A/N: Hey guys. Just an idea that popped into my head last week, and I've been working on it ever since (Sunday). I know, I should be working on my other story, Just a Misunderstanding, but after receiving only one review for my last chapter (Thank you so much FelicityGreyson) I guess I just feel like people have lost interest in it.
Well, anyways, read and enjoy :D
Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series, or any of the characters in it. I merely borrow them for a bit, and give them better lives :D
Summary: Remus' mind is trapped between two different worlds, not sure which is dream, and which is coming in which he must choose which life he wants, and which one he is more willing to lose.
WARNING: Rated for cursing (Damn Sirius and his potty mouth. Lol) there is also male/male fluffiness and what not, so hit that little back button that all internet pages tend to have if you don't like. Don't flame me now that I've warned you. It slash, but not x rated, because there isn't any sex in it, but if any of you think I sex scene should be included, I'll add it in if someone is willing to write it for me. Lol. I'd be blushing the entire time if I tried writing it.
Genre: Romance (obviously),Angst, Supernatural, Suspense, a little bit of Humor, and almost anything else you can think of. Lol.
Ok, now, seriously, go and read the story.
Two Worlds, One Heart
"Mom, I'm fine, really…"
"Doctor, do you know what's wrong with him? Is he imagining things?"
The doctor sighs, looking at me sadly, before turning back to face my mom.
"No, ma'am, I don't think he is, but…"
"He's been talking about another world as if it actually exists."
"I know, miss, but you must understand…"
"No, you need to understand, mister. There's something wrong with my baby, and I want to know what!"
I groan softly, burying my face in my hands.
You probably don't have a clue as to what's going on, as to why I'm in the doctor's office, or as to why my mother is under the belief that I'm losing my mind. Let me explain.
Ever since I was little, I've had these dreams. At least, I had thought that they were dreams, but now I'm not so sure. In these "dreams," I am in another world, a world where wizards and witches and other creatures actually exist. I've had them for as long as I can remember, and they're just… they're just so realistic, so clear, that I can no longer separate dream from reality, no longer tell which life is real and which is merely a child's fantasy.
And I made the mistake of revealing this to my mother.
It was an accident really. I talk to my mom about everything, everything except for my "other life," the life that has become such a part of me that I can't imagine being without it, no matter how much it hurts to be in that "other life" at times.
Well, anyways, I was chatting with my mom about school, and I accidently mentioned some prank Sirius Black, my best friend, and perhaps a bit more, in my "other life" had pulled a few days ago, a prank that is completely impossible to do in this world, and that's how it all began.
She had seemed horrified as I finally relented and filled her in on almost every aspect of the dreams that I could remember. My school, my friends, my "curse," as I've so deemed the lycanthropy I was born with in this "other world."
I told her everything, except for the fact that I was in love with the boy, Sirius, from my "dreams." After all, she seemed horrified enough that a boy of fifteen still had imaginary friends. I wasn't going to tell her that I also had an "Imaginary" boyfriend.
"They're not imaginary," something voice in my head screams, making my flinch and cover my ears in an attempt to drown it out.
I already have enough problems. I don't need to start talking to myself.
I turn my attention back to the doctor, who looks as if he is ready to drug my mom just to get her to "Shut the bloody, fucking hell up," as Sirius would say, before the aging man finally turns his attention onto me, giving up on trying to sooth or speak to my frazzled mother.
"Young man," he says, voice gentle and gruff all at once, reminding me of Madam Pomfrey, the medi-witch at Hogwarts.
'Just a dream, just a dream,' I keep chanting in my head, trying to erase thoughts of Hogwarts and magic and friend out of my head. 'They don't exist' I try to reason with myself, before gasping in pain.
It hurt to try and forget about them, to try and claim that they don't exist.
I look up at the doctor, Dr. Richmond, with tears in my eyes, born from both pain and as well as from fear. "I know that they're just dreams, or I try to tell myself that they are, sir, but it hurts, it hurts so much to not acknowledge them, and it all feels so real. It feels so bloody real."
The doctor nods softly, looking me in the eye. "How long have you had these "dreams," he asks, and I can practically hear the quotation marks that he places around the word 'dream,' much as I do while I'm in this world.
"For a long time," I finally manage to whisper. "I can't remember a time when I didn't have them."
Dr. Richmond nods, and I glance over at my mother, who was busy wringing her hands and whispering, "My baby. My poor, poor baby," over and over again.
"Do you know what's wrong with me Doctor," I ask, turning my attention back to the graying man who sits in front of me.
"Nothing," he says with a kind smile. The smile doesn't reach his gray eyes though, so much like Sirius', and I begin to worry my bottom lip with my teeth, due to the grim expression in his eyes.
"Then why am I having these dreams?"
"They're not dreams, Remus."
I look at him, confused. Not dreams? But how is that possible? Sure, I have never really believed that these "dreams," this other life with magic, and friends and just... happiness, are merely a figment of my imagination. I mean, how can I, when I come back bruised or with other marks on me (Sirius gets enthusiastic during our snogging sessions) but I have always believed that was merely wishful thinking that left me unable to separate fantasy from reality. What does the doctor mean?
"They are not dreams?" I ask speaking slowly. That I was confused was clearly evident in the way I stated my question. I am also slightly shocked that my mother is remaining silent throughout this whole exchange. "Does that mean that this life, where I am now, with you two, is a dream?"
My mother gasps, shocked and horrified once more, covering her eyes and crying softly.
Dr. Richmond shakes his head slowly, looking grim.
"I'm not entirely sure, my boy. I've never seen a case such as yours, never thought that a case such as yours would ever exist. You see, it is very common for young children and teens, and often even some adults, to imagine themselves in another world, one where they are happier in. And often, they get so caught up in these day dreams of theirs that they are unable to separate dreams from reality."
"But I thought you just said…"
"I know what I said, Remus, and I'm telling you son, it is quite common for people to get lost in the fantasies that they have created for themselves, but somehow, that is not your case."
"I don't understand, Doctor." This is said by me in quite a pitiful voice, and I rub my head in hopes of warding off the headache that seems ready to burst from my skull.
Dr. Richmond sighs. "Your mother says you've been having "dreams" of another world, yes? One in which witches and wizards and other creatures that belong in nothing but fairy tales here actually exist, is that all correct?"
I nod slowly, for my mouth was suddenly much too dry for words to escape.
"Well, this may come as a surprise to you, or perhaps not, but Remus, that other world you've dreamt about… they haven't been dreams, son. That other world, somehow, when you are in it, is just as real as the one you are in now."
"But how is that possible," I ask, Dr. Richmond and myself both ignoring my mother as she faints dead away.
The doctor shrugs his shoulders stiffly, looking annoyed at not having all the answers. "I'm not sure Remus. As I said before, I've never seen a case like yours. Let me think… have you ever been injured in this wizardry world of yours?"
I nod, rolling up the sleeves of my long sleeved t shirt slowly, showing him the scares that ran up my arms, leading to my shoulders.
"In the other world, whatever it is, I'm a…" I look down, blushing softly, fearing that the doctor would laugh at me and call me nothing but a child with a head full of fantasies.
"You're a what," Dr. Richmond probs gently, voice soft and coaxing.
"I'm a werewolf," I whisper, and Dr. Richmond nods, looking sad at the same time that he seems to understand.
"So there are more scars?"
"And that healer you spoke of, she could not heal them?"
I shake my head.
"So I'm existing in two different worlds now then," I ask, making sure I understood. Dr. Richmond hums a yes.
"How does that work? Do I travel…"
"It is not about traveling or transporting or teleporting. It is merely that you exist in both of these worlds, that one and this one, and when you sleep in one, you become aware of the other."
"Do I sleep at all?"
"It appears as if you do not. Not truly."
"Do you have any idea why?"
"Then will it always be this way? Will I always live two lives, never getting any real rest because I'm always moving? Will I always be part wizard, part werewolf, part normal boy who seems to be going insane?"
The doctor shakes his head, looking grim once more.
"You already get the two worlds confused, do you not Remus? You get events and people and general things mixed up and forget what world they belong in?"
I nod, signaling that he is correct.
"And what of the pain? Do you ever get flashes of intense pain whenever you deny the existence of one world?"
"How do you know," I ask, astounded.
"Just taking a few guesses," Dr. Richmond says, a sad smile on his face.
"What does this all mean," I ask, looking towards my mother, who was stirring from her unconscious state on the floor.
Dr. Richmond sighs deeply, his breath escaping his mouth in a sad, tired sort of sound.
"It means, my boy, that you will have to choose one of these two worlds to make your true home before you drive yourself mad, and no longer exist in either world."
My mother stands swiftly, a fire in her eyes that you only see when her temper is at its fullest. "This is all nonsense," she snarls, her lips curling into an ugly sneer. " Complete and utter nonsense, and you are doing nothing but leading my little boy into more insanity then he already is in with your theories and explanations and general craziness."
"Your son is not insane," Dr. Richmond states calmly.
My mother hisses at the elderly doctor. "Oh yes he is. No fifteen year old has imaginary friends, and I am going to find a doctor that can get rid of them."
"They're not imaginary," I scream, standing up as well. "Sirius and James and Peter, they're not imaginary, and you can't keep telling me that they are. I know that they're not, and I love them, so stop telling me that they don't exist and that I must get rid of them."
I suddenly clutch my head, whimpering softly as a fierce pain incases my skull. It feels as if my head is about to explode.
"Calm down Remus," Dr. Richmond soothes, leading me over to the cot in the corner of the room. He had me lay down, and places a cool cloth on my head, I sigh as the pain begins to evaporate instantly. I watch silently as the doctor turns to glare at my mother.
"I will not have you upsetting this boy," he hisses through clenched teeth.
"He is my son, and you are feeding him a load of nonsense!"
Dr. Richmond grasps my mother's arm in his broad hand, leading her to the other end of the room. I can still hear them though, and I do not know if it was because they are speaking loudly, or because my "werewolf senses," as Sirius and James tended to call them, are coming forth into this world now as well.
"This is all ridiculous," I hear my mother say, sounding more furious then I have ever heard her. "You must stop feeding Remus this load of nonsense. I know none of it is true. Just tell him that he's been having odd dreams, and that he must continue to tell himself that none of it is truly real."
"But it's not all a dream," Dr. Richmond growls, sounding equally furious. "This other world of his really does exist, and I will not subject him to more pain by telling him to deny that worlds existence."
"But this is where he belongs," my mother screeches, voice near hysterics.
Dr. Richmond shakes his head. "Where he belongs is for no one but Remus to decide, and he must decide soon."
"So how long do I have to choose," I ask, surprising the two adults.
Dr. Richmond sighs heavily. "From the pain you have been suffering, and the periods of confusion, I'd say no more than a few weeks, but I can't be for sure."
"And what happens if I do not choose in time?"
"I don't know."
"What happens to the world that I leave behind when I choose one and not the other?"
Dr. Richmond shakes his head once more. "I don't know Remus, I really don't."
"And there's no way I can continue to have both," I ask, suddenly feeling selfish. I already knew the answer though, and also knew that I did not want to continue to live through the grief of having two lives. It was all very difficult to live through.
Dr. Richmond smiled gently, placing his hand on my thin shoulder. Even in this world I was thin, which led me to believe it was not the lycanthropy affecting my weight, merely something in my genes.
"It's your choice Remus, and you can choose whatever life makes you the happiest. It's not up to me or your mother or anyone else. Only you, and there is no wrong choice."
"Don't tell him that," my mother shrieks, looking livid once more. He continues to ignore her.
"I want to try something Remus," he says, looking me in the eye.
I nod, letting him know that he had my full attention. I am curious and willing to do everything and anything that he had in mind.
"I want you to close your eyes, and will yourself into this other world of yours. Do you understand?"
I nod once more.
"Ok, then go ahead and give it a try, and if it works, you can ask this healer of yours' to answer all those questions that I could not, ok?"
I nod once more, closing my eyes. The last thing I hear is my mother screaming a string of profanities at Dr. Richmond, before everything event black for just a moment, and I feel as if I am being jolted out of my body.
"Hey Rem, you still awake?" Sirius asks softly, peeking in through the gap of my bed curtains to look at me.
I sit up slowly and smile up at him, reaching up to run my fingers softly over his smooth cheek.
He takes this as an invitation, settling in beside me and snuggling up to my side, turning his head to kiss the side of my neck. I sigh contently.
This is one of the reasons I have always thought this world is nothing but some wonderful dream. It all seems too good to be true. Sure, I am a werewolf in this world, as well as an orphan, but I have friends that accept me, professors that I know care for me, and a boyfriend that will do anything for me, including becoming an animagus for me to keep my wounds during the full moon at a minimum.
I sigh once more, turning my head to allow my lips to trail across Sirius' cheek, before allowing our lips to meet briefly in a gentle, soothing kiss. "I love you," I whisper, and I can feel his smile against my own lips, before he kisses me again and tells me that he loves me too.
"So Moony," Sirius whisper, breath ghosting over my cheek as wraps his arms around my waist. "How come you're still up? It's a school night. You're usually passed out like a light weight drunk by now"
I snort quietly, amused by the comparison, before I shrug. Had I really been up before I willed myself into this world, this other reality of mine, or had I been gone, soulless, until I fell asleep in that other place that I call home, and life, and hardship? I really don't know how all this works, and that frightens me. What will happen to those people that I don't choose, that I leave behind? Will they still go on existing?
This is all too much for me to handle. I am only fifteen.
"Moony," Sirius whispers, nudging me softly.
I turn to face him, burying my face in his neck."I have to go talk to Madam Pomfrey," I told him.
"Now," he asks, confused.
I shake my head. "Tomorrow."
He pulls me away from him, looking concerned. "Are you ok? I know that the last full moon was sorta rough on you, but me, Prongs, and Wormtail were all there, so it was a little better than it usually was, wasn't it? I mean, it's been close to a week since then, so you're not still hurting, are you? Did your wounds open up again? Are you ok? Are…"
I put my hand over my boyfriend's mouth, silencing him instantly. "Sirius, really, I'm fine, ok? I just, there's something important I have to talk to her about, and if I don't do it soon, it'll keep bothering me. It's really important, and I need answers, or nothing is going to be ok."
Sirius looks even more concerned than he had when he had believed I was injured. "What is it Remy? Is there anything I can do to help?" You know I don't like for you to worry."
I smile gently, pushing his hair out of his eyes. It was so strange. Sirius was always so distant with people, always hiding behind jokes and pranks and childish behavior, even with James. He never showed concern for anyone, and in serious moments, he always made a joke to break the tension and to make people forget what they were worried about. He did that to everyone, everyone but me. When I pointed this out to him once, and asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to make sure I was ok, to work through any problem I had, rather than just push it into the backs of our minds. He didn't want them to come back later and bite us in the arse. His words, not mine.
He was so different with me, so much more gentle and caring, and yet, somehow, he still managed to hold onto all those traits and characteristics that made him Sirius, and I loved him all the more for it.
He had the ability to make me laugh, but he also had the patience and gentleness to hold me while I cried.
He made me so mad, so frustrated sometimes, but he made me forgive him quickly, and always knew the best way to bring out my smile.
How could I give that up? How could I give any of this up? My friends, my schooling, my love… I was happy here. I was so happy, and yet, in that other world, the world where magic only existed in fairy tales, and those who believed in it were categorized as crazy… there were people there that needed me, that depended on me. How could I leave them, not matter how unhappy I felt at times?
How was I supposed to decide?
Their happiness for mine, mine for theirs.
Why couldn't everyone just be happy? Why did I have to come to exist in two worlds, both so different, when I could only remain in one?
I've been told that life wasn't fair, but never before this have I had such evidence to prove it.
I want to be happy, but not at the expense of anyone else's happiness.
Sirius trails his long, slim fingers down my cheek, catching a tear that has escaped from my tightly clenched eyes. His lips followed the tears path, before he nuzzles his nose against my jaw.
"Tell me how to help you, Remy. I hate seeing you so sad."
I burrow myself against his chest, embarrassed by the weakness my tears displayed. I whimper softly, rubbing my wet cheek against the bare skin right above his heart. He always slept shirtless."Just hold me," I whisper, nuzzling his soft, warm skin. "Just hold me until morning, then come with me to speak with Madam Pomfrey."
I felt Sirius nod slowly, before his arms tightened around my thin frame.
God, I loved him so much. It wasn't fair to have to face the possibility of having to leave him.
"So, what is it that you want to speak to me about, Mr. Lupin," Madam Pomfrey asks, not even bothering to turn to face me as I entered the hospital wing.
"Can we speak in private," I ask, rather meekly. "This is really important."
She turns to look at me at this point, looking concerned, before motioning for me and Sirius to follow her into her office.
I worry my bottom lip. I'm not too sure if Sirius should be here as I explain all of this.
Madam Pomfrey turns to face my boyfriend, as if reading my mind. "Why don't you go wait outside my office while I talk to Mr. Lupin here? he'll come to you as soon as we finish."
Sirius wraps his arms around my waist and shakes his head, reminding me how stubborn he can be.
She sighs heavily. "Ok then. Come on in."
We sit at the two chairs that are facing her desk, and Sirius grabs my hand, stroking his thumb over the scarred skin of the back of it.
"So what is it that you have to say to me, Mr. Lupin?"
I take a deep breath before I begin my story.
By the time I am finished, Sirius and Madam Pomfrey can do nothing but stare at me in shock. I feel Sirius' hand tighten around my own almost painfully, before he releases me suddenly and stands, storming out of the room.
I stand to follow him, but Madam Pomfrey holds me back, smiling gently.
"Leave him for a moment Remus. It's a lot to take in. To find out that you may lose the one that you cherish most… just give him some time."
I nod slowly, looking down at my feet. I don't know what to do anymore. Sirius was running from me, I have so many decisions to make… it's all too much. I sit down heavily in the seat I just vacated seconds before, and look at Madam Pomfrey, pleading for her to help me in some way, anyway.
She sighs. "I can't make these decisions for you Remus. You have to choose which life you want to spend the rest of your life in on your own."
I nod sadly.
"What happens if I don't choose in time," I ask, finally gaining the courage to ask her the questions Dr. Richmond had no answers to.
The smile she sends me this time can only be described as sad. "I believe you'll stop existing in both worlds, and the process of your non-existence will be very painful."
I feel myself pale at this. "How long do I have, exactly?"
"Two to four weeks."
"And what will happen to the world and people I don't choose?"
"I believe they will continue to exist, just without you. It'll be almost as if you were dead, I suppose."
I nod again.
"Remus," Madam Pomfrey says softly, looking at me quite seriously now.
I nod to let her know that I'm listening.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but if you make your choice, and decide it is that other life of yours that you want, I am going to make certain that no one here will remember you ever existed."
"I'll have Headmaster Dumbledore obliviate every single person whom has ever come into contact with you."
"But… but why? I don't understand, Madam."
"Remus, these people care about you deeply. Your friends, your professors, Mr. Black especially. If you decide that you're willing to give them up for whatever awaits you in that other life of yours, I'll make sure they don't remember you. I'll make sure that they do not have to live with the fact that you chose something else over them. I won't have them living with the pain of having loved you and lost you like this."
"But…" I whisper miserably, tears shining in my eyes.
"It's your decision Remus, but I'll spare them all the pain I possibly can."
I sniffle softly. "I love them too Madam. I really do. And Sirius… I'd never want to give him up. He means everything to me."
"So you already know what your choice is?"
I shake my head. "It's not that easy, Madam. In that other life… there are people…they are my family. My mother, my father, my little sister… I can't just abandon them. They need me."
"Sirius needs you too Remus. Just think about that before you decide."
I nod and leave her office.
"Have you guys seen Sirius?" I ask James and Peter when I come across the two boys in the Great Hall.
James looks up from his breakfast, concentrating for a moment. "I think I saw him run outside, towards the Black Lake."
I go to leave the Great Hall, but James stops me by placing a hand on my arm. "He looked upset Moony. What was wrong? Did you guys have a fight or something?"
I shake my head quickly. "Not exactly."
"Then what was it?"
"It's a long story Prongs. I'll explain later, ok? I gotta find Padfoot now."
The messy haired teen nods slowly, turning back to his food.
I run out of the Great Hall and exit the castle quickly.
I see him almost immediately, sitting at the edge of the lake, throwing rocks into the lake with such force that water launches about a foot into the air. (I'm slightly surprised that none of the creatures that inhabit the waters have jumped out and attacked him yet.) He looks so miserable, with his hunched shoulders and rigid back. I walk up to him slowly."Sirius…"
"You're not gonna pick us, are you Moony?"
"You're gonna pick that other life of yours, and leave us all behind, and I'm gonna miss you so much. It's not fair Moony, it's not. You shouldn't have made me fall in love with you if you were just gonna up in leave me."
"I didn't…" I begin, ready to tell him that I didn't know this would happen, that I haven't even decided yet, but stop as he turns to face me. The words are suddenly stuck in my throat, and the only noise that comes out is something between a gasp and a squeak. There are two reasons why I suddenly can't speak.
One, because Sirius has never told me that he loves me before.
And two, because, as he turns to face me, I can see that he is crying, streams of silvery tears leaving wet trails on his pale cheek, slowly rolling down his chin and neck, before slowly fading into the fabric of his t shirt.
"Don't leave me Moony. Please don't leave me. I love you so much. I just… I don't think I can live without you."
"You won't remember me," I whisper.
Sirius glares at me, giving me a look that makes me shudder. He's never looked at me like that before, so darkly, so coldly. I feel a tremor of fear course through my spine, right before he pushes me into a tree that was rooted at the edge of the lake.
"Of course I'll bloody remember you, you great, bloody, fucking poof. How can you say that I won't, with the way I feel about you? You mean the world to me, you prat, and you think I'll just forget you, like yesterdays bloody garbage? If that's what you think, then you're out of you bloody, fucking, buggering mind, you wanker."
I couldn't help but smile slightly. Not because the situation was at all funny, but because it was just so typically Sirius, exploding into a stream of foul words whenever he was truly upset. I reached over, placing my hand over his still raging mouth, and smiled at him softly. "I love you too Sirius."
He calmed instantly, mouth closing, body relaxing degree by achingly small degree, before he falls limp against me, hugging my waist tightly as he buries his face into my neck. "Then don't leave me. Please Remus. I don't mean to be selfish, but I love you so much, and… and… I just don't want to lose you Moony."
I sigh almost silently, stroking my boyfriend's hair softly, pressing a tender to his forehead. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Sirius. I mean, I just don't know. But whatever I do, whatever choice I make, you'll be fine. You'll always be fine."
Sirius shakes his head fiercely. "No! No Remus. I won't. I won't be fine. Not without you. You're what keeps me sane, you great big prat."
I laugh softly. "I wasn't aware that you were sane, you bloody poof."
I feel Sirius' shoulders shake softly before he snorted. "I hate you, you fucken idiot. You can't make me laugh while I'm mad at you and trying to tell you that I can't live without you. "
"Sure you can. I'm not all that great you know. With me out of the picture, you can find someone amazing and beautiful, and perhaps even kinky, someone who doesn't object to your pranks."
Sirius growls harshly. "I don't want anyone but you, you faggot."
"Oh, don't say that Padfoot. Who knows, with me gone, you may have a shot with Severus."
Sirius falls against me once more, giggling like mad. "Oh, that's disgusting," he says through his giggles.
I just smile and kiss his head again.
The next two weeks pass quickly, and I spend it constantly thinking of the options I have, no matter what world I am in at the time.
I see Dr. Richmond almost every day when I am in that world, and he seems shocked that I have not yet reached a decision, and yet, he seems to understand at the same time.
I enjoyed my time with him immensely. I could talk to him without him freaking out over the things I had to say, and he made no attempts to push me one way or another towards my decision, the way my mother and Sirius seemed to do.
I'm not placing blame on Sirius here. I know how much he loves me, and how much the thought of me leaving pains him. Everyone he has ever loved, or thought he should love, has abandoned him in some way. My leaving him would just add to that already long list of people that weren't worthy of him, but I know that if I decide, and it's that other world, the world with my family and no magic or friends, that I choose, I know he won't remember.
I take some comfort in that, in the knowledge that he'll never pine away for me, or live with the pain of me being gone, but it also hurts unbearably to know that he will forget all about me, that he'll have no memory of me and the love we share.
And from what I've been told, I'll be unable to forget about him.
Is this how I will live my life if I choose my family over my friends and my own happiness? Will I go through life, day after day, constantly longing for my magic and my friends and most of all, for Sirius, and the life we could have had together? Will I never be able to move on, to forget about what I gave up and what I lost?
Is keeping my family happy really worth the sacrifice it would take?
I'm not sure if I'm willing to give Sirius up.
It would be so much easier if I was able to forget about him once I made my choice. So much easier if I did not have to think about him every day, how beautiful he is, how caring and funny and just… Sirius…
But from what Madam Pomfrey told me when I asked her if my memory could be erased if it was not her world I chose, when I asked if she could have Dumbledore obliviate me as she plans on having everyone else obliviated if it is not my friends I chose, she said she did not think it was possible, that I'd go to my other world remembering that event just as I remember every other event.
That should make my decision simpler, easier, and in a way, it does. I know that it is the magical world that I truly want. It is James and Peter and Sirius that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And yet, even as I know this in my heart, I cannot get rid of the guilt that bubbles up inside me every time I think of leaving my family.
Ever since I told Sirius all of this, ever since our fight, he has hardly left my side at all, clinging to me almost desperately, as if I'd disappear, which we both know I just might. The only time he wasn't with me was when he was in detention, as he is now, and when I was in my other world, and I know now that while I am awake in that world, I am actually asleep in the wizardry world, with Sirius wrapped around me. If I was to make my decision while I was in that other world, while Sirius slept soundly in his, would I merely fade from his arms, for him never to see me again?
I don't want to put him through that.
I know that James and Peter are both confused over what is going on, but I don't have the heart to tell them all this, only to get into another argument about how it is here that I belong, with them.
I am already aware of that.
They call themselves my family, and they are, in this world at least. But, Mom, Dad, Mary (my little sister), they all need me. They're depending on me to get through high school and help provide for them.
"Mr. Lupin," I hear a voice say behind me, and turn to see Headmaster Dumbledore standing behind the chair I am sitting in at a far corner of the library.
"Headmaster," I say, going to stand quickly, out of respect. He places a firm hand on my shoulder, however, and takes a seat next to me. He smiles gently, but the usual twinkle in his eyes is not evident now.
"So, Mr. Lupin, I have heard of your predicament."
I look down at the books that litter the desk, unable to meet his eyes.
"Mr. Lupin," the headmaster says gently, touching my shoulder again. I look up.
"None of this is your fault."
"Then whose fault is it," I ask, feeling miserable.
"No ones, Mr. Lupin. You've been given a most remarkable opportunity. Not many people get the chance to choose the life they want, you know."
"I don't want the choice, Headmaster. Whatever choice I make, someone is going to get hurt, and I can't live with that."
"Awww, I see." Dumbledore says, sighing deeply.
"What do you see?" I ask, politeness forgotten in this moment of self pity.
"Remus…" Dumbledore pauses for a moment, searching for the right words to use. He looks at me silently, searching for something, before he nods silently.
"What," I question.
"Remus, you do know that it isn't selfish to want to be happy, right? That choosing your happiness over someone else's isn't something you should be ashamed of doing or attempt to prevent?"
I shake my head quickly. "It's not fair of me to choose my own happiness over my family's. At least, if I choose to leave here, to never see all of you again, you can make everyone forget."
"Awww, Mr. Lupin, do you think that is truly fair?"
"Excuse me sir?" I was really confused.
"Mr. Lupin, you want me to take memories from your friends' minds and completely erase them. You want me to erase every piece of evidence that says you have ever existed and simply get rid of them. Is that fair?"
"But Madam Pomfrey said…"
"Yes, Mr. Lupin, I am aware of what Poppy said, and in many ways, I agree with her. Your friends, Mr. Black especially, love you dearly, and it will pain them terribly to live with your loss."
"Then isn't erasing me from their memory the best thing to do?"
Dumbledore looks at me grimly, a hint of disappointment shinning in his eyes, right above his half moon spectacles. "The best thing to do, Mr. Lupin, is not always the right thing. I would think that you of all people were aware of that."
"Mr. Lupin, would it really be fair to Mr. Black to simply erase his memories of you when he has loved you so? Will it be fair of you to have the happiest, purest times in his life disappear from his memory, simply because you choose that a life with him is not what you want?"
"But it is what I want!" I find myself shouting, standing up from my seat. I feel my face flushing with anger, and tears burning at the back of my eyes. It is what I wanted.
Headmaster Dumbledore smiles, the twinkle back in his eyes at full force, before he stands up and pats my shoulder, looking proud.
"If it's truly what you want, Mr. Lupin, don't let it go. I've heard that you're one of the smartest, most hard working boys in your year. You'll figure it out. Just don't let go of what you truly desire, because you may not get a chance to get it back."
"So you won't obliviate them if it is not this world I choose?"
"No, Mr. Lupin. I will not. I will not have them lose you and then not even have the privilege of remembering their time with you. It is not fair to have that taken away from them. They deserve their memories, at the very least. "
I sigh softly. "Ok sir. I just think…"
"I know what you think, Mr. Lupin. You are under the belief that Sirius, James, Peter, and everyone else that has ever been in contact with you will be happier once you are gone if they do not remember that you were even here in the first place. You think their lives will be easier, that they will be more capable of moving on, if they did not have to live with the grief of knowing that you did not want them."
"That's not it…"
"But that is what they will think, Mr. Lupin. Is it not selfish of you to make them forget you, when they love you the way they do, when they've done so much for you?"
I look down, ashamed, and Headmaster Dumbledore's hand grasps my shoulder once more, oddly comforting. "They love you, Remus. They'll love you no matter what you decide. Their love for you, especially Mr. Black's, is a large part of who they are, of who they will one day be. I will not take that from them. Not when it is such a good thing. I have already told Madam Pomfrey this, and she understands, as well as agrees with me. The choice is yours Remus, but make the decision for yourself, not for anyone else."
"But..." I try to interrupt him, try to explain. I don't think I've ever made a decision without first thinking of everyone else involved, and then deciding what would be best for everyone but myself. I've always thought of others before myself.
But then I think of my relationship with Sirius. I think of my love for him, and my desire to be with him that seems to consume me entirely at times. I think of what it's like to be with him, and what it was like when I was pining for him, and I realize that, when I had decided I wanted him, when I kissed him and told him that I loved him, and when I decided I was going to have him, I didn't think of anyone else. I didn't think about what others would think, or how they'd react, or how it would have affected them. When I finally told Sirius how I felt for him, I wasn't thinking of anyone. No one but myself, and him, and how happy we could be together, how great it would feel if we were finally together.
Dumbledore smiles at me, as if he can read my mind. "Make the decision for yourself Remus. If it's this world you want, or if it is that other one, it is your choice. Don't think about anyone but yourself while you attempt to decide. We will love you either way, but Remus, you have to choose the life that you love."
I nod, and the Headmaster squeezes my shoulder once more, still smiling. "We don't always get the chance to be happy, Remus. Take your chance while you still have the time."
"Hello Remus," Dr. Richmond says, and I smile up at him softly, though my eyes are sad.
"You've made your decision," he says, and the way that he says it makes me know that he is not asking. He knows that I have finally made up my mind.
He ushers me into a seat by his desk, taking a seat next to me rather than behind the large piece of oak, as he usually would, and he simply looks at me for a moment, waiting for me to speak.
I take a deep breath.
"I just can't," I finally say, looking at the ground. From the corner of my eye, I can see Dr. Richmond's expression, and I know that he is confused.
"You can't what?"
I try to smile as I look up, but it crumbles almost instantly. "I can't give up my own happiness."
Dr. Richmond smiles in relief. "So you're going back to your other world, are you? That's the world you want to stay in?"
"How did you know," I ask, smiling for real this time.
He laughs. "I've seen the way that you've spoken of that other world of yours, Remus, and I've rarely seen such happiness in one person. You deserve it, and I'm glad you were not enough of a fool to give that up."
The smile on my face seems to grow in size, letting me know that the decision I've made was the right one.
"I just have to talk to my mother," I whisper, suddenly afraid.
Dr. Richmond nods solemnly. "Good luck, Remus, and good bye. It was nice having known you."
I nod, suddenly understanding why Dumbledore refused to erase my friends' memories. It was worth the pain, so long as you had all these good memories. Even while it was painful to leave people behind, the memories you kept with you, in you, would always be strangely comforting. No matter what I had to give up, I would always have my memories. "It was nice having known you too, sir."
We embrace, and I exit his office for the last time.
"So, have you made your choice," my mother asks, as soon as I enter the room. She was bustling around the kitchen, not even bothering to face me, and the tone of voice she uses to question me can only be described as rude.
I sit down at the kitchen table quietly, merely watching my mother's movements, before finally speaking. "Yes."
"Oh, so are you going to tell me what it is?" she still hasn't looked at me, instead choosing to stir whatever it was that she had in the pot of hers.
"Mom," I whisper.
She finally turns to face me.
"Can you sit for a minute, please? You haven't looked at me in over three weeks, and you've hardly said a word to me since we first went to see Dr. Richmond."
"That doctor is full of nonsense. You shouldn't believe a word he says, Remus."
I shake my head softly. "He knows what he's talking about Mom. Please, sit down and listen to me. This is important."
My mother shakes her head and turns back to the stove. "Not right now Remus. I'm busy. We can talk later, after dinner maybe, or tomorrow, or even next week. We have all the time in the world, after all."
I shake my head again, even though she can't see me. "No, Mom. That's what I've been trying to tell you. We don't have all the time in the world. We don't even have till tomorrow, much less till next week. We have till right now, so will you please, please come sit and listen to me, before we lose what little time we do have?"
She turns to face me once more, her face looking so much more drawn than it had three weeks before this. I felt a stab of guilt go through me for putting her through all this.
"So you really have made your decision, haven't you," she asks, though it doesn't sound like a question. It sounds more like an accusation, and I flinch, feeling my guilt grow, but I pushed it aside. I wasn't going to go back on my decision.
"I'm sorry Mama. I'd never be truly happy here. I don't want to leave you, or Dad, or Mary, but I have to go where I'm truly happy."
"So you're just gonna abandon us, your family, for a bunch of people that don't even really exist?"
"They do exist Mama. They do! They exist, and I love them so much Mama. Please don't ask me to just give them up."
"But you're willing to give us up," my mother says hotly, turning her face away from me and pouting slightly, looking to all the world like a spoiled child who isn't getting her way.
"No Mama. No, I'm not willing, but I don't have a choice. I didn't want to be put in a situation like this. I didn't want to have to choose between people I love. I didn't want this Mama, but I have no choice, and I have to choose. Mama, I love you, and I love Dad, and I love Mary. I love you so much, but I'm not happy here. I have no friends here. I don't have a life here Mama."
"And what's so great about that other life of yours," she asks me, still refusing to look at me. Her voice sounded less harsh now though, more willing to understand.
"It's magic Mom. It's just… it's so incredible. There's magic, and creatures you've never even heard of, and there's flying on brooms, and transfiguring something into something else entirely different and… there's just so much Mom, so much I can't explain. It's just so wonderful there, and I'm happy. I have friends, and even though I may be an orphan there, I'm still happy because the people that are in my life truly love me," my smile seems to split across my face as I talk, and my mother turns to face me, an expression full of wonder on her face.
"Oh Remus, we really have lost you, haven't we?"
"I'm not crazy," I say, suddenly very angry. "I'm not crazy, or insane, or losing my mind, Mom. I'm not."
My mother shakes her head, but stops me before I can speak again. "I think you've misunderstood me, sweetheart. When I said we've lost you… you really have decided, haven't you?"
I nod, unable to speak as I see the tears shining in my mother's eye, so much like my own light brown ones.
She smiles sadly. "What finally led you to decide?"
"My Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, told me to choose what made me happiest, and to stop thinking about everyone else."
My mother nods. "He sounds like he is a very wise man."
"The wisest there is," I say.
"And what makes you happiest?" my mother questions, though not rudely.
A soft smile spreads across my face. "Sirius. Sirius is what makes me the happiest. I really love him Mom."
My mom nods, though she didn't question it further, and I'm kinda surprised she didn't freak about me being gay, as I thought that she might. I know that she knows that Sirius is a male.
"So are you leaving right now," my mother asks, breaking the silence that had fallen around us.
I nod, standing from my seat in the table. "I think it's for the best. I don't want to push my luck and make this physically painful."
Mom smiles sadly at me. "Yes, I don't want this to be painful for you either. Come, I've already explained this as best as I could to your father and your sister. Come and say good bye to them."
I nod again, my throat suddenly too tight to speak.
As me and my mom enter the living room, my father stands from his seat in front of the TV, looking at me sadly. "So you've decided," he asks, as my sister comes to stand beside me, tears trailing down her soft cheeks.
I nod, trying to speak, but my father, Dad, pulls me into his arms, silencing me instantly, and in that moment, all we can do is cry against each other softly. "I love you Remus. Be safe, and be happy. Live a life that would make us proud."
We let go of each other, and I turn to face my little sister. She's only eight, I think to myself. I won't be here to protect her from all those boys that will be coming to our door, her door, no longer mine, in a couple of years.
She hugs me tightly, arms squeezing my waist, and we hold onto each other for a moment, trying to soak this last embrace into the very pores of our skin. "I love you, big brother. I really do. And I'll miss you."
I squeeze Mary, holding her against me, before spinning her around in the air, the way she use to always love me doing to her, before she became too cool to play with her big brother.
"I love you too, brat," I say, before kissing her forehead softly, then letting go.
Finally, I turn to face my mom. "So how exactly is this done," she asks, sniffling softly.
"Madam Pomfrey says all I have to do is close my eyes, and right before I drift off to sleep, I have to say that the world I'm going into is the one I want to make my own. She says that she believes I will just disappear from this world."
My mom nods, rushing to embrace me, before she pulls away, wiping at her eyes. "Well, do it now, Rem. Do it now, before the chance of it becoming painful gets higher."
I turn away, my tears coming faster now, and I begin to head to my room, right down the hall, but a hand on my wrist stops me, and I turn to see my mother, my whole family, crying as well. I have no reason to be ashamed of my tears. "Be happy Rem. Be happy."
I nod once more, the last time I would ever nod at these people, my mother, my father, my sister, before I turned and walked to my room, laying on my bed and closing my eyes.
When I open my eyes again, I am lying on my bed, in the fifth year boy's dormitory, with Sirius wrapped around me, holding me tightly to his chest. I poke him softly, a smile spreading across my face. I know I have made the right choice.
"Rem," he asks groggily, slowly opening his sleep clouded grey eyes. He looks at me questioningly for a moment, before he sees me smiling, and he smiles as well. "It's been forever since I've seen you smile," he whispers, kissing me softly. I pull him closer, my hands tangling into his long, dark hair, and we kiss passionately for a moment, until we are forced to break away due to lack of oxygen.
"So are you staying," he questions, looking at me pleadingly.
I nod, reaching forth to kiss him again, but he stops me. "And this is what you want Rem? You're not doing it for anyone else but yourself?"
I shake my head. "No one else, Siri. Here, with you, is where I'm happy. I'm staying."
He laughs his joyous, bark like laugh, before pulling me closer and kissing me again.
"You chose us," He says happily, kissing me over and over again. "You chose me."
I laugh with him, kissing him back each time. "I never really had a choice, you mangy mutt. As if I could leave you. Just think of the trouble you'd get into without me here, nagging at you to behave."
We both laugh again, truly happy, before the only sound that fills the dormitory are teenage snores, along with mine and Sirius' kisses.
Yes, here, with him, is where I am happiest. I couldn't give that up for anything.
A/N: So guys, I hope you enjoyed my little story here. I know it's much different from what I usually write.
Drop me a review, because even after many people telling me I shouldn't be, I'm very, very self conscious, and without encouragement, I lose the motivation to write. You guys want to see more fan fiction and what not from me, don't you? (Pout cutely here while also looking meaningfully at all those people who read Just a Misunderstanding, but didn't bother to review.)
Till next time, and please review! Lol :D
If there's any mistakes, let me know. I'll fix them quickly.