A ß on Bella's report card leads to domestic troubles. Jacob makes a cameo. AU. One-shot. All canon pairings. REVISED.
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Bella Gets a ß
I smiled as the smell of freshly baked cookies wafted toward me. I may not have been human, but Esme's cooking was simply divine.
"In the kitchen, dear."
"Hello, darling." She stood on her tiptoes, reaching up to kiss me.
"How was your day?" She asked warmly, shrugging me out of my doctor's coat with one hand and sliding a second tray of chocolate chip cookies into the oven with the other.
"Not for long," Esme sighed.
"Why not?" I asked, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles one by one.
"Don't keep that up, Romeo. Don't you know what day it is?"
"Better yet," Esme gave me a grim smile. "Report card day."
I was in the kitchen, fanning a batch of cookies and watching my husband read the paper when I heard two car engines and seven voices coming up the driveway.
"And…so it begins," I muttered, scowling slightly.
"What's in the cookies?" Carlisle asked as the voices drew nearer.
"It's Peruvian sloth – I thought it would calm them down. Let's see."
Emmett came through the front door, roaring with boisterous laughter.
My husband eyed me skeptically. "Don't bet on it."
"Welcome home!" I called as the children let themselves in.
One by one, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Bella congregated in the living.
"Well," Carlisle looked genially around. "Let's see them; Esme will bring the cookies around."
"Blood bites, excellent," Emmett grinned, grabbing a handful off the tray.
"Pig." Alice said witheringly, her delicate nose wrinkling with disdain.
They all handed their report cards to Carlisle who read them off with detached pride.
"Alice, all As. Jasper, all As. Edward, As, of course. Emmett, really? As." Emmett made a mock bow. "Rosalie, all As. Bella, As…and one B."
Emmett took this moment to spray the others with sloth as he doubled up with laughter. Jasper, more discreetly, tried to hide a grin. Bella's face flushed pale (at least we didn't have to worry about Jasper killing her now).
Edward put his arm around her. "Don't worry, Bella. Bs are great!"
Bella bit her lip. "Did you ever get a B?" She asked, her lip drooping in a pout.
Lie! I screamed at Edward in my head.
He looked hopelessly around at me and mouthed, I promised.
I covered my eyes with my hand, disgusted. Whipped as dog.
"No, Bella. I've never gotten a B."
She covered her face with hands and made a strangled noise. Jasper next to me was chuckling silently.
"It's not fair," Bella howled. "I thought after I became a vampire, it would all come naturally."
"Bella, darling, the only reason the others are so flawless, is because they've already done this five or so times. High school, like everything else, comes with practice," Esme told her, sweetly.
"A B is great, you know." Rosalie put in sympathetically. "B for best. B for better. B for Bella!"
I sneered. "It's a good thing you were never a cheerleader, Rose."
"I don't want a B. I worked hard" - Emmett nearly choked on his blood bite - "and it was one lousy B. I wanted an A! A for admirable! A for astounding…A for vampire," she sobbed.
"No wonder she got a B," I sniggered. "She can't even spell."
Edward aimed a punch to the side of my head, but Alice pulled me out of the way in time.
"That smart mouth is going to get you and Emmett in big trouble someday," Rose told me severely.
"Yeah, right. Besides, what would you know Rose, you're blond."
Tick, tock. Tick, tock
Rose seemed to swell up with rage right before our eyes. I grabbed her hand, trying to calm her down.
She ripped er hand out of mine. "What the hell are you trying to say, Jasper?" Her tawny eyes glittered dangerously.
Edward rolled his eyes. "Rose, calm down. And Jasper – what's wrong with you? You're blond, too."
Jasper reached up and took a lock of his hair and studied it curiously, like he'd just realized that he had flaxen hair.
"Don't worry, Bella," Edward turned back to his wife. "We'll get it changed. I'll bribe Mr. – he glanced at the report card and the color rose in his face. When he looked back at her, he looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh. "You got a B in gym?"
I laughed so hard I choked on another blood bite as it was going down. Rosie had to stuff her fist in her mouth to stop her giggling.
"Gym?" We all repeated blankly as Carlisle did a ruthless version of the Heimlich on Emmett. "Bella – how?"
Emmett frowned at Carlisle. "You didn't have to be so rough about it," he whined.
Carlisle cleared his throat with a noise that sounded like a guffaw, but said sternly. "Actually, it's quite simple, I believe. We all remember how uncoordinated Bella was when she was human?" We gave a short laugh and response, except for Bella, who wept dryly, and Edward who was trying to cheer her up. "Well, it does seem apparent that the quality of hers that was chosen to be enhanced was her clumsiness."
Bella gave a distressed wail. "You mean I have to go around being a damsel in distress for eternity?" She cried.
"I'm afraid that's what it looks like," Carlisle told her solemnly.
"I told you not to become a vampire," I said in a sing-song voice.
"So did I!"
We all glanced up – Jacob Black was standing in the doorway at the entrance of the house.
"What the hell are you doing here, mongrel?" Edward started to get up.
"Bells – you can't say I didn't tell you – told you so!" He grinned. "Too late now. I'll see you later, lamb-chop – I have go do fun things to your daughter."
"I am going to murder him!" I snarled. How dare he make fun of Bella – and Nessie, God, why did she have to like him?
Bella's sobs reminded me of the more pressing matter.
"Bella, sweetheart – it's okay, really. Like Esme said, the only reason we do as well as we do is because we've repeated high school so many times," I told her patiently. "Besides, it's only the first quarter – it's the semester that counts – you still got plenty chances to get in Harvard or wherever you want to go – we got all the time in the world."
"And all the money, too," Alice chirped, hugging Bella.
"Damn kids," Carlisle grumbled. "Why don't you all get your own jobs?"
"Oh, Carlisle, hush." Esme swatted his shoulder.
I heard Nessie come in.
She pranced up to her mother, smiling brightly, "Mom! I got my report card today. Look! All As!"
Written just for fun after I got my own B-marred card. Enjoy. (Do you love the varying POVs? Let me know in a REVIEW!) For clarification, the POVs, in order from the beginning, are Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and lastly, Edward. This joke actually inspired me: in . answers . yahoo question / index? qid = 20080106220709AAncvKw. This I tried my hand at humor and had a little inspiration from my own life, haha. There are worse things in the world than a bad report card. Remember that, parents! :D