"I beg your pardon?" Sheldon raised his eyebrows and stared at the computer screen, mouth gaping wide.
"I thought my enunciation was clear. I require you and Leonard to enter a relationship immediately. Is there something wrong with the connection?" Beverly Hofstadter peered at her webcam inquisitively, checking for any loose cables.
"No, my use of the phrase 'I beg your pardon?' was intended as an exclamation of disbelief, rather than the common usage of not being able to hear someone. Maybe I used it incorrectly? If so, I must apologise."
"Oh, no." Dr. Hofstadter waved her hand in dismissal. "That is another frequent utilisation of the term. No apologies are necessary."
"Good." Sheldon nodded, satisfied with another opportunity to conquer the illogic of modern terminology.
"So I assume you were hoping for clarification on my hoping for yourself and Leonard to join together in a homosexual relationship?"
"Right." Beverly leaned back in her chair. "As of a week ago, Leonard is no longer engaged in a relationship with the Cheesecake girl, correct?"
"Indeed. Instead, he has taken to occupying his time by sitting in his room with the curtains drawn playing his music very loudly. I believe today's artist of choice was Celine Dion."
"The only way to halt this depressing cycle, which has occurred after the terminations of each of Leonard's relationships is for him to enter a new one. Clearly, my son has no chance with any desirable members of the opposite sex, which is where you come in." Beverly nodded firmly. "Also, a colleague of mine recently published an interesting paper. A Dr. Cameron Watson, geneticist."
"I haven't read it yet, but it sounds fascinating. A theory on how to use two men's sperm to create one, physically ideal child without an egg, is it not?" Sheldon formed a steeple with his fingers, staring at Beverly. "But if there were any breakthrough in this field, it would take at least twenty years to be publicly available."
"Yes, but they foresee needing human subjects in seven to ten years, which, presuming your relationship with Leonard starts within a month or so, would put you two at a prime position to enter the trials."
"It would be interesting to see the results of my clearly superior brain combining with Leonard's superior genetic line…" Sheldon mused thoughtfully. "And it would mean passing on my genes without the chance they might be corrupted by an unworthwhile female partner. Unfortunately, Leonard is unlikely to take such a logical stance, especially as he has always shown himself to be steadfastly heterosexual."
"A minor issue, but a troublesome one." Beverly frowned lightly. "You will simply have to convince him. I recommend using oral sex as a bargaining tool."
"Would that even be effective? My studies on behavioural conditioning all used chocolate, but I suppose intercourse creates a similar chemical effect." Sheldon pulled out his emergency notebook and pencil. "Any tips on the actual process, or should I google it?"
"No, no. I can give you few. But first you should go and get a banana for practice."
"I'm fairly certain his genitals won't be shaped like that. Wouldn't a carrot be more effective, structurally speaking?"
"The major advantage to a banana is its texture, specifically the ability to show teeth marks."
Leonard snuck out of his room. He didn't have to sneak, technically speaking, it being broad daylight in his own flat, but he felt it rather damaged his appearance of being anguished and broken-hearted if he was seen coming out for food breaks. He tiptoed down the hallway, peeking into the lounge to see if Sheldon was still there talking to his mother, or whether he had finally gone to his room.
"Damn." Leonard cursed under his breath, as he saw Sheldon still sitting there, and adding insult to injury by actually eating a banana as he did so.
Or not eating it, he realised watching Sheldon swirl his tongue around the top of the banana and bob down, taking it about a third of the way into his mouth before pulling back.
Suddenly, Leonard wasn't hungry anymore. He blushed a deep red, backing away into his room. The back of his heel caught on a doorframe and he fell heavily, landing with a thump on the wooden floor.
"Dr. Hofstadter? Leonard has left his room, and I'm going to have to go now." Sheldon politely informed the computer screen clicking it off and advancing on Leonard with an odd expression on his face.