I am never writing a Christmas story again. Ever. -Is a broken teenager-
Anyway, I hope you guys all have a happy Christmas! I can guarentee this story is spoiler free! It is also not to be taken seriously - It is crap, and I know it's crap, but I said I'd write a Christmas story and I have. So. It's done! Oh, I just remembered: If there's an obvious spelling mistake with Serah, please remember that she is raving drunk and therefore it is intentional. Thank ye.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XIII or Versus XIII. Or Santa Claus. Or Santa. Or brandy. Why is it always brandy at Christmas?
Lightning walked into the living room, tripped over a box, cursed and stared.
She kept staring until Hope coughed.
"Ur... Little help?"
"What...?" Lightning pushed herself off the floor and continued to stare at the young boy. "What the hell happened?"
"Serah. Christmas lights." He explained, his voice somewhat muffled due to the fact he was knotted into a ball of the lights. She sighed and began to untie him.
"Tried to undo them?"
"Did neither of your parents ever teach never to attempt to undo knotted Christmas lights?" The soldier asked as she stabbed her finger on a particularly sharp bulb. "Ow."
"No. They didn't – OW!! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!"
"Shut up and suck it up!" Lightning replied, tugging hard on a wire.
"No, it's digging in...." Hope blushed. "There."
"..... Ah." She frowned and yanked on wire thoughtfully.
"Gotta learn to stand a little pain."
"This is more than a little pain." He protested, wincing as she tugged on the wires again. "YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE – STOP IT!!!!!"
"Fine!" Lightning flung the cord onto the floor. "I'll go get Sazh, he's good with knots."
"But..." Hope pouted. "What do I do?"
"Pray Vanille doesn't find you and put antlers on your head." She smirked and slipped out of the room stealthily, before getting smacked in the face by a piece of tinsel.
"Sorry sis!" Serah yelled as she ran up the stairs.
Lightning hated Christmas.
"Daddy...?" Dajh asked in the little voice all children use when they're about to ask an irritating or awkward question.
"Yes Dajh?" Sazh winced and waited.
"How does Santa get all around the world in one night?"
The man sighed in relief. That was a comparatively easy question to answer.
"He has a magical sleigh, which is pulled by magical reindeer." He explained, helping his son to make the snowman.
"Oh... how did he make them magic?"
"Um... Well..." Sazh frowned to himself. "You see, Santa has a... friend... who is a wizard. And when Santa said he wanted to give presents to all the children in the world, the wizard cast a magical spell to make all the reindeer and the sleigh magic."
"Oh." Dajh frowned. "How did he meet the wizard?"
Desperate for the conversation to end, he used the fall back answer of every parent in the world.
"I don't know."
"Oh." The little boy grinned and licked the snow off his gloves.
"Don't do that Da-"
"SAZH!!!!" Lightning bellowed, storming over to the two whilst hugging herself. "God, it's freezing out here."
"It's winter." He pointed out, watching Dajh add more snow onto the snowman. "It's meant to be cold."
"Whatever." She shivered. "Hope's stuck in the lights. Can you untie him?"
"How did he-"
"He tried to untangle them." She explained. "Foolish boy. Dajh, never try to untangle Christmas lights, okay?"
"Okay Auntie Lightning!" He said with a grin. Lightning stared at the boy before turning to Sazh.
"... Auntie?!" She spat.
"He's just a little boy..." He began meekly.
"Auntie!?" She repeated, staring at him.
"I'll go untie Hope... keep an eye on Dajh." Sazh said, running as quickly as he could towards the house through the snow.
Which wasn't very quickly at all.
Lightning stood in the snow and scowled. Dajh poked her leg.
She winced. "Yes?"
"Build a snowman with Dajh?"
Why is he referring to himself in the third person?
"All right..." Lightning sighed and grabbed a handful of snow, thinking about the number of times she had to do this with Serah. "Fat or skinny snowman?"
"FAT!!!" He beamed. The snow started to melt in her hands as she shivered.
Never ever having kids.
There are many terrifying sights in this life.
One of the most terrifying has to be Oerba Dia Vanille armed with a hammer, some nails, and a few bunches of mistletoe.
"Go. In. You. Stupid. Nail!" Vanille slammed the hammer onto the nail and into the ceiling with in time with each word. "You. Stupid. Mother. Fuc-"
"Hey Vanille." Snow shoved his head into the corridor. "Do you know where the tinsel is?"
"Your fiancé stole it."
"Oh... Do you know where she is?"
"Stealing brandy soaked cherries from the kitchen."
"Right. Thanks." And with that, Snow ran past her and towards the kitchen. Vanille smacked the nail with the hammer one last time, making it surrender; go into the wall and hold up the mistletoe. She smirked.
"Vanille: one. Mistletoe: nil."
At which point the mistletoe fell off.
"...... You bastard."
Hope was smacked in the mouth with the plug.
"Sorry." Sazh pulled a wire over the boy's head. "Hold still."
"Hold stiller." The man paused in thought. "Right stand up."
Hope did so.
"Now spin around very quickly."
"... Wait, what?" The teenager stared at him.
"Spin around anti-clockwise very quickly." Sazh explained. "It's the fastest way to get the lights off."
"Right..." The silver haired teen spun around – Clockwise.
"Gack!" He choked on the wiring which was now wound tightly around his neck. "Can't breathe...!"
"Anti-clockwise! Spin anti-clockwise!" He explained, as the teen spun clockwise again. "Spin the opposite way!" The boy continued to spin clockwise. "Stop spinning!"
Hope fell onto the floor, out cold.
Serah was cold. This was probably because, instead of wearing a normal scarf, she had substituted it for a piece of gold tinsel.
She was sitting at the kitchen table, watching Felix attempt to stir dough.
"This isn't working..." He grumbled. "Serah, how do you make dough turn into... well, dough?"
"By stirring it."
"I'm doing that."
"Well stir it better."
"Gee thanks." The blonde slapped the dough with a spoon. "I hate cooking. Stupid short straws."
"I thought Fang was doing it with you." Serah frowned as she popped another brandy soaked cherry into her mouth, starting to feel a little tipsy. "She picked the other short straw."
"Huh. Her. She ran off, something about it being against her beliefs."
"She's an atheist."
"I know, that's why she says it's against her beliefs." He sighed and splashed some water into the dough. "Haven't you had enough of those cherries yet?"
"Nope." She grinned and plucked out another one. "Ask Stella. She can cook... sort of."
"Nope, I'm doing this by myself!" Felix stabbed the dough with the spoon yet again. "Damn you! Blend! Blend! BLEND!"
The dough, not having any ears, was deaf to Felix's demands.
"You asked me to help you."
"Yeah, but you won't tell anyone. Besides, you're too tipsy to be of any real help!"
"Who's tipsy?" Snow wandered into the kitchen with a grin.
"I am not tipsy!" She protested. "I am just not sober!"
"You're just a lightweight." Her fiancé teased. "Honestly, drunk on brandy soaked cherries... tut tut." At which point Serah blew a raspberry. "... So sexy." He shook his head. "I need tinsel."
"I need to put it on the stair banister."
"Because Noctis told me to."
"'Cause he's weird."
"Serah, give me the tinsel."
"Because I'll tell Lightning you're getting drunk."
There was a slight pause, before Serah passed Snow the box full of tinsel.
"Thank you." He smirked. "I'll leave you two to it-"
"No!" The young woman ran over and grabbed his arm. "I'm coming with you!"
"... Okay..." Snow grinned. "Alright then Serah, together we shall attack the banisters!"
"Having fun Farron?"
Lightning felt her right eyelid twitch slightly.
Bloody Fang was walking towards her with a smirk on her face and goose bumps on her arms. Anyone with an ounce of logic would be wondering why she hadn't put a coat on.
"Time of my life. How's that frostbite working out for you?" She shot back, slamming a lump of snow onto Tom the Snowman with unnecessary force.
"Don't know what you're talking about." Fang shuddered, arriving next to Dajh. "What is that?"
"Tom!" Dajh grinned. The dark haired woman blinked.
"... Tom?" She repeated.
"The Snowman. Tom the Snowman." Lightning explained, gathering another handful of snow.
"He's called Tom?" The smirk on Fang's face grew.
"Yes. Tom." The soldier glanced up at the other woman. "...Is there a problem?"
"No." She snickered. "It is perfectly natural for you of all people to be making a snowman called Tom."
When Lightning was young, she had learnt that the best form of defence was attack. However, she couldn't pull Blaze Edge out with Dajh toddling around, or punch Fang. So she improvised.
By throwing a snowball in Fang's face and running away as fast as her legs could possibly carry her.
Vanille did not expect to see Hope lying unconscious on the floor covered in lights when she walked into the living room. She blinked innocently and looked at Sazh.
"He tried to untangle the lights."
"Oooh..." She winced sympathetically. "Can't you get him out?"
"He doesn't know which direction is anti-clockwise." The pilot explained, tapping Hope experimentally with his foot.
"Oh!" Vanille grinned rather manically. "I can get him out with my hammer!"
"..." Sazh attempted to wrap his mind around her logic. "Vanille sweetie, hammers are used for putting things in."
"And for ripping things out! Like when Snow tried to take that nail out of the wall with a hammer, but he ripped out the bricks instead!"
"Yes, I remember that..." He muttered darkly.
"Right then!" The young girl leaned over Hope and started tugging on the wires with the hammer.
A rather nasty ripping noise echoed through the room. Sazh covered his face with a hand and shuddered.
"I ripped the wires apart, but I think he's undone now! Oh wait, the plug's stuck in his pants..."
Santa Claus hated him. Speaking of which...
"Lexus!" Felix scowled. "Get that camera out of my face!"
"No way!" The scarred man chuckled. "I want to remember this: Felix the housewife."
"I really hate you!"
"We know." Noctis chuckled. "But a little hatred is worth the years of blackmail. You're wearing an apron."
"I have to keep these clothes clean!" Felix protested. "We don't all have the luxury of a change of clothes Noct!"
"Touché." Placido chuckled. Noctis snarled.
"Listen you fu-"
"HIYA UNCA NOCTIS!!!" Dajh yelled from the door. There were a couple of sniggers from the rest of the group.
"This is turning out to be pretty good blackmail against Noct too."
"Hi Dajh." The prince grumbled, shooting Lexus a death glare.
"Do you know where my daddy is?"
"Thank you!" And with that, the toddler skipped off. Noctis scowled.
"Awwwwwww..." Felix lent forwards with a grin. "What's wrong Unca Noctis?"
"Ow!" The blonde rubbed his head where the wooden spoon made contact. "Hey! There was dough on that you bastard!"
"I know." He smirked. "That's why I used it."
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FARRON!!!"
The group raised their heads in unison to stare at the back door.
"IT WAS ONE SNOWBALL!!!"
"INTO MY FACE!!!"
"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH AN OPEN TARGET!!!!"
"I'M STILL GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"
At which point, Lightning ran in through the back door, skidding around a rather confused Lexus and Placido and darting behind the kitchen table towards the door. Fang was in hot pursuit, scrambling around a mildly amused Noctis in an attempt to make a shortcut.
However, this idea had a flaw.
Fang accidently knocked over a very full bag of flour, creating a thick fog mist in the kitchen, and much coughing.
Lightning watched from the doorway, relatively unscathed by the accident. The others were not so lucky.
"So..." She said after the fog had cleared enough for people to be able to see each other. "Fang is the ghost of Christmas past – Holy!" Lightning ducked just in time to avoid the frying pan aimed at her head.
"I am going to kill you Farron!" Fang yelled, looking slightly demonic with a spatula in one hand and covered in flour.
Lightning did the only logical thing left to do, and ran away. With Fang in hot pursuit yet again.
There was an awkward silence in the kitchen which lasted exactly three minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Eventually, Felix broke the silence.
"How can you kill someone with a spatula?"
Snow decided that Serah was not tipsy. She was, in fact, raving drunk.
"You'd look cute wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith..." She rocked back and forwards on her heels, nearly falling backwards. "A big red nose like that reindeer who couldn't play strip poker..."
He stared dumbly at her. "What?"
"You know the one! They wouldn't let him play strip poker! Or normal poker, or gambling!" She rambled on, oblivious to Snow's increasing confusion.
"You mean Rudolf?"
"YES!!" She jumped up and down while giggling. "That's why I'm marrying you!"
"So you mean my rugged good looks and big heart have nothing to do with it?" He asked, placing a hand on his chest in mock shock.
"Not a bit!"
"... Gee, thanks Serah."
"Ah, Snow!" Sazh walked up the stairs. "I need to ask you for a favour."
"What kind of favour?" Snow wrinkled his nose. "Last time I did a favour for someone, I got stuck in a fishing net and-"
"Yes, I remember that." The pilot waved a hand in the air dismissively. "Not that kind of favour. I need you to dress up as Santa for Dajh. You see, a neighbour used to do it for us, but obviously..." He shrugged.
"Sure, I'll do it." Snow grinned. "It'll be fun."
"Thanks!" Sazh grinned. "I owe you!" And with that, he ran back down the stairs.
"You know..." Serah grinned. "We better do a practise run! Of you being Santa!"
"A... practise run?"
"YES!!!" She grabbed his arm and started tugging. "Come on, we have to measure you!"
"Measure-? OW! Serah, that's my arm!"
Vanille was sitting silently on the staircase, waiting for someone to pass by her... well, trap was a harsh word. Mistletoe was the accurate definition.
At which point Noctis exited the kitchen, rubbing flour from his eyes while mumbling something unintelligible about flour and pissed off women, and how the two should never meet. Sazh was walking out of the living room in search of wrapping paper.
They both smacked into each other directly underneath the green plant.
"Noctis, why is your eye wielded shut with flour?"
"Lightning and Fang are freaks, that's why." He grumbled darkly.
"A-HA!" Vanille leapt up from her hiding spot. "YOU HAVE FALLEN INTO MY TR – MISTLETOE!!!!!"
"Huh?" Sazh glanced up at the ceiling. "... That's why you had a hammer."
"That's nice Vanille." Noctis shrugged. "Now excuse me, I'm losing the sight in my left eye-"
"You need to kiss each other first."
"No!" Both men chorused in unison. Vanille growled.
"I SAID DO IT!"
"WE SAID NO!!!"
"DO IT!!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!"
"NOCTIS SNOG SAZH OR I'M TELLING EVERYONE YOU'RE IMPOTENT!!!!"
An awkward pause followed.
"Lightning's right, you are a bitch in disguise." The prince scowled. The young girl smirked and crossed her arms.
"I think they would see past that – They wouldn't see past that."
"No way in hell." She snickered as Noctis mulled this over in his head.
"... Sazh get over here." He eventually said. Sazh began to step backwards.
"I'll swear in front of Dajh." Vanille stated calmly. There was another incredibly awkward silence.
"And you won't be taking pictures of this for blackmail?"
The young girl chuckled and took a picture while adding their name to the list of victims – People who had stood under the mistletoe.
Placido and Felix.
Fang and Hope.
Lightning and Lexus.
Stella and Lightning. (Lightning needs to stop walking through this hall)
Lightning stumbled over a root and cursed loudly as she sprawled across the ground.
A resounding twack echoed through the garden as Fang's spatula made contact with Lightning's head.
"Get OFF me Fang!" She yelped as the l'cie stood on her back. "I mean it!"
"You deserve it!"
"Oh yes, I committed the heinous crime of throwing a snowball at you: I must be punished!"
A slight pause.
With a growl of irritation, the soldier rolled across the ground quickly, making Fang lose her balance and fall over. A brief wrestling match ensued between the two for control of the spatula.
"What, so you can use it on my head-"
"I don't deserve it you-!"
The spatula broke in half. Both women paused and glanced down at their half of the broken and bent spatula.
"We can bend and break metal." Fang noted. "I'm putting that down on my skills list." She then slapped Lightning across the face with the spatula.
"Stop that!" She yelled, hitting Fang with her part of the spatula.
"Look you little bitc-"
"HELP!!!!" The duo were distracted by Serah's scream. "SNOW'S STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY!!!!!"
There was a short period of dead air.
"Truce." The two women ran towards the house snickering.
Snow was indeed, stuck in the chimney, with an inebriated Serah staggering about on the rooftop. Most of the house was now gathering outside to view the scenes. Vanille was taking pictures.
"What the hell happened?!" Stella yelled up.
"Snow's stuuuuuuuuuuuck!" Serah hollered back.
"Serah's drunk!" Snow called down.
"I AMN'T!!!" The girl screamed, before nearly falling off the rooftop. "Whoooooaaa, that's slippryly..."
"Why are you two on the roof?" Sazh asked, rather reasonably.
"Snow can't be Santa Clause 'cause he can't fit in the chimney!" The drunk girl reasoned, before sitting on her bum. "Liddle help?" There was a pause before everyone turned to look at Lightning.
"Up you go then." Fang snickered.
"Why should I have to deal with this?"
"Your drunk sister and her fiancé. And you're the one with the gravity powers." Noctis shrugged.
"... Fine. I'll do it-"
"That reminds me!" Vanille said cheerily. "Noctis is impotent and snogged Sazh!"
"... What?" The soldier stared at her friend as Noctis went red.
"I AM NOT IMPOTENT AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT MISTLETOE UP EVERYWHERE!!!"
There was a pause before Lexus pointed something out.
"You know, I was filming that." He then ran before the prince could summon a sword. Lightning blinked and used her gravity device to jump up onto the rooftop. Where upon her arrival, she was partially hugged, mostly lent on, by her sister.
"... Hi Serah." She managed to stay, before attempting to manoeuvre her way towards Snow. It didn't really work. "Serah, let go."
"... Serah, seriously, let go."
"Nu." Serah clung onto her sister tighter as Snow struggled to free his foot.
"Serah, do you want your fiancé to freeze to death while stuck in a chimney?"
"Then let go."
"Nu." The drunkard tightened her grip on Lightning, which irritated her a lot. The soldier sighed, pulled her sister's arms away from her waist and carefully walked over to the chimney.
"You're never going to let me forget this, are you?" Snow asked calmly when she finally reached the chimney.
"Never. I doubt they will either." She started tugging on his arms. "Gee, wriggle about a bit! Try to loosen yourself!"
"I just get more stuck!" He protested. "Hey, that hurts!"
"Suck it up you big sissy!" She snapped.
"My fiancé's 'snot a sissy sis!" Serah slurred, slapping Lightning's wrist. Lightning ignored her.
"Okay, wriggle on three." She commanded. "One-"
"Wait!" Snow held up a hand. "It is one two three, or one two three GO, or three two one, or three two one go?" The soldier blinked.
"One two three."
"Okay, just so I know." He nodded. "I'm ready."
"Okay, one, two, THREE!!!"
And with that, Snow popped out of the chimney. However, from the ground, Vanille made an accurate but alarming observation.
"His trousers have come off!!!"
"That would explain the sudden chill in my nether regions-"
"Lightning, was punching him out really the right course of action?"
"Yes. Yes it was."
"No way in hell, or heaven, or Earth, or limbo, will I do it."
"Less than an hour. It's for less than an hour."
"Sazh, Dajh is a sweet kid, but there is no way I will dress up as Santa for him." The prince growled. "I just won't do it."
"... I'll tell everyone you're a good kisser."
"You hang out with Vanille too much."
Noctis remained silent for a minute before nodding his head very slowly.
"Thanks." Sazh gave a sigh of relief. "Just... don't get stuck in the chimney."
"I'm not Snow Villiers, therefore I won't." He smirked. "Do you have a costume or do I need to beg someone for one?"
"I already left it in your room." The pilot walked off with a grin.
Stella walked into the kitchen and realised something was wrong. She sniffed the air before summoning help.
"FELIX!!!! YOU'VE MANAGED TO SET THE BLOODY COOKIES ON FIRE!!!!!"
"No I haven't!" Felix yelled, running into the kitchen. His jaw dropped when he saw the oven was on fire. "... Oh my God! The cookies have spontaneously combusted!"
Stella responded by smacking him on the head with a rolling pin.
"You've left them on too long you moron! And why are you still wearing that apron?"
"It's flattering!" He protested, grabbing a tea-towel and flapping at the flames rather pathetically. "Eh crap."
"Don't call me that. The tea-towel's on fire." Stella pointed at the tea-towel, which had a lot of black smoke coming off it.
"Oh." The blonde man threw the tea-towel onto the ground and stamped on it. "Water! We need water!"
"We need a fire extinguisher-"
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep!
"What is that?" Stella asked, rubbing her aching ears.
"That would be the fire alarm." Felix said. "It's okay everyone! There's a fire, but I'm looking after it!"
"That's not reassuring." Placido popped his head around the door. "Oh my.... Felix, what have you done?"
"It's not my fault the cookies spontaneously combusted!" He protested, as Fang and Vanille appeared in the doorway.
"Would leaving them in the oven too long have something to do with their spontaneous combustion?"
"What are you, a scientist?" Vanille sighed and cast a water spell on the oven, which put out the flames. The smell of burning dough still remained in the air.
"Nasty." Placido muttered before leaving.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep!
"Oh what fresh hell is this?" Fang yelled, glaring up at the fire alarm. "It's out! Shut up!"
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep!
"You stupid bloody machine, shut up!" She scowled, glaring at the alarm.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep mee –
Fang's spear remained lodged in the broken fire alarm.
"Done." And with a certain finality about it, Fang marched out of the kitchen as Felix reached for the air freshener.
Noctis felt like a tool. He also decided, looking in his mirror, he was never going to grow a beard. It looked very... odd on him.
With a tiny grumble, he adjusted the beard on his face as he heard a certain amount of screaming and swearing from downstairs.
"I AM NOT SNOGGING SNOW VANILLE, HE'S MY SISTER'S FIANCÉ!!"
"It's the mistletoe-"
"SHOVE YOUR MISTLETOE UP YOUR ARSE!!!!"
He snickered and waited until the time was right – He had to be in the living room by eleven o'clock, because that was when Dajh came downstairs to try and get a peek at Santa, according to Sazh.
"FINE! I'LL SNOG HIM! BUT I SWEAR TO GOD VANILLE, I WILL STRIKE DOWN ON YOU WITH FURIOUS ANGER AND VENGENCE!!!!"
"Whatever, I have excellent blackmail."
Noctis snickered; listened as the swearing and smell of burning evaporated from the house and checked the clock. Twenty to eleven. Time to go down the chimney. He still couldn't believe he was doing this... damn pride.
He stuck his head out of the door, looked around and slipped down the stairs and out the front door. He went around the back of the house and started making his way up the trellis on the wall and clambered messily onto the roof. With a couple of mumbled curses, he steadied himself against the chimney, and carefully slipped into it.
Noctis was very glad he wasn't Santa. Chimneys were incredibly tight and uncomfortable and – He was stuck.
"Fuck!" He hissed, wriggling about in the chimney. "Fucking..." There was a rattling noise underneath him.
Don't be Dajh, please don't be Dajh –
A sword poked his foot.
"Noctis?" Lightning's face appeared at the bottom of the chimney. "... Santa's got a weird sense of humour."
"Shut up and help me down!" Noctis bellowed, wriggling in the chimney. "It's dark, cold, and I can see a pigeon about to do a crap on my head."
"That's a reason for me to leave you up there."
"All right, all right!" The soldier grumbled and tugged on his ankles very hard.
"Shut up you wimp!" She hissed, successfully dragging him out of the chimney with a rather loud crash.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Noctis asked, rubbing his head. "Sazh blackmailed and begged us to go to bed early rememb – You're in your pyjamas." He added, after wiping the dust out of his eyes.
"I need a drink." Lightning explained. "By drink, I mean several strong brandies."
"... You'll be in a sunshine mood tomorrow."
"Pfft. Means I won't have to get up early." She shrugged and glanced around for the brandy bottle, looking very tired.
There was a small creaking noise. The clock proudly chimed eleven.
"He's coming!" Noctis whispered. "Crap, Lightning hide!"
"Where?!" She snapped.
"Up the chimney!"
A slight pause.
"There is no fucking way-"
"Get up there now Lightning!"
"No!" At which point, Noctis grabbed Lightning and attempted to shove her up the chimney. "Get up you stupid cow!" He yell-whispered.
"I'm not going!" She hissed.
"Oh yes you bloody are! I hope that pigeon poops on you!" And with that, he shoved her up into the chimney.
Lightning cursed fluently in her head and attempted to wedge herself into a position which wouldn't end in her falling out of the chimney.
As Noctis spun around to start putting presents out, he managed to knock the sack into the Christmas tree, which wobbled perilously.
"No, no, no n-n-NO don't do that tree!" He grabbed the tree and attempted to right it, before seeing Dajh reflected in one of the baubles staring at him. "... HO HO HO!" He guffawed, hearing a muffled snort from the chimney.
He was going to kill Lightning later. Noctis pulled the presents out of the sack and scattered them around the tree in what he hoped was a convincingly cheerful way. Dajh's eyes were burning into the back of his head. Should he ho ho ho again?
"HO HO HO!"
Another muffled snort from the chimney.
"... HOE!" He yelled at the chimney. He saw Dajh staring at him. "...HO HO!"
After a moment, Dajh toddled off, the creaking of the stairs confirming that he was going back upstairs and to bed, satisfied at seeing 'Santa'. Noctis gave a sigh of relief as Lightning dropped out of the chimney and stared at him. There was a period of dead air.
"I really need a drink." And with that, Lightning grabbed two rather large glasses and the brandy bottle. "I hate Christmas." She filled the glasses to the brim.
"That's full of alcohol."
"I don't care." She handed him a glass. "If I'm hungover, I won't have to wake up. If I don't wake up, I won't have to gag on those suicidal cookies and watch the Sound of Music. Hills can't sing you dumb nun." She downed her own glass as Noctis cautiously sipped on his.
"It's not that bad."
"Huh!" She snorted and sent a stream of brandy out of her nose. She wiped it away with a groan and continued both her tirade and pouring another glass for herself. "If they put on that Christmas CD tomorrow I will chop my ears off. I hate Christmas songs." She drank the brandy.
"Why do you hate Christmas?" He was confused. "I would have thought you'd enjoy it. It's spending time with your family and you love Serah-"
"Oh shut up!" She poured herself yet another glass. "Serah's going to marry Snow, and she'll have her own family. I don't have a family. That's the way it works."
"Serah's not just going to dump you for Snow." Noctis frowned thoughtfully as Lightning finished her third glass. "... Is that what you think?"
"She'll have her own family." She repeated, starting to slur her words slightly.
"You Farron girls can't take your drink. Go to bed Light."
"You've just downed three very large glasses of brandy. Go to bed." He smirked as the soldier flopped backwards across the sofa. "Serah won't just leave you. Besides, you've got us lot. We're not gonna leave you. Cheer up already!"
"Christmas," Lightning proclaimed, sitting upright rather suddenly. "Is a time for being depressed. Nothing depresses you quite like your family." She chuckled half aloud, half to herself. Noctis rolled his eyes.
"Just go to bed already."
"Alright, alright." The soldier pushed herself off the sofa and grinned. "Keep your beard on Santa." She snickered and pulled his fake beard out then let go, allowing it to snap back onto his chin.
"Night Noct." She staggered out of the room, closely followed by Noctis.
"AHA!!!" Vanille suddenly leapt out from the kitchen. "YOU HAVE FALLEN INTO MY MISTLETOE TRAP MEER MORTALS!!!"
"Not again..." Lightning rubbed her forehead. Noctis paused before grabbing his sack and throwing it over Vanille, muffling her yelps of protest. "What are you-?"
"Rip down that bloody mistletoe. Then get the Sellotape and wrapping paper quick!"
Merry Christmas everyone!