I miss him.

I really miss him.

I wish I could talk to him.

James is sitting across the room from me, literally a few feet away and I can't talk to him. I wonder if he misses me, I miss him. James and I were seeing each other, I guess you could say we were seeing each other in secret. We didn't really mean for it to be a secret it just sort of happened. We were friends, everyone knew we were friends then...I can't explain how but something changed, we started walking that little bit closer to each other during rounds, then he gave me his cloak when I was cold, I hugged him when he was fought with his friends and then I kissed him when he told me I was beautiful. Yes I kissed him, I made the first move because when James Potter looks into your eyes and tells you that you are more beautiful than any of those idiots that tell you you're not, you have to kiss him. It is impossible not to kiss him.

After that it had just sort of happened, James and I. He was perfect, I know I sound sappy but he was, he is perfect. We did homework together, we talked and laughed but my favorite thing in the world to do was just lie with him. Lying with James is the best thing in the world, at least I think so. We would lie on the sofa in front of the fire in the Head's common room, I would rest my head on his chest just below his chin and he would rub circles on my stomach with his hands, sometimes we would talk but most of the time we were comfortable enough to just be with each other. At least I was. I was content to just be with him, nothing has ever felt that perfect.

Now it's over.


FLASHBACK

"Lily?" said James. They were in the middled of patrols, walking along the third floor corridor, he had his arm around Lily's shoulders, she was nestled in her favorite spot right below his chin.

"Yeah," she said.

"What are we doing?"

"We're patrolling," Lily giggled.

"No I mean us," said James taking his arm off her shoulder and taking a step away from her. "Our...relationship I guess?"

"I don't understand," said Lily. "We...We're us."

"Come on Lily I'm serious," sighed James. "Why haven't you told anyone about us?"

"You haven't either," said Lily.

"I have," said James. "I told the other marauders. Have you told your friends?"

"No," Lily admitted.

"Why not?"

"I...I didn't want them to know," she said looking at the ground. She couldn't lie to him, she didn't want to tell her friends and everyone else about her and James, they were so perfect and there wasn't a single girl in school that didn't want James, Lily couldn't bear it if their relationship got messed up or people started to interfere and make things messy.

"Why?"

"Because...why do they need to know?" said Lily. "Don't you think things are good the way they are? I know I do."

"I was never going to win, was I?" asked James his eyes looking impossibly sad.

"What do mean? Win what?" said Lily her voice slightly panicky.

"I was never going to get you, I knew that," said James. "You're not...you're too good for me. I was never going to get you, you turned me down so many times I should have given up but in the back of my mind I though maybe."

"James..."

"You're ashamed that you gave in," said James. "It's okay, I knew this would happen. I can't be your dirty little secret anymore, I just...can't. It's not fair."

"James I'm not..."

"Remus is going to do rounds with you from now on," said James. He couldn't look at the girl he loved, if he did he would fall apart, he wouldn't be able to leave. "It's better is we're not even friends anymore. Have a nice life Lily."

"James no," said Lily tears welling up in her eyes but he was already half way down the corridor. "I love you."


I hate that I have to see him all the time

I'm sure I would hate it more if I never saw him again.

But I still hate that I have to see him all the time. It hurts whenever I catch a glimpse of him which is a lot because I keep looking for him. I don't know why I do it, I think I'm hoping that if I look at him at the right second I will see the look on his face I used to see. I'm hoping that if I look at him, he will suddenly realize that I love him and I was never ashamed of what we had. It's a long shot but at least it's a shot. I wish I could talk to him, I know that I should talk to him and tell him how wrong he got everything. But if you could see the way he looks at me now, it's all I can do to stop myself from curling up into a ball and crying.

"Lily," said her best friend Alice. Lily was sitting in the common room reading.

"Yeah," said Lily.

"I have something to tell you," said Alice nervously. "But I don't want to tell you, but I have to tell you or someone else will and that will be worse. I'm so sorry."

"Okay," said Lily. "No one is hurt, are they?"

"No," said Alice. "It's uh...James?"

"Is he okay?"

"He has a date with Holly Bones tomorrow," said Alice.

Lily could actually feel her heart stop beating. The idea of her James with someone else was almost more than she could bear. She could picture him with her, holding her hand, kissing Holly the way he used to kiss her.

"I'll be back soon," said Lily numbly.

"Lily...maybe you should just get it over with and talk to him. What is the worst that could happen?"

"I don't know," Lily admitted. "But I'm scared that if I try then I'll find out."

"Okay," said Alice. "If you need me..."

"I know where you are," she said. "I'm going to take a walk."


Lily was walking down the third floor corridor late that night, she had been wandering around for hours, trying to get some perspective on the situation. She was trying to think rationally, the conversation with James had just come out of nowhere. He had never tried to talk to her about their relationship before, he had never given any indication that he thought she was ashamed of them. Now, he was dating someone else so soon. It wasn't fair!

Then she saw him at the end of the corridor, was sitting on the floor slumped against the wall.

"James," said Lily as she was surprised by how even her voice sounded.

"Lily?" said James obviously surprised to see her. "What are you doing out of bed so late?"

"I could ask you the same thing," she said. "What are you doing here? Waiting for Holly to meet you at the nearest broom closet?"

"You heard about me and Holly?"

"Yeah," said Lily. She really had no idea how she was managing to sound indifferent.

"Oh..."

"I guess I was right all along, huh James?" said Lily quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"I always thought you were just after the thrill of the chase," she said. "I always thought you only liked me because I was a challenge, we weren't together very long I guess I was even more boring than I thought. Holly seems much more like your type, I don't want a guy like you. I thought I did, I really did fall in love with the man I thought you were. But you were and always will be James Potter, immature, horny little slimeball! And you blamed me. Stay the hell away from me James or I swear I will hex you into next week!"

James stayed quiet, he just hung his head. All he could do was watch Lily walk away from him.

"Come back baby," he whispered. She was too far away to hear him.