"My grandfather used to say that almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Then my Grammy would answer, "yes, Poppa, everybody knows, almost doesn't count." It's true. Think about it. When is it almost good enough?" ~Bella, Almost Doesn't Count

This is a companion fic to Almost Doesn't Count, not sure if it will be able to stand alone or not. It's all Edward, all the time. YUMMY! This will be a series of outtakes of sorts, letting us in to the wonderful world of Edward. His past, his thoughts, his conversations we didn't get to listen in on w/BPOV, etc. All will be revealed. It may be sad at times because of Esme. Hold me. ~ Mrs. R.

Not really beta'd. So ignore mistakes.

~Edward 2 weeks before meeting with his lawyer~

Dear God,

I didn't know if I would ever find a need to write in these prayer journals again, this gift from my family the first year I left for college, but if there was ever a time I needed a release – a saving grace - for what I have pent up in my soul – it is now.

I just left my mother's side, she is such a fragile wounded soul and now I am broken. She asked me to stay the night again, but I needed some time alone to process this all. I have been fighting back the tears ever since I saw her the other day. Words could not have prepared for me for what I would see when I arrived home from Russia. Part of me wants to ring Emmett's neck for not telling me sooner. This... just....hurts.

Here I sit, watching Ethan sleep, wondering what if in thirty years I am in my mother's shoes. What if I am on the verge of discovering the afterlife, how would I handle it? How would I feel knowing I was to leave my most prized possessions behind and miss, what I had assumed, would be given to me - more life.

I had always believed it would be old age that would claim my parents breath, not the ugliness of cancer. My mother was an angel and angels shouldn't suffer so.

I may be wrong to think that this is alright, that after years and years of silence from me, that I now pray for these things, for miracles. To ask you for blessings I am not deserved of, for you to grant me the wishes of my heart, but I have nowhere else to go, I have no one else to ask. The one person whom I thought would always be there for me, is losing her battle and I am scared. I am frightened of what is to come in the following months. I fear I am not strong enough to handle this – alone. This struggle to gain Ethan as my own and the strength to let go of my mother gracefully, may just wear me down to the point of nothingness.

Give me strength. Please..

Sincerely~ E.C.


Was this really happening to me? The emotional up and down constant in my life was so messed up, I wasn't sure if I was coming or going.

Bella Swan just left my house. The Bella Swan. My Bella Swan.

Of course she knew nothing of my crush on her from high school. I was still in such a daze. I needed to go dig out my old yearbooks and make sure it was really her. Shit, I know it was. She talked of being divorced from that cocksucker Newton. Now she was going to be my adoption lawyer. Man, fate sure does have a strange sense of humor. I was positive Jasper knew nothing of my infatuation with her in school, but my mother, that sneaky thing! She was the only one who knew about my feelings then and now, I was sure she was waiting for my call. "Call me as soon as your meeting with your lawyer is over," echoed in my head.

"Hello mother. How are you feeling?"

"Edward honey, I am feeling fine, just a little tired. So.."


"Did you meet your lawyer? Is it...."

"Yes, I met my lawyer and yes, it is her. How did you know?"

"Edward," she sighed, "when Jasper started telling me about her, I just knew is was your Swan. He raved about how professional she was, how she was your age, from Forks, single...."

"Mom, come on. She barely remembered me and we're to be involved on a professional level. It's been a long time. Let's not jump to conclusions..."

"Yes, Edward, I understand but will you please bring her to meet me soon. I remember how beautiful she was and …. I just want to meet her, talk with her. Okay?" I heard the tears in my mother's voice and I agreed. Not knowing how I would ever convince Bella to go back to Forks with me and meet my mother, I wasn't ready to reveal my past to her just yet.


That night after my meeting with Bella, I tried to go to sleep but it seemed impossible. I just remembered too much.

It was the summer, weeks before the beginning of my eight grade year when I saw my Swan for the first time. Really saw her. My parents were big time supporters of the local performing arts. My mother had carried on and on about the latest production of Grease by all the area kids. She wasn't going to let me and my father NOT go. She staged us a family night on the opening evening of the play and off we went to Fork's Little Theater. I laughed as I thought about how much I was dreading going to FLT that night. I was positive all my friends would make fun of me if they knew where I was headed. My mother was seriously crampin' my style.

We sat fairly close to the front and I slumped down in my seat to hide from being seen, my baseball cap pulled down over my face as much as possible. Then the lights dimmed and the production began. It was kinda cheezy, but not too horrible to endure. I had almost fallen asleep in my seat when my mother nudged me to look. She pointed up to the girl on stage and asked if I knew her, she swore we were in the same grade. But I shook my head, there was no way I went to school with that girl – I would have noticed her before. I sat up a little straighter as I watched her own that stage. She was beautiful and so confident and... yeah, I'm sure I had never seen her before tonight. Her nose was pink from too much sun and her hair was brown, wavy, and shoulder length. But it was her eyes. The were big and full and mysterious and ...captivating. She didn't have a main part in the play, but every time she was on stage, I could only watch her.

I grabbed the play's program out of my mother's hand and skimmed the list of character's for her name. I trailed my finger on the paper from her character's name over to her real name...Isabella Swan. Isabella. Swan.

For the next two weeks, my mom and I attended every performance of Grease. During one of Bella's performances, my mother leaned over and whispered, "Isn't she lovely?" All I could do was nod and right then my mother knew. She knew why I insisted on going with her instead of staying at home.

I knew little of my Swan then, but I couldn't wait for school to start to find out all about her. I had no classes with her, but her locker was right outside my fifth period English. I tried to be inconspicuous as I hung out in the hall trying to just catch of glimpse of her. In the next few months all that I learned about Isabella Swan was that she prefers to be called Bella. She was quiet and hung out in the library as opposed to the gym like me. I never saw her at any of our games or pep rallys. She was in the drama club and chorus and I always found a reason to attend their performances. She was Fork's Chief of Police's daughter and seemed to have very few friends. She wasn't popular, like me, wasn't close friends with anyone in my crowd, and she kept to herself. Still such a mystery, a gorgeous mystery.

As we moved on from eighth grade to high school, I kept an eye on Bella. I was too scared to ever talk to her. Once as a Freshman there was an assembly and some how she was setting directly in front of me on the bleachers. My knees touching her back, I leaned forward, spread my legs and rested my hands clasped together on my knees. My fingers were able to covertly touch and graze her hair. Once I got pushed from behind and it caused my knees to jab her in the back really hard. I reached down and touched her shoulders and apologized. She looked back at me and smiled. Her voice so soft, if I hadn't already committed it to memory, I would not have known what she said. "It's okay," she whispered. She blushed and quickly turned back around. I stuck my straw back in my mouth and tried to hide my grin. All that week I was living on cloud nine because my Swan had spoken to me.

Every quarter my mother and I would practically stalk FLT. Most of the time we went to every production they put on more than once. Over the years I learned many of the lines to Cats the musical, Sound of Music, Les Miserables, Macbeth, and many more but it was Romeo and Juliet that changed my outlook. We were Juniors and Bella was Juliet. I had stopped by the ticket booth outside FLT and read the cast list the night before after baseball practice, my Swan was Juliet! Romeo was some dude I had never heard of. This play would be epic, I would get to watch her all night long, she was the star. The Swan that starred and performed was different than the Bella I went to school with. Gone was her shyness and uncertainty when she was on that stage, she was perfect, the spotlight was all hers.

As she spoke the lines of Juliet in regards to her new love, I felt my heart pound and I was struck with the need to just talk to her. I wanted to know her favorite color, her favorite restaurant, her middle name, her fears, her dreams, her passions...her. I wanted to know her. That night I pulled my copy of Romeo and Juliet from my bookcase and began to read it again. I imagined it was Bella and I talking to each other. I could still hear the tone of her voice, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou..."

I would do it. Fuck clicks and who's popular or not. I wanted to get to know Bella. I had admired my Swan going on almost three years now from a distance. It was time to narrow that gap and fulfill my heart's desire. I was going to ask her out.

That next Monday morning it was two months into my Junior year and I had determination on my mind. I was going to talk to her. I knew her locker was on the opposite end of the hall from mine but I purposefully got to school early to find her.

There she stood, it was like out of a dream. The light was shining in from the square in the door that lead outside and you could see auburn streaks reflecting in her hair. There was almost a glow surrounding her. She was biting on her bottom lip as she stood by herself. Then I stopped in my tracks when I saw who approached her. Mike Newton. He wrapped his arms around my Swan and lifted her up as he kissed the top of her head. Her face blushed red again just as it did that day she spoke to me. I wanted to throw up. I stumbled back and let my back rest against the wall of lockers behind me. She was taken, I had waited too long. I wasn't one to break up relationships either, so that was it. She was off limits. I would ask around, see how serious this was, but I wouldn't speak a word of how I felt.

Over the next year and a half I watched as Mike kept his hands all over her at school. Only to have his hands down some random girl's pants at a party the next weekend. Bella never came with him, I suppose she was at rehearsals. I wanted to tell her what scum he was, but what was I to tell her? Nothing. I stopped going to the theater so much. It didn't seem right anymore. I had let my Swan free to fly. They say swan's usually mate for life with the possibility of divorce among them rare. I hoped my Swan was different. Maybe Mike wasn't her true mate and someday, sooner than later, she would see that. She deserved better.


The next morning I surprisingly woke up before Ethan. I covered my eyes with my arms as I thought about the day before. I needed to confirm with Jasper that we were still having lunch on Monday, we had some shit to discuss! There was no doubt about it, I was going to be spending a lot of time with Bella in the next few months. I would finally get my chance to get to know my Swan. Maybe this was God's way of redeeming himself. He was taking my mother, but granting me Ethan and Bella in her place. Damn I hated to think that way! I wanted it all, I shouldn't have to give up anything.


Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like. ~Lemony Snicket

Remember they have been out of high school for 7+ years, a lot has changed. He wasn't in love w/her, just a crush. This was just a little bit of E's history, he started talking to me last night & WOULD. NOT. QUIT. until I wrote this.

I have no update schedule for this (like I do for any of my fics ) . But I will continue this and you will know all about our Edward. I have had requests for Ed's convo w/Jasper & what he was thinking while B was sleeping. So any others? Anything that sticks out & you think, Hmm, what was Edward thinking? Let me know, I'll try. If you like it, you need tell me in the way of REVIEWS! There is lots we don't know about! ::wiggles eyebrows::