I can't escape from the feeling that I am somehow becoming less and less of a person since I've moved here. Of course physically I still qualify, my body covered in words, art and metal. I'm still in full possessions of organs, bones and a heart however brittle they all may be. But it's as if I avoid sleep without Edward next to me as though I've come to rely on the warmth of his body and with each unconscious moment passing by without him it's as though I'm frantically thrashing against the invisible restraints every dream features, I am letting little bits of myself shake off silently in to the night. It's as if with every step I take both figuratively and literally I am getting further and further away from grounding, stretching the bond of when I am with him and without him as though I'm at breaking point. And with Alice it's as if with every word I swallow because I don't have the energy to say it I am sacrificing sections of my brain, derived of power and inspiration and left to decompose when I speak to her however rarely that is now. The steady decline of our friendship is dragging me through. Waking in Edward's room to sneak out on to the balcony with chipped paint railings and coffee mugs scattered on the table from our early morning discussions on life and living. I suddenly feel the air shift and I know Edwards near me.
Wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing his face against my hair and inhaling then as he exhales I feel a chaste kiss on my pulse point before he walks up to the rickety iron chair that sits alone and unoccupied. Without even looking up he passes me a lit cigarette and clasps my hand bringing me down on to his lap where I curl myself around him as we sit silently for some time before he speaks
"you need to speak to Alice, you and I both know that" he had obviously been waiting to say this to me at a time when I had some time to calm down and process the last few days. Neither of us said a word but the air around us grew heavy with subtly communicated thoughts
"I'll ask her around to my apartment today to talk, will you come over straight after it though?" I asked feeling slightly nervous that he has come to realize just how much I rely on him and if he thinks it's as stupid as I do.
I took his cigarette, inhaling before he spoke
"of course, I'll be around as soon as you need me baby" he whispered clutching a coffee cup in his hand before resting his other on my upper thigh lazily running his fingers in a pattern that was slowly distracting me.
"I liked last night" Edward commented after some time, I scoffed nothing but sex was the good thing about last night
"Why?" I asked, he gripped slightly harder on my hips, before bucking which caused me to moan slightly
"I liked your soft skin pressed against me as my fingers traced your spine, the way you never tired of me, how you gripped on to me as though you didn't want me to leave, when we were finished you wrapped yourself around me…and I really liked that you were up for round two" he finished with a chuckle, I lightly mock slapped his chest
"I liked that I could taste tobacco and mint on your breath and how warm your hands were, how you tilted my chin to meet your eyes, how you called me beautiful more than once and I could tell it wasn't forced that you truly believe I'm beautiful and I really liked your cocky attitude especially in round two and three"
Edward lifted me up, wrapping my legs around him I was lead back in to the bedroom where round four proceeded.
I'd already messaged Alice asking her to come to my apartment I was currently sitting on my kitchen counter, it was so cold outside and inside wasn't much better I could barely get my heating to work I was in thermal leggings and an oversized knitted jumper with my hair thrown up in to a bun with my reading glasses on. There was a soft knock on the door before I called her in, she walked in with a determined look on her face as though she was looking for battle rather than looking for a solution. I hoped this wasn't going to be nasty.
"hi" I said meekly closing the catalogue I was flicking through but keeping my spot on the counter watching as she put her bag down and sat on the couch arm, crossing her arms with a strong jaw she spoke
"it was good to hear from you" she was so cut off, so hard rather then the soft but strong Alice I'm used to
"mmhmm, I wanted to sort out why you would think it would be okay to take me to that party, 1. Knowing I wouldn't want to go to a friend of someone whose drugged me, to their house and 2. why you wanted tell me before I was confronted and 3. Why you didn't come check on me when I ran out? Did you know he came after me? That Edward and him got in to a fight whilst I sat in a taxi crying like a girl" I spat the last word
"It wasn't a major thing, it was a party drug not a date rape drug don't be dramatic Isabella. I thought you'd be over it by the time we got to the party and if not I thought you'd be mature enough to stay at the party for an hour instead of acting up, I didn't come after you because when Alexe came back in he said you went with some guy I figured Edward had you, again." She spoke as if I disgusted her
"A major thing? Are you fucking kidding me right now. No matter what drug he gave me it wasn't by choice so if I want to be dramatic I can be fucking dramatic. Mature? Talking about mature maybe you could step up to the plate and take on that role."
"I'm sorry" she whispered
"it's too late for that, I was wanting that when you walked in before you acted like a self righteous bitch making it seem like I was the bad friend, I'm far too tired for this bullshit. Come talk to me when you know what a real apology is" I spoke with dismissal forcing the words out. Grabbing her bag she walked to the door only looking back with sad small and watered eyes before she closed the door with a click.
I wiped the silent tears from my face before grabbing my phone and slipped shoes on and heading to the store, I don't give a fuck if I rely on him I needed to just rant and not be pent up, Alice made me feel insecure with her stupid fucking words. Slipping into the store seeing it was rather chaotic signaling to jasper before grabbing a sketch book and sitting behind the counter waiting for Edward to have a spare moment between clients. I wasn't paying attention to the drawing I knew I was becoming frantic and it was best if I probably just left instead.
Walking up to jasper in the backroom as he restocked the shelves
"Jasper, can you just let Edward know I was here but I'm leaving now" I spoke quietly realizing how exhausted I felt
"You alright, B?" he asked genuinely concerned, I pursed my lips and shook my head before he wrapped his arms around me and just holding me. After a few minutes the door banged open, Jasper released his arms around me and I whirled around to meet Edwards fire fueled eyes, I could tell he was going to say something he was so tense as though anger filled each muscle until he met my eyes and under his breathed whispered 'fuck' before he came over hands on either side of my face scanning as though checking for any signs of physical damage after finding nothing he finally spoke
"What happened baby" Edward asked, as I looked over his shoulder to see jasper slip out the door
"She was horrible, absolutely horrible, I couldn't believe the things she said to me. As though she was accusing me that it was my fault, I just need to rant because she made me feel like shit about myself so just let me rant to you and don't judge me for it, just accept my crazy for the next few minutes"
"Okay baby" Edward nodded meekly
"I build up and crash down, I think too much or not at all. My stomach wants it out because my brain never wanted anything, no matter what I do I always feel wrong. Cigarettes and coffee makes me sick, green tea and cereal make me sick, water and nothing make me sick, everything makes me sick. I'm sorry. I go from wild and giggling to exhausted and introverted. I can't be the good one for a long time, I haven't enough energy. Lack of sleep without you and shitty nutrition and lack of motivation I just cannot do it. I'm so fucking sorry that I'm not more, it's killing me that I'm not more. When I was there with her biting my lip trying not to cry in front of her, she was making it sound as though how much I wanted you was vial and all I could think of was how much I wanted you was rushed and too fast. My biggest fear is going too fast and we're on fast forward on every fucking thing and I'm sorry but everything you do makes me feel good I don't feel broken when I'm with you, I'm too young for this shit. With every word it became more unbearable, she kept going and god I just wanted you. I miss being innocent, I'm aware with with Alice I can fix it with all this time but god, I was sitting there and I still wanted you I didn't want to hear any more words. It's just, I really fucking wished someone cared. I wished someone was here. I wish someone still gave me something to believe in. I'm falling and I'm scared because this time there is absolutely nothing and no one to save me. I tried so hard and I still failed. I never knew anything could hurt as much as being hopeless. And you, you make me feel so good and you fix everything and I've known you for weeks and I feel like I'm losing my mind." I rushed out my words without giving Edward time to respond, using my hands to emphasize that I most likely am crazy as he looked on blankly and just before he spoke I was this close to a meltdown from being embarrassed
"We're a challenge. You're fascinating, occasionally maddening. But you're not afraid of life, and although you're slightly crazy, I love you and I know it's sudden but I do, I've never any woman before you, but I love you with every part of me and It drives me insane how frantic you make me feel, how alive and how every part of me wants to protect you, I love you." He wrapped his arms around my waist bringing my closer silence filled the room for a long time
"I love you too with everything that's insane about" I got out just before he crashed his lips with mine, molding his form to mine.