The Twelve Pains of Christmas

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

AN: I know that there is already a story up here called the twelve pains of Christmas and frankly that story gave me this idea. This story is going to be different though, I'm not going to have the characters sing like they did in the other one but I'm going to write a short chapter about a page each with the titles of the twelve paines. I was going to put one chapter up every day until Christmas but due to me traviling around I'm going to just write them all in one doc. Oh, and this is another one of my diolog only fics. Hope you all have a great and Marry Christmas.


Chapter One: The First Pain of Christmas is Finding a Christmas Tree

"And what exactally, are we doing again?"

"Isn't it oviouest, Kraddy-kins? We're choosing a Christmas tree."

"In the middle of a forest? You do know there are stores that you can buy a tree at right?"

"But that's no fun blondy."

"And chopping down a tree is fun?"

Yea, its loads of fun!"

"Okay Mousy, how many of the Niwa woman's cookies did you eat before dragging me out here?"

"Only about two…"

"TWO? And you're this hiper?"

"Heh, maybe it was more like two dozen."

"Only you could eat that much sugar and not get sick."

"No! Not that tree! Its not the right one!"

"And how would you know what the right tree is? They all look the same."

"I just will know when I see it."

"Why do we need a tree anyway??"

"Because, its just what you do at Christmas! You've got to have a tree and decorate it so that you can put lots of presents under it!"

"So, let me get this straight, I'm out here freezing my ass off just so that you can decorate some tree that you're only going to have up about two weeks just because it's a tradission?"

"Pretty much."

"Screw this I'm going home."

"Oh come on Kraddy, don't be such a scruge!"

"Bah humbug."


Chapter Two: The Second Pain of Christmas is Hanging Up the Lights

"Mousy, what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hang the lights! What's it look like I'm doing?"

"Um, I thought that the lights were supposed to hang on the house, not around you."

Hha, ha."

"No seriously, are you still obsessed with this Christmas nonsense?"

"Its not nonsense, it's fun and a good time. What do you mean there are no extention cords!"

"Fun huh?"

"Shut up."

"Mousy, are they supposed to do that?"

"Do what?"


Uh, Emiko! Why in the hell are they blinking?"

"I'm taking that as a no."

"Shit! One light goes out they all go out!"

"Still having fun?"


"I think you just blew a fuse."

"You think?"

"You better go get a flash light."

"You're just a load of help tonight."

"All in the Christmas spirit."

"Are you mocking me?"

"What ever gave you that idea? And the lights are hanging crooked."

"Fine! If you're so smart you hang up the lights!"

Chapter Three: The Third Pain of Christmas are the Hangovers

"Oh god my head is killing me."

"Must be that joyous Christmas spirit that you indulged yourself with last night."

"What are you doing here?"

"Emiko asked me to watch you while she went to the store."

"And you agreed?"

"Its all in the Good Cheer of the season."

"Yeah right, you just wanted to watch me suffer."

"That too."

"Sadistic bastard."

"Thank you."

"Oh, I'm never ever spiking the eggnog again."

"Really? But the results were just so intertaining."

"You know what? You may look like an angel but you have the heart of a devil."

Chapter Four: The Fourth Pain of Christmas is Sending Christmas Cards

"Oh, Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…"

"Mousy, now what are you up to?"

"Christmas cards Kraddy, Christmas cards."

"Oh for…"

"Why don't you send some?"

"You're kidding?"

"No I'm not. You could send out cards to everyone you know."

"Ah yes, that would be Satoshi-sama and the Niwas.

"You could still send them cards."

Mousy, I see them almost every day, they don't need a Christmas card from me."

"It's the thought that counts."



I'm not sending out cards!"

Chapter Five: The fifth Pain of Christmas are Five Months of Bills

"Dang it! Where are all the bills coming from!"

"Told you that you should have payed off all those bills five months ago."

"I really don't need your sarcasm right now."

"I'm actually surprised that they haven't shut off your cell phone yet."

"Can, it, blondy."

"Just making conversation."

"Yeah what ever."

"So, you still like this time of year?"

"I thought I told you to shut up?"

Chapter Six: The Sixth Pain of Christmas is Facing the Inlaws

"Oh God, Oh God, there going to be here in less then an hour!"

"Relax and breathe Mousy."

"Relax! Relax? Emiko and the Niwas are going to be here in less then an hour and you're telling me to Relax!"

"Its not like you're meeting them for the first time or anything. They are your family."

"Yes But everything has to be perfict! Can't you see that!"

"Mousy, they're not expecting you to be perfict."

"Yes but…"


"I just want to make a nice Christmas dinner for them for all the things that they have done for me."

"I understand that but… wait, did you just say that you were making dinner?"

"Yes, you and Creepy Boy want to join us?"

"On two conditions."


"Its cleared by the national health administration and you have the number for poison control."

"Ha, ha."

Chapter Seven: The Seventh Pain of Christmas are the Charities

"Seven, eight, nine…"

"Krad, what are you doing?"

"I'm counting the charities that I see."

"Yea, there are quite a lot of them aren't there?"

"Hmm, eighteen, nineteen, twenty…"

"You know, I might have a few things back at the house, care to help me get them?"

"No, I don't do the giving thing."

"Keep it up blondy and you're going to have ghost start visiting you."

"What ever, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven."

Chapter Eight: The Eighth Pain of Christmas is I Want A… For Christmas!

"Hey Dark!"

"Oh hi Towa."

"So, have you gone shopping for Christmas gifts yet?"

"Actually I was just on my way now."

"Well, you know I've always wanted a new made's outfit…"

"We'll see Towa."

"Okay then, bye."

"Well, that was about as subtle as a board to the head."

"I see you're your normal sarcastic self."


"Hi Dark."

Hi Dai-chan."

"so, shopped for Christmas gifts yet?"

"Was just going to do that now."

"Well, you know that I've been wanting that new manga that's out…"

"Maybe Dai-chan."

"Okay, Bye Dark, have fun with Krad."

"And just what are you smirking at blondy?"

"Hello Dark."

Hey, Causuke, Daichii, what's up?"

"Well for Christmas you know that we've been wanting that book of rair artworks that came out last week…"


"See you Later then Dark."

"Don't give me that look."

"Hey Dark."

"Oh hey Emiko."

"Gone Christmas shopping yet?"

"Was just on my way…""

"Good, good, you know that I've been wanting a set of new pans for the kitchen right?"

"Yes Emiko, I know."

Okay, bye."

"Would you stop laughing already!"



"You do know that I want a celtic cd for Christmas?"

"Not you too!"

Chapter Nine: The Ninth Pain of Christmas is No Parking Spaces

"Where in the hell have all the parking spaces gone!"

"I told you we should have walked."

"Yeah, Yeah, you can be an I Told You So Later, just keep your eyes open for a place to park."

"there's one… nope, never mind."

"Ug, traffic is a mess!"

"Walking, does that ring a bell?"

"That bastard just stole my spot!"

"really Mousy, It looks to me like he just spotted it first."

"Hush you."

"There's another one over there… nope, never mind."

"Ahh! That spot is mine! Hah! In your face you other sucky drivers!"

"Really Mature Mousy."

"Don't be a spoyle sport."

Chapter Ten: The Tenth Pain of Christmas is Batteries not Included

"That's the last Christmas gift, let's get out of here."

"You're forgetting something Mousy."


"The batteries for all the gifts."


"Well, generally these things need batteries to work."

"I know that! I'm not an idiot."

"Well then you need to get the batteries for your gifts."

"But the batteries should come with them."

"No, it says right here on the package that the Batteries are not included."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not."

Chapter Eleven: The Eleventh pain of Christmas is Stail TV Speshals

"Oh come on! That's like the ninth time that they've played Frosty The Snow Man in the last two weeks! Don't they have anything else to show?"

"Its Christmas Mousy, there are only Christmas shows on."

"But, but."

""Give it up Mousy."

"Awe, but Kraddy, I wanted to watch tv with you."

"If you think for even a second that I'm going to sit down and watch that dribble your sadly mistaken."

"Awe, show a little Christmas spirit Kraddy-kins."

"Who was it who was just complaining about the classics on tv?"

Chapter Twelve: The Twelfth Pain of Christmas is Singing Christmas Carrels

"Come on Kraddy, sing Christmas carrles with me."


"Pretty Ppleease?"


Pretty pretty Please?"

"Will you stop bugging me if I do?"


"Fine then. The first thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me is finding a Christmas tree…"

"Not funny."

"Okay, how about this one? Wreck the malls this Christmas season, fa la la, lalalala. Blow your cash for no good reason, fa la la lalalala. Push your charge card to the limit, fa la la lalalala. Check book now has nothing in it, fa la la llalalala…"

"I'm serious."

"Okay. Grandpa got run over by a beer truck, coming out of Woodies on Christmas eve, Grandma got a job out at the brewery, I never knew that she could drive that way…"

"Where in the hell are you getting these Christmas carrels from?"

"The restroom door said gentolmens so I just walked in side, I took two steps and realized that I'd been taken for a ride, I heard high voices and turned to find the place was occupied, by two nuns three old ladies and a nurse, what could be worse, then two nuns three old ladies and a nurse…"

"Seriously Kraddy where are you getting these songs at?"

"Oh I just got a letter from Old Saint Nick way up in Christmas land, and he says that all the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned, there's a truck for little billy and a dolly for Molly dear, But you ain't getting diddly squot 'cause you really screwed up this year..."

"You know that I'm going to bug you about Christmas next year so you can just keep on singing your odd Christmas carrles because it isn't going to stop me in the least. I'll get you to admit you like Christmas one of these days."

"Well you know that Santa's watching you and he keeps a great big list, but when it tells him the things you do he'll really be Pis…angry, so when you try to sit upon his knee he'll knock you on your ear, 'cause you aint getting diddly squot 'cause you really screwed up this year. "