Christmas Remembrances

Rating: T

Summary: Bella recovers Christmas spirit by remembrances from the past

Song: Merry X-Mas, John Lennon

Disclaimer: Author does not own the song, or any public/recognizable characters, including those from Twilight, by S. Meyer


"Mommy, is it time yet?"

"No, honey. Come back to sleep, it's still too early."

"I don't want to wait anymore. Do you think Santa didn't send me anything this year?"

"Of course he did, sweetheart. But you can only open it when the sun rises."

And I woke up with tears rolling down my cheeks for third time this week. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest and my hands trembling as they reached my hair. Looking around I recognized my old room with purple walls and old pictures. My old house in Forks was freezing more than usual and all I could see through the window was white and cold. Feeling my stomach twitch I had the urge to run to the toilet and throw the hell up again.

That's what you'll get for the next seven months. I thought sarcastically before getting up from the cold floor to brush my teeth. After my bathroom routine, I looked in the mirror. For the first time in many years, I was glowing. There was not a smile on my face or any signs of extreme happiness, and sure, my pregnancy must've helped, but I could feel it through my skin. I could see my brown boring eyes sparkling and the flush on my cheeks – which I've hate it for the majority of my life – now was making me feel healthier.

All of this was pretty new to me. Christmas were not supposed to make me feel that good about myself. And with that thought I felt the guilt growing slowly in my mind. I shook my head trying to block it out. I went back to my room and got changed before touching my belly trying to feel any moves – even knowing that I wouldn't, because I was only two months pregnant. But I had gotten into that habit as soon as I was told the positive results.

As I walked to the first floor, I could see Edward and my dad arguing about the fireplace again. That fireplace was as old as this house, and this house must be more than a hundred years old sor so, according to my mother. My head was a recordable book – as Edward uses to say. I couldn't think about anything without losing my mind in thoughts that I shouldn't have. Renee, my mom, was a journalist and was killed in an airplane accident coming back from New York when the Twin Towers went down. Unluckily she got the wrong flight.

"Honey, take care. Mom will be back in a week. And don't let your dad sleep on the couch please"

That was the note she left before left home. The last message. And I waited for her call telling she landed ok. I was only sixteen and I've had the most devastated year of my life. I was just barely recovered when I went to college and met Edward. But I had to be the strong one between me and Charlie – my stubborn dad. Christmas still was the hardest holiday; because it was Renee's birthday. We used to cut the cake by midnight singing and giving her more presents than was necessary. After the accident, we were laying on our respective beds by ten.

Edward and I've been dating for four years. He finished college last fall and I'm finishing the next semester. He was the love of my life: my man, my best friend, my everything. He was almost the exact opposite of me, but we had the same tastes in most things. From favorite band to favorite ice cream flavor. I was pure patience when he was thundering. But he was all sunshine to my morning fretfulness. And there he was, trying so hard to not laugh at my own dad when he tried to light up the fireplace and didn't work.

We've spent the last three Christmas' at Edward's family house. I didn't feel too bad in a place full of happy people, always trying to distract myself all night and drinking too much to remember my mom's birthday. My dad never wanted to go, and after the first two times of trying to get him to come too, ended in an argument, I didn't ask again. I couldn't see him that way anymore. This year was different, though. All the Cullen's would be here. They were staying in a Port Angeles hotel and must be coming to Dad's house any minute. I couldn't drink and Charlie couldn't escape. This will be interesting.

I sighed returning to the present and went closer to my guys.

"Morning guys." I kissed my dad on the cheek. He was too busy concentrating on the fireplace to even look for me, but mumbled something in response. I turned to Edward and he opened my bright smile and kissed my lips quickly.

"How are you, my love?" he asked putting me closer to his body.

"Besides morning sickness? Good. I think I'm getting use to it." He laughed briefly and put a hand on my stomach.

"That was his Christmas present" he joked stroking my skin. I couldn't see any pregnant belly yet. But every night, Edward would kiss it and say it good night, making me embarrassed looking at him talking to my stomach. We were very excited even being too young to be parents. But I trusted him. We would be ok.

"He?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Or she" he bitted his lower lip making me salivate. My sexual appetite was huge and I couldn't control it. I was terrified. I was horny all the time and attacking Edward twice in the middle of the night to make love to him. Of course he was all for it and laughed at me when I was horny ten minutes after.

"I quit." Charlie gave up the fireplace and looked at us clearly sulkily.

"It's ok, dad. We have the heater on already." He mumbled a little more and stared at us again.

"Don't smash my grandson, ok?" he pointed where Edward's hand was. We laughed and he left the room.

"Your family is on their way?" I asked tracing my fingers along his jaw.

"I guess. Did you sleep well? You were very agitated last night" he looked at me concerned.

"A bit. I had those dreams again." I sighed knowing that he probably didn't get good sleep. "Three nights and the same dreams. Those memories from my childhood when I was five. How can I remember those things?"

"Your unconscious is like a sponge." He explained simply.

"I'm sorry you didn't sleep well" I apologized, hugging his neck as he stroked my back.

"Don't apologize for that, my love. I get you, you know that?" I could feel his smirk in my cheek as I laid my head in his chest. I nodded knowing that he did get me. Always.

"You can put the red ones and I put the gold ones, ok?"

"But mommy, I like the gold ones more."

"Ok, then. You can put the gold ones"

"But… I, I want to put all of them!"

"And what am I suppose to do? You already decorated all the Christmas tree!"

"You can tell Santa that I want a Barbie with skates. Purple skates"

"Ok, it's a deal".

I felt someone pushing my body slightly and bringing me back in the present again. The memories were so vivid and clear that sent a shiver through my spine. "Sorry" Alice mumbled running in the kitchen to catch Matt. Her son was this adorable little devil boy with his dad's blond curls – Edward's brother, Jasper – and Alice's energy – his wife. They lived in California so we didn't have too much contact, but I knew they were amazing parents and lovely friends. The good energy was filling the house with laughs that didn't happen in a long time.

The dishes were almost done. Everybody helped in the kitchen and we did it all really fast. Esme and even Carlisle – Edward's parents - helped me with dinner while Rosalie – Jasper's twin sister – made the dessert. I've never had really witnessed the "construction" of a Christmas night at the Cullen's I usually arrived at night with everything already set up, so I was now experiencing new situations that could change the distorted view I had about this holiday. I looked over my right shoulder and smiled at them. I was happy after all in a date I thought I would never be able to be anymore. Even Charlie was laughing at Emmett – Rosalie's husband – while they watched the game on TV. Happy things were finally replacing my sad memories. I wished my mom was here with us and by my side seeing all of this and being glad about my pregnancy.

Damn mood change! I blamed feeling my eyes watering. I felt hands circling my waist and recognized Edward's smell at the same time his chin touched my shoulder. It was like he knew when I needed him.

"How about a shower?" his hot breath warmed my skin through the sweater. I nodded in response and we went upstairs quietly.

We climbed in the hot shower smiling at each other and I felt beautiful in his eyes. Edward always made me feel beautiful. We had our issues in the beginning like every couple in the world. But the trust between us has never wavered. These past few weeks Edward has been extra careful about what he says and does. I could tell by the way he thought about saying something and opened and closed his mouth several times. Not only because my swing moods. He knew my history and got all supportive about it.

"Geez, I can't stop crying even in the bathroom. What? I can't take a shower now?! Argh!" I was frustrated and he started laughing and pressed our bodies together looking all bright as sunshine again.

"You don't know how much I enjoy seeing you like this. You're fucking shining all the time, your boobs are bigger – not that I didn't like them before, but you know… I'm a jerk." He got confused about what to say next and looked away.

"You're not a jerk. My breasts are huge. I'm looking like a cow. Big deal" I rolled my eyes half smiling.

"Don't say that about them. They can hear you, ok? They have feelings" I laughed harder jerking my head back. Only he could make me happy this way. "Don't listen to her, guys" he joked covering my breasts with his hands.

"You're so silly, honey." Edward laughed and kissed me calmly paying attention in every move we made. Sometimes I doubted about his existence. He was surreal. His brother used to say he was a snappy, pain in their asses, but I've never saw him like that. Maybe I was the calm he needed and he was the light I've looked for. Just like that.

"Let's make the cake, mommy! Please! Please!"

"And why do you want to make cakes, sweetheart?"

"Because it's your birthday, duh!"

"Oh, I was wondering if you forgot about it. You didn't give me a birthday kiss."

"No, I did not forget. And the birthday kiss is only by midnight, silly mommy. But we'll cut the cake after dinner, won't we?"

"You're so smart. I'm proud of you, you know that? I love you, my baby doll."

"I love you too. Now can we bake the cake?"

"Yes, we can bake the cake."



"I would never forget your birthday cake".

I put down the necklace remembering the cake. After making love to Edward in the shower, I went to my dad's bedroom where all of her stuff was. I've been doing that for years. My dad always makes sure nothing is out of place. And now recalling the annual birthday cake, my throat got dry and my chest was bouncing. It's funny; things we used to promise as a child still have a huge impact on you when you recall them. I was starting a family, creating a future for my own child, and getting all nostalgic. How could I expect my son or daughter to do the same things I did with my mom, - like preserving the friendship and loyalty as the most important thing in a family - when I overlooked my own promises? That couldn't be right. I caught myself wondering if I would be good as a mother as my mom used to be. I didn't know.

"Excuse me, dear" I heard Esme's voice calling me.

"Come on in" I said sniffing lightly. "I didn't hear you knock". She smiled brightly like Edward.

"It's ok. You seemed a little distracted all day long. Is everything all right?" I nodded.

"A little nostalgic" I confessed. There was no logic in not telling her the truth; she has always been there for me.

"I figured." She smiled sitting next to me and took my hand. "I know that pregnancy can be a bitch sometimes. Just so you know that you're not alone, dear. I truly love you, my son and my future grandchild. All that you guys have been through is pretty hard. But you will be amazing parents. Loss brings strength, and you're stronger than anyone downstairs."

"Thank you, Esme. It means a lot to me." I said fighting back with tears.

"You're welcome." She sighed smiling. "But I'm not here to give you more reasons to encourage the mood swings. I found something at home that could be useful for the baby."

She showed me a little box that I didn't notice until that moment. I opened to see a pair of little white shoes.

"I wondered if you already bought something, but thought that I could get you this."

"It's perfect, Esme! Really, thank you." I felt my heart melting with love.

"You're welcome, sweetie" she kissed my cheek and left the room saying something about getting Carlisle ready properly.

Here is where my real life begins. I've been prepared to become someone important for whom I love, and I have everything I wished for. Even without my mom, I have amazing support behind me. I had to believe that.

With rescued hope, I kept the shoe and told my baby "Let's go, sweetie. We have a cake to bake."

I wasn't wrong. I was really surprised with all the precious moments I was having. Dinner was fantastic and funny. I saw my dad looking straight at me across the table and we shared knowing glances without breaking the smile. Alice tried to calm Matt down, he started to play with forks and knives and jumping in the chair until Jasper said calmly that Santa would give him a sock full of coal.

"Really, daddy? I don't want coals. I asked for a bike" he looked innocent almost making my heart like jelly.

"It's that what you'll get if you don't stop."

"I will stop, then." And he calmed down.

"Thank God" Alice said under her breath.

We tried hard not to laugh at that situation until we saw Emmett hiding his face on Rosalie's shoulder, trembling at laughing too hard. These were the little moments that made my Christmas the best. Matt slept in Jasper's lap and they decided to get back to the hotel. And at about midnight, it was just me, Edward and my dad in the house. Charlie was snoring on the couch with the TV on when I made my way to the kitchen finishing the cake. David Cook started to sing "Happy Xmas" by John Lennon on some Christmas special event making me smile and I hummed the lyrics while I put the candle on the cake.

"Hey my bright snow princess" Edward called circling my waist. "Hmm, cake!"

"For her, you know?" I half smiled. "Now for us"

"We can start a tradition if you'd like to" he rested his chin in my shoulder holding me tighter.

"I would love to" I turned my head meeting his lips slowly. He stroked my arms and I smiled breaking the kiss to look at my watch. He took the match and lit the white and red candle.

"Make a wish" he whispered in my ear with one arm still holding me. I closed my eyes blowing out the candle.

"Happy birthday mom. Merry Christmas".