It's not like she'd said no.
It's not like I was the one who'd come up with the idea.
It was Renesmee who had pressed her lips ever so lightly against mine, not the other way around.
So why was I panicking?
Renesmee laid back against my pillows, her curly dark bronze hair cascading off of the white sheets. She sighed heavily and put her hands over her face. A gesture I knew all to well. I put my hand on her wrist, persuading her to take her hands off of that beautiful face of hers.
"What am I doing?" Renesmee groaned. I pried her hands off her face and she closed her eyes. I got on my knees and put my fist into the bed on either side of Renesmee's head. I hovered over her and she opened her eyes. "What are we doing?" She corrected herself and I let my lips brush against hers in answer.
"It's too late for questions." I whispered and Renesmee bit her lip, looking up at me. It was that same look that made me want to kiss her five minutes ago. I rolled off of her and she let out a low groan.
"I don't want you to think I don't like you Seth. I do, a lot. Too much." Renesmee said softly and I turned to look at her.
"I like you too Renesmee, but if Jake finds out he'll have a cow." It was my turn to put my hands over my face. My best friend, the Alpha, Jacob Black. If he'd found out I'd been fooling around with his, not only his girlfriend, but his imprint… forget it.
"I don't want to talk about Jacob right now, you're going to make me puke." Renesmee grumbled. I looked at her and she looked truly sick with herself. What we were doing was wrong. One-hundred-and-twenty percent.
"Renesmee you're going to have to go back to him." I said, wishing more than anything it wasn't true. I lied. I didn't like Renesmee, I loved her.
"But Seth don't I have a choice?" Renesmee's voice broke and I looked at her. Her eyes were brimming over the top with tears. She turned on her side and gripped at the side of my pillowcase, shutting her eyes. Tears oozed over her closed eyelids and I brought myself closer to her, kissing her teardrops as they fell down her soft cheeks.
"It would kill Jacob, you know that." I tried so hard to make everyone happy. This was the only thing that made me happy, why couldn't I have it?
"But it kills me knowing this isn't real. Knowing this isn't a possibility." Renesmee sobbed quietly and she bit her lip to keep the tremors from rocking through her.
"Wren…" I warned, using my own personal nickname for her. She was getting ahead of herself and we both knew it. She couldn't have me and I couldn't have her; that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
"Please Seth, tell me we can still have this. Whatever this is." Renesmee begged quietly. I knew the answer I wanted to give, yes Renesmee, we can have this forever. But then I remembered the answer I had to give.
"Renesmee, this is a lie." I said coldly. Renesmee flinched a little at the bitterness in my voice. I closed my eyes and sighed, my breath hitching a little. I was ready to cry too. It was sad knowing the one person I ever really loved wasn't mine to have… and she would never be.
I thought of everything Jacob could say to me. All the bad things he could do to me if he found out what was going on right in front of him. It was so unlike me to break the rules… ever. Especially werewolf rules. I was so alone though, without Renesmee I sat at home, waiting for someone to finally say, "Hey, let's call Seth." But the only person who ever called on me was Renesmee.
I was surprised Edward said nothing. Every time Jacob and I went over the border to see Renesmee and the family, all I could think about was her. Every aspect of her and how it glowed in every atmosphere she entered. Edward acted as though he heard nothing. He was just as trust worthy as I thought he was.
And I will never forget the pain I feel every time Jacob holds Renesmee close to him or kisses her. When he touches her, when he pulls her chin up to touch his lips to hers it makes bile rise in my throat because it should be me. I should be the one taking care of Renesmee and being there for her.
It kills me when Jacob puts his hands on her waist and is able to love her openly while I have to wallow and resort back to my room where Renesmee and I can be alone. I want this to be easy. I want this whole "imprint" thing to be a big lie. I want Renesmee to be able to come home to me and kiss me like she does when she's with Jacob. I want her face to light up like it does when she sees Jacob because as much as I hate to admit is she loves him too.
Renesmee outstretched her hand so her fingertips were just grazing the stubble growing on my jaw line. I felt the rush of images flood my mind as Renesmee showed me what she wanted to.
Every single image was of me and of her.
It was us, kissing, watching movies together. Me, running the very tips of my fingers along the inside of Renesmee's hand just like she always liked me to. It was me, winking at Renesmee when Jacob had turned his back for the moment. It was us, holding each other, intertwined in this lie we both knew we couldn't have.
Then it was Renesmee, laying in front of me, crying, looking deep into my eyes. I swear, Renesmee is the only person who can look at me like that and make me feel like I matter. To everyone else I'm the pushover, the punching bag, the pity friend. To Renesmee I'm her secret, her one and only, I'm so much more.
I let my thoughts shut out as I pressed my lips to Renesmee's again and she put her hands at the nape of my neck and knotted them into my hair. Then we picked up where we left off, because if I was going to be honest, this wasn't the first time.