Grandma got run over by a Hoogong

An Evil Little Christmas Songfic

By: A J (& Irma Lair)

(Standard Disclaimer Applies, with profuse apologies after the fact!)

Lunch was over at Sheffield, and Irma's best friends were all waiting for her outside the K-Ship booth for 'Lair on the Air' to make a break for it after her noon show. The goofy girl had outdone herself today. Over the final week of classes before Christmas break, she'd played the old standbys: 'White Christmas' by Bing Crosby, 'Blue Christmas' by Elvis, and 'Let it Snow' by Dean Martin. But today, the final day of classes, she'd broken out all the goofy Holiday songs she'd been saving up all December.

Irma had run the gamut from Weird Al Yankovich to Adam Sandler, playing such gems as 'Wreck the Malls', 'Christmas at Ground Zero', 'The Hanukkah Song', and wrapping her show with "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer'. It was only made worse by the sight of Hay Lin's grandma Yan, in an encore performance as celebrity guest lunchlady, singing along … and dancing as she served up sesame chicken and pork dumplings.

Taranee, telepathically 'hearing' Irma seconds before she came out the door, snapped it open beforehand. "Ladieeees and … okay just ladies, presenting the one, the only, the irrepressible Irma Lair, off the air!" the Fire Guardian squealed.

The rest of the Guardians clapped politely, Hay just a little wilder than the others. W.i.t.c.h.'s best friend and ally, Elyon Brown, swept forward to give the Radio Disk Jockey a paper flower she'd folded during lunch, with a little 'X 12' tag dangling from the end of the stem. She made a great show of presenting it, and Irma pretended it was a real bouquet of flowers, holding it up for a sniff, sighing, and saying "Thank you, your highness," with a curtsey.

"So, got that out of your system now?" Cornelia asked with a smirk. She swept her hair back one-handed, and Irma gave her a wan smile.

"Oh, I think so, Corny. But you never know. There're a lot of Christmas parodies out there. One never knows when the muse will strike."

"So long as you don't unload one of those at our family holiday party, Irmy," the taller blonde girl sniped, taking off for Social Studies with Will.

"Ready for Art class, Elyon?" Hay giggled, holding up her bulging backpack. The Queen of Meridian smiled back.

"We'll see you two for French next hour," Taranee told them, then she and Irma took off for English class.

"Think they'll like it?" Elyon asked as she and Hay walked back past the cafeteria.

"Our own homemade Christmas cards? Who wouldn't?" the hyper Chinese girl returned. She and Elyon waved to Yan as they passed the door of the school's kitchen, where Yan and her Altermere twin 'sister' Mira were bustling about with the regular lunch-ladies, making some gift plates of Chinese up for the other staff and teachers to take home at the end of the day.


Two hours later, the six girls met again outside the front doors of Sheffield Institute, along with most of their boyfriends, who were a grade or more up. Taranee, Irma, and Cornelia snuggled up to their band-boy steadies, Nigel, Joel, and Matt. Hay and her long-time crush Eric exchanged Eskimo kisses through their matching Gryffindor scarves, which they'd gotten before going to see the latest Harry Potter movie together. Will, Elyon, and Taranee started a mental betting pool, and seconds later, Matt grabbed Cornelia by the shoulders and leaned her over, like the pair were in an old-fashioned movie, and kissed her soundly.

"Yes!" Will crowed, pumping a fist at waist-level. Elyon raspberried her, and Taranee snapped her fingers behind her while Nigel was keeping the rest of her busy.

"Not sorry you let him go?" the young Queen asked the Guardian leader.

Will shook her head. "Not hardly, Elly. Still, can't help being envious. He always was a good kisser." The two otherwise-single girls sighed at the romantic picture of Will's ex and Elyon's best friend on the top step of their school.

"First one to get a kiss from Peter at the party gets the no-prize," Elyon giggled mischievously.

"Oh, you're on, your holiness," Will returned, her eyes sparking.

"You two vamps keep your claws out of my brother," Taranee snapped mentally, stiffening against her boyfriend. "Bad enough your fighting scared off Caleb."

"Hey, what's wrong with some healthy competition?" Elyon asked. She and Will had each made a concerted play for Caleb when the harried young rebel had called it quits with the high-maintenance Earth Guardian, Cornelia. Last anyone had heard, the girl-scarred young man had gone walkabout in Metamoor's hinterlands with his widower father Julian.

"Yeah, well in hindsight, maybe both of us pestering him to go to the Sadie Hawkins' Dance wasn't the best idea …" Will allowed. She and Elyon exchanged a fatalistic grin.

"I mean it you two. Stay away from Peter." Taranee gave them both 'the Eye', and Hay Lin and the others started laughing.

"Scouts' honor," the girls swore, each holding up a different number of fingers. Irma had heard enough.

"Forget it, girls," the Water Guardian told them. "Peter hasn't looked at another girl since Candace the wonder-gymnast joined the cheerleader squad." Taranee and the other girls all sighed, while the four boys chuckled. Candace was the daughter of the new Police Chief and his wife, an African gold-medal gymnast/mail-order bride. The girl was as tall as basketball-star Peter Cook, and just as determined to keep the persistent boy at arm's length as Pete was to get her to accept a date.

"So … no school for two whole weeks, we don't have any chores from our second job for the foreseeable futures, what're we gonna do, gang?"

Hay and Elyon stopped walking, both digging through their backpacks. The others, missing them a second late, whirled to find out what was up.

"How about we get to work sending some of these out?" Hay asked, holding up a stack of bright, multicolored papers. The other four girls closed in to get a better look, and all gasped in delight.

Hay Lin and Elyon Brown had combined their artistic talents to make the six girls up a group Christmas card, with a picture of them all surrounded by the legend 'We W.I.T.C.H.E. you a Merry Christmas!' "Hay, Elly, these are …" Taranee couldn't think of the right word immediately, but Cornelia had the answer.

"Perfect," the Earth girl sighed. She nabbed a couple, and studied the picture better. "O M G, you two … is this our Halloween picture?" Elyon nodded while Hay giggled.

"It was the only decent shot we had of all six of us. We just updated the clothes and hair from other photos." Elyon was so going to miss digital photoshop once she took the throne in Meridian for good. Right now, she was only returning on weekends to help her native citizenry with problems only she could resolve, and her chief courtiers took care of the day-to-day running of her Queendom. It was mostly her adopted parents' idea; they felt that even a Queen with her powers should have a diploma.

"It's cute," Matt said, admiring the artwork from over Cornelia's shoulder. "You'll definitely have to pose for a new one next year. Even Hay's grown curves since this." The Chinese girl jumped across the gathered group and started whalloping him good-naturedly with her stack of photos.

"You just wanna be in the next one. Admit it, Shagon-lite!" she accused, grinning. He grinned back.

"Guilty as charged, Hay-hay," he said, dropping his voice the register to match the name. He scooped her up to keep her from hitting him anymore, and gave her a noogie.

"My place is closest, but if we've all got to sign these to send 'em out, we'll need more tablespace." Will turned to Hay, still dangling from Matt and Eric's shoulders. (The sax player had gone to his giggling girlfriend's rescue, and ended up helping Matt tickle her instead.) "The Silver Dragon?"

"Nu-uh, Will!" Taranee stomped verbally. "It's two days 'til Christmas! Everybody's at restaurants for dinner!" Irma snickered.

"Yeah, including my fam, T. In fact, I heard them mention last night they were headed there, and I told them I'd stay home with the leftover meatloaf. I eat too much of Yan and Fang's cooking as is." Irma looked down at her ever-expanding bustline, and sighed. She still wasn't sure if her enhancements were a result of her Guardian Element-affinity, or just too much salt in her diet. '&#^ Water-retention,' she muttered to herself. "In fact, come over to my place, gang. We can get this all signed together, and deliver them tonight as our practice session!"

"You girls good without us?" Joel asked, reeling Irma in for a quick kiss. "We better practice for the party tomorrow. C'mon, Eric." Eric let Hay slide from off his shoulders, where she'd 'hidden' from Shagon, and stole a kiss of his own from the hyper girl. Matt and Nigel collected similar farewells from their respective girlfriends, then the two groups separated at the corner, Matt and the other band members going to blonde Joel's family garage, and W.i.t.c.h.e continuing to the Lair residence.

Each of the girls held a copy of their custom card, and they all started trading tips of how they should pose for the next one. Will was just joking about getting them all made up in medieval Meridian first, for a genuine old-time look next year, when Irma started humming. Not able to place the tune with all the Christmas carol bombardment they'd suffered through all week, the others asked her which song it was. Irma cleared her throat dramatically, and started over.

"Yan Lin got run over by a hoogong, folding back from Candracar Christmas Eve, you might say there's no such things as Guardians, but as for me and Corny we believe." Her friends chased her the rest of the way to her house, laughing and lobbing snowballs.

From all of us, to all of you, we W.i.t.c.h.e. you a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. (Both of them! - Hay Lin)

Author's Note: This is what happens when you let them write their own material. Fellow Authors be WARNED! ;D Hope y'all like it. If not, feel free to send all flames to Irma. She'll see to their proper disposition. Happy holidays! and ... Catch ya on the flipside, A J.