Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Well, I may be a little early, but I'm going to hell, I mean Florida for Christmas for a week. WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS! Ugg. But enough about me. I would like to thank AllApologies451994 because I based this story off of her "unique" form of comedy.
"Emmett, it's not gonna fit!" Alice screamed.
"This was the smallest tree I could find!" I shouted back. "It has to fit!"
"There's a smaller one about forty miles north-east. Go get that one."
I threw the tree as far as I could. "Dammit! I hate Christmas!"
"Come on Emmett," Jasper said walking out of the house. "Get in the holiday spirit."
"That's easy for you to say. You didn't have to spend an hour uprooting trees just to remember that you know somebody who can see a tree that will actually fit in the door!"
"You didn't ask," Alice called from her room window.
"UGH!" I screamed. "You two are so annoying." I ran off to get the stupid tree.
"Bella, where are we going?" I asked.
"We have to do our Christmas shopping. With Renesmee and the whole transformation, I wasn't able to do any shopping last year. So, technically, this is my first vampire Christmas."
"Don't you mean vampire and werewolf Christmas," I said with disgust.
Bella slapped me. "Edward! Stop being so mean to Jacob. He's part of the family now."
I rubbed my cheek. "Ow!"
"Not to mention, we needed to get you away from everyone else so you wouldn't see what they got you."
I rolled my eyes. "Christmas is still a week away. They can't hide their thoughts forever."
"No. But I can keep you away from their thoughts for a week."
My spirits lifted. "And what exactly will we be doing for a week?"
Bella slapped me again. "Nice try, Edward. We're gonna race."
"Yeah. A foot race. First to Texas and back wins. Sound good?"
"It depends. What does the winner get?"
"Alice is planning a very special present for the loser. But you're not gonna know what it is," she said in a singsong voice.
"Damn." I thought I was gonna get something out my favorite catalog: the kamasutra.
I hate Christmas.
"Hi Renesmee," I said walking into my room. "What are you doing here?"
"Auntie Rose, can I ask you something?"
I sat down on my bed next to her. "Of course you can. What is it."
"What's a pussy?"
I felt my eyes widen and my jaw dropped. "Uh... Um..." I cleared my throat, even though it's impossible for anything to be there. "Where did you hear that?"
"Uncle Emm said Jasper was one."
Not my kid, not my problem. Not my kid, not my problem. "Well, why don't you wait until Daddy gets home next and ask him."
She stared at me unconvinced. "It's something bad, isn't it?"
"Yes, and I'm sure your Dad would love to know what Uncle Emm said. But for now, go play with your toys."
She sighed and got off the bed, just in time for the Mutt to walk through the door.
"Get out of here! You're gonna stink up my room!"
"Ha ha. Aren't you supposed to be sucking the happiness out of the world somewhere else?" He picked up Renesmee.
I rolled my eyes. "Hey, where were you? Just leaving Renesmee to walk around alone."
"I had to use the bathroom. I didn't wanna leave my scent in the house, so I went in the woods."
"I don't need the specifics, dog."
"You're the one who asked."
I looked into the sun and sighed. "Isn't this great?"
"Absolutely. When was the last time we got to spend time alone like this?" Esme asked.
"A good thirty, maybe forty years."
"Wow. It was sure nice of Bella to suggest we take a vacation."
I chuckled. "I think after living with us for a year, she figured that we were in desperate need for a break."
This was the second time either of us we're on Isle Esme. The first time is when I bought it. I realized as I laid on the beach in the sun next to my wife that we need to do this more often. Maybe once a year; every Christmas. Maybe even twice a year...
"Do you mind if I take my top off?"
Definitely two times a year.
I love Christmas.
I burst into the clearing and my heart sank. Bella was already standing on the porch, smiling. I sighed.
"What took you so long?"
"That's no fair. You cheated."
"I did not! You just can't admit you lost. And I never said how far into Texas you were supposed to go."
I sighed again. Okay, I'll admit it. I got lost. Instead of reaching the high point of the state, I ended up going to far East and wasted at least a couple hours. Maybe even a day.
"Are you ready for you're special present, Edward?" Alice said walking out of the house.
I saw it in her head.
We all sat around the tree that I singlehandedly set up and decorated. Granted, it only took half a minute, but it would have been nice if at least one person asked to help.
I looked around trying to find something to distract me. Alice made it very clear that if any of us slipped with our thoughts, she was gonna take our gifts back. Little bitch.
Edward chuckled from my thoughts and I looked over at him. I burst laughing. He glared at me.
"Don't say a word," he said while shooting daggers at me.
I put my hands over my mouth. Edward was wearing a shirt that said "Team Jacob." I had no idea what it meant, but it seemed ironic to me.
"Where did you get the cool shirt, Edward?" I said, suppressing giggles.
"I found it online," Alice said from behind me. "Bella made a bet with Edward and he lost."
My eyes widened. "Really? Bella, I never knew you were a betting woman."
Edward glared at me again. "Not your type of bet, Emmett."
"Enough talk," Alice said. "It's time for presents! Edward, you're first."
"So we can stop trying to hide our thoughts. I don't know f you know this, but Emmett has a hard time staying foucused."
I turned when I heard my name. "Is someone talking about me?"
Alice rolled her eyes. "Just shut up and give Edward your gift."
I smiled. "My pleasure."
I grabbed the small cookie sized box from under the tree and handed it to Edward. "It's for both of you."
He lifted it like it was a bomb. "Something tells me I don't wanna open this."
"Just do it. But don't forget the card."
He opened the small envelope and read the card I wrote. "Dear Edward and Bella, what's in this box could change your lives forever. But I'm a little late in getting it to you... Merry Christmas."
I sat back ready to run as he opened the box. To my surprise, when he lifted the lid of the box, he laughed. Bella, on the other hand, was mad.
"Emmett! What the hell?!"
I laughed with Edward. He reached into the box and pulled out the condom.
"Hey Renesmee, it looks like Emmett doesn't like you very much."
She turned in Jacob's lap to glare at me. "Emmett, you pussy!"
The room went silent.
After a long discussion, everyone decided to take away my gifts, which I think is a little bit too much.
The next half hour was spent with everyone else giving "practical gifts." Alice gave everyone clothes. (Of course.) Jasper took credit for Alice's gifts as well, saying they were from the both of them. The truth was probably that he didn't want to go out shopping with humans. Rose gave everyone a Christmas hat with their names written on them. Bella's gifts were all specific to the person, but I wasn't paying enough attention to find out what they were. I was waiting for them to open my presents.
"Is it my turn yet?"
"No," Alice said angrily. She was more mad about Renesmee's language then Bella was. Don't ask me why. "Jacob has to go first."
"Umm," Jacob said. "I've been kinda busy, and wasn't able to get anything. Sorry."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can go, Emmett."
I clapped my hands. "Great!"
I started with Jacob, just because he was sitting next to me.
I grabbed the box and put it in his lap.
"It's not gonna explode or anything, is it?"
"Don't worry. This is something you need."
"That doesn't answer the question."
Despite being viably scared, he opened the box. He looked confused. As he pulled the bottle out of the box, Rose started cracking up.
"What is it?"
"It's bath scents. Let's face it: you're stinking up the place."
He threw the bottle at my head. I caught it easily. "Nice try, wolf boy. But you'll have to do a lot better than that. Now on to Jasper..."
"Emmett, no!" Alice screamed at me as I grabbed the box. I forgot about the stupid psychic.
"Jasper! Think fast!" I threw the box at him. He caught it and then ran away. I started laughing.
"What was in that?" Bella asked.
"Blood," Alice said. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"What? I got him something I knew he'd want."
"That is kinda funny," Edward said.
"Shut up, Team Jacob."
"Don't think I forgot about you Alice," I said.
"Hey! What about me?" Rose asked.
"Don't worry. You'll get your present later." I winked at her. She giggled.
I got up and sat down at the computer. I logged on and headed toward the website.
Alice must have seen what I was doing cause she gasped. "Oh, Emmett."
I smiled. "You're welcome."
She ran over to me. I logged in and her jaw dropped.
"Oh my God! Where did you get all that money?"
"A couple bets here, a few threats there. It seemed like the best thing to get you."
"You're so right. Move over."
She pushed me onto the floor and started straight away ordering things.
I had gotten her an account on a website that sends clothes directly from France in less than a week. I have already put in some cash for it. I won't say how much, but I will say that it'll probably be enough for about a year. And that's with Alice shopping!
I stood up feeling like everything was right again. Granted, the night started off a little rocky for me, but I pulled through.
"He Emmett," Bella called. I turned towards her. "If you want, you can still open me and Edward's gift to you." She held out a box.
I took it. I lifted the lid and dropped the box while screaming. They laughed at me.
"That's not funny!" It was a bear.
"Actually, I think it is. Don't you Edward?"
"Do you think we should go celebrate our Christmas?"
"Great! Emmet, you don't mind cleaning all of this up, do you? Thanks."
Then they left. They make fun of the way I almost died and then they make me clean up.
I hate Christmas.
I hoped you like it! So yeah. There's a review button, but it's ot that important for this story. I'm gonna write a chapter for each holiday.