Hello everybody! It's me! BMH here with the first Pokemon fanfic I haven't written in a long time!
This story focuses on the everyday lifestyle of all of our favorite legendaries. I wrote this as a response to the severe lack of humorous stories concerning legendaries. So staple your sides and hold on to your ass, because here we go!
Note: there will be hints here and there between two pokemon. Although they may be obvious and discrete, nobody will pair up when this fic is over.i will, however, try to give everyone a piece. Emphasis on 'try'.
Not so Legendary.
It was a cold day in Hoenn, if you could get by the fact that he sat there miles from touching the stratosphere. Cold days are all to be expected when one lives atop of Sky Pillar. Not to mention lonely. Yes, it was a cold and lonely day. And windy too. Cold, lonely, and windy. A normal person would kill themselves if they were forced to live a secluded life like this. But as a legendary, he had no choice but to live in total isolation. If he lived anywhere else, he'd risk being seen or worse, caught. Such is the life of Rayquaza who lived on top of Sky Pillar, where the days were cold, the nights were colder, and the constant buzz of wind against his ears kept him from trying meditation. Such a lonely life it was. You can't help but feel sorry for him.
Well, he wasn't bored, at least.
"Oh Rayquaza, how can we ever love?" Rayquaza said, raising his pitch to sound more feminine and petit.
"Do not worry, my love, the world will understand one day," Rayquaza said again, lowering his pitch to sound more masculine.
"But how? We are of two different worlds, and everyone has been brainwashed by my evil twin brother," Rayquaza said, raising his pitch again.
Rayquaza switched between high and low pitch as he shifted the toys he was holding to imitate dialogue.
"Then I have no choice but to go and defeat him."
"But he is very strong, my love. He has an army of highly trained Wailords."
"I will do whatever it takes for the sake of our relationship, my sweet Latias."
From his side, he brought in a miniature Wailord toy. Putting aside the Latias toy, he picked up the Rayquaza toy and made it 'fly' around the Wailord toy, imitating airplane noises as he did.
"Dragon pulse!" he yelled as he made a screechy noise.
"Ice Beam!" he yelled again, making a buzzing sound to imitate the attack.
He continued to do this for a while, looking silly as he did. He mimicked explosions, earthquakes, and lasers, all while unaware of his uninvited guest behind him.
"What are you doing?" the star child said abruptly.
"GAAH!" Rayquaza screamed as he turned around to come face to face with his guest.
The emerald dragon held the two toys tightly in his hands close to his chest, receiving a disturbed stare from the wish maker.
"Um, Jirachi… hi." He said uneasily, "…this isn't what it looks like."
"You are playing with dolls," he said, "I don't know what else it could look like."
"Whatever," he said angrily as he set down his toys, "Just what are you doing here? And for your information, they're action figures, not dolls."
"Riiight," he replied uncaringly.
"No really, they aren't dolls at all," he said defensively, Jirachi's face unchanged, "Look."
Picking up the Rayquaza toy, he pressed a little button on its back. From the toys mouth, a projectile molded to look like a spear of fire was launched.
"Yeah, that's really-"
Jirachi didn't finish his sentence as said projectile wounded up landing in his right eye.
"OW! MY FREAKIN' EYE!" Jirachi yelled out loud.
"Holy crap!" Rayquaza replied, shocked at his terribly good accuracy, "I'm sorry, let me-"
"No! Don't!" Jirachi said, holding out his hand to keep Rayquaza away as he tried to pry the projectile free from his eye, "Your claws are too sharp and you might gouge them out."
Rayquaza looked at his claws and noticed how sharp they were, opening and closing them subconsciously. Jirachi removed the projectile from his eye with his left hand and rubbed his eye with his right one. As a tear ran down his cheek, he looked at Rayquaza twiddling his fingers as the star child held onto the toy bullet. Rayquaza only chuckled modestly.
"Uh, heheh, sorry."
"Whatever," he said, dropping the toy bullet to the ground, "Arceus is calling for a meeting and he asked me to get you."
"Oh. Is it important?" he said, reaching towards the toy bullet and reloaded the toy.
"All he said was something about an improvement," Jirachi said as he levitated off the grounds of Sky Pillar.
"Huh, I wonder who is getting improved," Rayquaza thought out loud, lifting his body off the ground and sailing into the sky.
"Hope it turns out better than the last meeting did," Jirachi said to himself as he also headed in Rayquazas direction, shuddering at the memory.
He opened the door that led to the normally bright main hall. It was dark, darker than pitch black. So dark that not even his decent night-vision could make out who was in the room. All he knew was that there were people in the room. A lot of people. Only the light from the room behind him granted a trickle of light, which was overtaken by his own shadow. He gulped loudly as he stepped into the room, not knowing what awaited him.
The whole day, everyone had been acting weird. Well, weirder than usual. Nobody would tell him anything and many desperately avoided him. He was clueless as to their true intentions for keeping secrets from him, even though he was very good at connecting dots. The day was nearly over and he couldn't find anyone. He had searched everywhere he could think of, including the Heavenly Mansion, where Arceus lived. The entire building had been empty; not even the Alpha pokemon could be found. After hours of searching and wild mass guessing, he came to an ugly conclusion. And for someone like Darkrai, it was too drastic and unlawful.
He noticed Deoxys zooming towards the Heavenly Mansion in a hurry. Darkrai had called out to him, but when Deoxys noticed him, he only zoomed faster. Angry, Darkrai gave chase as they escalated Mt. Coronet. Darkrai was fast, yes, but Deoxys was faster. The pursuit ended in the main hall, where Darkrai was now.
Breathing deeply, he knew he faced certain death.
"I KNOW OF YOUR PLANS TO ASSASSINATE ME! I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR CLEVER SCHEME! BUT DON'T THINK FOR A SECOND THAT I'LL GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!"
And then, the lights turned on.
Darkrai had his hands held out, each one holding a dark orb ready to fire. In the room was every legendary, from Articuno to Arceus. Off to the left was a table littered with food and drinks. To the right sat a mountain of presents, each one distinctively wrapped in unique wrapping and knots. The ceiling was littered with bright streamers and balloons. Above the doorway to the next room was a banner that spelt out 'Happy Birthday Darkrai' with the last letter blocked by Rayquaza's head. Everyone was wearing a party hat, although Heatran's and Moltres' were set aflame, some were holding party poppers and Raikou held a blowout in his mouth.
Darkrai stood there, dumbfounded, as they stared at his awkward pose, made much more awkward by his highly misdirected conclusion and speech. Looking at the scenery before him, he remembered what today was.
"Oh…right…" he said as the dark orbs in his hands disappeared, "Today was…"
"Your birthday, moron," Cresselia finished, as Raikou tooted his blowout.
The two had sailed in the sky a long way from Sky Pillar. Hoenn sank under the horizon and Sinnoh came closer into view. The two decided to make small talk to pass the time.
"Any ideas on what this 'improvement' will be?" Rayquaza asked.
"Not a clue," Jirachi replied, "But if I had to guess, it may be increasing Kyogre's size a bit."
Rayquaza looked at Jirachi with a raised brow, despite that brow being absent.
"That's the best guess you've got?" he asked.
"Well, I don't see you making any," Jirachi shot back.
"I don't have any, but I doubt there'd be a whole meeting just to increase Kyogre's size. Arceus isn't like that."
"Well, he rarely holds them, so we don't have much to go on."
"What I do know, is that it may have to do with Groudon and Kyogre."
"What makes you say that?" Jirachi asked.
"Well, in the past meetings, all I've done is kept Groudon and Kyogre from fighting. And in those meetings, it did concern them."
"Well, that is a good theory, but Arceus is calling absolutely everyone in the meeting, so that disproves yours."
"Wait, everybody?" Rayquaza questioned, assuring he had heard right.
"Wait, except for Deoxys, right?"
"Well, of course. Him and Mewtwo. Deoxys is from space and Mewtwo is an artificial legendary," Jirachi clarified, "Wait, don't tell me you haven't gotten over your grudge."
"How can I?" Rayquaza asked, "Everyone knows my dislike towards anything that falls from space."
"Yeah, you told us."
"As if I can get over my first encounter," Rayquaza muttered, remembering his experience that caused him to develop a deep dislike towards all astronomical objects.
The Earth was a bright and healthy blue, with large wispy clouds dotting the surface. Green blessed the islands below with various spots tinted with sand. Bordering the ozone layer was a realm of blackness. A dark and mysterious void dotted with twinkles awaited anyone with the technology and power to break free from the planet's gravitational pull. Scenery so breathtaking that only the fortunate could hope to photograph or relive every second of this astronomical wonder.
However, the sole being who had such power did not do much to appreciate it.
"Hmm…multiply by four…" Rayquaza mumbled as he pressed buttons.
Despite being hailed as King of the Sky, Rayquaza had his own shortcomings when he was bored. For instance, he would pick up interesting pieces of trash and toss them into the ozone layer to watch it burn as it fell towards Earth. Today, however, he had found something interesting in the rubble he gathered.
"Huh, I guess calculators are neat, considering their jump in technology," Rayquaza said, looking at his pocket calculator.
"Hmm, if a year has three-hundred-sixty-five days, how many days are in four years?" he asked himself as he pressed the appropriate buttons.
The screen came up with the number one-thousand-four-hundred-sixty.
"Ha! Wrong! It forgot about the extra day that comes with the leap year," Rayquaza said triumphantly.
After his comment, the screen somehow added one to the number.
Ignoring the abnormal adding the calculator had done by itself, Rayquaza resumed fiddling with the contraption.
"…divide by two…multiply by seven…add forty-two…" the dragon mumbled as he pressed keypads.
The screen came up with the number eighty-thousand-eighty-five.
"Haha! I knew you could do something like that!" Rayquaza said, laughing at his immature humor, "let's see if I can come up with…"
A strange humming noise was heard to his left.
"Hey, I'm a little busy right now. Do you-"
The object crashed into him at a very high speed. His head tore through most of the spaceship, knocking out the dragon unconscious. His calculator escaped his hands only to burn up in the ozone layer. Pieces of his skin came off as well as drops of blood, showing how severe the crash was. As Rayquaza fell down into ocean, the spaceship gave off a loud boom and made loud beeping noises. Despite its best effort to retain levitation, it careened down towards Earth, specifically in the direction of North America.
"It took me three weeks to recover from that," Rayqauza said, shuddering at the painful memory, "I had a full set of teeth…"
"Fractured jaw, missing teeth, kidney surgery…" Jirachi said as he collected fragments of that day.
"Kidney what?" Rayquaza questioned.
"But come on, Rayquaza," Jirachi continued, hoping to change the subject, "that was thirty years ago."
"I'm not one to let a grudge die, you know that," Rayquaza scoffed, "I looked all over New Mexico for that ship. Groudon was sure it landed there."
"You think the humans found it?" Jirachi asked.
"Probably. I just hope the worst came to that vessel," Rayquaza grumbled as Sinnoh came ever so closer into view.
"When it comes to humans, things usually get worse," Jirachi commented, "But when Deoxys came to Earth, he didn't collide with you."
"You mean 'almost'," Rayquaza corrected.
Walreins and Sealeos bellowed loudly as they happily chatted with one another. Dark blue skies complete with the northern lights dancing overhead achieved a breathtaking view of dramatic proportions only indigenous to the North pole. The chilly arctic weather would have hindered the appreciation of this spectacle, but the thick-fat gifted and heavily coated had no trouble taking in the eye sore that were the auroras.
"Crap, I'm so late," Rayquaza grumbled.
…save for the legendary king of the sky, who would rather be somewhere else.
'Today was just a total mess,' Rayquaza thought woefully, 'First, I lose my diary, then I lost my prized Mewtwo action figure to a bet with Moltres, and then I take a wrong turn in Johto and wound up in the south pole. I would have been here earlier had it not been for the hurricane that got in my way. Man, am I tired… at least it's smooth sailing from…'
Just then, a distant sailing noise was heard, breaking Rayquaza's train of thought. Rayquaza turned to look and saw a bright light, well, brighter then the aurora, in the sky.
'What the hell is that?' Rayquaza thought, 'It looks like…'
Without warning, the bright light zoomed directly at Rayquaza, revealing itself as a comet, and narrowly nailed Rayquaza had it not been for a timely dodge. As the comet proceeded to impact the ice below, Rayquaza processed what had just happened and, fueled by frustration from the day's earlier events, roared loudly.
"Oh, you did NOT just almost hit me! I am going to Hyper Beam you into oblivion!" Rayquaza roared, speeding towards the crash site as he did.
Seeing the alien figure below, he charged his ice beam, ready to fire.
"Hey! Fruit by the foot!" Rayquaza called out as he fired the cold beam onto the ground. The alien managed to escape the path of the beam but was caught by the crystallizing ice. It broke out of the ice cage effortlessly but lost the jewel-embedded rock it was holding.
Rayquaza continued its assault on the uninvited alien as the two waged their epic battle across the arctic. Lasers were fired, stuff exploded, and the alien somehow managed to suplex Rayquaza onto the ice, leading to a very nasty comment from the dragon's mouth. Of course, worse, and much more negative, responses were expressed from Rayquaza with each successive Psycho Boost, pinning him towards the cold ground. For the convenience of this fiction's rating, these comments were removed. But if you want an idea of how verbal it got, a close equivalent would be an angry football fan watching the championships.
The battle ended with Rayquaza falling into the ocean, scarred with a singed mouth as a result of a hyper beam that backfired on him. The dragon's unconscious body made a loud splash as he entered the cold waters of the North Pole. His opponent defeated, Deoxys moved in closer to get a better view of the sinking dragon to ensure that it would not trouble him no more. However, to Deoxys's misfortune, Rayquaza feigned defeat and rose out of the water, fully charged Hyper Beam in his mouth with Deoxys in point-blank range of the blast. The second before the Hyper Beam was shot, Rayquaza faintly heard Deoxys say something.
"You're a douche."
All that remained of him afterward was the gem in his chest.
"I bet y'all thought I was dead," Rayquaza said mockingly at his audience, who were humans fortunate, or unfortunate, to have witnessed the fight, as he ran loops over the water, "Told ya I'd hyper beam him into oblivion!"
With a victory roar, Rayquaza sailed into the sky. The battle had left him tired and shivering as a result of being thrown against the cold ice rather consecutively. Only one thought ran through his mind as he sailed higher into the stratosphere.
'Well, at least I have an excuse for why I am late,' Rayquaza thought, 'The water didn't feel so bad either. The water, not the coldness. I might spend a vacation in a lake.'
Suddenly, Rayquaza felt a bloated sensation in his nose, releasing a cloud of nasal debris accompanied with a loud, short sneeze.
"Damn aliens," Rayquaza sniffed.
"And yet you tracked him down four years later just to do it again," Jirachi said.
"But he brought a friend," Rayquaza said defensively.
"He was looking for that friend," Jirachi countered.
"Well, they double teamed me."
"Only in defense. They just wanted to subdue you long enough to escape into space," Jirachi pointed out.
"Whatever, I got a good suplex throw in that fight. That's good enough for me," Rayquaza said with mild satisfaction.
"Even though they helped you escape a blocky fate?" the wish maker questioned.
"…well, I guess I forgot that little detail. But still, I was tossed against the ground so many times, it wasn't funny."
"That isn't a good excuse to warrant a grudge."
Rayquaza merely crossed his arms.
"I just don't like meteor or meteor-like objects. That's all."
With that said, Rayquaza zoomed forward towards the Hall of Origin, having already entered Sinnoh miles before. Jirachi slowed down a little to process his words slowly.
"You like me…" Jirachi uttered.
"No I don't," Rayquaza replied, to Jirachi's surprise.
Jirachi levitated there, thinking about his connection with the emerald dragon. Jirachi sighed heavily as he watched the dragon enter the vicinity of Spear Pillar. Staring at his tail before it disappeared, the wish maker shook his head back and forth, realizing he knew Rayquaza better than anyone, even Arceus, did.
"You go by many titles Rayquaza, King of the Sky, Emerald Legend, etcetera," Jirachi said to himself, "but past that rough exterior and reputation, you have faults and flaws just like everyone else does. You may be widely renowned as Rayquaza, but the truth is, you're not so legendary."
Jirachi proceeded to enter Spear Pillar.
'But you are still my best friend.'
Alright, we are done with the first chapter. The next chapter will be about the meeting, obviously. As the story goes on, you, that would be the reader, will discover each characters 'title' that no good sitcom is without. The next chapter will reveal an insight towards most of the legendaries personality, but I'll leave it to you to piece the puzzle together. Not much is known about our characters so far, but it seems that Rayquaza likes to play with…toys… as for Jirachi, well, he will have an interesting one, but that's all I will say.
You are done reading! You are about to review! I should probably stop yelling! R & R!