A/N: I'm not one to write Transformers Christmas fics (this is my first) but this idea kept bugging the hell out of me. I don't know if there is any fic out there that is similar to this-- If there is I didn't know and wasn't trying to copy or outstage you. Despite the tone of the fic which is something of an Anti-Christmas fic, I actually enjoy Christmas as much as the next person.
This is a shameless Christmas parody not meant to be taken seriously so please don't kill me. (Begins construction of impenetrable steel-plated igloo fort anyway.)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this fic.
Thundercracker should have kept walking by; he should have never asked what was bothering the morose Stunticon, but he couldn't help but to stop and steal a glance into Dead End's quarters as he passed by, trying to make sure that he had actually seen what was on Dead End's computer screen. It was exactly what Thundercracker thought it was. Lighting the dark room was a familiar human movie dedicated to this time of the human's annual cycle.
A Christmas movie.
Christmas, an odd holiday with a conglomeration of many different traditions/rules to follow. A human holiday that had found it's way into the cyber world-- although many of the Decepticons used it as an excuse to inebriate themselves. Over the years the Decepticons began to adopt the customs out of curiosity behind Megatron's back, which made celebrating the holiday even more exciting and provided a sense of danger and thrill -- especially when they were inebriated.
All in all, the reason they did it was because it was something to get rid of the curtain of boredom that haunted the Nemesis. This year Megatron and Soundwave were off the base, discussing plans with Shockwave on Cybertron-- a perfect opportunity to celebrate.
Thundercracker recognized the movie Dead End was watching; it was one of the must-sees of the holiday-- as well as a personal favorite of his.
Frank Capra's 'It's a Wonderful Life'. A film that featured a simple, giving man rediscovering his worth in the world. Thundercracker's optics panned down to Dead End's table top and he noticed that he was watching several other Christmas movies. Data pads with notes were also on top of the table in front of the Stunticon. Thundercracker's optical scanners flickered from Dead End to the film, noticing that he was staring at the movie like a science film; leaned back in his chair with his arms and legs crossed.
"Are you enjoying the film Dead End?" asked Thundercracker, breaking the mech's deep concentration.
Dead End turned to see the blue Seeker in the door and turned back to the screen. "I am actually analyzing the film," Dead End stated a matter-of-factly.
"Yes... along with these other movies," Dead End said, his hand waving to the films on his desk.
"I don't mean to be nosy Dead End but... why?"
Dead End looked at the Seeker. "I am searching to find the reason how this holiday is merry," Dead End explained. "I'm still searching for the positives."
"What do you mean?" Thundercracker asked.
"For instance, let's use this movie here as my first example," Dead End said, nodding to 'It's a Wonderful Life'. "This human discovers that his life touches so many others as his wingless accomplice points out, yes? But if his life touches so many, imagine how devastated the lives he touched would be if no guardian angel prevented him from jumping off that bridge. Why does the human have to resort to jumping off the bridge to find the meaning of Christmas?"
"Well that's the message of the story and besides a lot of humans die like that-- they call it life," Thundercracker countered. "And I don't think that he would have jumped off the bridge anyway when he has sparklings to worry about at home."
"And Mr. Potter; the old sour antagonist?" Dead End said. "He still manages to get away with George Bailey's 8,000 credits no?"
"Yeah but George Bailey doesn't go to jail," Thundercracker pointed out.
"But he nearly kills himself," Dead End retorted.
"Alright," Thundercracker said, scratching his helm. "What other Christmas movies have you watched?"
Thundercracker walked over browsed through the pile, catching the titles 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' 'Home Alone' 'Prancer' 'A Christmas Story' and a 'Christmas Carol' (featuring George C. Scott as Scrooge).
"Tell me why the 'Grinch Stole Christmas' is bad," challenged Thundercracker.
"First of how they treat him in the beginning. Second, if the residents of 'Whoville' were not so wrapped up in themselves, they wouldn't have needed an act of thievery to convince them of the point of Christmas," argued Dead End.
Thundercracker furrowed his mettalic eyebrows. He too had seen 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' and he didn't recall the fictional characters of 'Whoville' obsessed with the material side. Thundercracker grabbed the disc and inspected it.
"This is the newest live-action version-- the cartoon is much different and it does a better job of explaining the point of the story," Thundercracker pointed out.
"It's a remake-- how different can they possibly be from one another?" Dead End argued.
"There is a big difference," said Thundercracker.
Dead End paused before saying. "What is that human expression? Oh yes... 'You say tomatoe, I say tomatow.'"
"Alright fine, how about 'A Christmas Story'? What's wrong with it?"
"The child set himself up for failure. He shot his eye out with the toy of his desire-- especially after a month of constant laborious negotiations for it."
"That's the point-- it's supposed to be funny," said Thundercracker.
"I didn't find it funny," said Dead End. "I found it depressing."
"And Prancer?" asked Thundercracker.
"Depressing as well. I almost wanted to adopt that poor girl from that wretched father," commented Dead End. "Anything that is associated with Christmas seems to bring out bad parenting-- like in this one"-- Dead End reached over and held up Home Alone-- "Leaving a sparkling alone on the holidays to defend itself against two burglars from entering his home... imagine if he wasn't so resourceful."
"Fine I'll give you that one," Thundercracker huffed. "What about a Christmas Carol? The human discovers his faults and betters himself?"
"Yes... at a point in his life where he is starting to rust considerably," Dead End argued. "Why did the ghosts come when he was over 50 years of age? How many clients could the Christmas ghosts possibly have that fill up their busy schedule? Yes he bettered himself at the end-- but it couldn't have lasted very long. I have looked through the humans historical records and their life-expectancy for that time period was not very good."
Thundercracker sighed; starting to get a little annoyed. Thundercracker decided to change gears-- something that Dead End would have difficulty cutting down. "What about all the songs that the fleshies sing, surely that has to say that they are all feeling merry."
"I'm glad that you have brought up the songs. I found them the most troubling of all that is Christmas," Dead End said.
Thundercracker stiffened, feeling as if he had walked into a trap.
"First this one," Dead End said, reaching across his computer desk and clicking a button on his keyboard, playing the song 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer'. Thundercracker knew the song.; Rumble and Frenzy would replace Rudolph's name with Starscreams' and sing it every time the Seeker eventually succumbed from his dark quarters and joined them in their reindeer games.
"This poor character is not only born with a physical defect, but becomes a pariah and an object of humiliation by his fellow comrades and is only accepted when they discover him to be as useful as a fog light. And the idea of the persecution of the misfits with Rudolph, the glitched toys and the orthopedic elf is really troubling, especially when they are supposed to be living in a world of "-- Dead End scoffed-- "compassion."
Thundercracker's optic brows rose at Dead End's over-analaztion of the flying reindeer. He dug in his processor for something to say in response, but Dead End cut him off before he could gather a rebuttal.
"And these two songs I find to be quite the opposite of what I studied Christmas to be about," Dead End reached over and clicked play. As Thundercracker listened to the tracks 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' and 'Santa Baby'; the Seeker could sense what the next conversation topic would be about.
Dead End ended the songs so he could bring forth his assumption of what the songs really meaned. "I understand that humans are over-dependent on the need to procreate, but I also understand that Christmas is a time to strengthen the nuclear family bond that they share. Now how can this season be about coming together as a unit, when the females are clearly violating the rules of their bond and prostituting themselves out to this Santa Claus fellow? And isn't he himself already bonded?"
"I don't think all human females prostitute themselves out and I think you are looking into this too literally Dead End."
"Even so, these songs are sending the wrong messages to the human females, surely there are some gullible ones that believe that whoring themselves out to a plump human in exchange for material things has no consequences."
Thundercracker's lips parted as a stunned expression grew upon his face.
"And this other song which has me most concerned," Dead End said, once again clicking the button and playing another well known Christmas tune, 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'
"Listen to the lyrics Thundercracker," Dead End instructed. "Now tell me that being under constant surveillance doesn't have your concerned of this fellow's capabilities. Imagine if this Santa Claus was an assassin instead of a bringer of gifts."
"But he's not and even if he was an assassin I'm sure the human government would have captured him," Thundercracker argued.
"Yes, and despite how many years that the humans have known of his existence, they are still unable to locate him despite narrowing the region down to a position in the Arctic Circle known as the North Pole."
Thundercracker said nothing.
"And did you know that this Santa Claus uses sparkling labor to create the millions of toys for all the human children of the world?" Dead End added. "Caring and compassionate indeed. I have searched through these movies to get an estimate of how many sparklings-- elves he calls them-- are under his employment. I have rounded the number to 23. It would mean that they are deprived to forty minutes of sleep and one refueling-break each day."
"Ok, I've seen some of those movies too and they aren't sparklings, they are just small runts like Rumble and Frenzy and they are happy to make the toys-- they say all the time in those movies how much they like to make them!"
"A façade," argued Dead End. "I bet that Santa doesn't make a list for only the human children. And not only that, it seems that Santa Claus stops bringing gifts to children when they reach a certain age and thus believing that he never existed entirely; it is said that it brings psychological damage to the sparklings. Also Santa seems to be biased according to the humans-- he only brings gifts to the ones that believe in his religion. I'm sure that there are other children who deserve a gift more than the ones that are receiving them."
"I think you are getting a little carried away with this Dead End, why are you so interested in Christmas anyway?"
"Because I find irony intriguing," Dead End replied. "A holiday that is so geared to evoking joy has many unsettling faults to it. Another thing that I have discovered after looking through the human movies over a period of time is that the humans do not even know what Christmas is anymore."
Thundercracker's optics widened. He couldn't believe how serious Dead End was about this-- and how obsessive the usually passive Decepticon was! "How do you mean?"
"Humans have seemed to of lost the point of Christmas-- to come together. Now it seems that the human's corporations have helped in turning Christmas into a monetary nightmare, and thus leaving humans with a negative feeling."
"Well, humans are like that; too guilible for their own good," Thundercracker said. "But I'm sure that not all humans have overlooked it."
"Yes I know, they are part of the small minority of humans that are not moraless," Dead End said. "A small minority."
"At least there is still a minority," said Thundercracker.
"A small minority, Thundercracker," Dead End repeated. "The minority that believes Christmas is about Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Apparently, what I have seen through my research, Christmas is about two vastly different people-- Jesus Christ and Santa Claus-- and what I am having difficulty understanding is why the majority of humans believe more in Santa Claus than the one who died for their sins."
Thundercracker couldn't stop his face pulling into a puzzled, disbelieving and somewhat horrified expression. Thundercracker shook his head, almost as if he pitied the Stunticon.
"Dead End... you need a hobby..."
"I'm a Stunticon," Dead End shrugged. "Destruction is supposed to be my hobby."
A/N: Yeah, I know. I'm going to hell.