TITLE: Alive

AUTHOR: VIDZ

PAIRING: Harm/Jen (what else? Especially after Paraguay. And Sydney, and USS Guadalcanal,...)

SPOILERS: AU version of TILAM

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: this was another in a long line of fics on my disk that are waiting to be finished. It's an an X-mas fic, but it's still a gift to you all, my faithful readers. It's about death, but it's mainly about life, this wonder of wonders. Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever religion you belong to, have a good evening even if you don't celebrate anything tonight.

While this fic has a sexual theme it's not graphic enough to warrant an M rating. Still, readers' discretion is advised.

SUMMARY: what if Sadiq's attack at JAG HQ had gone a little differently...

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She was dimly aware of the fact the regs were strictly against this kind of thing, but she was more aware of the simple fact that this was right. What better way to affirm life than by engaging in an act who's primary purpose is to create life?

Especially after you saw most of the people you cared for die practically before your eyes.

She could clearly see the shared pain in rememberance in CDR Rabb's eyes as he plowed strongly into her and then withdrew, only to repeat the motion all over again.

It had happened so quickly. A small explosion had sounded off when Harm had tried to start the 'Vette, followed by shots as the guards shot the suspicious-looking man holding a small remote, a mili-second before the HQ was engulfed in a conflagration of fire.

They never broke the lock of their gazes, only panting could be heard as Harm worked on bringing them to completion, the first step to healing their souls.

She'd been awfully lucky to have been outside at that moment, taking to Harm the file he'd forgotten, the file that had saved her life. The amount of Semtex mixed with kerosine used had insured that only their floor had been completely destroyed, still killing everyone inside. The entire staff had perished in Sadiq's assault.

Jen's strong thighs flexed, encouraging Harm to push harder into her, his sweat mingling with hers on her breasts, as he pushed so hard it made his childhood bed creak.

For once in her life she was thankful for the protocol that prevented her and Harm seeing the surveillance videos, showing the last moments of their co-workers' and friends' lives. That video was the only proof and record of those who had been lost, the actual remains too poor to help with identification. Not even DNA identification could've been used, for it was impossible to separate what used to be a living person from another or from wooden furniture, as only ashes were left, not even a few identifiable remains, no matter how charred.

Mattie was among the casualties, having stayed behind to talk to Mac about something. Her unexplainable liking of the woman who'd hurt her guardian so many times and so deeply and her nearly obssessive wish for the two of them to get together despite all the wounds that would scuttle any relationship, had cost her her life.

And the thrusting went on as they strove to remind themselves of the fact that they were still alive. Not dead like their friends.

She could still feel the pain from her first breeching, only a slight sting left now, but the pleasure and the raw need consuming her were just too overwhelming for this to matter and there was no way in hell she'd ever tell Harm to stop because of it.

She knew she should've been worried because of their complete disregard for protection and birth control, but she simply didn't care. Neither did he apparently. Jen was thankful for that, because right now she didn't want anything between them, not during her first time and definitely not now, after all that had recently happened and all that was still happening and would happen in the immediate future. To get the comfort they needed it was essential they felt each other skin to skin everywhere they were in contact and that meant no latex in the way, even though what they were doing had definitely not been planned. Besides, it wasn't the right time in the month for her to get pregnant from this and she knew they were both clean.

They were just too dead inside, too numb and too desperate for any confirmation at all that they were still alive when almost everyone else they'd cared about was dead.

Harm had been named the interim JAG until the JCS could find the new one, but until the needed infrastructure was set up again, he and Jen, the only surviving members of JAG HQ, were on leave.

Guiding Harm's head to her needy breasts she sighed in bliss when that talented mouth captured a large, hard nipple and began manipulating it. Hugging him tighter she presed her cheek to his hair, a tear slowly making it's way down her cheek, Jen not knowing whether from the thought of their friends or the bittersweet happiness of finally having the man she'd loved quietly from afar for so long.

When Trish had heard the news she and Frank had taken the first flight to DC to be with her son and even Jen in this time of mourning. After the funerals Trish had managed to convince Harm to come with them back to San Diego. It hadn't taken Harm and Trish any significant effort to convince Jen to come with them, as Jen didn't know what to do with herself and wasn't hiding from the truth that right then she needed Harm more than she ever had before.

They didn't know what would happen. Bud and Harriet had named him and Mac as their children's guardians years ago in their Will. Now they were dead, just like Mac, which only left him. Harriet's parents would no doubt petition to be given the boys' custody and Harm couldn't help but feel that was the best solution. He was in no state to, while still grieving for a girl who'd been like a daughter to him and for most of his friends, become a parent to two children he hadn't spent any significant amount of time with for years and who'd just lost their parents. Mattie had been an already formed person, almost an adult; Harm had no idea how he'd go from a bachelor to a parent of a baby and a five-year-old with a penchant for trantrums within a few hours. He knew Jen would stand by him, but that would be a tremendous strain on such a new relationship and in an extremely rare moment of selfishness he wanted Mr and Mrs Sims to take the kids.

Jen had to hand it to the man, her lover (and if there was anything that could kick-starting her numb soul into running again it was the fact that she could now call Harm her lover) was determined to do whatever it took for her to experience that ultimate pleasure too. He knew the low statistics, but as everything else he did he got to making love determinedly and systematically as well. They'd been at it for a long time and she knew he was tired, but since he paused every few minutes he hadn't climaxed himself yet. Slowly she was getting closer to the brink and, seeing the desperation on Harm's face, hoped she would get there soon, if only to prevent his guilt if he lost the battle before she was done.

How had they gotten to this point? Though alcohol was involved it hadn't been in large enough quantities to have gotten them drunk. Harm's parents had gone to the opera to give Harm and Jen some healing time alone and the two friends had been reminiscing of happier times at HQ, working on a six pack of beer together. The defining moment had been when they'd gone to the kitchen and Harm had accidentally trapped Jen against the counter. She'd looked up and their eyes had met. The moment had stretched into the eternity and then suddenly they'd been kissing, urgently, desperately, needily. Before they'd known it they were in Harm's old room, tearing each other's clothes off, craving to feel the other's warm skin, to know they were alive. Alive when most of their friends were dead.

Completion assaulted Jen out of nowhere and then she was screaming at the top of her voice, her head thrown back, cords in her graceful neck straining, pressing herself against Harm so tightly not even a microbe could get between them as her thighs, arms, belly and inner muscles fluttered and twitched. Harm bit into the side of her neck, below her ear, savagely, breaking skin, his hips jerking uncontrolably as he emptied himself inside the woman beneath him. After having held back for so long, the pleasure of his desperately-awaited release was so powerful he nearly blacked out.

Slowly his muscles turned to jello and he collapsed onto Jen, pushing her deeper into the mattress. He couldn't suppress the thought of the irony of life that the first time he ever made love to a woman in his teenage bed was when he was 40, instead of when he'd still been in High School. Settling down on the deliciously feminine body beneath him in a way that allowed Jen to breathe, but didn't require of him to hold himself up, he sighed contently, satiated. He knew he should probably pull out and move off her, but there was no way he would do it, not even on direct order from the President himself.

NOBODY would be able to make him break the connection he and Jen were sharing right then, physical and emotional.

The reason they'd made love in the first place hadn't disappeared, it was still there and because of this neediness for intimate contact with another human, because of their psychs' demands for proof they were still there, breathing, that they still had each other, he didn't move away, nor did Jen demand he get off her.

Instead, even though she let her nicely toned legs fall to the bed from where they were locked behind his back, she slung her arms around him in a more affectionate, possessive way. No more was she clinging to him in a sexual frenzy, this time it was in the way people in love do. With the fingers of one hand she was playing with his hair, lightly scratching the back of his neck, while running her other hand lightly up and down his back in a soothing motion, her fingers set on his skin not in the way that would scratch him, but only to tickle him in the right way, attaining her goal when Harm's body turned boneless in relaxation.

They both knew they still had a lot to talk about, a lot to settle, to define the boundaries or lack of them of their new relationship, come up with a way that would let them keep it and their jobs.

They had plenty of time to sort everything out, though.

The only thing important was that they were finally what they'd always been meant to be, together.

And alive.

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