What The Transformers Thought Of Revenge Of The Fallen:
Quite a few all-nighters, lots of pain from wheezy laughing, twitchy muscles from ROTF over-watching, about fifty shouts of YOU'RE SAD, TROLOLOL from my kind understanding relatives, much eye-rubbing, a sudden gift of picking out the most retarded details when I now watch any film, and a lot of boring my friends to death with questions and bouncing ideas- but so much fun!
I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that if you haven't seen ROTF and don't like spoilers, or don't want to be able to notice various continuity errors and the rest, please do not read this and then complain at me. It doesn't make sense!
Oooh, and I'd like to thank Clumsy Peg and nessus. Their support has been invaluable. C:
Hope you enjoy, it's taken me long enough. ;) And thank you, reviewers and favourite-rs. :D
For no apparent reason, we're being shown an establishing shot of a desert. For a split second you may wonder Why?, but really, you should be thinking Who cares? Whilst you may be enjoying the action-phoar-punching-explodey-goodness, a small part of your soul is yearning for Transformer interaction.
Fool, little did you realise that every Transformers series ever created is actually all about the humans- mainly sexy girls- and explosions. You see, robots just happen to come along now and again.
This film is what you genuinely want, chaps.
Why would you want Cybertronians to have screentime when you could be watching a bunch of humans flailing through a desert?
You didn't realise that this film had an elaborate and clever plot.
And you certainly didn't realise that Megan Fox is slowly sapping away your will to live.
You're managing for now, but that's only because for a fraction of a moment you sometimes glimpse a metallic being onscreen.
EXPLOSION, and we're back to the madness!
The Retarded Twins flew through the air with wails and cries.
"Please let them die," Arcee whispered as they smashed into a large rock formation.
This wistful plea was echoed here and there among the seats.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Bumblebee cried as his wailing movie-self hurtled through the air. Prime suddenly realised the wool covering his optics and audio receptors had unravelled, giving him an odd ruff. "Can we try that? Optimus, that looks fun- we should try that!- can we, can-"
"Exactly what just happened?" Sideswipe asked as movie-Bumblebee bounced against the ground. "Did I blink and miss some exposition?"
The boy splatted nearby and began giving an angsty shout for no apparent reason, eyeing his new claw-hand.
"Is he dying?" Megatron asked eagerly.
"I don't see why they have exploded outwards at different speeds and in various directions," Skyfire said. "They weren't moving before the transportation."
"If only Mike has been dashed against a rock," Starscream hissed enthusiastically.
"Hurrah," Jazz cried. "Let it be, brutha!"
"That wasn't so bad," Jetfire declared as Wheelie flew across the shot. "I just 'ope we're still on the right planet."
"Curses!" Optimus cried as the ex-Sector Seven agent appeared briefly, "the retard-ninja still lives! How can this be?"
"We can only hope the female is dead," Ratchet said solemnly.
The Transformers' hopes were raised as the unexplained male and Mike lay unmoving on the sands.
Not for long.
"...you landed on my testicles," the unexplained male wheezed.
Optimus slowly wrapped Soundwave's proffered knitted scarf around Bumblebee's optics and audio receptors, sadly giving up any hope of the yellow mech being able to watch the film properly.
"I can't see," the young Autobot said brightly.
"I know," Prime said.
"I can't hear the film," he said slowly, attempting to frown.
"Do you have any more scarves, Soundwave?" Ratchet asked cheerfully. "I think I may need one presently for myself."
"Look!" Arcee cried ecstatically, "her jeans are dirtied!"
"STTTTTTHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAM," Mike roared.
"Simmons?" the boy howled as he suddenly forgot about his claw-hand, hood flopping over his shoulder. Apparently he didn't care about Mike.
"I cannot deal with this any longer," Skyfire whispered, rocking slowly back and forth. "The continuity error is eroding my Spark."
Sideswipe frowned. "Steady, man."
"Can't you see it?" the shuttle demanded. "Watch his hood, just watch it. It's been horrible ever since he donned it. It keeps flicking, flicking between being placed normally and hanging forwards."
"Stay calm," Starscream said. "Don't over-excite yourself; old mechs can't handle the stress."
"What is this?" the unexplained male asked incredulously, voicing the question on everybody's processors. "It's Vegas-?"
"Hasn't he ever seen CSI?" Sideswipe demanded. "This looks nothing like Vegas."
"It's still sand," Arcee pointed out. "I am fed up of sand."
"That really, really hurt," the retard-ninja announced, limbs spazzing about to emphasise his displeasure. "You're just lucky that I didn't get hurt. I could have gotten killed, okay? And if I had gotten killed, you'd have heard from my mother-"
Jetfire was having none of it. "Shut up."
The Transformers cheered- well, apart from Bonecrusher, but he didn't say anything about 'hate' so that was approval enough.
Megatron nodded approvingly. "That is all that needs to be said."
"I told you I was opening a space bridge. It's the fastest way to travel to Egypt."
"Surely it's the fastest way to travel to most places," Arcee pointed out.
"You didn't tell us anything!" the boy cried, suddenly sporting a bandaged hand and also spazzing about. "Why are we in Egypt?"
"You tell him, boy!" Optimus said indignantly.
"This isn't making any sense," Sideswipe whined. "I'm bored."
"Did Mike treat his hand?" Ratchet demanded. "Where did she get the materials, the knowledge? I am full of rage!"
Skyfire was watching miserably. "I am old and decrepit and useless and humiliating."
"No change there then," Starscream sniped.
"Next time you're on the floor, I may accidentally stand on your helm," Skyfire said. "My mass will accidentally surely crush you into oblivion, or at least into an incredibly ugly and hopefully irreparable state."
"I dislike this," Megatron sulked. "I don't keep him around for his processor, you know."
"You don't keep me," Starscream hissed. "I keep myself, thank you very much."
"Keep thinking that," the commander said airily.
"Don't you get snippy with me, fleshling! You were duly informed!" Jetfire sat down only to get up five seconds later.
Optimus looked slightly upset over the Sam-directed insults, but Megatron was quick to remind him that if his movie-self wasn't going to, someone had to discipline the boy.
"Here comes the exposition," Ratchet declared. "Prepare for an information overload. If any of you fritz, I shall not restore you."
"Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall apart and die?" Jetfire asked loudly, to a disturbingly complete and utter lack of sympathy.
"Let's not get episodic, okay, old-timer?" the retard-ninja demanded.
"That's nice," Arcee scowled. "He's dying, and they just dismiss it as episodic?"
"I thought the boy was supposed to care about us," Bumblebee whimpered.
Ratchet's fingers were twitching with barely suppressed excitement. "I would much like to get my hands on him. All he needs is a good check-up and-"
Skyfire was frowning deeply. "Perhaps I am actually still a Decepticon and am just deceiving them into thinking I'm an Autobot. Maybe they'll still die."
Megatron eyed the shuttle with newfound admiration. "Say, Autobot scum, did you know the Decepticons are looking for a scientist?"
Starscream shrieked furiously. "I am the resident scientist!"
"You never do anything useful, anything!" Megatron wheezed spitefully. "At least the Autoscum seems to have a processor."
The retard-ninja continued retardedly. "Beginning, middle, end. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it."
"He's treating me like a fool!" Skyfire cried indignantly.
Ironhide growled. "Shoot 'im."
"I hate his way of speaking," Bonecrusher said supportively.
Jetfire surprisingly listened to the fleshlings, and soon more plot devices unravelled. "It harvests Energon by destroying suns," the Blackbird commented as Ratchet choked.
"That seems a little extravagant," he commented lowly.
"You mean blow them up?" the unexplained male asked.
"Primus," Megatron spluttered raspily, "why didn't we think of this instead of raiding rubbish power plants?"
"We did, you fool!" Starscream hissed. "This film has clearly stolen our Solar Needle-"
"Did it work? Did the Solar Needle wo-ooork?"
"Of course it didn't," the Seeker snapped. "Would we be sitting here if it had?"
"The Autobots foiled you as ever," Optimus affirmed helpfully. "So hah, Decepticon!"
Ignoring Megatron's rage, the red and blue mech instead munched thoughtfully on his popcorn as Jetfire rambled on about Primes. "Could this actually be some mythology without explosions interrupting it?"
"Say," Megatron said, "I wasn't aware you could have seven Primes at once. That might actually be a challenging fight."
"Nah," Jazz sighed, "they too skinny to fight."
"-never destroy a planet with life-"
Megatron didn't look impressed. "I hadn't realised that idiocy ran in your energon, Optimus. You truly can't help it, can you, can yooou?"
"Idiocy?" Prime repeated indignantly. "You're the idiot here, Mega-idiot!"
"Oooh," the Decepticon rasped lowly, "your witty insults make me so angry!"
Movie-verse Fallen pranced about onscreen again, jabbing his stick about at nothing.
"You actually follow that jerk?" Starscream cackled at Megatron's expense. "What a-"
"You do too," Arcee pointed out. "You're equally deranged."
"-with a legendary key called the Matrix of Leadership."
"Which my movie-self will have," Optimus cried with delight, pumping a fist. "Suck on it, Megatron."
"No, something tells me that this will be the next idiotic task for the boy," Ratchet said.
"Rubbish," Jazz laughed. "Not even Bay woulda screwed our mythos so badly!"
Jetfire was still rambling on as the skinny anorexic thing capered about with his stick and there were explosions and stuff. "The Fallen was stronger than his brothers-"
"Do y'mind?" the saboteur asked abruptly, turning around in his seat to glare at the Fallen. "Yer flames are gettin' a bit hot. They distract me, yeah?"
"Make me," the Fallen demanded.
"Shut up and tone it down," Optimus ordered, optics still focused on the screen as the weird Primes skulked about suspiciously, glancing over their shoulders as if they had something to hide. Quite fittingly, they did. "Only movie-Optimus gets to have flames abundant. Do you want me to come back there?"
"Who says I am afraid of you?"
"Movie-you," Prime pointed out. "I'll come for your face if you don't watch out."
Ironhide was disturbed by the heavy implications within. "Seven o'them- seven mechs cahn't defeat one?"
Jazz waved another graphic novel. "He enhanced his crazy Force powers by blowin' up beings over th'orns."
"How very Bay," Barricade cackled.
"I hate Bayformers," Bonecrusher said thoughtfully, with a rare three-syllable word. No, I'm lying. He didn't say it thoughtfully, because usually Bayformers-hate isn't overly well-thought through. It's an impulse, really, a speedy bandwagon.
Optimus looked attentive as his movie-brothers impaled the Fallen with their own sticks; he fell backwards, presumably temporarily incapacitated. "Why can't they terminate him right then?"
The Transformers thought about it, but it required logic which is something they had no time for.
"What of Sentinel?" Ratchet demanded. "What of Nova? This is ridiculous. They are giving information without telling us anything. Detail!" he roared suddenly, flinging a spanner-shaped towel at the screen, "where is the detail?"
"It is in focusing on Mike's body," Starscream said disgustedly, "when it could be on mine."
"We don't want to look at your body," Bumblebee refuted.
"Yes you do."
"Don't," Bumblebee said firmly. "I like explosions and Sam and me doing stuff."
"You child," the Seeker sneered with an arrogant sniff. "One orn you will understand."
"He will not," Optimus stated dangerously. "And any who corrupt him will pay a heavy price."
The Decepticons (almost) inconspicuously edged away from the oblivious yellow mech.
"In the ultimate sacrifice, they gave their lives to seal the Matrix away in a tomb made of their very own bodies-"
"Nice," Arcee said, face screwed up in disgust. "Tasteful."
"Sounds heroic enough," Optimus said approvingly, chin raised with the power of heroism. "Sacrifice."
Jazz waved one of his graphic novels. "Yer ancestor was the bestest o'them all, Ops."
"Of course he was," Prime said proudly. "My bad-assery spawned from somewhere."
"Haha, spawned," Bumblebee giggled. "Like how Starscream spawns an army?"
The Decepticon twitched with longing to beat the youngster, but refrained after a cursory glance at the Bumblebee-shield/Optimus. "No."
"...if he finds the tomb of the Primes, your world will be no more."
Jazz frowned. "Buh Jetty knows where th' weapon is. In th' graphic novels he was there when th'fools built it."
"Okay, so how do we stop him?" Mike asked with odd calm.
"As if it would be easy," Ratchet snorted.
"Only a Prime can defeat the Fallen," Jetfire declared dramatically.
"Comme moi!" Optimus roared, popcorn flung into the air and showering over everyone.
"Optimus Prime?" the boy asked simply.
"No way," Starscream monotoned. "He isn't a Prime."
"It's beyond your meagre comprehensive abilities, but I am," Optimus beamed. "This will be simpler than I had expected."
Megatron felt the need to pop his opposite's bubble. "But you're dead."
"Fool!" Ironhide cried. "Don'cha know ya cahn't keepa Prime down?"
"Yeaaaah," Optimus said smugly. "You wait."
Jetfire was suddenly very interested, even curling downwards to stare at the boy more intently. "So, you've met a Prime? Why, you must have met a great descendant."
"Look at his beard scraping on the ground!" Starscream laughed deliriously.
"Why does he even have a beard?" Ratchet scowled.
"I hate beards," Bonecrusher announced. "In our continuity we never have beards. I hate Bayformers."
Wherever they were, Wreck-Gar and Alpha Trion felt their audio receptors burning and hid in shame.
"Is he alive. Here. On this planet?"
"Why do I have a speech impediment?" Skyfire demanded. "Why can't I ask normally?"
"Oh sweet Bay," Arcee whispered pleadingly, "this is the part where you do not shame us with that standard of voice acting."
"This is the part where the boy says 'oh shit'," Megatron predicted.
"Value me now, do you?" Optimus shouted, shaking a fist at the human. "Realise what I did for you, eh? Oh no, you only care that I'm dead because now you want me to come back to life and save you all! Ho, don't think I'm doing it, you ungrateful little-"
"He sacrificed himself to save me," the boy said solemnly.
"So 'e's dead," Jetfire said brilliantly.
"Gen'rally what a sacrifice entails," Jazz agreed.
"Captain Obvious," Sideswipe muttered.
"Without a Prime, it's impossible," Captain Obvious continued. "No one else could stop the Fallen."
"What a cheery outlook," Arcee commented dryly.
"How many times do we need to be told that only Optimus can do it?" Starscream sneered.
"I quite like it," said mech refuted. "It makes me feel important."
"Does it make you feel less dead?" Megatron goaded gleefully. "Because you are dead, dead!" And he chuckled heartily for evil emphasis.
"...the same energy that's gonna be used to reactivate the machine- could that energy somehow be used to reactivate Optimus?"
"Don't make me akin to a machine!" Prime howled. "I am not a machine!"
"You are a machine," Megatron sniped for giggles.
"I'm not!" the Autobot shouted. "I am a beautiful sentient being!"
"So, then how do you get us to the Matrix before the Decepticons get to me?"
"Oooh," Ratchet sassed, "it's all about you, isn't it boy?"
"What you carved in the sand, it's your clue. When dawn alights the Dagger's Tip, Three Kings will reveal the doorway! Find the dooooorway!" Captain Obvious attempted to crush a nonplussed Sam and friends with his pimp-cane.
"It's clear that they've got no idea what to do," Starscream pointed out. "They're idiots, unlike me. Look, they don't even want to leave."
Jetfire attempted to hit Sam with his cane again- Skyfire crossed his fingers and was whispering quietly under his breath.
"Someone's gettin' a lil excited," Ironhide commented. "Mebbe he should lie down or paint or somethin'."
"Go now, go! Go before the Decepticons find me... and find you," Captain Obvious ordered, looming creepily and leering at the camera.
"Could he get much closer to the camera?" Arcee scowled. "Honestly."
"What's he going to do whilst they run around, have a nap?" Barricade demanded. "Why can't he use a space-bridge again and take them somewhere?"
"Like the Pit," the Fallen suggested.
"Good idea," Jazz approved. "Although 'bee needs t'be spared."
"I'll be spared!" Bumblebee cried.
"No, you won't," the Fallen said. "You're very irritating. You can take your counterpart's place and burn for eternity. He is too cute to burn."
"You like cute?" Optimus asked curiously.
"Everybody likes cute."
"I don't!" Megatron cried raspily. "I, the mighty Megatron, abhor cute! Megatron murders cute!"
"Nice third person, but I would have thought it would be far faster for Captain Obvious to either teleport or fly them somewhere," Arcee said.
"I- he wouldn't be able to take the Autobots if he flew," Skyfire pointed out.
"The Twins are useless, he could leave them."
"I wouldn't want Mike inside me," Ratchet shuddered. "She might try to molest my interior. And the unexplained male would ramble on and potentially leak everywhere. And who knows how the boy may act? He is socially unacceptable; might have a mental break and draw on me."
"What about the retard-ninja?" Sideswipe asked curiously.
"Do we even need to discuss him?" the CMO demanded.
So abruptly our rather rubbish 'heroes' are inside Bumblebee and we're driving around somewhere sandy and there's camels running. Road trip!
The retard-ninja snapped shut his phone. "Ancient Sumerians used to callthe Gulf of Aqaba the 'Dagger's Tip'."
"That's the Dagger's Tip," the boy said brilliantly.
Optimus quietly face-palmed. "I am increasingly losing conviction over the possibility of my resurRECTION."
"Maybe Captain Obvious was named too soon," Barricade muttered.
"-like the tip of a blaaade-"
"Why does he like that word so much?" Arcee demanded. "Fool-"
"Where'd the shard go?" Ironhide enquired aggressively. "Why cahn't we use it on Prihme?"
"Because the 'cons have it," Ratchet pointed out.
Accusing optics turned to Megatron.
"Don't look at me!" he ordered. "Don't look at meeee! ...Starscream, get them to stop looking at me."
"I don't know what happened to it," the Seeker complained. "Did you eat it?"
"Eat it? Through my chassis? You idiot-"
"First thing we've got to do is get Optimus to the Dagger's Tip," the boy announced authoritatively.
"You'll get me nowhere," Prime announced after a splutter. "Don't you get me anywhere!"
"I'm gonna make a call," he continued.
"Look at the boy with all the answers!" Megatron rasped. "Thinks he's so brilliant, with his calls and his first thing and his me me me."
"We got cops!" the boy suddenly declaimed, and the movie-Autobots swerved around for no apparent reason.
"Why would they do that?" Skyfire asked incredulously. "And why are those police cars using their sirens? There is no intel that the crew are in Egypt. They are looking for the boy, not a concept Camaro and two other Chevrolet excuses."
"That's how you make yourself a target," Sideswipe explained to an attentive Bumblebee. "You draw attention to yourself needlessly. Please do this as often as you like when you're alone."
"Sam, we got to get off this road and lay low!"
"Why doesn't he tell that t'Bumblebee?" Jazz asked furiously. "'bee's th'one in control o' this here operation!"
Apparently not though, for the boy looked very focused in the Camaro's driving seat.
"What in the Pit is wrong with this film?" Megatron howled wheezily, clambering to his pedes. "Why can't the yellow one drive itself? Surely he would be more competent-"
Without delay or explanation, Mike was suddenly heavily disguised, and the boy posed on a wall.
"Did she steal that garment?" Optimus asked indignantly. "A right has been revoked! A crime has been committed! A deviance has been do-"
"This is what's called blendin' in like a ninja," one of the retarded twins claimed, dangling from Bumblebee's grasp.
Nobody really cared which one it was. Names were irrelevant.
"Shut up or I'll blend my fist in your face," the other snarked.
"What's the betting that one or both will perish?" Ratchet asked hopefully, twirling a paper maché wrench. "If Bumblebee drops it and it lands on its helm, damage could be caused-"
"It's already processor-damaged," Sideswipe sighed. "I hope."
"I gotta make the call to Lennox..."
Arcee pursed her lips thoughtfully. "What, did the good-looking one trade numbers with him or something? Lucky thing-"
"You're on the Worldwide Wanted List-"
"I'm on the Worldwide Wanted List, yeas," Megatron informed an uninterested cinema.
"They'll track you here in seconds!" the retarded ninja claimed in upset, hands circling around like nobody's business.
"Like: Soundwave track!" Soundwave cried happily.
"You're gonna call," the boy said, looking at the ninja-man as if he'd said something stupid. Apparently saying "I gotta" is the equivalent to saying "you gotta". Hm.
"What a plan," Sideswipe said dryly.
Now we're in New Jersey, apparently!
Soundwave looked confused as the movie-Autobots were wheeled away towards planes. "Query: purpose of netting?"
"We're sentient beings and we're tied down!" Optimus roared furiously as movie-Sideswipe moved offscreen. "I have beef with this!"
"Stop trying to be down with the Earthlings," Megatron scowled. "You don't sound groovy."
"You're the one saying 'groovy'," Prime said spitefully. "Even I know that groovy is near archaic."
"Groovy!" Jazz cried. "Ah'll bring it back int'a use! Groovalicious! Groooooove!"
Sexy Beast continued to look unhappy, as he had throughout most of the film. "So we're shipping him back to base. This is such a mistake."
"At least he appreciates me," Optimus said. "Appreciates me as a being. Called me 'him' and everything."
"Wonderful," Megatron said. "I am delighted. But why does he consider going back a mistake? Where is the mistake?"
They thought about this.
"What are they going to do with your body?" Starscream asked suddenly. "Dump you in the ocean? Put you in a scrap yard? Reuse your parts? Compress you like a car?"
Megatron punched him soundly. "Starscream!"
Sexy Beast had a phone call!
"Lennox, I'm with the kid," the retard-ninja said. "The kid. You know, the one with the attitude, right?"
"What on Cybertron is that supposed to mean?" Ratchet demanded.
"He coulda jus' said 'boy'," Ironhide commented.
"Nah, that woulda been way too obvious t'someone listenin' in," Jazz disagreed.
"Boy would be too obvious?" Sideswipe asked incredulously.
"Obviously," Barricade said. "That's his name, after all."
"I hate the boy."
"We need the truck, the truck."
"Suggestion: retard-ninja becomes Captain Reiteration."
Captain Reiteration continued away on his phone. "We got a possible resur-"
"Say it, Starscream!" Optimus howled ecstatically, flapping his arms at Soundwave until the film was paused.
The Seeker gave him a Look. "What?"
"Say resurrection," Prime demanded. "It's my resurrection now."
"No," Starscream refused stubbornly.
Megatron laughed wheezily. "He only gets relieved over mine, Prime!"
Starscream silently stalked away and sat on a far seat.
"Code Tut -as in King Tutankhamen-"
"Fantastic code if he explains it," Skyfire grouched.
"Write it down, write it!" Captain Reiteration ordered quickly. "Oh my god, I got to go, okay. Heat comes!"
"The heat is coming," the irate shuttle corrected. "He can't even speak! He needed progressive tense, not whatever that was-"
Some well-disguised human ran up to the crew. The boy was not pleased; the speed the well-disguised human ran at dislodged the phone from the wall. "Wait, who are you?"
"How rude!" Bonecrusher grizzled. "I hate him."
"It's me, Leo! Me. Leo, leo, leo!"
"I got it!" Jazz cried suddenly. "Th'boy, unexplained male an' Captain Reiteration are related!"
"What?" Arcee demanded.
"They all repeat themselves- have around th'same skin tone, and," Jazz finished proudly, "there seems t'be a recurrin' theme of descendents meetin' Cybertronians. So why can't they b'Captain Reiteration's offspring?"
"The boy already has parents!" Ironhide pointed out indignantly. "Ah wahnted to kill them all up in th'first film."
"It's a lie!" Jazz shouted. "They're a wicked lie!""
"Movemovemovemove," one of the newly anointed family trio spluttered.
Sexy Beast and his henchman returned for another scene with a brief cameo of a nameless co-ordinates man.
"Egypt?" henchman demanded. "Are you serious?"
"No, he's just lying for the fun of it," Megatron said. "That nameless co-ordinates man would make a fine Decepticon."
"Why wouldn't he be serious?" Ratchet scowled.
English man appeared along with a suspiciously glaring Chin-suit man, who apparently thought Sexy Beast and his cohort were suspicious, hence some suspicious folding of his suspicious arms.
"Sir," English man said for no other reason than to remind the audience that British people are apparently involved with NEST. That means NEST aren't just American! The first film had some random Australian woman for the same purpose. NEST also have SRS BSNSS now with Egypt, so that makes it worldwide! Hurrah!
"Even if we could figure out a way to get big man over there, how is this little kiii—id supposed to-"
"ResurRECT me," Optimus finished cheerfully, waving at Starscream who was refusing to participate.
"Big man?" Ratchet repeated disgustedly as the soldiers continued. "Little kid?"
"Who is the big man?" Optimus demanded suddenly.
"Obviously: Prime." Soundwave interjected.
"I'm the big man?" Optimus nodded. "I'm the big man, yeaaah. And the little kid?"
"Is it really obvious?" Jazz asked, with a confused pout. "Why don't th'make it simple?"
"It's a bit rude to call him a little kid," Arcee said thoughtfully.
"What are you saying?" Sideswipe asked gleefully. "I see you with Spike and Hot Rod- you think he's your adopted child or something-"
"LIES!" she roared and prepared to rip his helm off, only a restraining arm from Optimus (who knew how he had managed to reach that far) preventing an attack.
"-we got to trust him," Sexy Beast finished firmly.
"Why?" Megatron roared wheezily. "What has the boy done to gain your trust? It's this that makes him so arrogant, so-"
"DESERT," Bumblebee squealed. "It's me again!"
"No, it isn't you," Barricade snickered spitefully. "It's a pretty Camaro with idiots inside it."
Bumblebee's wail was overridden by the Family Trio warbling away inside said Camaro.
"Let's go over it again," the boy commanded.
"Haven't we gone over it enough already?" Ratchet growled, strangling a rope-wrench. "We've done nothing but go over it."
"You know what it means?"
The boy was confused. "No. What does it mean?"
"I have no idea," Captain Reiteration replied.
"Kill me now," Starscream whined quietly from across the room, slowly sliding down his seat.
"Gladly," Megatron said, fusion cannon powering up-
"Oi," Jazz interrupted, "none o'the domestics today if y'please."
"But I don't please," Megatron argued. "I am Megatron, and I do tyrannical things because I am evil and-"
"Ohmygod, oh my god. Checkpointcheckpoint," one of Captain Reiteration's offspring noted brightly.
Ironhide began to wonder about more interesting things and poked at an audio receptor. "If ah shot mahself here, would ah offline?"
"Depends," Ratchet said helpfully. "Max out your power levels and you might manage it."
The red mech considered this deeply. "An' if ah shot mahself here?"
"No, just a lot of pain."
"Passpo-ort," some angry little man demanded.
"I hope they get arrested and die," Barricade wished fervently, shuttering his optics in the intensity of his desire.
"They got cameras at the top," the boy observed, making no attempts to avoid being captured by them.
"Hey look!" Arcee cried gleefully, "isn't that an Oompa Loompa?"
"Don't be rude," Optimus said disapprovingly. "Just because he's even more stumpy than regular weeny humans doesn't mean he should be discriminated against."
"No, really," she insisted, "I think that's an Oompa Loompa."
"This is espionage time," Captain Reiteration declared.
"Buh ah do espionage," Jazz said glumly. "Why can't ah do it?"
Optimus patted him on his shoulder plating comfortingly. "I should be standing around nobly Jazz, but we don't all get what we deserve."
"Little people are mean-"
Megatron splurted out the dubiously-acquired drink he'd been sucking up through a straw. "I did not just hear the runt say that."
Munchkin-Oompa-Loompa dwarf man ran his finger along movie-Bumblebee with a hideous drawn-out squeak.
The Transformers shuddered in unison.
"If he put his fingers on me like that I would break them," Arcee vowed.
"I would destroy him," Starscream hissed vehemently.
Captain Reiteration slowly lost his weird accent, and instead raised an arm in the air. "This is my son," he declared.
A moment later, the boy popped under his arm.
"See?" Jazz roared victoriously. "Ah told yer!"
Mike and the unexplained male grinned fixedly as he continued. "-my other son, my daughter-"
"Which one's which?" Sideswipe cackled, raising a hand for a high-five. After a second, his entire face fell as he realised no yellow hand was going to greet his.
"New York!" the weeny man cried.
"I don't understand- is that some sort of secret password?" Ratchet asked incredulously as the barrier inexplicably lifted and they were all rushed through.
Soundwave was storing it away for future reference just in case when movie-Soundwave and his satellite appeared.
Optimus warily raised a hand ready to cover Bumblebee's optics, and Starscream practically flew back across the room should he need Megatron's hand again.
No comment was made.
"Decepticons, boy's location: detected."
Soundwave's visor gleamed with pride. "Soundwave: useful."
And that was that, surprisingly.
"Oh man," Barricade complained, "I blinked and missed you."
"Why were you blinking?" Ratchet asked. "You're a Cybertronian, damn it, not a Bayformer."
Movie-Starscream zoomed through the incredibly blue sky which wouldn't have looked out of place in a holiday brochure. He made some sort of spazzy noise.
"Oooh," Megatron said, "check you with your fancy Cybertronian lingo. Unluckily for you, I understand it!"
"Everybody unnerstands," Ironhide pointed out, "it's on the bottom o'the screen-"
"Undermine the mighty Megatron, would you?" Megatron demanded in a very-Megatronly manner.
Back on the screen, nothing interesting was happening. The crew were now apparently ascending some cliff or something.
"Undercover, yo, you gotta blend in with your surroundings-"
"He sounds just like you," Starscream sneered to a horrified Jazz.
"Prime!" the saboteur wailed in anguish and tugged on his superior's arm, "yer can't let 'im say that!"
Optimus side-glanced at Megatron.
Megatron cannon-slapped Starscream.
Starscream was not happy.
"He's green," Arcee pointed out.
Skyfire snorted quietly. "He is neither teal nor orange and so cannot be part of 'the landscape'. Does he know nothing about Hollywood film?"
Movie-Bumblebee charged past the Retarded Twin purposefully.
"Argh," it cried as it fell, and the Transformers had cheap laughs.
"Yeah, yeah," Captain Reiteration said to himself.
So they all ran towards some steps.
"Guard us, low profile. Don't make a scene," the boy ordered.
"I hate him!" Bonecrusher scowled.
"How dare he command Bumblebee around like that?" Optimus demanded. "How arrogant!"
"Dumb Autobots," the runt said, apparently forgetting he'd just tried to defect.
Movie-Bumblebee drove off.
"I hope he's leaving the boy!" Arcee said angrily. "Forever!"
Mike and the boy appeared with a soft instrumental.
"Oh Primus," Megatron choked, looking slightly sick, "they're wasting our interaction time on this?"
"Being my girlfriend is hazardous to your health."
Ratchet had a different diagnosis. "Being the boy is hazardous to everybody's health."
"Watching this is hazardous to my health," the Fallen announced. "Where am I? Why aren't people burning and dying?"
"Girls like dang-irr-uss boys," Mike replied, baring her teeth.
"The boy is a danger t'himself," Jazz agreed, "but not t'anyone else."
"That's why fangirls prefer Decepticons," Megatron said. "We are mean and dangerous and stuff."
"You might as well just say it," she continued.
"In the name of Kup's cigar!" Prime exploded. "Why must she dribble on?"
"You realise I just flew three-thousand miles to keep you from getting killed?"
"Shouldn't have bothered," Arcee shrugged. "Stupid girl."
"-you still can't even tell me that you love me," Mike whined.
"Tell the boy you love him!" Skyfire nearly snarled. "Is it so hard-"
"How selfish!" Optimus continued angrily, "I have just died for this fool and she whines about something so trivial? Perhaps he is in mourning, or-"
"Pyramids," the boy said, and they were off again.
The unexplained male and Captain Reiteration were snuggled against each other. I find this quite cute, actually, or I would if it didn't look like one was trying to eat the other's hair.
Jazz was smug. "See? They know they family. "
Whilst the unexplained male snarked away at the boy, Captain Reiteration had a fixedly startled look.
"Has he been caught doing something inappropriate?" Sideswipe asked.
Ratchet shrugged. "All of this is inappropriate, it shouldn't matter."
"Here. Get up, up up."
"This film could be made inta a beautiful remix," Jazz said thoughtfully.
Soundwave fast-forwarded through some ridiculous exposition and unlikely plot developments, and then unsurprisingly through more shots of flash cars driving around.
"Wait!" Sideswipe cried suddenly, "NEST- something interesting might happen now!"
Optimus looked quite pleased. "I have most of a plane to myself."
"Why is your hand resting there?" Megatron demanded.
"You can see where it's resting. Why is it there?"
"My hand can go wherever it likes," Prime refuted. "You're jealous because you don't have hands, clawed thing."
Chin-Suit Man froze in the middle of violently investigating a newspaper. "Bailout? Bailout? Bailout? Bailout?"
"Do you know," Arcee said, "I think they might be bailing out."
"No," Sideswipe shook his helm. "It wasn't very clear."
"He's very excited about it," Bumblebee noted.
"Whaaaa?" The good-looking human wasn't overly sophisticated in hiding his glee. "All right, teee-am, grab your chu-uutes," he managed to drawl out enthusiastically.
"Bailout like bailout?"
"No," Starscream hissed. "Bailout like not bailout, Captain Bailout."
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're behind this, aren't you?"
"He's good!" Jazz whistled.
"Behind what?" Bumblebee asked naively. "The plane's in trouble!"
"O' course it is," Ironhide said kindly.
"Don't they need to put chutes on Optimus too?"
"No," Skyfire said, "the ground is covered in a giant Optimus-specific bouncy castle. He'll just flop onto it quite gracefully."
"I'm just following orders to the letter. Isn't that what you said?"
"Burnnnn," Sideswipe whispered gleefully as Captain Bailout's face contorted in ragey looking pain.
"You just signed a death warrant on your career, Major-"
"As if," Barricade scowled. "He's done nothing wrong."
"I have an ulcer!" Captain Bailout cried as he was dragged to his doom.
"I hope it consumes you from within!" Optimus smiled cheerfully.
"I have to secure the VIPeeeeeees first!" the good-looking one explained emphatically.
"That's my pede," Prime noted. "Look, it's right there. It's huge!"
"They're such femmes!" Megatron declaimed loudly as the soldier slapped Captain Bailout. "Slap him again!"
Arcee silently unsubspaced a pistol.
The good-looking one started making manic movements. "I need you to pull it really hard-!"
"That's what she said," Starscream interjected smugly.
Optimus shot him a dirty look over Bumblebee's helm.
"Argggggh," Captain Bailout cried as he shot out into the sky.
The Transformers cackled.
"Can we do that to the boy- without a parachute?" Skyfire enquired. "And to all the humans, really."
"I don't see why not," Prime said. "Let's hope it happens."
The gingery-dead man from the first film appeared briefly with a note from the good-looking soldier person.
"Bring the rain?" Bumblebee read slowly. "Can you bring rain?"
"Apparently," Sideswipe shrugged. "I hope they have umbrellas."
"I hate rain!" Starscream raged. "Unless immediately polished, horrid streaks are left on my gorgeous paintwork!"
"I feel your pain," the Lamborghini said solemnly, and they shared their agony in a moment of silence.
"You've got to be kidding me!" the dead-man declared.
"Why does nobody just believe something in this film?" Ratchet snarled, a soft clay wrench clasped tightly in his hand. "Why must they make such inane utterances-"
"CIA just got a hit on the boy-"
"The boy!" Prime cried joyously, "who still doesn't have a name!"
"It's getting hotter," dead-man said.
"Inane," Ratchet repeated lowly. "Why can't he say 'Oh, how interesting', or-"
"Th'game's afoot!" Jazz suggested.
Back in Egypt, divine instrumentals indicated that the crew had found the Primes' corpses.
Wheelie had disappeared, but nobody really cared.
The unexplained male was unhappy. "-we're trusting Grandpa Blackbird who doesn't even know what planet he's on?"
Skyfire bristled. "Grandpa Blackbird? I'll give you-"
Jazz was outraged. "Why, you- try readin' Tales of the Fallen or Sector 7 an' insult Captain Obvious like that, impudent whelp!"
"In his defense, this is the biggest doorway I've ever seen in my entire life," Captain Reiteration mused, spinning about.
"You live in a deli," Sideswipe pointed out. "And a meatlocker. Are those notorious for large doorways?"
But no, unexplained male had decided he'd had enough, and he ranted on until Captain Reiteration stood up for the Cause.
"Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow and the leprechauns went and booby-trapped it!"
"I think he's on drugs," Ratchet said cheerfully.
"Rainbows explode?" Bumblebee asked, horrified.
"In Bay films," Optimus said helpfully.
"I mean, what you ever done for us except ding my rim?"
"Ding his rim? What does that even mean?" Starscream demanded.
"Killed Megatron. How about that?"
Megatron pouted angrily. "Lies! The orn a puny fleshling damages me is the orn-"
Optimus sniggered quietly.
"I'm ugly? Well, we're twins, you stupid genius!"
"Oxymoron," Skyfire said tiredly. "Twerps."
"At least Sunny and I are beautiful," Sideswipe commented proudly. "Although I must say-"
"Bring it, then! Get off me!" the other cried.
"He seems confused over what he wants," Prime noted.
"I'll change your face around!"
"I'll get all up in that ass!"
"Graphic," Arcee grimaced. "I must say, I won't complain about you and Sunny anymore."
Movie-Bumblebee did not appreciate the danger presented to the boy (unfortunately), and so put a satisfyingly violent end to the Twins' idiotic behaviour.
How lucky! One of them splatted into a wall, hoorah, and the film can progress because of the Big Reveal.
"Bee!" the boy roared commandingly, jabbing at the hole. "Shoot it."
"If only the humans were with incredibly intelligent and powerful entities," Skyfire said. "They might be autonomous and be able to do things by themselves. I suppose that's just unlikely."
"I hope they get blinded by that sand," Ratchet said.
"These are the bodies Jetfire was talking about."
"Believe me now?" Skyfire demanded.
Captain Reiteration decided it was appropriate to shout "Yo" in the sacred place.
"The Matrix," the boy said reverently, zooming towards something small, silver and spiky.
You call that the Matrix?" Ironhide demanded. "It looks nothing like-"
Megatron perked up. "Say, Prime- open your chassis up so we can get a good look at how it should be-"
"Burn in the Pit," Optimus snapped.
"Come come," the Decepticon wheedled, fingers twitching. "Just a peek!"
"I will throw you through the screen," Optimus threatened lowly. "And then I will destroy you. Piece by piece."
"Will you take his face?" Bumblebee asked cheerily.
"I might. Not out of violence," he added quickly, "but out of curiosity. There is clearly something in the action that my counterpart enjoys."
"Still," Ratchet said, "that doesn't excuse the retarded look of the Matrix! "
"Well now," Arcee said, "It isn't unexpected. Everything in the Bayverse is needlessly complicated and spiky."
Megatron nodded sympathetically. "It is clearly modelled for me as a fashion accessory, Prime. I will collect it from the boy's cold fingers."
The Important Artefact That Looked Nothing Like The Matrix suddenly crumbled.
"Who's in trouble now?" Megatron rasped gleefully.
"That's clearly supposed to happen," Optimus said. "It's an easier method for transportation."
"The Pit it is," the Decepticon returned. "It's in pieces!"
"Thousands of years, turned to dust," Captain Reiteration said softly, and it suddenly hit the more hopeful audience members that this was not supposed to happen.
"Shit," Prime said near inaudibly before rushing out of the room suddenly.
"Prime?" Ironhide called worriedly. "Y-"
A wild wail was returned. "I need to buy refreshments!"
Bumblebee hiccupped in the ensuing silence.
Sideswipe ventilated heavily and broke the silence. "He's having a breakdown, isn't he."
"I could cheer him up," Megatron offered slyly.
"Shut up," Ratchet said. "Ironhide, you go. Your face is laughable, might cheer him up."
The red mech hastily left the screening and peered out into the empty hallway. He began to call out to his leader, but the name died on his lips when he heard a quiet sob.
/In a bad way,/ he commed the medic. /Goin' in./
Before he could even take a step, Ratchet was suddenly beside him. "Second thoughts, you're incapable of not putting your pede in it. You look funny, I'll talk."
They advanced towards the bathroom, the origin of the noises.
"Prime?" Ironhide enquired gently.
"That's quite enough talking from you," Ratchet said. "You're sure to say something inappropriate. If you value your life, be silent now."
Ironhide did happen to value his life, and after a couple more moments and a brief investigation, they realised Optimus was crying in a cubicle.
"How did yer fit in there?" Ironhide asked curiously.
Ratchet clouted him. "How does that matter?"
"You okay?" the red mech tried again.
"Of course he isn't okay," Ratchet hissed. "...Optimus? Open the door, let us in."
"Or ah'll blow it up," Ironhide offered helpfully.
There was a click as the lock was removed; the door swung gently open and greeted them with the rather pathetic sight of their miserable commander.
"Things aren't so bad," Ratchet said with vague hope, trying to summon enthusiasm. "Cheer up."
"I'm fine," Prime mumbled from behind his hands. "I'll be back in a moment. I just fell into the toilet and have solvent in my optics. Just flushing it out."
"Oh," Ironhide said. "C'mon, Ratch-"
Ratchet cast him an odd look. "You are stupid, Ironhide. Go and steal some refreshments. I will- aid the cleaning process."
Ironhide agreed enthusiastically and departed after enquiring what food they both would like.
Ratchet managed to wait until he had left the toilet before narrowing his optics. "That mech is retarded, Optimus."
Prime sniffled, shoulder shaking as he continued crying.
"This isn't very dignified or Primely," the CMO said. "Think about your reputation, mech."
Optimus managed something that Ratchet translated to be something along the lines of "I'm dead forever and Megatron will win and laugh at me and I didn't even get to tell everyone I loved them lots".
"Of course Megatron won't laugh at you because you're dead," Ratchet said. "He's a nutter, he laughs at everyone. Besides, he wouldn't laugh anyway; he much prefers you alive. And we all know that you love us. You tell us nearly every orn."
"Oh," Optimus choked.
"We love you too," Ratchet said in a pained wheeze.
"You love me?" Prime managed to say. "You?"
He burst into tears again-
"Fine fine, I do. Just think positively," the CMO said, smiling slightly about something. "Think about inflicting great torment on those you hate and getting away with it daily."
Optimus choked back another sob.
"Seriously, you must stop crying," Ratchet said abruptly, "else your mask will fill with tears and you won't be able to ventilate. I won't save you."
"US Air Force! C-seventeeeeeens!" Captain Reiteration screamed, charging off like an ADD child on sugar.
The unexplained male followed him like a puppy, abandoning the actual Important Mission.
"At least Mike is still there," Arcee pointed out.
"Why is her artificial lip enhancement still perfectly applied?" Starscream raged. "It's ridiculous!"
"A girl's got to look good," Arcee protested.
"Good thing you're not a girl-"
She slapped him.
"Ow!" Starscream screeched, hand clasped to his burning cheek. "That hurt!"
"That was the intention, you-"
"I can make the pain go away," Megatron said hopefully, wiggling his monobrow thing.
"How?" the Seeker demanded.
"By punching you in another part of your body."
"So kind!" Megatron agreed.
"I'd offer you painkillers," Ratchet said, returning from his Prime-mission, "but I don't care about you."
Bumblebee giggled. "Ratch, you're so sweet."
"You can't bring him back," Mike said gently.
"Why th'Pit not?" Jazz demanded. "He's Prime. He doesn't know howta stay dead."
"Tell Optimus that," Ratchet whispered discreetly. "Cheer him up a bit when he comes back."
"Look! Look around you," the boy ordered.
"Yes, look at the corpses!" Starscream cried.
"The voices and the symbols in my head led us here for a purpose."
"No," Ratchet said slowly, "that's just schizophrenia."
"Everyone's after me because of what I know, and what I know is that this is going to work."
Megatron sighed angrily. "My movie-self wants him for the Matrix's location, not because he knows it's going to work, whatever that means."
"How do you know it's gonna work?"
"Because I believe it," the boy said with great conviction.
"Is his name Naruto?" Jazz wondered, half-wondering if he was going to don an orange jumpsuit.
"That isn't a reason!" Ratchet beat his own forehelm with a wrench, which was unfortunately another wrench Optimus hadn't replaced. A sizable dent appeared. "Ow- curse you, boy!"
Ironhide bravely retrieved the wrench from the seething, rocking CMO before it could be hurled at the screen.
"This is nonsensical," Starscream whined. "Can I go now?"
"You best let me out of this plane," movie-Ironhide said gravely as the movie-Autobots broke free of the pathetic netting.
Sideswipe squealed. "That was me! I was there too!"
"Dropping the big boy-"
"Soundwave dislikes connotation that Prime is like the boy," Soundwave said.
"I'm bigger!" Megatron rasped furiously, "I am the biggest!"
"You think you can bring him back to life with that pixie dust?"
"Mmm," Starscream said, "how reassuring."
"...Surely we should wait for Optimus?" the Decepticon Commander said suddenly. "I want to see his face when my faction triumphs over his."
Ratchet decided to pay another visit to the toilets.
Oooer, it's been a bit of a while. Do you think we'll finish before Dark of the Moon? ;) And eeeh, it won't be long now! 8D
At any rate, next chapter should be the last! (phew)