An Author Fighter's Christmas Carol
Me: Uh…hi. It's Christmas season, the time of year when everyone feels close together and gets that warm feeling inside. Well, this is the second time I've made a parody for Christmas, but THIS year, I'm doing probably one of the most iconic. Hope you find it satisfactory! I've gotta go prepare for my part!
TLSoulDude production brings you…
A parody of one of the most iconic Christmas stories of all time…
Starring X Prodigy, DarkMagicianmon, Lunatic121, Roscoso, The Nostalgia Critic, Hanabi Hyuga, TLSoulDude, and Sylar…
An Author Fighter's Christmas Carol
Chapter 1: X Prodigy
A dragon-like raptor thing was standing next to someone who looked like an angel. Both of them were tending a stand, offering apples.
"Granny Smith, Mackintosh, and Golden Delicious." The dragon, Dimensiondude, called.
"Get 'em while they're here!" the angel said, chomping on an apple.
"I doubt we can sell any if you keep eating them, Soldier." D-Dude stated.
"Scarcity, D-Dude. Think outside the box." The angel shrugged before taking another bite.
Dimensiondude sighed before noticing that the fic is being read by you, the reader.
"Ah, greetings! I am here to tell the story." Dimensiondude stated.
"And I am here for kicks." The angel added.
"My name is Charles Dickens." D-Dude introduced.
"And my name is Angelic Soldier." Soldier finished before noticing something about Dimensiondude's introduction, "Hey! You're not Charles Dickens!"
"Yes, I am." D-Dude retorted.
"Charles Dickens was a nineteenth century novelist." Soldier explained, "A friggin' genius!"
"Look, this is a story. Just go with it," D-Dude stated, "Or do I have to unleash the rabid crotch-biting wildebeest again?"
"That…won't be necessary, Chuck." Angelic Soldier said, apologetically.
"Alright, time to get to the story." Dimensiondude said before beginning, in an eerie voice, "The Nostalgia Critic was dead to begin with…"
"WHAT?!" Angelic Soldier asked, dumbfounded.
"Don't worry, he's not REALLY dead. It's just the story." Dimensiondude explained, "As dead as a doornail. In life, Nostalgia Critic was the partner of a shrewd money-lender named X Prodigy."
"And here's where we let the story take its course for now…" Soldier said.
A man with red hair and clothing walked out, a Sparda sword was strapped to his back, and he was wearing a Hollow Mask. THIS was X Prodigy. He noticed three people playing instruments—a white hedgehog, a girl with pale eyes, and a man with dark hair.
"Could ya give us some dough?" the hedgehog asked, "We're barely able to make end's meet."
X put a coin in there, but, as he was walking away, pulled a string, causing the coin to jump out and back into his hands.
"DUDE!" the hedgehog shouted.
"That's just twisted." The girl growled.
"Say he'll live to regret this." The man advised.
"YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET THIS!" the hedgehog shouted before realizing what he said and wheeled over to the man, "Thanks a lot, now I look crazy!"
X grinned under his Hollow Mask. For some reason, seeing the trio's suffering gave him immense pleasure. He walked over to his place of business—a money-lending store. D-Dude and Soldier followed him to the store.
"Jeez, can't see anything through these windows…" the dragonsaur growled before cleaning it with one of Soldier's wings.
"Oh thank you." Angelic Soldier said, sarcastically, "You're so kind…"
Inside the store, X Prodigy noticed his employee—a man in purple armor and had a head full of blue hair and matching eyes—he was standing in front of a fire.
"DarkMagicianmon!" X shouted, the man immediately, "What the heck are you doing?"
"Trying to warm up a bit." The man, DarkMagicianmon, said, apologetically.
X Prodigy sighed in exasperation as he walked in front of DM. The Hollow Devil pointed to his jacket and asked, "What is this?"
"A jacket." DM replied.
"And this?" X asked, gesturing to his shirt.
"A shirt." DM answered.
"These are called clothes, DM. They were invented to protect humanity from the harsh elements of nature…and to hide our more personal features." X stated.
"The less we think about your personal features, the happier we'll all be." Stated a man at about twenty with dark hair and glasses. He was Glyre Shygym.
"Another thing." DM said, "The Shygym Brothers have asked for some spare coal for the fires."
"It's freakin' SUBARCTIC in here!" shouted the second eldest Shygym brother, Ken, who was rubbing his arms.
"ALL MY QUILLS ARE FROZEN!" the youngest Shygym brother, Ryan, said through chattering teeth.
"How would the Shygym brothers like to be suddenly…" X Prodigy then shouted, at the top of his lungs, "UNEMPLOYED?!"
"HEAT WAVE!" the three brothers shouted, dressed like Jamaicans, "This is my island in the sun!"
The three then dispersed to do their various jobs.
"I…think you convinced them again…" DM stated.
Outside, Soldier whistled, "This guy's got 'em well-trained."
"Well, if you rule them with an iron fist, what else would you expect?" D-Dude asked.
Back inside, X Prodigy sat down and began taking in the day's income.
"X Prodigy lived his life alone, with no children and no relatives except for his nephew, Ross." D-Dude narrated.
A man with purple hair and a red shirt rapped on the door. DM walked over and opened it.
"Oh, hey, Roscoso." DM greeted.
"Hi, DM." Ross said, "How's Hikari?"
"She's doin' good." DM replied.
"THIS leech again?" X sighed, mentally.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle X Prodigy." Ross said, walking over to X.
"Crap." X Prodigy said, "Why'd you come here?"
"Do I need a reason to swing by my uncle's place on Christmas Eve?" Ross asked.
"Yes." X Prodigy deadpanned.
"How would you like to come over to my place for Christmas dinner?" Ross asked.
"Crap." X Prodigy simply said.
"What was that?" Ross asked.
"You heard me…" X Prodigy said, venomously, "If I had MY way, any moron who went around with 'Merry Christmas' would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart."
"Ouch." Ken simply said.
"Well, even if Christmas never made me a dollar richer or a point smarter, I WILL treasure it, no matter what." Ross said, proudly, "Even outside of Christmas' origins, which is sacred, it is still a time of love. So, I say, Merry Christmas."
DM began clapping his hands while the Shygym brothers began whooping.
"Give it to 'im!" Glyre shouted.
"That's the ticket!" Ken whooped.
"Show him a hard time!" Ryan exclaimed.
"He's got nothin'…" Soldier said from outside.
"I wonder how people spend Christmas ON THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE?!" X Prodigy shouted. The Halfa and Urban Warriors stopped and returned to their business.
"I stand corrected." Soldier sighed. He then looked to the door, which was still open, "Let's get in! It'll be warmer in there!" The angel and Dragonsaur bolted in as the door got closed. Soldier began to shiver, "Actually, I think it's COLDER in here…"
"I know how you feel." D-Dude replied. He HATED the cold. The Dragonsaur then shot some fire at the coal to try and improve the temperature before continuing, "Now, at this time of year, it was traditional for charity workers to collect money for the needy and homeless."
Three people then walked in. One was a big, red, muscular man with sawed-down horns, a right hand made of red stone, a trench coat, black pants, and a large gun strapped to his side. The second one was short, had a red coat, blonde hair, yellow eyes, and gloves. And the last one was dressed in a red and blue suit with several guns and swords on him. They were the Men in Red: Hellboy (Hellboy), Ed Elric (Full Metal Alchemist), and Deadpool (Cable & Deadpool).
"Who're you?" DM simply asked.
"We're from the government." Hellboy replied, "Collecting charity."
"Yeah, because the rich bankers can't afford to buy the good cars they want." Deadpool explained, "So, we're supposed to get it for other people by makin' 'em feel sorry!"
"Ignore the nutjob." Ed stated.
"Do ya know where we can find X Prodigy or the Nostalgia Critic?" Hellboy asked.
"You're a bit late for Nostalgia Critic, but X Prodigy's over there." DM replied.
The three walked over to the Hollow Devil and Pokemorph.
"Hey, we're from the Men in Red Secret Service." Hellboy said, "And, as such, we're forced to walk out of our homes and collect charity to those…LESS fortunate."
"Well, you've come to the right place." Ross grinned, "X is VERY generous to donations."
X Prodigy gave Ross a 'leave-me-out-of-this' look before asking, "Ross, aren't you late for something?"
"Unfortunately, yes." Replied Ross, "So, I shall make MY donation…" Ross handed some coins to Ed, "And I'll be going now."
"Thanks." Ed said.
"Oh, Uncle." Ross said, turning around to X, "Come have Christmas dinner with Marissa and me."
"Why'd you even marry her?" X asked, "She didn't make ya any richer."
"Why?" Ross asked, as if this was the silliest question imaginable, "Because I fell in love."
X snorted, "Only thing that makes less sense than 'Merry Christmas'."
Ross walked out as the Men in Red returned their gaze to the Hollow Devil.
"So, what should we put ya down for?" Ed asked.
"Nothing." X deadpanned.
"What, you wanna be anonymous?" Hellboy asked.
"NO, I wanna be LEFT A-FRIGGIN' LONE." X shot back.
During the following conversation, Deadpool was thinking…
'Will Bella go for Edward, which is now pretty much decided? Or will she go with Jacob, the guy with an ACTUAL personality? Either way, I can still kill the guy and take her. Man, these Dickensian suits SUCK. Would it kill these guys to stylize their clothes? Which one is better, Diet Coca Cola or original Coca Cola Classic? I mean, Diet's healthy and all, but original's got the flavor…'
"Aren't there any poorhouses or prisons?" X asked.
"Unfortunately, yes." Ed replied.
"Good. I thought something stopped them in full-force." X said.
"Deadpool tried it, though." Hellboy stated, "It didn't work."
"My money goes to the poorhouses and prisons. Send the poor THERE." X Prodigy stated.
"But…many would rather DIE!" Ed said, dumbfounded.
"If they'd rather die, then they'd better DO IT and decrease the surplus population." X replied, coldly.
"I think I prefer Coca Cola Classic." Deadpool said.
"Alright, I've had it." Hellboy said, "Let's get outta here."
"What?" Deadpool asked as he was dragged out by Hellboy and Ed Elric.
"Wow…that guy IS cold." Soldier simply said, shivering, "Not NEARLY as cold as this weather, though."
X pulled the wreath down and heard something outside. He opened the door to see a bipedal, Siberian tiger wearing Hawaiian clothes (despite the weather). The tiger, Xemnas1992, was singing.
Xemnas1992: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride a…one horse…open…sleigh?
Xem looked up at X Prodigy, who was glaring at him.
"WHAT?" X asked, irritated.
"Uh…spare change?" Xem asked, nervously.
"Oh, I'll spare you SOMETHING…" X stated.
Xem immediately found himself sailing through the air.
"WHAT DID I DO?!" the Roswellian asked as he landed in a snow-bank.
Back with X Prodigy, the Hollow growled as he returned to his seat.