Jazz wondered.
"I'll squash him for the good of us all," Megatron rasped. "Yeas... yeas..."
"...You're not even alive," Ratchet snorted. "How will you be doing that? Will you use the Force?"
"Yeah," Starscream snarled, finally ripping Megatron's hand away from his face. "I don't even know why you've come to watch- it's not like you're coming back!"
The silver mech laid upon him a Look.
Starscream flinched, expecting it to be hate-ridden and painful, but-
Megatron sighed, shaking his helm slightly. "Starscream, Starscream. I can't expect you to understand. ...Tell him, Optimus."
Prime leant forwards and smiled at the Seeker gently. "We can't die, Starscream."
"Of course you can! Megatron did in the first-"
"Which means nothing!" the large Decepticon nearly sang, slapping Starscream's cheekplates lightly. "When you're a main character, you'll understand- well, if you were. Not when. Don't want to get your hopes up."
Starscream stared at them both in terror. "You're as deranged as each other!"
Megatron sighed. Both Commanders gave the other a one armed hug, squeezed each other closely, then settled back into their chairs, arms still around the other.
"See, Starscream?" Optimus began. "We can give each other hugs-"
"MECHLYhugs," Megatron impressed, "because we respect each other."
"We respect the other's status as immutable," the Autobot continued, then smiled sadly at Megatron. "It wouldn't be Transformers without you, Megatron."
The Decepticon blinked. "Do you mean it? Really?"
"Of course. I do not lie; I am Optimus."
"...The same for you, Prime. What would I do without you? My days would be spent waiting for you to come and foil me!"
"Why is the girl stripping?" Bumblebee asked innocently before a blue hand slapped over his optics.
"I just want to be normal, 'bee!"
"Now that's a good pun," Ratchet chortled. "The twitchy one? Normal?"
"But- you'll always be my first car...!"
Bumblebee burst into tears. "It's that little smile! He's so cruel, but I can't be angry! That smile has broken me!"
"...Love you, 'bee."
The yellow Autobot howled, and ran out of the cinema.
"...Why didn't he give the shard of the Cube to Bumblebee?" Sideswipe frowned. "Surely he's a better guardian than the clotheless-one."
"Wha' is this?" Ironhide demanded. "Where's tha 'splosions?"
"It's not the same word-"
"Soundwave! Forward this sickly nonsense!"
Megatron had a quick double-take. "Was that you or you?"
"Pursue her; retrieve it."
"As talkative as ever, Soundwave!" Jazz cried with glee.
"Soundwave; pleased by his counterpart," the Communications Officer announced.
"I heard a rumour that Ravage was in this," Sideswipe shrugged. "Isn't he going to watch?"
Soundwave drooped slightly. "Cruelty; Soundwave will not let Ravage watch his own termination."
"Who says he's going to die?" Megatron growled. "Don't be so pessimistic, and live a little!"
"He's a clever kitty," Jazz shrugged.
"Yeah," Bumblebee chirped, sniffling his way back in. "Ravage isn't stupid enough to be killed. Not that I'm insulting Frenzy, but you know..."
The dark blue Decepticon considered this for a moment. "Ravage; eject...!"
"Yeah, baby. It's upgrade time."
"Yes it are!"
"I don't even know what to say," Ratchet shook his helm, petting a attention-seeking Ravage absentmindedly.
"Time to get ma sexy on with-"
"Is he dancing?"
"...I don't want to look anymore," Sideswipe groaned.
"...Are they fighting over which colour? That's pointless- their names are on their number plates already."
"Let them have their movie-magic," Optimus sighed.
A suited man burst onto the screen and thrust a document into someone's face rudely.
"He nearly ripped that," Sideswipe pouted. "Wouldn't look so cool then, would he?"
"-what an honour..."
"He's going to be a complete aft, isn't he?" Jazz proposed, watching the suit-man with distaste.
Ratchet watched him as he did most things- with distaste. "Yes."
"This area serves as the Autobots' hangar," the good-looking one proclaimed.
"...What's going on?" Ironhide asked, confused.
"Nothing's going on," Bumblebee beamed.
"That's mah point," the red mech pouted. "We ain't doin' nothin'."
Bumblebee fell silent and tried to unravel the last sentence uttered.
"Why are we just parked?" Arcee shrieked. "WHY?"
"What in Pit are those?" Starscream asked, frowning as he attempted to work it out. "Those spiky things surrounding you?"
"I'm not happy with this." Ratchet 's mouth pursed with a decidedly not-calm intake of air.
Sideswipe wasn't happy either. "Don't we have anything to do?"
"Apparently you all have OCD," Skyfire mused. "Look how neatly you're positioned."
"Secure link to JCS is up, Major!" a random man suddenly roared inappropriately.
There was silence for a while.
"...Eh up, Soundsy; you're up to something-!" Jazz paused. "Uh... what, exactly?"
Soundwave was watching intently and did not respond.
"Tendrils..." Optimus covered Bumblebee's optics. "I sense the young should not be privy."
"What nonsense! This is PG-13," Starscream snorted as movie-Soundwave loomed upon a satellite. "Nothing would happen."
They all watched for a moment. Silence consumed the room.
Starscream slowly reached for Megatron's hand and covered his own optics with it.
This tentative movement prompted anarchy.
"Woah, woah!" Sideswipe clawed at his optics. "NOOO!"
Ratchet twitched. "We'll just look away. Then we won't be able to see it."
Ironhide was frozen. "Ah can't look away. Ah can't. It's too awful."
"Why, Bay?" Optimus whispered. "Why?"
Ratchet had begun shaking with Wrath. "It might not be Bay. You can't blame everything on him. Blame those writers."
"Oh, the ones who have been paid to ruin us?" Jazz asked.
"I don't understand," Megatron complained as movie-Soundwave threw back his helm. "What's the problem?"
The tendrils- plunged deeply into the satellite- quivered slightly.
Ravage whimpered and covered his optics with his paws.
Jazz's visor flooded with tears. "Poor, defenceless satellite. She was just doing her job..."
"Admittance; Soundwave cannot see troubling issue. Movie counterpart; hacking human communications device."
"Ah," Megatron smiled knowingly. "Ah! Yeaaas, the Autobots are upset because they're losing."
Starscream wailed quietly. "I don't want to watch this film anymore! No one said anything about graphic satellite mol-"
"CRIPES," Optimus shouted suddenly. "That's a sexy glance over my equally sexy shoulder!"
"-who made him?"
"SEX made me," Prime answered smoothly. "Sex."
"The only recorded history of our race was contained within the Allspark-"
"Well, that's pretty stupid. Why not...oh, I don't know- research into it or something when it existed? ...These movie-fools are nothing but fools," Ratchet snarled.
"-lost with its destruction."
Skyfire twitched at the same time as Starscream choked and dived forwards in a passion. "Energy cannot be destroyed!"
Movie-Soundwave continued probing the satellite.
"Don't you have anything else to do?" Arcee asked Soundwave. "Just gonna... y'know. Float around in orbit, touching that satellite?"
"Excuse me-!" the rude Suit-Man shouted, and eagerly pounced on the nearby ladder.
"Uhoes," Jazz muttered. "He got a rant comin'."
"-President's just appointed him liaison."
"...That was a beautiful roll of the eyes," Arcee sighed, melting. "Gorrrrrgeous."
"-but not your advancements in weaponry!"
"Imagine that fool trying to hold my gun," Optimus snorted.
Movie-Optimus was as impressed as his other self."We've witnessed your human capacity for war. It wouldabsolutelydo more harm than good..."
"Ha! See that smarmy guy's face! Jab that finger, Prime!"
"Deny it!" the Autobot Commander urged, staring intently. "I dare you to try!"
"But who areyouto judge what's best forus?"
"I AM... OPTIMUS!" Prime roared.
"-open invitation to come to Earth, vetted-"
"See now," Barricade shrugged, "He's just an angry, unimportant person picking fault wherever."
Sideswipe nearly jumped- although he was too damned good and cool to actually be shocked. "B-barricade? When did you get here?"
"I'm always here," the police car replied. "Especially when you think you're safe."
Bonecrusher loomed over a seat. "Is the film over yet?"
Bumblebee turned around with a slight bite of the lip. "...Bonecrusher, you're kind of dead... why are you here?"
"I hate this film."
"...when our national security is at stake-"
A sudden and highly dramatic close-up made the more highly-strung members of the audience jump.
"-no oneis above reproach."
"...He was th'kid nobody liked at school," Jazz stated.
"Nah." Bumblebee shook his helm. "He was the bully."
They watched without comment as Suit-Man summarised Transformers in about four sentences.
"Is there any point in staying to watch this one?" Megatron pondered. "I mean, we could just come to see the third movie; they'll tell us what happened in this movie then."
"You're rusting in peace," Starscream giggled. "What wit from Suit-Man."
Suit-Man sounded very happy. "Surrounded by-"
"...That's real conspicuous," Jazz pouted at the heaving mass of naval presence. "No one's gonna suspect anything."
Movie-Soundwave seemed very satisfied with his hard day's work. "Decepticons, we have located the shard."
"It'syou! TheAudobots," Suit-Man declared aggressively.
"Audobots?" Megatron frowned.
"Apparently," Optimus shrugged.
"All these years we've been best enemies, and you lied about your faction name?" Megatron looked horrified. "Even the mighty Megatron did not stoop that low! ...Why didn't I think of it?"
"They're here tohuntyou!"
"Woah." Sideswipe was lost for words. "...His chin. Did you see his chin?"
Movie-Optimus was giving Suity-Chin Man a death glare.
"Sounds to me like something's coming," Suity-Chin Man continued obliviously.
"What a genius." Starscream pouted- for no real reason other than just because he knew he looked good when he did so.
"-will you leave...peacefully?"
"Frag no! We'll take your fragging planet and-"
"Freedom is your right. If you make-"
"No! Optimus, no...! You're too good looking to be a pushover!" Prime pleaded with himself.
"-we will honour it."
The Autobot Commander sighed. "...Why are we so easy to control?"
Movie-Optimus exuded a heavily menacing air."-please ask him this. What if we leave... and you'rewrong?"
"AIN'T GOT A COMEBACK NOW, SMART-AFT!" Prime howled, optics wide as he waved his fist at the screen.
"Oh, fabulous," Ratchet sulked. "Just what I was wanting; that boy-child returns. Speed through this idiocy, Soundwave!"
Soundwave fast-forwarded the scene, the characters suddenly talking in seriously demented and rapid squeaks.
"Youknowwhatthisis?" the boy asked. "You'retryingtoseeifI'manormalguy-"
"He calls himself normal?"
"Seriously, Soundwave, resume normal playback." Optimus complained. "I can't understand what they're saying."
"...Error; Soundwave is not fast-forwarding."
"That's natural speech?" Bumblebee gasped. "These two could put Blurrto shame!"
"...That's nice." Arcee tried to look on the bright side.
"I saw these robots and they did this firing thing and came down and toasted this woman-"
Ironhide blinked. "That was me!"
"Except you didn't toast her. And she had an absurdly clean dress on," Ratchet pointed out. "Ridiculous.."
"...Ah could've toasted her," Ironhide said miserably. "Ah could have! Ah just held back!"
"Don't be sucking the sac-!"
"I fear this word-play may turn graphic," Optimus growled. "Onward!"
"Believe it!" Bumblebee howled, catching sight of a Naruto poster. "No matter what, BELIIIEVE IT!"
Soundwave forwarded the scene for a while.
"She sees me. She sees me."
"Why is that male touching the boy?" Megatron roared. "Did you see that!"
"Do not bird-dog my quail," the unnecessary character continued.
The Transformers puzzled over this short yet highly complex sentence for some time, and were only brought back to the present by an anguished shout.
"I got the BOOTIES!" The boy shrieked.
"...He's got issues, that's what he has."
Movie-Soundwave appeared again.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeejac-ulaaaation!" Bumblebee trilled cheerfully on unknown grounds.
"That's right," Optimus confirmed. "He's ejaculating some pod from his... chest? Is that your chest, Soundwave?"
"Possible," the Communications Officer agreed, firmly focused on the film as something splooshed into a sea.
Ravage tilted his head suspiciously and snarled.
Soundwave waved his hands. "Ravage; desist. Threat; non-existent."
Ravage yowled at the Transformer onscreen, charging right up to the wall for a better look.
Movie-Ravage bounded along obnoxiously, undeterred by the panther's threatening display.
"Will you shut your beast up?" Optimus snapped. "There are no pets allowed in here anyway. Be lucky."
Soundwave had just managed to coax Ravage back to him when the Cassetticon's movie-counterpart thwacked a pipe with his paw and threw up into it.
"Well, that's efficient security. Ventilation leading right into the secure chamber," Skyfire shrugged.
"MY PLAN IS UNDERWAY," Megatron roared. "DOOM, DOOM-!"
"...You haven't done anything!" Starscream protested. "This isn't your plan!"
"We're hunting in the wild now, so get yourgame faceson," unnecessary male announced.
"Wild? That's not the wild!" Skyfire gaped. "That's just some random club with loud music and cake!"
"We're...we're huntin'," a nerd grinned.
"Oh, look at the unnecessary male's dancing," Arcee winced.
"Looks pretty good to me," Sideswipe winked.
"No," Jazz shook his helm. "No. ...You need some style."
"Why is the boy going out if he has his web-thing this moment?" Megatron complained. "See? Mike awaits him!"
The boy started to twitch over some cake, and was assaulted by some unexplained female.
"Like a pairing, like a duo, like a coupling?"
"How much repetition is required?" Ratchet hissed. "NONE!"
"That your car in our bushes?"
"Wheey!" Bumblebee cheered. "I'm back!"
"Why you holding out on us, bro?"
"Yeah, bro," Optimus pouted angrily. "You'd better not tell them anything. No commenting or speculating."
The unexplained female abruptly rose up, scaring the boy. "I luuuuuuuuurve Camaros."
"Whaaaaaahaa," the boy wailed.
Movie-Bumblebee proceeded to batter the female- with no remorse.
"Little bit harsh," Sideswipe winced as she was smashed into movie-Bumblebee's dashboard. "What if she cracked open and was all gore over you? Gross."
"I must be checking if she's a Transformer," Bumblebee smiled. "See, I wouldn't do that to Mike."
"Idiot!" Megatron punched Starscream. "Why would she be a Transformer?"
The Seeker's mouth fell open indignantly. "I didn't say anything!"
"...You didn't? All useless comments come from you-"
"I DIDN'T SAY IT!"
"And you deserve to be hit for them."
Optimus was annoyed again. "You two! This scene involves me, so be quiet."
"Conspicuous," Jazz commented loudly.
"How long has he been standing in broad daylight for...on top of a hill?"
"Why is it daytime? I thought it was night!" Bumblebee whined.
"Maybe it took you a long time to get here."
"-won't give me one day-"
"Stamp on him," Optimus urged. "No one's there, no one will see! ...It could be a hit and drive!"
"-the last fragment of the Allspark has been stolen."
"Get straight to business, why don't you?" Jazz blinked.
"The boy's smart," Ironhide noted. "No hesitation."
"We placed it under protection at your government's request."
"...Movie-Optimus is not so smart."
"Why would you do that? The Autobots would be far better guardians!"
"Whendid that happen?" Ratchet scowled.
Jazz gave him a double thumbs-up. "You may have read the novelisation, but Iread the prequel graphic novels."
"...You mean the comics?"
Movie-Optimus shook his helm in great anguish. "Your world must not share the same fate as Cybertron. Whole generations...lost."
Sam almost empathised. "I want to help you- I do. But I am not some alien ambassador... you know? I'm a normal kid with normal problems. I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry, I... I really am...!"
"Oh, enough of the angst," Megatron rasped.
"'Normal kid with normal problems'?" Sideswipe repeated in disgust. "He calls himself normal?"
"If generations were lost and it's anybody's fault, it's yoursand theirs, Prime," Megatron continued. "They wouldn't have been lost if they had been Decepticons."
Starscream hissed. "Stop ruining moments!"
Optimus sniffled angrily. "I agree- my voice and this score- it's so beautiful!"
"Sam, fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing..." movie-Prime pleaded.
"Well, that was a sound-byte," Ratchet huffed.
"WHY DOESN'T HE LISTEN TO ME!"
"Everything Optimus says is a sound-byte," Bumblebee giggled.
"You'reOptimus Prime. You don't need me."
"He is right," Ironhide agreed. "We don't."
"- more than you know."
"Get over yourself, Prime!" Megatron huffed. "...I have no idea where this film is going. Where am I?"
Movie-Ravage suddenly shot out of nowhere to crash on a large ship.
"No one heard that racket?" Ratchet gaped.
"...Where did he shoot from? Can he fly?"
"Kitties can't fly," Sideswipe sneered.
"Does he look like a kitty to you?" Barricade asked, gesturing at the screen. "He's just ugly. An ugly, four-legged thing."
Ravage looked a bit unhappy at this brutal statement.
"...Are we sure this Revenge of the Fallen?" Megatron howled for no particular reason. "Why are these fools going for a swim?"
The intelligent Transformers watched the Decepticons descend to the bottom of the Laurentian Abyss and bounce around at the bottom.
"I like Ravage's swimming technique," Arcee commented. "Just wiggling. No doggy paddle."
Soundwave nodded solemnly. "Reason; Ravage not a dog. Additional reason; Ravage has no paddles."
Jazz wailed suddenly and flailed at the screen. "I- I'm here too! I'm just over there! In Optimus' trailer somewhere! They've come t'find me!"
"I wasted my trailer on you?" Prime scowled.
"...Why would we come to find an Autobot?" Bonecrusher huffed. "We hate Autobots."
Starscream laughed. "Megatron-! You're rusty!"
"Evil does not rust, fool."
"...Well, you do. You must be made out of shoddy-"
"THINK UP NEW COMEBACKS!" Megatron roared, and hit him cruelly.
"...At least I don't have an octopus on my face," Starscream muttered very quietly. "That good enough?"
"Neeeeedz partz! KIIIIIILL ze little z'vwon!"
"What's he saying?" Ironhide peered at the screen as if this would help. "Is it jus' me?"
"Yes." Ratchet nodded. "It's your old age and your hearing catching up with you."
"Who CARES what he's saying?" Megatron howled. "THAT'S ME-!"
"He might be ordering them to paint you pink," Jazz shrugged. "Would you care about that?"
"Anything wrong with pink?" Arcee hissed.
Movie-Megatron heaved himself to his feet with much drama and huffing and grizzling.
Starscream scowled. "Well, that sucks."
Megatron snarled with giddy- and alarmingly wheezy- exhilaration. "This time it only took me forty minutes and thirty eightseconds to arrive! One day I'll be at the beginning!"
"Yeah, well, don't get excited. It's just another chance for me to offline you," Optimus pouted heroically.
"Are you joking? Have you forgotten how weak movie-you is?"
"...Why couldn't you lot do that f'me?" Jazz asked tearfully. "If all it takes is t'dramatically plunge the shard inta someone, why not do it f'me?"
"Maybe we have to tear a little z'vwon apart as well," Optimus tried.
"Well, no one likes Bumblebee! What about him?"
"They do like him in the movie-verse," Prime replied sadly.
Movie-Megatron landed heavily, but tried to disguise it with a little skip. "Starscream, I'm hooome."
He clenched his claws dramatically.
Ratchet groaned. "Fangirls all over the world are squealing and clapping."
"What do you mean?" Megatron asked. "I am not a squeal-object!"
"If you're not aware of your following," the medic responded after twitching slightly, "then I'm not going to be the one to break it to you."
"Following?" Starscream asked. "Ah, is there an organisation that demands that I should lead the Decepticons? Ofcourse."
"No, Starscream. I was talking more about how you're the most popular pair-"
"I was sorelievedto hear of your... resurrection..."
"Woah now," Jazz blinked. "Soundsy, rewind a sec, an' amp that volume."
Movie-Starscream jerked backwards, then continued. "-of your...resurrection!"
"Can't you hear it? Go back again!"
"Again," Jazz commanded. "An' turn it up louder."
"RESURRECTION," movie-Starscream nearly bellowed- except his voice isn't really capable of a bellow.
I'll try that again.
"RESURRECTION," movie-Starscream declared at a deafening volume.
"AAAARGH," the poor Seeker screeched. "STOP IT!"
"You left me to die on that pathetic insect planet," Megatron grouched, with a moody grasp of his subordinate's chin.
"Ha, face-grab," Ironhide sniggered.
"Only to help spawn our new army! The Fallen decrees it-!"
"Awww, Screamer! Did you just reach out to Megsy then for a little stroke?"
"LIES! I did no such thing!"
"...We could rewind it and play it in slow-motion if you don't believe-"
The Seeker pouted furiously. "Do not trouble yourself."
Ratchet frowned. "Wait an astro-second. What does he mean, spawnthe army?"
There was a moment of silence as they all thought.
"He's right," Optimus agreed. "Don't you usually recruit an army?"
Starscream looked miserable. "Why pick on me like this?"
"What have you been doing behind my back?" Megatron snarled, gripping the part of Starscream nearest to him.
The Seeker yelped as his wing was grabbed. "Nothing, actually. If you were watching, you'd note that in your death, you were looking upwards towards the sky. If I had been doing anything, it would have been right in front of you."
"Still," Skyfire began thoughtfully, "The definition of spawn can vary. Some Earth organisms have the term 'spawn' applied to them if they lay or fertilise eggs- or it can be used as a synonym for offspring, and- "
Ratchet laughed. "Fangirl Delight, number two."
"Hit him," Megatron advised himself, clenching Starscream's now dented wing. "You'll feel so much better when you do!"
"-someonehad to take command...!"
"Ugh," movie-Megatron grunted, with a well-aimed knee to movie-Starscream's- yet again- face. "So disappointing."
"See tha'?" Jazz asked, pointing. "That there separates th'bad guys from th'Ultimate Doombringers."
"What?" Megatron demanded eagerly.
"The Almighty Neck Pin," Jazz answered solemnly. "See, look closely. You're not jus' pinnin' him against the wall, no. Yer holdin' him by th'throat in the air...by arm alone. That's some strength."
"You know," the Decepticon sighed. "At times like these, I'm almost sorry I tore you in two."
"Be lucky tha' I'm not gonna pick you up on tha' right now," Jazz pouted threateningly. "I'm going t'have words. Words."
"Even indeath," movie-Megatron continued, "there is no command butmine-!"
"Talk about an egotist." Optimus raised an optic ridge in heroic distaste.
"...I thought Starscream was Second in Command," Bumblebee frowned. "What's the point of that title if he can't command anyone?"
Movie-Starscream seemed to tut in disgust as movie-Megatron paid no heed to his warnings, and one of the small... things slithered down and dropped to the floor.
Megatron recoiled fearfully. "What is that?"
"I don't know." Starscream would have paled if it were possible. "I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the connotations it has for our relationship in fanfiction."
"My master, I have failed you on Earth," movie-Megatron announced, k-
"KNEELING? Why am I kneeling?" the grey Decepticon shrieked (in rage, of course).
"Maybe your leg is a little wobbly, so you're just resting it," Bumblebee suggested.
"You have much to learn, my disciple-"
The Transformers blinked as one. "What?"
"It's that wiggling weirdo from the beginning!" Arcee screamed.
Megatron twitched. "There must be some mistake."
Starscream coughed loudly, disguising a delirious laugh. "I'm sure there is."
"Disciple? Master?" Even Optimus was indignantly incredulous. "Megatron? These words do not go in the same scenario!"
"What's wrong with the wiggly weirdo's voice?" Arcee looked disgusted. "He sounds like a pervert!"
"...Do perverts speak in a certain way?" Sideswipe asked.
"Yes. Like that. Ever hear someone talking like that, you get out of there."
"-its power, its knowledge... can never be destroyed."
"I like this ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being," Starscream nodded. "At least he knows that energy cannot be destroyed."
There was a sneaky glare at Optimus.
"Shut up, resurrection-lover."
"It has been absorbed by the human child-!"
"Does anyone know his name?" Barricade asked.
"Does anyone care?" Jazz shot back.
"Well then, let me strip the very flesh from his body!" movie-Megatron looked quite excited.
"Nice thoughts." Ratchet was repulsed. "I don't need to think hard to work out what you fantasize about."
"He's a pervert," Megatron agreed immediately. "Look at him, slobbing and getting off on power in that chair-thing whilst I go around doing hard work!"
Starscream choked. "You've been slobbing under the sea for two years! I have been the only one doing work!"
"Explains why we haven't gotten anywhere," the commander replied swiftly. "You're all talk, no action."
"If you ever thought about anything, we would have conquered the Universe b-"
"I, too, was once betrayed by the Primes I called my brothers."
"...Wh-he's a Prime?"Optimus coughed in surprise.
"He's an idiot."
"He said 'too'," Skyfire noted. "This reflects and reinforces that you, Megatron, were 'betrayed' by the Prime you called your brother."
"I didn't call anyone my brother," Megatron snapped.
Optimus scowled. "For some reason, I did."
The Decepticon was disgusted. "So Prime and I are related?"
"That's the impression."
"Does that make me a Prime?"
"It's just added to the list of unanswered questions in the movie-verse," Skyfire replied. "They get the fans excited, then just leave them hanging."
"And that's when fan fiction comes into play," Jazz grimaced.
"Only a Prime can defeat me... and now, only one remains."
"See? We can't be brothers if there's only one left."
"Maybe it's just that you're not a Prime."
"Why can't I be a Prime?" Megatron frowned sulkily (not that he cared, of course).
"Megatron Prime? Doesn't sound right," Optimus answered, eating some popcorn.
"Optimusss... he protects theboy," movie-Megatron mused sexily.
"Then the boy will lead us to him-" The ugly anorexic being clenched a fist dramatically. "And revenge will be ouuurssssssssss."
He then promptly fell asleep.
"...So they're going to use the boy to kill me off?" Prime tried to sum it up.
"I thinkso," Ratchet frowned. "But I'm not entirely sure."
Movie-Megatron pouted, narrowing his optics in a fashion most evil. "Yeaaasss..."
Movie-Starscream randomly appeared. "The boy will not escape us! We have him in our sights! ...Without more energon, the hatchlings will keepdyyyyying!"
"...That's nice, Starscream. Just drop that thing on the floor."
"Harsh," Jazz agreed.
"Why does everything movie-Starscream says seem to be an exclamation?"
"Well." Megatron replied in support of his second. "He has to do something. Might as well be useless now instead of on the battlefield."
"Megsy, you look much more handsome now," Arcee declared.
"Before you were hideously ugly. It couldn't have gotten any worse."
Optimus saw this was getting ugly. "Popcorn break!"
I hope your eyeballs aren't bleeding... and if they are, I hope it's good bleeding. O_O
I've spent a hideous amount of time on this, so do tell me what you think in a review if it gave you a chuckle. That's all I dream of, readers. Chuckling, and a review that shows me what you're thinking.
How else do I know what to change? :D
Thank you for reading, as always!