AN: Yes, I know they don't celebrate Christmas in the SW universe, but I couldn't resist this urge. Think of it like a tongue-in-cheek play or something where the SW characters play the parts in A Christmas Carol, kinda like in The Muppet Christmas Carol (which happens to be one of my favorite holiday movies). Anyway, I don't own Star Wars, of course. I don't own A Christmas Carol either, though that story's in the public domain since Charles Dickens died ages ago. Still, it seemed polite to credit him anyway, even though I'm butchering his story.
"A Star Wars Christmas Carol"
Lando was dead, to begin with. Dead as a starship's hatch. Not only merely dead, but ever so sincerely dead. In life, Lando had been business partners with a well-known mean guy whose last name began with an S.
But he wasn't the mean guy you're probably thinking of.
Lando's partner was named . . . Anakin Skywalker.
"What?? You're making me the Scrooge character??"
Well, yes Anakin. After all, you have a troubled past, just like Scrooge, you lost your girlfriend just like Scrooge, you get bitter with the world just like Scrooge . . .
"Yeah? Well I'd like to see Scrooge in a podrace or a lightsaber fight. That guy probably couldn't even lift a lightsaber, yet alone fight with one."
Look, we don't have time to argue, okay? You're Scrooge, deal with it.
"And what will you do if I don't?"
I'll tell everyone that you sleep with a toy Ewok.
"Gah! All right, all right, I'm Scrooge! Bah Hamburg."
Anyway, as I was saying, when Lando was alive, he had been partners with an incredibly greedy, selfish person named Anakin Skywalker. Their business firm, set up on the planet Coruscant, would lend out money to people with incredibly high interest rates. Most of the time people couldn't afford to pay the loans back, in which case Anakin and Lando would take away their houses or something valuable like that. They really weren't very nice at all.
"All right, that's enough, they get it."
Well excuse me, Anakin, I'm just trying to narrate here.
"So long as we're talking, I have a question."
All right, but make it quick – it's getting awkward for the narrator to be talking to a character.
"What's a humbug?"
What do you mean "what's a humbug"???
"What is a humbug? If I'm going to play this Scrooge guy I'd like to know what my lines mean."
Uh . . . just a second, let me get a dictionary . . . okay, it says here that a humbug is a fraud, a phony, stuff like that.
"So basically I'm calling Christmas a fraud?"
"All right, you can get back to the story now."
Okay, go back to your money counting desk thingy. Now, as I was saying, Lando had been dead for seven years, but Anakin never bothered to have his name painted out of the sign outside, since he liked to save money whenever he could. So the sign still said "Skywalker and Calrissian," even though Anakin now worked alone. Well, he didn't work completely alone – he still had his awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome clerk, Han Solo.
"That would be me!"
Yup, say hi to everyone, Han. Anakin's clerk rocked harder than anyone could possibly imagine, but Anakin was too stupid to realize that and so he treated Han like dirt.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!"
Uh-oh. Have you been bad, Han? It looks like your wife is calling.
"Yes, I'm calling! What do you mean by casting Han as Bob Cratchit??"
Uh . . . well, come on, he was a good choice . . .
"Hey sweetheart, she thinks I'm awesome, what more do you need? Jealous because you'll be playing the small part of Mrs. Cratchit?"
"Casting you as a moneylender's assistant is a JOKE. You couldn't handle money if your life depended on it!"
"I could so!"
"Oh yeah? Then how did you get yourself over your head in debt to Jabba the Hutt?"
Hmmm . . . you know Han, she's got a point.
"For that matter, who's the breadwinner in our house? Me! I would be much more qualified for this role."
"You're forgettin' that your gender works against you there, sweetheart!"
Hey come on Han, we're equal-opportunity, and she's brought up some very good points here. Give me an hour or two to analyze them . . . oh wait, we're in front of a live audience. Okay, Leia, Han, you're switching parts.
"WHAT?? You ain't SERIOUS, are ya?"
"You heard her, honey."
"But what happened to me bein' awesome??"
Han, I'm sorry, but my decision is final. You'll be the Mrs. Cratchit character. Now go get ready for that role – there's a dress backstage.
"I'm gonna get you for this, sweetheart."
"Watch it or you'll sleep on the couch again."
"Grrr . . ."
All right, a slight change in the story. Anakin's clerk was in fact a woman, and her name was Leia Organa Solo. While she wasn't quite as awesome as Han, she was still awesome in her own right and she was probably smarter and more responsible than Han.
"I heard that!"
Just ignore Han, everybody. Now where was I? Oh yes, Anakin treated his clerk like dirt. He payed her minimum wage even though she had a husband and a bunch of children to support. He even made her work on Christmas Eve every year. And it's on a Christmas Eve, seven years to the day since Lando's death, when our story begins.
Snow was falling all over Coruscant, which brought bitter cold with it, but most people hardly noticed, for they were getting ready for the biggest day of the year – the celebration of Christmas. There was laughter, singing, and a general sense of merriment all throughout the planet.
That is, all throughout the planet except for one place.
In Anakin Skywalker's office, everything was as dismal as ever. There were no windows, which meant that neither Anakin nor Leia could see the merriment outside. Anakin only had enough light on for them to see their work, and no more. Worst of all, Anakin refused to turn on the heat, which meant that the bitter cold from outside seeped into the office.
"Boss," Leia said after she had been working in the freezing temperature for hours, "can't we turn on the heat?"
"No," Anakin said in his gruff, mean voice. "You know the rules – we don't waste money."
"You'll waste plenty of money if we freeze to death while working," Leia retorted as she blew on her hands. "This is ridiculous."
Anakin looked up and glared at her with his incredibly mean glare. "Mrs. Organa Solo, do I pay you to complain?"
"You hardly pay me at all," Leia grumbled, blowing on her hands again. "My parents wanted me to be a politician, but noooo, I had to pick this line of work because I didn't want a job where people were always getting on me. The irony!"
If it was possible, Anakin gave her an even meaner glare. Oh boy, was he ever mean. Mean, mean, mean. So mean you wouldn't believe it. He wasn't just the meanest of the mean – he was the meanest of the meanest of the meanest of the mean. You're a mean one, Mr. Skywalker, you really are a heel . . .
"All right, all right, we've established that I'm mean, okay?"
Sheesh, Anakin, who's the narrator here?
"Look, can we just get to the part where Nephew Fred comes in? I'm getting bored here, and so is the audience."
Fine, fine. Okay, it was then when they heard a knock on the door. Before Anakin could even get up to answer the door, in burst Anakin's nephew, Luke Skywalker.
"Hey Dad, isn't this neat? I'm your son in real life, but here I'm playing your nephew!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever, I've already got my daughter playing my employee."
Guys, don't get out of character here. As I was saying, Nephew Luke was a fun, happy guy who always looked for the best in everyone, even his incredibly mean uncle, so he paid him constant visits at work. Of course, that might have been simply to annoy him.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle Anakin!" Luke exclaimed as he scampered through the office, dripping melted snow on the floor.
"Christmas?" said Anakin. "Bah Hamburger!"
No, no, NO, Anakin! It's humbug! HUM-BUG!
"Well excuse me! Why don't I just say 'Bah Phony' – it's easier for me to remember."
Are you NUTS?? "Bah Phony" doesn't have a good ring.
SO, "Bah Humbug" happens to be the most IMPORTANT line in the ENTIRE story. If you change it, you ruin everything!
"Uh, hey, can we get back to the story? I think some people might be clicking the Back button."
Okay Luke, you're right. Well, Luke wasn't phased by his uncle's meanness at all – in fact, his smile grew even wider.
"Christmas a hamburger – uh, I mean humbug?" he chortled. "Surely you don't mean that!"
"Of course I do," said Anakin. "And you'd think that way too if you had any sense in you. It's just a stupid time where everyone acts like little children and spends money they don't have on frivolities. If I could work my will, every idiot who went about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart."
"Wow," said Luke, "that's a nasty thing to say to your own nephew."
But Luke still wasn't flustered, even though his uncle was being so mean to him.
"But I'm still not flustered," said Luke, "even though my uncle is being so mean to me." He extended his hand to Anakin. "Come on, dine with us tomorrow."
He might as well have invited Anakin to walk barefoot on some hot coals with him. Actually, Anakin might have preferred the hot coals to dinner with his nephew. "Dine??" Anakin exclaimed. "DINE?? With you and your pretty little wife who brought you no money when she married you?"
"Yes," said Luke. "So are you coming?"
"Just why did you marry her again?" said Anakin.
"Why? Because I fell in love, of course."
Anakin smirked. "That's just plain stupid."
"All right, all right. So are you coming or not?"
"Hmm," said Anakin, "how can I put this politely . . . absolutely not, I wouldn't be caught dead having Christmas dinner with you and your wife."
Finally Luke appeared hurt. "Well fine," he said, "you'd probably ruin the party anyway." He turned around and stomped out of the office, but as he opened the door, he let in a pair of droids. One was a tall, golden-plated protocol droid, and the other was a short, blue and white astro droid.
"Skywalker and Calrissian's, I believe?" the protocol droid said in a proper accented voice as he hobbled up to Anakin. "Do I have the pleasure of addressing Master Skywalker or Master Calrissian?"
"Lando Calrissian has been dead for seven years," Anakin said in a disinterested manner. "Who the heck are you?"
"Oh yes," said the protocol droid, "allow me to introduce myself. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2."
The astro droid beeped a friendly hello.
"Uh-huh," said Anakin, "and what the hell are you doing here?"
"Oh, thank you so much for asking, Master Sykwalker," said 3PO. "We are collecting donations for the poor and homeless. You see sir, there are many beings out there who don't have the common necessities that you humans require. Since this is such a festive season of the year, it seems appropriate that we should contribute something to those less fortunate, don't you agree?"
R2 beeped in agreement.
"So there aren't any workhouses?" said Anakin. "No prisons?"
"Uh, of course there are, Master Skywalker, but what does that have to do with anything?"
Anakin smirked. "Well, from what you said it sounded like something had shut them down."
"Uh, yes, Master Skywalker," said 3PO, "but anyway, what might we put you down for?"
The R2 unit immediately erupted into a string of angry beeps, probably shouting some very foul words at Anakin in droid language.
"Now now R2," said 3PO, "there's no need to get upset. This gentleman simply means that he wishes to remain anonymous." He turned to face Anakin. "Isn't that right, sir?"
"No," said Anakin, "what I wish is to be left alone. As you said yourself, there are prisons and workhouses – if people are too lazy to get themselves a decent job, they should go there."
"Oh, but Master Skywalker," the protocol droid wailed, "some would rather die!"
"Well if they'd rather die, they'd better do it," said Anakin, "and decrease the surplus population!"
Woo boy, was Anakin ever mean.
Mean, mean, mean.
R2 shouted even more foul words at Anakin in his beeping language, and this time 3PO didn't try to stop him. "Oh dear, oh dear," said 3PO, "please, Master Skywalker, I do hope you will reconsider."
"I won't," said Anakin. "Now would you please go away so I can get back to work."
Leia dug her fingers into her forehead and shook her head.
R2 blew a mechanical raspberry at Anakin before rolling towards the door, still beeping out foul-mouthed insults.
"Oh dear oh dear," 3PO said again, hobbling after his counterpart. "Please R2, do come back, I'm certain he will change his mind if we only talk to him a little while longer."
But R2 had already left the room. After 3PO followed him out, Anakin quickly rose and locked the door, ensuring that they couldn't return.
Did I mention that he was mean?