A/N: Pure crack. Story came to me one day when somehow I got the words 'Kurotsuchi' and 'milkshake' in my head at the same time. This is odd enough in itself, because it's December and too cold for milkshakes, and I don't like Kurotsuchi. Sooooo.... (shrugs) Enjoy, please leave a review on your way out!
Summary: Kurotsuchi and milkshakes do not belong in the same sentence.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Just as well!
Of Abnormality and Milkshakes
The Sixth Division, despite all appearances, was not normal.
It was not normal because its Captain was a great noble, its Lieutenant was a Rukongai mutt, and one of its many unseated officers was currently being attacked by a mob of enraged Hell Butterflies.
This is particularly strange because nobody's quite sure how Rikichi managed to enrage a mob of Hell Butterflies, nor where he found a mob of them in the first place, when he was only supposed to be caring for three.
That aside, the abnormality was being presented particularly strongly today in the fact that the Division's Lieutenant was acting normally.
This is not to say that Abarai Renji was acting normally for himself, which meant showing up anywhere from thirty-two seconds to six minutes and nineteen seconds late (because at six minutes and twenty seconds late, Kuchiki Byakuya would order him to stay late that night to finish the paperwork), with his uniform just slightly askew, usually finishing his breakfast on the run, and spend the remainder of the day complaining about paperwork and looking forward to lunch and training, in that order.
No, Abarai Renji was acting normally for a Lieutenant, a good Lieutenant, which is to say he showed up twenty-six seconds early, with his shihakusho in perfect order, his breakfast long since finished, and settled down to begin his paperwork without complaint, making no comments about lunch or training.
All of which had Kuchiki Byakuya extremely confused. His Lieutenant was not acting like himself.
And while under most circumstances this would have been cause for celebration - Renji, no matter how much Byakuya valued his power, drive, and company, was not, by any means, the most ideal of lieutenants - a Renji that wasn't acting like Renji was simply worrisome.
The ordinary excuses were depression or a lingering hangover. Given that Renji was not whimpering whenever the sun hit his eyes, or a noise sounded in the hallway, or sending wary glances towards the garbage pail, Byakuya was quite certain it was not a hangover.
Nor, due to the fact Renji had entered with his head high and his eyes bright and was currently humming something tuneless and annoying, was he depressed, either.
Which left very few options for explanation.
"What is on your mind, Abarai-fukutaichou?" Byakuya asked finally, when the tuneless-and-annoying humming got more tuneless and annoying than he could stand for another second.
Well, that was unexpected. "I... beg your pardon?"
"Milkshakes. Have you ever had a milkshake, Kuchiki-hime-taichou?"
Had Renji just called him.... never mind. Clearly, there were deeper issues at work here.
"I have not, Abarai-fukutaichou."
"Oh, you don't know what you're missing out on, sir. Milkshakes are the best. It's a pity there's not a milkshake machine around here."
"I know! I bet I could get Kurotsuchi-sama to make a milkshake machine!"
Ah. That was it.
Standing and drawing his Zanpakutou in one smooth motion, Byakuya lunged at his Lieutenant.
A few minutes later, a storm of massive proportions boiled up over the headquarters of the Twelfth Division. It had the potential to spawn hail and lightning and several kinds of scary, and it smelled like cherry blossoms.
Depositing his burden - which now resembled so much ground hamburger interspersed with a few random bits of shiny metal and plastic - on the steps, Kuchiki Byakuya glowered at the door of the Twelfth and continued to cause a massive flower-power storm over the building with his reiatsu, until an irritably resigned Mayuri opened the door for him.
"You will return my Lieutenant."
"But I haven't dissected him yet," came the whining reply. "And you destroyed my only working cyberclone. I had plans for that, you know!"
Ignoring him, Byakuya shoved through the door on a wave of razor-sharp cherry petals.
He found Renji naked and strapped to a table, looking more annoyed than anything else. The string of curses that escaped his mouth when Byakuya removed the gag was, however, infinitely more pleasant to hear than the cyberclone's tuneless-and-annoying humming had been.
"I believe this is yours," he said dryly, handing Zabimaru to his Lieutenant once he'd freed the redhead's hands, trying very hard to ignore the nakedness.
It wasn't working, really. Who would have guessed the tattoos went *there,* as well?
"Thanks, taichou," Renji said, not remotely embarrassed by the fact he was stark naked. Except for the tattoos. Including the tattoos on his.... *there.*
Byakuya nodded in acknowledgement of the thanks and very firmly reminded himself to stop looking at Renji's *there.*
"Shall we leave?" he inquired calmly, because he was noble and Calm Unflappability was required in situations like this.
No, he wasn't looking. Really.
"Leaving would be good," Renji answered, and followed his Captain out.
They stopped very briefly during their exit to thank the scientific team of the Twelfth for their hospitality. The fact that those words of thanks sounded a great deal like 'Chire, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi," and 'Hoeru, Hihio Zabimaru!' was entirely co-incidental.
At the next Captain's meeting, Kurotsuchi submitted a complaint concerning Kuchiki-taichou's behavior in A) Not allowing Kurotsuchi to dissect Lieutenant Abarai, B) Destroying clone of said Lieutenant, and C) Actions resulting in destruction of Twelfth Division Headquarters. He also submitted a bill.
Both were dismissed.
Byakuya offered to speak privately to him after the meeting to settle the matter.
The fact that Mayuri was somehow, mysteriously blasted with a combination of twelve different high-level kidou in under thirty seconds, the end result of which would leave him in his liquified state for more than a month, was something Byakuya would later swear he had no knowledge of. Nobody noticed that he had his fingers crossed when he swore.
After the meeting, Byakuya returned home to the Kuchiki manor. He was met by there by Renji, who was wearing nothing more than his tattoos.
Renji offered him a milkshake.
Wow. Crack much?????
And no, it's not another clone. The one Bya-kun goes home to is the real Renji. Plus milkshakes.
....I think I'm sleep deprived....