AN: Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and reviewing as always. Well, I said this fic would be finished before next Christmas, and it's technically not Christmas yet, so I kept my word.
"A Star Wars Christmas Carol"
It took the Gungan a good half hour before he got back to Anakin's place, since he was dragging a two-ton dead bantha by its leg. "Ooooh," he groaned as he dragged the bantha up to Anakin's door, "meesa tinkin meesa getting hernia from this."
Anakin met him at the front door, dressed in his finest suit, the one that Boba Fett would have stolen if that future had come to pass. "Ah, finally," he said.
The Gungan was panting so hard that he looked like he was about to faint. "Oh . . . oh . . . meesa here . . . now where meesa money?"
"Patience," said Anakin. "First we need to get this bantha to my clerk's place.
"WHAT? Are yousa NUSTY?"
"Now come on," said Anakin, "you want the money, don't you?"
"Yeah, meesa want the money," the Gungan muttered.
"Good," said Anakin, "follow me."
So the, er, reformed Anakin led the Gungan down the streets of Coruscant, greeting people and wishing them a Merry Christmas all the way, and it wasn't long before they ran into a pair of familiar droids.
"Oh dear!" C-3PO exclaimed. "Run R2, it's Master Skywalker!"
"3PO! R2!" Anakin exclaimed. "So nice to see you, my friends!"
R2 beeped in confusion while 3PO wailed, "Oh my! This is simply dreadful! Master Anakin has lost his mind! R2, we must get him to the insane asylum before he destroys us!"
R2 then rolled up to Anakin, beeping loudly, and rammed him in the butt.
"OW!" Anakin exclaimed. "Hey, stop that!"
"Come along, Master Anakin," said 3PO, "you are quite unwell, we must get you to a mental institution."
"No, wait," said Anakin. "I'm not insane."
"Heesa good now!" the Gungan called from behind Anakin, still dragging the bantha's leg, huffing and puffing. "Heesa gonna given me money!"
"Oh," said 3PO, "well in that case, Merry Christmas, Master Skywalker, I am so very glad to see that you have changed!"
"Thank you," said Anakin. "Now, if you'll let me, I'd like to make a late donation to your cause. Put me down for . . ." He began whispering where he thought 3PO's auditory sensors were, though they might not be in the place where our ears are. Hmm, where are his auditory sensors anyway?
Uh, well anyway, 3PO squealed with joy when he heard Anakin's offer. "Oh my goodness, no one has ever donated such a large sum before! R2, we're rich!"
"What?" asked Anakin.
"Uh, I mean, the poor are rich!" 3PO quickly said. "R2 and I certainly weren't collecting money for ourselves under the guise of giving it to charity! Now come along R2, let's go to the bank – I mean, the poor!"
And with that, they hobbled and rolled away, not giving Anakin a chance to ask any more questions, but he just shrugged and motioned for the Gungan to keep following him.
When they finally reached Leia's apartment, the Gungan looked like his heart was ready to give out, but he kept on going for the sake of money. He didn't even complain when Anakin motioned for him to hide both himself and the bantha before he knocked on the door. By the way, this was totally not inspired by The Muppet Christmas Carol.
"I'll say it again, you're pathetic."
Two words Anakin: CLOWN SUIT! Anyway . . .
"LEIA!" Anakin shouted.
Leia opened the door a crack and peeked out. "Boss? What the HELL are you doing here?"
"What does it LOOK like I'm doing here?" Anakin growled. "You weren't at work this morning, so I'm here to give you what you deserve!"
"What I DESERVE?" Leia exclaimed. "Not that you've noticed, but it's CHRISTMAS, which means I'm entitled to the day off. Oh, and not that I'd expect you to remember it, but you GAVE me the day off yesterday."
"WHAT?" shouted Anakin. "Why the HELL would I do such a thing? Now listen here Leia, you've given me trouble for the last time!"
With that, Han suddenly burst through the door (again, totally not inspired by The Muppet Christmas Carol). "So you're the famous Anakin Skywalker? Well I don't care WHO the hell you think you are - you've got NO right to burst in here on Christmas Day!" He shook his fist at Leia's boss. "I'm gonna give you three seconds to get your ass outta here, got that? One . . . two . . ."
Leia put her hand on her husband's shoulder. "Han, let me handle this." She glared at her boss. "I don't care who you think you are - you have NO right to burst in here on Christmas Day!"
"Copycat," Han muttered.
Anakin growled at them both. "Now look Leia, I've put up with this long enough. You leave me with no choice but to . . ." He paused for several seconds in order to get a dramatic effect, but he actually ended up looking like he forgot what he was going to say.
"Well?" said Leia. "Get on with it!"
Anakin's jaw fell open. "You ruined my dramatic mood!" he whined. "How am I supposed to do the big surprise now?"
"What surprise?" said Leia. "I already know you're firing me."
"Firing you?" Anakin exclaimed.
"FIRING her?" Han exclaimed, immediately darting forward and snarling at his wife's boss. "Look sir, we got kids, and lots of them, and not that a rich guy like you would notice, but the economy's really shitty right now. You wanna make a bunch of kids starve to death? Huh? Oh wait, you probably DO wanna make kids starve, nevermind."
"Sheesh!" said Anakin. "Look, I WAS gonna raise her salary and give you guys food and stuff, but since you don't seem to want that, maybe I WILL fire her!"
Leia and Han both just stared at him for a moment, trying to process that information.
"Trying to process the information? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
It means you can't believe what your boss is saying, Leia.
"It sounded like it meant that we couldn't understand what he said. How stupid do you think we are?"
Sheesh Leia, for someone who begged for this part, you're sure complaining about it a lot!
"Me? You're the one making everyone act stupid here!"
It's called comedy, Leia. People HAVE to act stupid in a comedy - otherwise no one would laugh!
"No one's laughing anyway. In fact, given that you haven't updated this story in almost a year, I doubt anyone's even reading this anymore."
Why you . . .
"Um, hey, if you want this to be the last chapter, maybe you should get on with the story instead of getting into yet another argument with a character?"
Well Ani, for once you're right. As I was saying, Leia and Han were so shocked and overjoyed that they didn't know what to say. When they were finally able to speak they started laughing. They laughed and laughed and laughed for several minutes until they ran out of breath.
"I'm serious!" said Anakin. "I'm going to raise your salary and pay your son's doctor bills! Thanks to me, your son's not gonna die! What do you say to that?"
Leia and Han just kept laughing. "So what else?" Leia said between chortles. "I guess you also have a bantha to supply us with food for the next month?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!"
That finally shut the couple up. Their eyes widened as Anakin motioned for the Gungan to drag the bantha up to them.
"Oooh," the Gungan groaned, "meesa back hurt, meesa shoulders hurt, meesa everything hurt!"
"Good job!" said Anakin, slapping a bag of money into the Gungan's hand. "Here's your pay for a job well done."
The Gungan panted loudly as he took the money, and then he fainted on top of the bantha.
"Well, enjoy," said Anakin.
"Wait, aren't you gonna stay here and help us with this thing?" said Leia, picking up the bantha's leg.
"Nope," said Anakin. "I've got to go have Christmas dinner with my nephew, but I'll come over and see you sometime soon. Expect a big fat Christmas bonus in your next paycheck!"
So Anakin left the Solos to deal with the huge bantha and the Gungan who had fainted on top of it. He sang Christmas carols all the way to his nephew Luke's house - in fact, he was still in the middle of singing when he knocked on the door. Luke was greeted by a loud, "Fa la la la la, la la la LAAAAAAA!" when he answered the door.
"What the hell?" Luke exclaimed.
"Merry CHRISTMAS, nephew!" shouted Anakin, throwing his arms around Luke. "I've come for Christmas dinner!"
For a while Luke couldn't speak because Anakin's hug was squishing his lungs. It wasn't until Anakin finally let go of him that he was able to react.
"What?" he gasped. "Who are you, and what did you do with my uncle?"
Anakin just laughed and laughed and laughed like a drunk person. "The person your uncle once was is dead! That's right, dead, dead, dead! And he's never coming back!"
"You MURDERED my uncle?"
"What's going on?" Luke's not-Mary-Sue wife asked from the living room.
"Rianna, get in here!" Luke called. "Some crazy guy who looks like my uncle murdered my real uncle!"
Rianna quickly darted into the foyer, gripping her pregnant stomach. "What the hell?"
Anakin just kept on laughing as if it were a big joke. "So this is your lovely wife. I've always wanted to meet her." He took her hand and kissed it in a rather creepy manner. "And you're expecting a baby? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, I didn't think my uncle would care, quite frankly," said Luke. "And by the way, since you seem to like interrupting the narrator, maybe you could be the one to tell her that this is getting really soulless really fast?"
Soulless? What the hell do you mean by that?
"Well you're having me think that my uncle's been murdered, for one thing. For another thing this entire story has been completely devoid of Christmas spirit. It's just been you arguing with the characters nonstop and butchering one of the most beloved Christmas stories of all time!"
Look Luke, what do you know about Christmas spirit? They don't even celebrate Christmas in your universe!
"Oh yeah? Then how come we had an official holiday special and a Christmas album?"
Doesn't count. They both sucked.
"Guys? I think we've gone off on a tangent here."
Yes Ani, we have. Now, as I was saying, Anakin had dinner with Luke and his wife and they all had a wonderful time. By the time the day was through, Luke barely remembered what his uncle had been like before - all he wanted to remember was the benevolent person his uncle had become.
"Wait, so I have amnesia now?"
Shut up, Luke. As I was saying (yet again), Luke and Rianna were so happy that they even said they would name their baby Anakin if it was a boy and Annie if it were a girl.
"That was a short dinner."
Yeah Ani, well this story's been going for years and I'm sick of it being unfinished and it's almost Christmas yet again so I'm wrapping it up.
"Still, you only devote one sentence to me having dinner with Luke when all this other random nonsense got paragraphs and paragraphs?"
Yes. Now shut up before I make good on the clown suit threat that people probably don't even remember I made.
Well, you all know the rest of the story. Anakin is better than his word and he becomes as good a friend as the good old planet ever knew, or any good old planet in the good old galaxy. Tiny Tim lives and Anakin becomes like a second father, however that works. Seems Han and Leia should be at least a bit uncomfortable with a guy who was formerly the nastiest guy in town suddenly taking such a big interest in their son, but whatever. Everyone lives happily ever after. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
"Wait, you're seriously going to end it like that? After you made me act stupid over and over, you're not even going to give me a decent ending?"
Shut it, Ani. Episode 7 is a reality now and I've got a ton of fanfics to get out of my system before they officially become AUs.
"Episode 7? Hey, am I going to be in it?"
Doubt it. You're dead, remember?
"Hey, that didn't stop Obi-Wan!"
Fine, talk to someone about appearing as a ghost and giving Luke or Luke's kids or whoever Jedi advice or whatever.
"Am I in any of the other fics you're working on, or are they just your usual Han-obsessed gibberish?"
"Yeah, gibberish. I swear, I've never seen anyone so obsessed with a character as you are with Solo. Even my fangirls aren't so crazy."
Watch it Ani, need I remind you that you froze my Han?
"See, you call him your Han. Need I say more?"
Ani . . .
"And you stare at your action figures of him."
Ani . . .
"And you repeat his name to yourself just because you like how it sounds."
Hey, at least I wouldn't turn to the dark side if a maniac told me that was the only way to save him!
"What? HEY, people LOVE me when I'm dark side!"
Ani, I swear if you keep this up I'll make you a sparkly vampire in my next fic.
"You wouldn't DARE . . ."
I'm the one with the laptop here. If you're nice to me I MIGHT consider making you a sagely ghost in this big fic idea I have.
"So what? It will take you a million years to finish it anyway. Episode 7, 8, 9, and anything after that will all probably be old news before you're done."
GO. AWAY. ANI. Or I'll turn you into a sparklepire RIGHT NOW!
"Okay, okay, I'm going!"
All right, we're done. I'm going to go write something where the fourth-wall barriers are locked and no characters are allowed to talk to the author. I've never been so happy to say this: