"Marky. Oh Marky. Marky Marky. MARKY!"
Mark jerked awake so fast that he almost pulled something in his back. "Jesus Christ Lawson!" he growled. "What the fuck do you want?"
"Why is it called mistletoe when it's not a missle shaped like a toe?"
Mark blinked several times before sitting up to stare incredulously at his lover. "Tell me you really did not just ask that," he said. "Seriously, you woke me up just to ask that dumbass question?"
James pouted. "It is not a dumbass question!" He looked at the mistletoe in his hands. "It's a serious question that needs to be answered." He kept pouting for a minute before leaning over towards Mark and dangling the mistletoe up above their heads. "Oh wait, would you look at that? It looks like we have to kiss now."
"The only thing I feel like kissing you with is my fist," Mark grumbled. He didn't do that though. He just let James devour his mouth and hoped that meant he could go back to sleep afterwards. Of course, since this was James he was dealing with, he should have known better than to hope for any such thing.
"Hold this," James ordered, dropping the mistletoe on Mark's chest. He rolled off the bed and walked over to the dresser. He opened one of the drawers and put on a Santa hat. "How do I look?"
Mark grinned. James was completely naked except for that hat. "Ditch the hat and you'll look ten times better."
James rolled his eyes. "I can't ditch the hat. It's almost Christmas! I have to get all festive and shit."
Mark shook his head. He had never met a serial killer that got into Christmas as much as James did. Then again, James and the boys were the only serial killers he knew, so he should have been used to it by now. "Lawson seriously, take off that hat and come back to bed. You--"
"Dad we have a pr--holy shit!" Cooper made the mistake of walking in without knocking and his eyes paid for it. "Uh....did I just walk into some kinky role playing game that I don't want to know the details of."
"No," Mark replied. "James is just being weird."
James glared at him. "I am not being weird! I'm being festive!"
"Yes, because Christmas is about you being naked in a Santa hat."
"Exactly." Either James missed the sarcasm in that statement or he was deliberately ignoring it.
"Okay, now that I've been scarred for life once again, can we focus on what I came up here to talk to you about?" Cooper asked. "And could you please put some pants on Dad?"
James sighed dramatically. "Fine! If you insist..." He grabbed a pair of his boxers and slipped them on. "Happy?"
"Estatic," Cooper replied.
"So what's the problem you were trying to tell Daddy dearest about?" Mark asked.
Cooper shook his head. "You'll just have to come out and see it for yourself. You won't believe me if I tell you."
Mark did not like the sound of that. He slipped his own boxers on and he and James followed Cooper downstairs. It didn't take them long to see what Cooper was talking about. Right in the middle of the living room was a sleigh, eight reindeer hooked up to that sleigh and Snoopy (who was wearing a red fuzzy clown nose and did not seem happy about it). "What the fuck is this?" Mark asked in disbelief.
"I second that question," James said.
Connor came in carrying a giant net. "Out of the way!" he snapped. "Don't look at my sleigh you dirty infidels! You're going to corrupt it!"
James looked at Cooper. "Please explain to me where he got this stuff."
"You mean the infidel thing or the sleigh and reindeer?" Cooper only asked that to be a smartass.
"Boy, we know he got that damn infidel thing from Achmed the Dead Terrorist," Mark said with a roll of his eyes. "What we want to know about is the sleigh and the animals."
Cooper shook his head. "That's something you're going to have to ask him. I haven't been able to find out the answer to that yet."
So all eyes turned to Connor. Connor glared at them before sighing. "It's all a part of my plan," he said like it was the most obvious fucking thing in the world.
"What plan?" Cooper asked.
"My plan to catch Sandy Claws."
Mark groaned. Not this again. Connor had this obsession with catching and killing Santa. Yes, at twenty two years old, Connor still believed in Santa. But he didn't believe that Santa brought him presents. Oh no, that had ended when he was seven and Cooper broke the news to him that the presents were really from James. What he believed Santa did was sneak in the house, take some presents away, and then tried to either take the people's souls or internal organs (the belief changed from year to year and Mark had a hard time keeping track of the details).
"Damn it Connor, I'm only going to tell you this one more time: Santa is not real!" Cooper said in exasperation.
Connor glared at him. "That's what he WANTS you to think Cooper! That's how he gets you without you knowing it!"
"Can you please just tell me why there are reindeer in my fucking house?" James asked Connor. "That is what is fucking concerning me at the moment here."
"They're here because they're going to help me catch Sandy Claws," Connor explained. "I've tried to catch him in the fireplace but that's never worked. "And I've tried booby trapping the doors and windows but those didn't work either."
"Yeah," Mark muttered. "The only thing you've ever managed to do with those is almost kill Glenn more times than I can count."
"So I decided that I'm going to beat him at his own game," Connor said, going on like he hadn't heard Mark at all. "I'm going to take these reindeer and make them fly up in the air and I'm gonna knock Santa's fat ass right out his sleigh! And then we'll see who's the ho after that!"
"Dude, these fucking things won't be able to fly," Cooper informed Connor.
"They will if they know what's good for them," Connor growled. He looked down at Snoopy, who had gotten the red nose thing off of him and was now trying to eat it. "NO! BAD SNOOPY! YOU CAN'T BE RUDOLPH IF YOU EAT YOUR OWN NOSE!"
James raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you afraid that the other reindeer are going to squash Snoopy?"
"No," Connor replied. "They know better than that. Right AIDS?"
Mark frowned. "Uh..."
"Oh, I forgot to introduce you to them!" Connor said, shaking his head. "They're names are AIDS, Herpes, G.W., Syphilis, Gonorrhea, E.D. and Viagra."
James blinked. "Do I even want to know what G.W. and E.D. stand for?"
"Genital Warts and Erectile Dysfunction."
"Damn it, I should have just left the subject alone." James turned around. "I'm going upstairs to play my Batman game and those fucking things better be out of my house by the time I'm done Connor."
Connor stuck his tongue out but quickly put it back in when James turned around. "Yes Daddy."
"Wait, what about the Christmas shopping?" Mark asked James. "You were supposed to come with me today."
"I don't wanna do it. Make Cooper go with you."
Cooper frowned. "Wait, why do I have to go? I don't want to go!"
"Too bad. You're going." Mark wasn't going to leave any room for negotiation on this subject. He grabbed Cooper by the hand and began dragging him out of the house.
Mark opened the door and took one step out before running back inside. "Holy baby Jesus! I fucking need to put some pants on!"
James smirked. "And a shirt and some shoes wouldn't be a bad idea either."
Cooper howled with laughter as Mark ran upstairs. "Dumbass!"
"Shut up boy!"
"Make me asshole!"
"Wait!" Connor shouted. "I want to go too!"
Mark sighed. This was going to be one interesting trip to the mall.