It Was Either That or Booze

Over time, Friday nights become a 'Xanxus considers genocide all over again' charade. Lussuria doesn't initiate it anymore, but whenever someone scowls or dares mention the N-word, he bats an eyelash, smiles, and everyone bolts out the door in search of cookies, chick flicks and kittens. Standing your ground insisting on being a macho, bad-ass Mafioso will get you a lapful of a very willing, bent-on-carnal-deeds-too-awful-to-mention Lussuria. It's a fate Xanxus would wish only on the worst of his enemies, his current boss and those annoying cashiers that refuse to sell you booze when you look too hammered to walk properly.

Xanxus doesn't get it. You can lose all your motor abilities and still be able to chug beer. It's like, the laws of Snooki. Scientifically proved and shit.

When Xanxus strolls into the large hall they call living room (someone should totally live there and pay them rent), it's already occupied. In front of the huge screen is Fran, sprawled across the leather sofa watching Pokémon.

Xanxus blinks, and promptly denies he had ever hired the guy. He should've known, what with the gigantic apple hat and the sketchy humor.

"You're a fucking toddler," Xanxus tells him as he pushes his legs off and sits down. Fran doesn't spare him a glance.

"Language, boss." He mutters.

Xanxus snorts. "You're into yellow fuzzballs now?"

"He's not fuzzy."

"Well, if he had fur he'd be. With all the electricity going on, Pikachu'd end up like Hud."

Fran gives Xanxus' sparkly, tall wine glass a dubious look. Xanxus just grins and downs the alcohol like a man stranded in the Sahara. Fran rolls his eyes at him, and for a few quiet moments, they watch Fuzzy Green Ball No. 178 getting trashed by the Definitely Not- Yellow, Blushing Rat.

"Are you four?" Bel asks, peering at them across the hall.

Fran and Xanxus politely ignore him in favor of Team Rocket screwing themselves over once again. They don't actually move until Bel decides to flop down between the two of them, leaning against Fran's side. "Seriously?" he asks. "Pokémon?"

Xanxus flips him off. "Shut up, trash."

"That's PG rated." Bel points.

Xanxus doesn't really care for Bel's points. Bel's points are shit, and Xanxus is a grown man with a loaded gun at the small of his back. If he chooses to watch stupid Kodomo shows, he can, damnit.

When Levi and Lussuria arrive with beer and Squalo with vodka, they have to sit on the floor because Fran's lazy, Bel's a bitch and Xanxus is too drunk to move, and too pissy to care.

"Boys, lets-"

"Oh, God-" Levi groans, and Squalo pushes a pillow into Lussuria's face, pushing until Lussuria's back hits the floor and he's choking on cotton. The kid's an optimist, Xanxus concludes.

"Cockroaches don't die." He informs Squalo. Squalo frowns at him. It did make more sense in his head, with the homicidal move and the none-dying bastard, and like, cockroaches. 'Cause they don't die. Y'know?

"Don't listen to drunkards." Fran tells them. Levi throws a boot at him, which he successfully ducks. Fran gives Levi an amused smile that lets him know without words he's a very little man, with the aiming skills of a blind, crippled chimp.

"Drinkin' game." Bel suggests, and hell, at least one of the kids has grown up alright.

"I'm in." Xanxus chimes, stealing the beer can from Lussuria's twitching hand. Squalo's practically sitting on the pillow on his face. He can't drink it anyway.

Fran mutters something insulting in response, which Xanxus promptly ignores (but still kicks him for). The rest of the gang agrees mainly for the booze.

They end up with a two-way mix, which is not halfway as perverse or fun as it sounds. It's a Never Have I Ever plus Drinkin' When Pikachu Pika's combo. It's a promise of entertainment, upcoming-alcohol shortage and if they're lucky- a selective amnesia.

They get three shots in before anyone has the opportunity to open up and spill some dirty secrets.

"Never have I ever-" Squalo scowls. "D'we really need to say this shit every time?"

Xanxus kicks his shoulder and grumbles. Squalo snorts. "Never have I ever-" he says, pointedly not looking at anyone. Bel cackles, muttering "cut my hair" under his breath. Squalo ignores him loftily. "-done drag." Shooting Bel a glance and smirking, he adds, "Roleplaying counts."

Bel gives him a nasty sort of head tilt (because no one can differ his looks), and drinks. Lussuria drinks as well, but that's neither surprising not particularly appealing, so they all ignore it in favor of skewering Bel with their stares, and gasping at Squalo.

"You'd rock a dress," Lussuria says musingly, turning an appreciative gaze on Squalo and petting his hair. Squalo gulps and inches away. Xanxus hums in agreement. He would.

"Crossdressing for sex is not drag." Bel tells them snidely.

"But drag is for sex." Fran points. "Transitive relation."

"Stop saying things no one understands, honey," Lussuria pets Fran's knee. "It's not attractive on a pretty face."

Fran gives him a look.

Squalo hums "Trim it, prim it, dress it, mess it" under his breath.

They all drink when Pikachu gets excited over a random patch of grass.

"Never have I ever got whipped by my own hair." Bel shoots back, and Squalo awards him with a nasty look, drinking his beer sulkily. Then he pointedly ties his hair up, the ribbon a striking contrast to the pale grey.

"Well, at least I didn't have a Yamamoto Meets the Wall Moment." He tells Bel, whose satisfied grin falters.

"Cut your bangs," Squalo advises, and Bel sends three knives his way.

"The Hair's a statement."

"Ooh, let me guess, you're telling the world it's ugly by not looking at it?"

With a flick of his wrist, the knives go back from where they hit the wall, embedding themselves deeply into Squalo's back.

"We don't hit from the back." Levi informs Bel. "It's not honorable."

"Honorable my ass." Bel mumbles with a grin.

"VOOOI! You little son of a-"

Grudgingly, and hopefully covertly enough not to disrupt the ruckus- Xanxus drinks too.

Everyone knows he has a gun, but they still stare like deers caught in headlights, the banter forgotten. "What?" he barks. Seriously, he has a gun. "Feathers and hair extensions don't bide well with excessive movement."

Before the information sinks in, they all have to drink twice because of fuzzball. When Xanxus leans down to snatch the beer standing lonely on their carpet, Squalo runs his hand through his hair with a calculating expression. His hand goes through the short hairs at his nape, all the way up the shaggy spikes at the top of his head. Xanxus wonders if he's getting old, because he doesn't resort to violence right away. He just gives Squalo a weird look, a combination of wtf and srsly dude?. Squalo raises an eyebrow at him, tangling his fingers deeper before letting go. Xanxus is left with the feeling shooting him now will be a tasteless and juvenile response.

So he settles back on the sofa and pulls at the ribbon on Squalo's hair.

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Kids."

"You know, muttering silently doesn't really work for you." Levi observes quietly. Fran tells him an interesting fact about his mom.

"Don't you speak like that!" Lussuria scolds, slapping Fran's knee. Bel pierces his left shoulder with a knife without moving from Fran's side.

"Get away from my pillow."

"It's nice being furniture in custody." Fran tells him fondly.

"Pillow's no furniture." Xanxus tells him.

"Pi-ka-" they all chug the booze. "Chu!"

"Never have I ever participated in a sexual encounter." Fran says later.

A heavy silence falls upon them, and the stupid "Let's save the day!" tirade from the television seems to echo in the large space of the hall. They all carefully drink their beers, avoiding looking at Fran askance, or looking at him at all.

"That was good kid," Xanxus tells him. Everyone nods grimly, admitting that yeah, okay, the little shit got them good.

"Being with a virgin in the room's embarrassing," Levi mutters with a blush spreading from neck to forehead. A murmur of agreement spreads around the room.

Lussuria turns on Bel, a thin eyebrow on the verge of his hairline. "Your reservation is worthy of respect." He tells him. Bel bares his teeth.

"It's not my reservation." He says, turning to pointedly glare at Fran.

"No relationships between co-workers." He says with a shrug. Xanxus considers it a feat- the hat practically prevents all possible movement, especially in that position- half squashed into the armrest by Bel's weigh. "It leads to quarrels and prevents a healthy working environment."

"Pika Pika!"

"Gah."

"Someone should off him."

"Let's leave it to you, then." Xanxus grumbles, because it seems like a valid suggestion. "Off you go." Xanxus makes a vague gesture with his hand. Levi gives him a dubious look. "Someone, shove him into the television."

Squalo does. Levi's face leaves a trail of drool on the screen, which Xanxus orders him to clean. Squalo scowls, tells him he's an ass, but uses Levi's shirt to wipe the spit off. When Levi finally lands on the carpet, shirt wet on the back, he tells Xanxus he's an asshole.

Xanxus doesn't really care. When Levi adds "But I still love you" softly, he throws his glass at his head. It breaks with a satisfactory crack on his skull.

They drink twice before Lussuria says, "I've never bottomed."

Squalo drops his glass. "You're shitting me."

Lussuria's lips curl in a small, predatory grin, and he shifts his way onto one arm, successfully sprawling on the carpet, body luxuriously lax. "I am not, darling."

While they're talking, Xanxus sips his drink. Squalo's head whips towards him, eyes as wide as saucers. "Now, you are totally shitting me." Xanxus tells him his words may cost him his life. Squalo shuts up.

"Boss, you're officially less cool than you were before this round." Fran tells him earnestly.

Bel's freaky laugh adds to the murmur deafening Xanxus' ears. It's not that big a deal. Xanxus is a practical kinda guy- and really, it's just not comfortable topping someone who might as well be godzila. "He was taller," he grumbles, and the rest burst into laughter.

Levi perks up, eyes shining in determination.

"So who was it?" Bel asks.

Xanxus flips him off and declares the topic off limits. He'd be damned before he discusses his sex-life with this trashload.

No one says a thing, and they settle to watch Pokémon, curiosity oozing from them all in waves. After a few minutes, they break into a heated argument about whether Ash has grown at all since the first season. Xanxus settle back onto the soft leather, sipping on his drink. Squalo settles himself between his legs, leaning his back against the sofa while sitting on the floor. He tilts his head backwards, hair falling off his face and pooling all over Xanxus' lap. "Who was it?" he asks.

Xanxus must be really drunk because he answers, "Dino."

That sends Squalo into a feat of laughter so strong he doubles over, wheezing. He mumbles something that sounds like ohmigawd over and over. Everyone stares at him, uncertain whether they should take pictures or slowly inch away, because Xanxus doesn't look amused and, well. Xanxus has a gun.

He kicks Squalo in the ribs, but he just rolls over onto his back, staring at the ceiling and cackling madly.

He turns his head towards Xanxus and says, "He's 1.83"

Xanxus promptly drops his drink onto his lap. Then everyone's laughing, and there's no stopping it. Xanxus growls, gets up, and stomps over to Squalo, wet pants and all. He lifts him by the hair, but Squalo doesn't look scared. He looks like he's taken a ton of happy pills with his alcohol. Xanxus throws him against a wall. Or at least he meant to, but his aim's shit when he's drunk, so Squalo ends up happily giggling into the sofa cushions.

Xanxus sits down on the floor, legs crossed at the ankles, and settles for hitting Squalo's head rhythmically. Bel braids Squalo's hair, leaning heavily against Fran's chest.

"Never have I ever been cuffed," Levi says. "You guys suck at not getting caught."

Bel laughs. "I've put other people in handcuffs, too" he says between sips.

Even Fran drinks.

"What didja do?" Levi asks him, confused. "You're usually so careful."

"He caught Bel's eye," Xanxus tells his dense employee.

"And Bel caught him back," Squalo adds.

Fran plays nervously with the material of Bel's shirt, because it's the closest thing he can get to. Bel's got his other hand pinned beneath him, and being sprawled on the rest of him leaves not many an option.

Lussuria frowns. "Did you lie about sex?"

La-gasp.

Fran gives him a level look. "Being tied to a bed for four hours doesn't mean we actually did anything."

"And how awful is that?" Bel asks, sniffing theatrically.

Levi sniffles as well. "I know, right?"

Bel gives him a calculating look. Even without seeing his eyes, Bel fairs quite well in facial expressions. His mouth pulls down, with the barest hint of bared teeth. "How exactly do you know?" he asks sweetly, pulling a knife out of his pocket. Levi gulps.

"No, I mean, I know how it feels not to get laid-"

The knife grazes his cheek, leaving a deep enough cut to bleed. Bel smiles. "I'm sure you do."

Lussuria's grin is terrifying and makes the hair on Xanxus' arms rise in alarm. "I've never sent nude pics of myself to someone by mistake."

"You have nude pictures of yourself?" Fran's voice seems strained, his face pulled in a grimace. Lussuria gives him a smirk.

Fran turns away from him with a shudder. Nudging Bel, he says "Drink up."

"It wasn't by mistake," Bel grins at him. Fran turns an unhealthy red. Squalo laughs again, lifting his head to drink. His hair's a mess, but the braids Bel has made make it look intentional. 'Wild' or something; Jungle style.

Xanxus cocks an eyebrow. "Who?"

Squalo grins around the glass rim. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Xanxus blinks, quite surprised that he actually would. "Get over yourselves, lovebirds," Bel hoots at them.

"Look who's talking," Squalo says with a glare.

"Rubbing it in," Levi mutters approvingly.

A knife almost hits him square in the forehead. "Touché."

"I've never called someone the wrong name while doing it." Fran says.

"But you've never done it!" Squalo protests.

"Which is a shame," Bel mumbles under his breath.

"True, but some of you did." Fran says with a smirk, ignoring Bel.

Levi and Lussuria drink. With a long, suffering sigh, Bel entangles himself from Fran to down his own poison. He slumps back down way to quickly and nuzzles Fran's neck.

"You are all awful people." Squalo huffs at the three of them.

"That's kind of the point in being a criminal, cupcake," Lussuria informs him.

"I've never dyed my hair." Levi offers.

"Obviously," Xanxus says, drinking. Squalo and Lussuria drink as well.

"I knew it!" Levi cries, pointing at Squalo. "I knew the Allen Walker look wasn't natural."

Squalo stares at him, unimpressed. "At least I managed to achieve it without having a monster hand."

"Allen's fake hand pwns your fake hand, sempai." Fran tells him, all somber and shit.

"If Bel wasn't so fond of you, I'd have felt obligated to cause you harm, kid."

Bel smirks.

Fran rolls his eyes. "I can take you on, sempai."

Levi snickers. "Yeah, you'd end up fighting imaginary monsters for days. Like that last guy."

Xanxus throws an empty bottle at him. "We don't talk 'bout the last guy."

They all nod. Levi mumbles an apology.

"I've never been in love." Lussiria offers. There's a collective snort of dubious laughter. "One night stands are not love, darlings."

They take four more drinks because someone forgot to put the television on mute.

"Never, though?" Levi asks when they're done.

Lussuria just shakes his head sadly. He looks like a sad, kicked puppy that had been forgotten in the rain. Xanxus wants to hit him.

No one drinks.

Besides Xanxus and Lussuria.

Then the dubious laughter erupts again. "Boss, the 'hole point's not lyin'." Bel slurs at him. Fran nods beside him, his chin hitting the top of Bel's head.

"'m not lying."

"Uh-ha."

"Is it me?" Levi asks, all hopeful and sparkly and blushing like a thirteen year old chick. "It's me, right?"

"No, honey, it's Squalo." Lussuria tells him softly, sneaking a comforting arm around his shoulders. Levi sniffles pathetically, blinking away tears.

Xanxus snorts. "It's not."

"Uh-ha."

"Shut up."

"Uh-ha."

Xanxus gives Fran a look. "What? I agreed."

"Uh-ha," Lussuria murmurs, laughing.

Squalo is silent. He is a heavy weigh against Xanxus' legs, pliant, and looking all sorts of stoned. Xanxus huffs. Finding someone occasionally attractive and thinking they're an awesome swordsman is not being in love.

Also? Xanxus doesn't do love.

Squalo huffs a 'Shut up, bitches' and leans back, his hair pooling on Xanxus' legs again. The light from the screen tints it blue, and it shimmers silver in the dark. Xanxus tangles his hand in the stray locks, pulling a little.

He looks to the side, and there's Bel and Fran, comfortably making out. Bel's face is buried in Fran's neck, but Xanxus and the neighbors five-hundred kilometers away can probably hear the smooching. Fran doesn't seem to mind.

Squalo sighs. "It's about damn time."

Lussuria hums in agreement. Then his eyes cut to the side, curiously peering into Xanxus' own. He makes a vague gesture with his hand. Go on.

Xanxus isn't sure who moves first, and perhaps it doesn't even matter. They meet each other half way, in a clash of lips, tongues and teeth, too heated, too close. He doesn't breath for a while, and it burns in his lungs and swims in his head, vision slightly blurred at the edges and unfocused all over. When they part to breath, Xanxus takes one huge gulp of air and bounces right back, pulling at Squalo's hair and ravishing his mouth.

"I've topped Dino, you know?" Squalo huffs between kisses.

His laugh is airy, and Xanxus can feel it against his lips.

"Yeah?"

Xanxus doesn't let him answer.

Fin

(Fer Realz)

A/N: I had fun with this piece, but it's very different from what I've written so far. It's been a while, and my style and interests have changed- but I hope you've still enjoyed reading the third and final part of this series. I've never thought it'd become as popular as it did- and I thank you guys for it. The friend I originally wrote this fic for has demanded a third part for practically a lifetime- so here it is- the tale of the mafia drunkards :P