One-time only long-winded disclaimer: I own nothing related to Haruhi Suzumiya, regrettably. Nothing written in this story is for profit and is made purely for the entertainment of me and any readers I may have.
I should never have hit Haruhi. I know this may sound obvious but I had been perfectly willing to accept the consequences so long as she stopped tormenting the increasingly distraught Asahina-san. I had expected something quick and painless – being erased from existence, maybe, or the universe being recreated so that I had never met Haruhi.
My first thought, upon noticing, had been to immediately call the other members of the brigade and arrange for us to meet at the bench in the park that functioned as a supernatural meeting point. Koizumi and Asahina-san were unsurprisingly sceptical but agreed to meet me there after I mentioned events no other normal human could know. Nagato's reply was as simple as expected: "Understood."
As it was past midnight I had to sneak out of the house, which took long enough that I was the last to arrive as usual – even though it wasn't one of Haruhi's outings, I had the feeling I would still be forced to pay for something at some point.
It was the first time I had ever realised just how tall Koizumi is compared to Nagato and Asahina-san, even compared to Haruhi. I guess that sharing a near-identical perspective to him had made me consider us average, girls in general small and the smallest brigade-members tiny. Only now did I realise that Haruhi was far closer to the average than we were.
"K-Kyon? Is that really you?"
Ah, Asahina-san's voice, the perfect balm for a troubled soul when it was too dark to see the body! The recollection that it was Haruhi's fascination with said body that had caused my current problem cut short my relief, replacing it with the realisation that if Asahina-san's body had been a tiny bit less attractive I might not be in my current situation. If Asahina-san's body had been any less attractive, I might not have survived the brigade as long. This notion counteracted any negative feeling towards the time-traveller's body, restoring the normal positive feeling it created – and perhaps a small bit of jealousy.
"Their expression resembles Kyon's and their hair and eye colours are truly identical. Along with the resemblance in their facial features, we either have Kyon or Kyon's long-hidden twin here." Koizumi answered for me, still wearing a smile on his face – did he have plastic surgery at some point so that he could keep it up all the time? – despite the emergency that this change was. "And now that we've been here for a while, I'm beginning to remember things that happened differently to reality – such as Suzumiya-san stopping Kyon when she was attacked. If things aren't restored to how they were before it seems likely that all of our memories will be replaced with alternate variants within a week, maybe by dawn, and none of us – with the exception of Nagato-san – will remember this happened. I-"
"The data regarding Kyon's memories remains stable. Their recollections won't change." Nagato helpfully interjected, giving me time to ask an important question – why had I changed like this? My voice sounded wrong when I spoke, as if someone had taken a recording of my words and changed their tone.
"Suzumiya-san always wanted you to be like this, as she chose you and this is her idea of an ideal partner. Whilst there was nothing wrong with your personality before, Suzumiya-san found your body completely unappealing. Her reaction to your method of escape from when she created the new world was even more positive in my new memories, leaving her in a good mood all week, confirms my previous suspicions. Your punch merely gave her subconscious a good reason to alter reality – as you are now; you are physically incapable of fighting Suzumiya-san. With the change retroactively applied to everyone's memories it will seem as if I stopped you from attacking her a second time for your own safety."
So you're telling me that Haruhi Suzumiya is a lesbian? That's why I woke up after falling asleep at my desk as a flat-chested girl smaller than both Nagato and Asahina-san and with a ponytail longer than the one Haruhi had when I met her? If what you've said is true, that provides even further proof, as if any was needed, that Haruhi has strange tastes. It does explain her actions around Asahina-san, especially why Haruhi's forever dressing her in strange costumes. It also explains why she never kept a boyfriend for long.
"That's exactly what I'm saying. Suzumiya-san is – and always has been, even though she tried to deny it for you – interested exclusively in members of the same sex."
Your argument has a flaw – if Haruhi is exclusively interested in girls then why was she even remotely interested in me?
"Suzumiya-san's feelings for you were purely that of a close friend but pressure from her parents, when they found out how she felt about women, made her try to force herself to love you. It half-worked – she fell in love with you as a person but couldn't bring herself to accept your gender. Even if you had never hit her, you would have ended up like this eventually."
Silence reigned for a while, leaving the four of us looking like characters from a harem anime – two of us were dressed in our school uniform and Asahina-san was dressed in an outfit more suited to a summer's day than a night in late autumn, even though the weather was unusually mild. Koizumi looked like he could have stepped out of an advertisement for everything from shampoo to toothpaste, though he was dressed more sensibly than Asahina-san.
Eventually we split up and returned home, with me being the only one of us convinced that this was an emergency – for two reasons. If the actual sex-change itself wasn't counted as an emergency two associated obstacles remained:
1) I had no memories of being a girl other than a single evening – how was I supposed to act? I didn't know what the others remembered and how I was expected to act or how girls acted in general.
2) Haruhi hadn't just changed my body – my feelings had been changed as well.
I was in love with God.
AN: Review, please? The story gets better as you read it, by the way.